I recently discovered that, while I would go out to appointments, my husband was having an affair with another woman. I found out by using his phone. She was saved under “Slut” and was blowing up his phone with text messages. I replied to her, and she answered back telling me my daughter was going to have a brother or sister. This tore my husband and me apart. I’m still struggling to get over it. He keeps denying it, saying it’s not his. He wants nothing to do with her or the baby, he refuses to do a DNA test, and he says he’s not going to feed into her drama especially when he knows it’s not his.
A few years back I was a stripper and, when I got pregnant, my now-husband wasn’t sure if it was mine because he thought I was sleeping around for money. He still gave me money and was there for my appointments and anything I needed, but he didn’t want anything to do with me and only wanted to be a part of the baby’s life IF it was his.
Now his family, including his siblings and mother, all say they don’t think this woman’s baby is his simply by the way he’s acting and because the story doesn’t make sense. The woman says that she was in my house on April 22nd-23rd and found out she was pregnant a few days later in the hospital. She sent me a picture of her ultrasound but cut off a lot of the information. She doesn’t say how many weeks along she is. She just keeps asking for money. I compared the ultrasound to four others, including my own. I noticed her ultrasound said her last menstrual period was on April 25th, so I don’t know whether to believe her story or not.
In a way, I’m happy my husband’s ignoring her. He keeps telling me to ignore her too and continue our life as a family because he’s not going to leave us or take food from our mouths to feed anybody else. Do you think it’s true? What should I do? Should I leave him or should I continue our life and pretend this never happened? I’m so confused and broken. I don’t even know how to let this go because it’s constantly taunting me; no matter how hard I try to forget it and move on, it’s there in the back if my mind building my insecurities. — Don’t Know If the Baby is His
No, you should not “continue your life and pretend this never happened.” Because whether or not that baby is his — and you KNOW there’s a very likely chance it is — the “this” that you think you could possibly pretend never happened is your husband cheating on you. You can’t sweep that under the rug. That has to be dealt with. Has your husband even apologized? Has even asked for your forgiveness? Has he asked what he could do to earn back your trust after betraying you like he did, in your own home, apparently weeks after you had his baby? (And don’t even get me started on how he named the other woman “slut” in his phone; what a charming guy).
Look, you were wronged big time here. Your husband owes you a lot, and it’s up to you to state exactly what you need to “get over this,” as you say. Obviously, the first step is some clarity on whether this baby is indeed his. So, DEMAND that he take a DNA test. Do not take no for an answer. If he refuses, leave his ass. You both need to know for sure in order to move on with your lives. If this baby isn’t his, then, fine, your “only” challenge at that point will be regaining trust and repairing the damage done to your marriage (therapy would probably help). If the baby IS his, then obviously, there will be bigger challenges ahead. Will the baby be part of your lives? What will happen to your financial life when your husband has to pay child support? Can you handle being a stepmother to a product of your husband’s affair? (Again, therapy would probably help with all these issues).
Finally, your husband’s family’s opinion about whether this baby is his and a comparison of the ultrasound pictures prove literally nothing. You’re naive to believe your husband’s behavior — and his mother’s perception of his behavior — is ANY indication whether a woman he’s been banging in your home while you’re at appointments is carrying his baby. And comparing ultrasound pictures? What the hell does that indicate? The only proof you’re going to get, one way or another, is from a DNA test. Demand one. And if your husband doesn’t comply, MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 8:12 am
Demand a DNA test. You don’t know how many times they had sex or when each time occurred so you can’t go by dates on an ultrasound to decide whether the baby could be his. He’s a liar and a cheat so don’t assume he’s come clean on everything related to this woman. The odds are high that he has admitted the bare minimum.
This is very hard with an infant but I’d say your relationship is over. If you are both willing you can try to rebuild it. That means he has to be willing to do whatever it is you need so that you can rebuild trust, and he has to be willing to do whatever you need for as long as you need it, which could be years or forever. He needs to be willing to be open about where he is and who he is with but also open about how he met this woman, why he decided to cheat with her and what he got out of having an affair. If he can’t be honest about all of this then there is little to no hope for your marriage.
Sunshine Brite July 6, 2015, 8:22 am
Please seek STI testing as well. Your husband at best put your health and the health of your daughter at risk.
Anonymous July 6, 2015, 8:22 am
If the mother wanted a DNA test to prove paternity for child support, wouldn’t it be court mandated? Does he have the right to refuse? Just wondering.
dinoceros July 6, 2015, 8:40 am
I know this is a difficult situation for you, but putting your head in the sand isn’t going to help. You’re grasping at straws to find proof that the baby isn’t his. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But his actions don’t prove anything. IMO, his refusal to do the DNA test is more suspect because if he truly knew it wasn’t his, he’d have nothing to worry about. I also wouldn’t put any weight on how adamant he is because this is someone who lied to you and cheated, so how solid is his word, really? He’s clearly good at hiding things.
I wouldn’t be too happy that your husband is ignoring her. Do you really want to be married to someone who not only cheats on his wife, but is willing to walk away and leave his potential child without a father?
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 8:46 am
I’m thinking the same thing about the paternity test. The only good reason to not take it would be because he’s afraid that it will show he is the father of the baby. Giving the LW the needed level of transparency she will need to move forward in a relationship with him includes him getting a DNA test. If he isn’t willing to do that for her he isn’t willing to try to mend the relationship.
The reason he’s acting different now than from when you were pregnant a few years ago is that now he has a family to lose and at that time, I’m assuming, he didn’t.
Essie July 6, 2015, 8:52 am
Neither you nor your husband can just pretend this didn’t happen. I’m not a lawyer, but I believe that if his ‘slut’ sues him for child support, she can have the court order him to take a DNA test, and if he refuses, the court can either hold him in contempt (with possible fines or jail time), or just rule against him and force him to make child support payments. The details spend on what state you live in, of course. But there are major legal and financial impacts for both of you, if you decide to stay married to him.
Of course, a good man would WANT to know and support his child, but your husband doesn’t sound like much of a man to me.
Essie July 6, 2015, 9:36 am
“…and continue our life as a family because he’s not going to leave us or take food from our mouths to feed anybody else.”
That comment is, frankly, disgusting. That baby he doesn’t want to feed IS his family. Just as much as the baby he had with you. And if he didn’t want to take food out of your family’s mouths, he shouldn’t have been screwing this ‘slut’, as he oh-so-respectfully refers to her.
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 9:17 am
You can’t pretend this never happened, it happened and you know it happened. Your sense of trust is gone and the situation nags at you nonstop. You have two choices. First, you can leave him and be done with the relationship. Two, you face the affair and discuss all aspects of it until you feel that you have nothing more to discuss. That means he fully answers all questions that you have and doesn’t become upset about them. When you have more questions at a later date he answers them, again, without complaint.
If the other baby is his he needs to take care of it. That is a minimum standard for a man worth raising your child. The man who is willing to abandon one child will be willing to abandon yours at some future point, when he has some future affair or some future relationship that he decides is more important than the one he has with you.
Now you have two red flags about this man. First, he cheats and lies. Second, he is willing to abandon a child that may be his. These are massive red flags.
The other thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to make a decision about what to do today or tomorrow or next week or next month. You can take as long as you need. I think that sooner or later you will know with a lot of certainty what you want to do.
Raccoon eyes July 6, 2015, 9:23 am
Wow, LW, you have A LOT on your plate. But you arent seeing the forest for the trees here- your husband cheated on you while you were attending your baby appointments! Holy Motherf*cking &**&^%$%!!!! You can do as much private eye stuff on your own as you want to see if this other (unborn, think?) baby belongs to him, but it isnt going to dull the pain you inevitably have to face when you acknowledge the basic fact of the cheating. From a man who was accusing you of cheating when you were originally pregnant and had a miscarriage?!? Wooo, dear, you are soooo wrong when you say “[o]ur family is literally perfect.”
I am truly sorry you are in the situation you are in. But the only way to come out on the other side is to start addressing some issues. Good luck.
One more thing- a paternity test would not be feeding drama- YOUR HUSBAND CREATED ALL THE DRAMA OCCURRING RIGHT NOW. Paternity tests are actually relatively cheap, dont let him derail you by claiming otherwise. Truly, there is NO logical reason for him not to take a paternity test. Baseless accusations? GREAT, prove it with the test.
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 9:31 am
Refusing the paternity test just continues the drama created by the husband. The test would give resolution about one aspect of this situation. It certainly wouldn’t resolve the issue of trust but it would resolve once and for all whether he was the father of the second baby. He obviously doesn’t want or is afraid of that resolution.
Guy Friday July 6, 2015, 9:29 am
I don’t disagree with people’s perspectives on this guy as a person or the betrayal he’s done to the LW, but let me play devil’s advocate for a moment on the topic of the DNA test. Maybe it’s just my job, but I don’t like the concept of “if he has nothing to hide, he’ll take the DNA test.” Granted, part of it is that it’s a slippery slope argument (i.e., “If you don’t have anything to hide, why can’t I search your car for drugs?”), but mostly it’s because I’ve seen WAY too many messed up DNA tests in paternity cases — fly-by-night organizations that promise cheap testing and make huge mistakes, or even people who think home tests are enough — that I am inherently distrustful of testing done outside the judicial boundaries. I love and respect my wife a great deal, but if I were to have cheated on her and the woman claimed I got her pregnant, I would refuse to take a DNA test until a court ordered me to, at which point I’d willingly cooperate. So while I wouldn’t support him refusing to cooperate with a court order, I’d completely understand him saying to this woman “If you’re saying I’m the father, file a paternity action and let’s do this the legal way.”
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 9:32 am
I don’t think he wants to do this any way, legal or otherwise.
Diablo July 6, 2015, 10:14 am
GF, I see what you are trying to say about civil liberties, due process, and so forth. But come on, who are you trying to kid with this court order crap? EVERYONE knows if you want a reliable baby-daddy test, you gotta call the Maury show. In our modern world, there is no more “duer” process. (Though if it was not a baby-daddy case, I would then advocate Judge Judy.) Case closed.
Raccoon eyes July 7, 2015, 7:42 am
Yesssss! So true! I actually saw the headline and thought to myself that it sounded like a Maury show. Speaking of, I will admit that in the past, I enjoyed a Maury show or two….and I watched it yesterday since I didnt go into work yesterday…and the show has DEFINITLY gone downhill into Jerry Springer territory. Just everyone yelling and throwing chairs! I didnt even make it through the first 30 min before I turned back to Price Is Right.
Ika July 6, 2015, 9:33 am
Guys, I think you’re all being way oo harsh on LW/
Her family is “literally perfect”!!!!
I mean her husband didn’t believe she wasn’t having sex for money and didn’t trust the baby was his, he cheats on her (and oh so classy, having the other woman stored as Slut in his phone!”, takes the other woman INTO HIS HOUSE, refuses to take a paternity test.
Seriously LW, that’s about as far from perfect as you can get (also, don’t use literally if you don’t know what it means). Your husband is a lying, cheating scumbag. Dump his ass.
ktfran July 6, 2015, 9:44 am
Before reading Wendy’s or any other comments, I just have to say that anyone who has someone’s number saved as “slut” in their phone is a total d-bag and not someone I would want to associate with EVER. I mean, seriously? If that’s his attitude toward women, especially someone he is having sex with, just gross.
Alright. I’ll read what others have to say now.
norabb July 6, 2015, 10:36 am
not to mention the fact that he is ASKING to be found out! Smarter cheaters would have changed it to “Bill” or “pizza” or something to keep up the lie. But seeing SLUT in big letters when a text comes in is hard to ignore. This guy is literally an idiot
ktfran July 6, 2015, 10:55 am
I’m more concerned with the hypocritical, double standard he uses towards women. No respect at all.
Cleopatra Jones July 6, 2015, 11:12 am
And if he feels this way, I imagine not too long ago the LW was the ‘slut’ in his phone directory.
Truelight July 6, 2015, 8:57 pm
He’s the one cheating- but she’s a slut? That’s really charming.
bagge72 July 6, 2015, 9:46 am
You don’t read this letter, and think it is a lost cause? I mean she has looked over so many things, and wants to continue as nothing has happened, she clearly isn’t going to take any advice seriously. I mean her husband did the same bull shit with her when he first got her pregnant, and she is actaully going to believe that he didn’t get this girl pregnant? Then she caught him cheating with a girl named slut, and it took the pregnancy to break them apart. How would she want to marry a guy who would treat her like that in the first place? Seriously all I read is a lost cause here.
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 10:17 am
I think it’s a lost cause but I also think she has to come to that conclusion on her own.
Diablo July 6, 2015, 10:23 am
Dude, I think too many of the commenters take far too many of the letters too seriously. It’s Wendy’s job as the columnist to take the LWs seriously. If any of the rest of us have anything helpful to say, fine, but apart from that, it’s open season, innit? My first reaction to the letter was when she called her family “literally” perfect. Now apart from the fact that no human is perfect, just the misuse of the word “literally,” together with the highly imperfect details that follow, made it very difficult for me not to judge the LW harshly. To quote Seth and Amy, “REALLY?” So, Bags, you see lost cause, but I see comedy gold.
TaraMonster July 6, 2015, 9:48 am
Ok. There is so much WTFery going on in this letter, that I’m just going to stick to this bit. I’ve read it probably 10x and I have no idea what this means:
“A few years back I was a stripper and when I got pregnant, my now-husband wasn’t sure if it was mine because he thought I was sleeping around for money. He still gave me money and was there for my appointments and anything I needed, but he didn’t want anything to do with me and only wanted to be a part of the baby’s life IF it was his.”
I’m going to assume you meant “his” and not “mine” since, barring surrogacy, that baby was yours… Is this the baby you miscarried? Was it a baby before that? And what does you being a stripper have to do with this? If your husband is treating your past as a reason to demean you- by suggesting that you are pregnant by another man- then that’s just another tick in the box against him. You should leave him because he cheated on you, but you should also leave him because he’s an awful person. He’s made it plain that he views women poorly by the way he’s treated you and this other woman, and I’m guessing every woman before you both as well. Get out. Get out now.
shakeourtree July 6, 2015, 9:55 am
I got as far as him saving the other woman as “slut” in his phone before my brain exploded from rage. This guy is an asshole. Your marriage is not perfect. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect women. You need to think about the example you and he are setting for your daughter now.
juliecatharine July 6, 2015, 9:55 am
LW, you have a baby, is this ‘man’ someone you want him/her learning from? Definitely seek therapy but instead of looking for help to put your imaginary perfect family back together work on learning why you were so eager to hitch yourself to a scumbag. Truly, your husband is a scumbag. Dump his ass and make sure he pays child support.
Skyblossom July 6, 2015, 10:22 am
I have to wonder what was it about this guy that you wanted him so badly that you were willing to overlook all his flaws? Did you not realize that his flaws were flaws? That is something for you to focus on as much as the current cheating and need for a paternity test. If you don’t understand yourself you’ll be repeating this again in the future, whether with him or with someone else. If you don’t do this for yourself, then do it for your daughter so that she will have higher expectations for the men in her life. For her sake, learn to be picky and drop the ones that aren’t good for you.
norabb July 6, 2015, 10:43 am
Yeah this seems to be a pattern in his life. I’m assuming she isn’t the first or last stripper he’s slept with, maybe had babies with. There is no reason to demonize the other girl in this situation. Put yourself in her shoes. OH WAIT. You were quite literally in her shoes before you got the guy to believe you had his baby (if I’m understanding what you said).
You and this other girl have more in common than you and your guy. She could have easily been you. so you know how it must feel for her right now… to have a guy not want anything to do with you because you got pregnant. Give her (and her baby) some help here and let the guy do the right thing by determining paternity and then taking appropriate financial responsibility. Accept that he is not at all perfect and that you may want to separate yourself from such a cruel and stupid man. Because he is exhibiting cruel behaviors.
And I have to say it again…who puts “Slut” in as a contact and expects not to be caught????????
bittergaymark July 6, 2015, 11:58 am
This situation completely baffles me. I don’t know why — but somehow, I always just assumed that strippers (without fail!) wound up with Mr. Wonderful… Am I wrong?
Cleopatra Jones July 6, 2015, 1:21 pm
Um, isn’t every stripper’s life a lot like the movie ‘Pretty Woman’?
bittergaymark July 6, 2015, 1:26 pm
Maybe that’s just hookers.
Cleopatra Jones July 6, 2015, 1:33 pm
I guess so but he did accuse her ‘sleeping around for money’ so may be the ‘Pretty Woman’ life is only for full-time hookers and not strippers who moonlight as hookers. I dunno.
findingtheearth July 6, 2015, 12:54 pm
There are WAAAAY too many letters about the same thing. Women need to grow and learn to respect themselves and not seek validation about themselves from other men; especially when children are involved.
Cassie July 6, 2015, 1:32 pm
So, when you were pregnant with his baby, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with you, thought you were a liar and a cheater, and you married him… why?
Look, if he’s so confident that it’s NOT his baby, then he should have no problem doing a DNA test. In fact, he should be happy to so he can disprove that it’s his baby. The fact that he’s refusing shows that he actually does think it’s likely that this is his child. And, you know what? It most likely is.
But LW you’re focusing on the wrong issue. Whether this baby is actually his or not, he cheated on you. He lied to you for a long time, and the only reason he’s come clean now is because he was caught. You’ve only been together for 4 years total, and he’s already had a full-blown affair. It’s very, very likely that he will continue to cheat on you throughout your marriage. Don’t bury your head in the sand.
Monkeys mommy July 7, 2015, 9:08 pm
What I will say, is that if the ultrasound says her last period was April 25, and she was in your house April 22, it is unlikely that she magically conceived and produced an ultrasound in short order. Her timeline really does not add up, and the fact that she is carefully cutting information out may speak to the fact that she does know there is a possibility the baby is not his. I am not trying to give you a false sense of hope or validate your feelings that this could just go away, I am simply remarking that a woman who is knowingly sleeping with a pregnant woman’s husband is not above throwing it around all over town or pinning her pregnancy on a man she thinks may support her.
As for your husband- he is the one you should be blaming here. Yes, “Slut” slept with your man, and yeah it sounds like she knew he had a pregnant wife, but she did not break a vow to you; he did. And even if this baby is not his, he still banged her; he is still a cheating, lying piece of shit. If you do not leave him, and I think you probably should, then you need counseling ASAP to move past this. If he will not go, go without him. And for the love of God, get a damn paternity test! This woman can get a court order to force him to. He may not have to raise this child or be an active parent, but the courts can damn sure make him financially support the child.
Kate B. January 21, 2017, 3:27 pm
Honestly, at this point, the DNA test wouldn’t matter to me. He cheated, he lied, this would be enough for me. Divorce him and see to it that he supports your child. Let the other woman worry about her child.