I try to be friendly and converse with him, and he never responds. He didn’t ask for my father’s blessing for my sister’s hand in marriage. To my knowledge, we have not done anything to upset him. He has always been this way. And I know he is not shy because he is very social at parties and things like that.
His behavior is rude. It’s like he doesn’t even try. I’ve heard he’s known to propose to women, tell them he wants a family, and then just one day change his mind. I’m just afraid his intentions are not pure. Am I just being dramatic or am I on to something? — Concerned for Sis
At worst, he sounds rude. And at worst, you sound alarmist and sexist. Maybe he didn’t ask for your father’s permission to propose to your sister because it’s 2018 and a woman isn’t a piece of property to be passed from one man to another with the blessing of the first. Maybe the reason he doesn’t say much to you and your family is because he senses your distrust of him and he’s turned off. Maybe he falls asleep because he’s tired from all the socializing he does with people who aren’t so weird. Maybe he was once engaged to someone and he changed his mind because that happens sometimes, and it doesn’t mean someone’s intentions aren’t “pure” — it simply means they changed their mind. Women change their minds sometimes too! Crazy, right? Crazy how a woman can have independent thoughts that even sometimes result in leaving a man who has agreed to give her marriage and babies. Here’s something else that might blow your mind: Some women don’t even want to get married or have babies!
Listen, it’s your sister’s life. Unless you have reason to believe your sister is being harmed somehow by her fiancé, you need to butt out and let her make her own choices. If you’re so concerned about why your sister’s fiancé doesn’t respond to you or seem to like you, ask your sister. You say to your knowledge you’ve done nothing to upset him, but have you bothered to see if that’s true? I’d start there.
When they broke up, Alex (who’s is 21 to my 17) immediately became very close with me, texting me all the time. At first, I was happy to receive his texts and was glad we could still be friends after his breakup with my sister, but then I grew a bit uncomfortable. He would text me saying how happy he was to have me in his life and that he thought of me as a sister. He’s such a nice guy, but we are definitely not on the same page. I was fine being the “third wheel” when it came to my sister, Alex, and me hanging out. But now he pressures me to hang out with him all the time. He tells me I’m his only friend, so how I am supposed to pull away and leave him alone? I don’t want to end our friendship because I know he really needs a friend, but I am not sure what to do that would be best for both of us, and I could really use some advice. — Preferred Being a Third Wheel
Women are socialized to prioritize the comfort and happiness of others over our own, so it’s not surprising that you are ignoring your discomfort and the many red flags Alex is waving. Why does he have no friends? Why is he relying on a girl four years younger than he is to provide 100% of his social and emotional support? Why is he texting you hourly and pressuring you to hang out constantly? This is not normal. Alex is being predatory and creepy as fuck and you need to stay away from him. You have literally zero obligation to him and you need to prioritize your own feelings in this situation and in every situation going forward where a male – especially one whose age, career role, or even physical size creates a power imbalance between the two of you — puts you in a position of feeling uncomfortable. I guarantee Alex is not at all concerned about YOUR comfort level, so don’t concern yourself with his. Stop responding to him, block his number/block him on social media, and move on. He is NOT your friend.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.