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From the beginning of our relationship, we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We have talked about marriage and kids, which are both things we want. I keep nudging him and asking him when is the time, but he never really gives me a timeline. He has even said that he is hesitant to move in because it didn’t work out with his ex when they moved in together. He thinks we won’t like each other as much or that it will harm our relationship. He lives with his mom and sister, and they are extremely tight-knit. I’m afraid he doesn’t want to leave the security of his family. It’s been nagging me ever since I moved.
I made a huge change in my life and moved away from my family and my best friend because I want to be with him and start our life together. I know most people will think seven months is really not that long, but I never believed in “soulmates” until I met him. Am I rushing things? I’m afraid I’m pushing him away because of it. I find it hard to talk to him at times of my feelings because I don’t want him to feel pressured into doing anything, I want him to want to. Gah! Help please! — Believing in Soulmates
Yes, you are rushing things. Yes, you are probably pushing him away because of it. It’s been seven months! You only lived two hours away, so I don’t understand picking up and leaving your family and friends and job for someone you’d known for three months and apparently hadn’t even discussed longterm plans with. At a distance of two measly hours, you could have stayed where you were and easily enjoyed weekly weekend visits with each other, while getting to know each other.
You probably didn’t believe in “soulmates” before because it’s a silly phrase that doesn’t really mean much. Like, you really think you and your boyfriend’s souls are mated for all of eternity and you happened to find the one and only match for you on a dating site, and he happened to live just two hours away? I mean, ok, if you believe that, but it seems pretty unlikely to me that all of us have this one soulmate and, out of the billions of people on earth, so many of us are lucky enough to find that one soulmate usually pretty close to us, often in the same town where we live. What are the odds? More likely, there are lots of people on earth we could potentially love deeply and it’s up to right times and right places and a little luck that we meet one we can build a life with. When you look at it that way, it feels like a less desperate search.
I think you may have convinced yourself this guy was IT — the one and only, the SOULMATE you are meant to be with, and you worried that you’d lose your one chance at forever love, so you latched on quickly. Too quickly. So quickly, that you may be sabotaging this relationship. Please slow down. Get to know this person a little better. Enjoy what you have now without all this pressure of moving in together and planning your future. If you aren’t able to simply enjoy what you have now, what makes you think you’ll enjoy a potential future with him? If you haven’t built a foundation yet — and it doesn’t sound like you have — whatever future you try to build with this guy will collapse. Build the foundation. Focus on that right now. And if you can’t or that isn’t exciting to you or your boyfriend is hesitant to even do that, then maybe he’s not a good match for you and you should consider going home, where you probably should have stayed for a while until you and your boyfriend were on the same page about moving forward together.
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