I recently found out he’s done so many things for his exes, and he fights with me when I ask him about it. He’s told me he’s bought them roses and done other special things/spent thousands on them (he knows how much I value meaningful gestures/it’s not about the money). But with me he just says things like “Valentines Day is stupid” and then we do nothing or he says, “It’s just a birthday.” I don’t understand why he gets so mad at me when I ask about his exes. Also, he only just stopped creeping his ex on social media maybe a month ago. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t make me feel special once in a while; he keeps saying he’ll make the next occasion special, but I don’t see any promises and my trust is wavering. I feel like he’ll never love me like his ex. What do I do?? — Nothing For Valentine’s Day
If you don’t want to be with someone who can’t make you feel special and who ignores you on special occasions, can’t even be bothered to treat you to dinner on your birthday, and who pays his exes more interest than he pays you, break up with this guy and move on. This isn’t complicated.
We’ve been together for nearly three years now and he won’t buy me two separate presents, and on top of that spent maybe $70 on them total, whereas when I buy him presents it’s always upwards of $100 and once it was more like $600. So should I stop buying him such expensive presents knowing he won’t be as happy with them? Should I just accept the fact that he’s not as thoughtful about these things as I am? Or should I be upset that he’s doing this? I feel like I sound ungrateful and I’m not; I like what he got me, mostly, but at the same time I would prefer two separate presents and obviously something nicer for my birthday… and I don’t want to have to tell him what to get me either because I like to be surprised, but if I don’t tell him then he threatens to get me nothing. Please let me know what you think about this.
P.S. We’re in a long-distance relationship, so spending time with one another isn’t an option, and he doesn’t want to Skype or talk on the phone either, which, to be honest, is really all I want — for him to want to do something outside of texting me on “special” days. — Spending Time Together Isn’t an Option
Your problem isn’t that you have a thoughtless boyfriend or that your Love Languages aren’t a match. Your problem is in your P.S.; your long-distance boyfriend doesn’t even want to talk to you on special occasions? Not on Valentine’s Day or your birthday? The cheap, thoughtless gifts are a symptom of what essentially breaks down to this: Your boyfriend is over you and he’s just waiting for you to do the breaking up because he’s too lazy or doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” or whatever. Give yourself a Valentine’s gift this year and MOA. And then give yourself a separate birthday gift by buying whatever it is you want, minus the middleman who always lets you down anyway.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.