A few weeks ago I found myself in dire straights. He had been messaging me on social media and I didn’t respond for a week or better, out of embarrassment of the situation I found myself in. When I did finally respond and tell him of the situation, he immediately said “I’m getting you out of there.” He told me I would be staying with him until I could get back on my feet; he also purchased me a phone and wants to buy me a vehicle — none of which I have asked for from him, nor ever would.
While he says we are friends, we are having sex and I sleep in the same bed as he does when there are other sleeping options (his idea). I have since met his best friend, and he plans to take me to meet his mom and step-father this weekend. When asked what gives, he said “You’re going to be staying here for a while and they are going to find out, so you may as well meet them.” He has also included me in plans for an out-of-state trip with said best friend and friend’s wife this November.
He has commented on how he and I have “crazy stupid sex” (his exact words) and there have been times when it feels as if he’s come close to telling me he loves me, but he never has. I’ve never felt such intimate intensity, and we have great rapport.
Am I reading way too much into his wanting to help me get my life back together, or are these gestures his way of saying he loves me without using the actual words? — Love Without the Words?
Do you need the actual words? What would the words give you that you aren’t currently getting? It sounds like the guy DOES love you, he cares deeply for you, and he enjoys your company and your physical relationship, but obviously, he’s not committing to you. Telling you he loves you wouldn’t be a commitment either. Are you looking for a commitment? If so, don’t fool yourself that an expression of love is going to give you that.
But to be honest, you don’t sound like you’re in a position to build a relationship anyway. You aren’t self-sufficient; you’ve gotten yourself into a “situation” in which you needed someone to come save you. You don’t have your own home. These aren’t small things. These are things worth the main focus of your attention. I mean, sure, enjoy the attention and expressions of care and love from this man, but don’t make him the center of your world. And definitely don’t count on this to be a permanent solution to your problems. His keeping you at arm’s length by NOT saying the words he knows you want to hear is his way of telling you not to get too comfortable. So don’t.
Be grateful you have a safe place to stay, but be looking for your own home immediately. Relying on help to “get your life back together” from someone you’re head-over-heels in love with who cannot or will not give you what you want is a recipe for disaster. Any relationship that will stem from this is almost surely doomed, as is your self-esteem. Get your life back together and THEN worry about “what gives” with this guy and your status with him. After all, a relationship isn’t going to save you. You need to save yourself. And you can’t have a healthy and satisfying relationship as long as you’re in a position of being completely dependent.
What is wrong with me? Love is so very hard to find, but he got so mad at me that he went to Chicago over the weekend (my birthday weekend) without me and he said we’re over. It very well may be. I need YOUR Opinion on this matter please! — I Love My Dogs
If the guy seemed to genuinely care about you, I’d suggest living apart until your dogs either die or they are better trained. But your dude doesn’t sound like a loving and caring partner. He’s gaslighting you for one thing — saying you’d rather give up your relationship than your dogs, but isn’t he the one who’d rather have spotless rugs than your relationship? I mean, if you’re going to play that game: dogs > rugs, right? Also: you and your birthday > Chicago.
A man who’d take off on your birthday weekend, telling you your relationship is over and accusing you of choosing your dogs over your relationship when he’s chosen his rugs over you is not a man worth getting upset over. I know love is so very hard to find, but you haven’t found it yet. This is not what love looks like. Keep searching, and in the meantime enjoy the love and company of your dogs (as well as the people in your life who value you).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.