What am I supposed to do here? He has told me he will stop. He will do well for a couple weeks but then start it up again. He is sneaky about it and always gets sloppy or feels guilty and let’s it slip what he’s been up to. Recently, he mentioned he has to decide if the porn is more important to him or if I am. He says this is a nasty habit that he is having a hard time breaking. I have mentioned his going to counseling, but he says it won’t work because he has to be willing to make the change and talking to someone won’t make a difference.
We both truly enjoy each other’s company and spend our weekends together. We text regularly and speak on the phone almost nightly. We have even been talking of finding a place together and having one of us make the big move. I have given him numerous opportunities to make a change and I don’t want to give up on him, but I have to wonder that, if I continue to let him repeat this cycle, if he’ll ever respect me and if I can ever trust him.
How do I handle this situation? He can see that it is hurting me. And I have lost some self-esteem and confidence because of it. Do I turn a blind eye in hopes he changes? Will this wane over time? Does he need to lose me in hopes he realizes he has to fix it for the next girlfriend? (I can’t imagine there is a girl out there who would allow him to watch this much porn, ogle other girls on the street right in front of her, and allow him to text random girls and “converse” with then to get tit pics). — Tired of the Porn Addiction
If you aren’t happy with this guy and you don’t trust him and your self-esteem and confidence have suffered just by being with him and a large part of his life (we’re talking up to 20 hours a week) is something that he would have to completely get rid of in order for you to feel good about him, then why on earth are you talking about moving in together?? Talk about pushing the cart before the horse. When you even entertain the idea of moving this relationship forward — and moving it forward in such a big way — you are sending the message that you are satisfied with your relationship. But you clearly aren’t. So, please, don’t ever discuss living with someone — this guy or anyone else — until you feel confident in the relationship and feel like you’re ready to spend your life with him (and check out these 15 things every couple should do before moving in together).
Unfortunately, as much as you may want your boyfriend to change, you don’t have the power to make that happen. (And you’re fooling yourself when you use words like “allow” him to behave this way. You aren’t allowing him to do jack shit. He doesn’t need your permission. He isn’t seeking your approval. He’s doing what he wants regardless of your feelings). And in order for him to change, he has to make it happen himself, and, before he can do that, he has to WANT to change. Clearly, he doesn’t. He’s told you as much. And, yeah, maybe your breaking up with him and moving on will be the incentive he needs to make some changes in his lifestyle and behavior and the way he treats women, but it won’t matter for you by then because you will have moved on. And you need to accept that, when you move on, you will be doing it because you are done with this relationship and know you deserve better. Don’t “move on” (in quotes) simply with the hope that you’ll motivate him to quit watching four hours of porn every day and ogling women constantly. It doesn’t work like that. When you move on, it has to be a clean break or you bring the baggage you’ve picked up from this relationship — the low self-esteem and trust issues — and you carry them into the next relationship (even if that next relationship is with the same guy, only now reformed).
Move on. This guy isn’t for you. His lifestyle isn’t a good match for you, he isn’t treating you with respect, and he isn’t interested in changing the behavior that bothers you so much. And if you think it bothers you now, just wait until you live together (or even in the same city) and he is literally choosing porn over you. Right now you don’t have to contend with that because, during the week, he doesn’t have the option of seeing you. Porn is his only choice (well, except for the hundreds of other healthy and productive things he could be doing with his time). But if you think that, given the choice every day of you or this addiction he’s had since middle school, he’s going to choose you every time, you’re wrong. And if you think your self-esteem has suffered now, just wait until your boyfriend chooses jerking off to naked strangers on his computer screen over spending quality time with you.
Move on. You aren’t happy in this relationship. Staying in it with the hopes that someone who isn’t interested in changing will eventually change is a waste of time and is counter-productive to creating a life that brings you happiness and fulfillment.
***************
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
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TheRascal February 24, 2015, 9:07 am
Think about it like this — 20 hours is like having a part-time job. Yourboyfriend’s “part-time job” is watching porn.
*
I’m not anti-porn. I watch it. Mr. Rascal does, too. Sometimes we watch it together. But what your boyfriend is doing is painful to you. You admit to suffering from his actions, whether it is the porn watching or his blatant disrespect. I think you should move on. A partner should lift you up, not drag you down.
joanna February 24, 2015, 9:21 am
Amen on the last sentence.
niki February 24, 2015, 9:16 am
He is making up fake online profiles to get girls to send him pictures of their breasts?!? How is this not a dealbreaker for you? Gross.
Nookie February 24, 2015, 9:49 am
Seriously gross. And I wonder how he’d feel if the porn was on the other foot, so to speak.
shg23 February 24, 2015, 9:16 am
I was engaged to a man who was addicted to porn and nothing I said or did would ever make any difference. It got to the point where he wouldn’t want to have sex unless he could ALSO be watching it. Get out and get out now if that’s not what you want. This guy doesn’t care what you want and no amount of anything is going to change that unless he wants to. He doesn’t want to.
MissDre February 24, 2015, 9:42 am
Do people like this not realize how messed up that is??
shg23 February 24, 2015, 10:34 am
Him or me? I mean, he was abusive in about all of the other ways possible so I didn’t realize that my life didn’t HAVE to be terrible for a while. But yeah, I don’t think it occurred to him that he didn’t have to be a shitbag. Like, I think he just woke up thinking he was the greatest to ever great and that everyone else should bow down. Gross.
MissDre February 24, 2015, 11:08 am
I meant him…. like how can he think it’s NORMAL that he can’t even get it up for a real live person that he’s supposedly attracted to without porn in the background?
MissDre February 24, 2015, 11:08 am
And I’m sorry that your relationship was abusive 🙁
shg23 February 25, 2015, 8:54 am
Oh thanks! Long over now, thank everything ever. But yeah, the watching habit was ridiculous. Every does it now and again, or even regularly, but if you’re passing up a living human for it? There might be an issue.
Diablo February 24, 2015, 9:21 am
Sad that advice so obvious should be so necessary. This guy has so romanticized porn that he not only chooses it over a live girl, he probably takes himself out to dinner first before he takes advantage of himself. (Joke Credit: Tom Waits.) Wendy, I think you might’ve added one more DW axiom: Aim Higher.
Jessibel5 February 24, 2015, 1:45 pm
I just came out of lurker retirement to thumbs up your Tom Waits reference.
K February 24, 2015, 9:30 am
“Recently, he mentioned he has to decide if the porn is more important to him or if I am.” – This right here should’ve made you realize that he has a serious addiction and you aren’t going to be able to help or change him. You can do SO much better. There are guys who will choose you, no matter what. And aside from the porn addiction, ogling women and getting them to send him tit pics?? MOA, like yesterday.
juliecatharine February 24, 2015, 9:30 am
What Wendy and everyone else has said. This guy’s problems go way beyond watching porn and she is absolutely correct that proximity will make the hit to your self esteem exponentially worse. My ex was a porn watching , online chatting , pic collecting gent and it was pretty soul crushing to have him choose those activities over sex with a real life woman (ie me). Seriously, what kind of 30 year old has to comment on every hot woman he sees *in front of his girlfriend*?? Answer: the proud captain of the douche canoe. Move on, you can do a lot better.
Mr. Cellophane February 24, 2015, 11:50 am
“Proud captain of the douche canoe” may be my favorite line ever. Now Please excuse me while I clean diet coke off my screen……
mrmidtwenties February 24, 2015, 9:36 am
I might have advised you to try to stick with it, if it was just the porn. But the emailing other women and treating you “like one of the guys” is just flat out disrespectful to you, move on, move on quickly, his problem is only going to get worse.
Portia February 24, 2015, 9:50 am
Yeah, I’m with you. Oogling women on the street right in front of her and messaging other women for boob pics sound way worse to me. He could be doing something better with his time (I would say the same thing about people who spend that much or more on video games or something else time-consuming), but it sounds like this disrespectful attitude of his toward women is obvious in other parts of his life.
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 10:09 am
There has actually been some evidence that overuse of porn changes the way that men actually see women. Because of the way that men and women are represented in porn, and because hetero porn tends to be completely from the male point of view and only focus on the male needs. It’s also pretty harsh towards women a lot of the time. So yeah, if that’s the viewpoint he’s immersed in for basically all of his free time, it’s not shocking that he doesn’t take her feelings into account.
Portia February 24, 2015, 11:05 am
Think that until real long-term studies can actually measure that, those types of conclusions should be taken with a grain of salt. It makes me think about how violent video games have been blamed for more aggression or violence in teens (hello all of the 90’s and early 2000’s). There was recently a long-term study on that which found no link despite smaller studies along the way that claimed a link. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it also seems possible that people are blaming something tangible for immoral behavior when it may not be the culprit.
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 11:07 am
Or it could also be that the type of guy who gets addicted to porn is already the type of guy who treats women like crap. Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a correlation between porn addicts and women-disrespecters.
Portia February 24, 2015, 11:24 am
That could totally be the case. There was also a study that correlated getting high speed internet and easier access to online porn with decreased rates of sexual violence.
Lyra February 24, 2015, 9:44 am
Ok so I’m not one who would be ok with porn, but overall that in and of itself isn’t the deal breaker here — him making fake dating profiles and asking women to send him naked pictures is. He is showing you BLATANT disrespect by doing that. If it has affected your self confidence…which it would for ANYONE…that is your indication this is not the right relationship for you. He is subconsciously telling you that your relationship doesn’t mean anything to him.
Lyra February 24, 2015, 10:11 am
Oh and ogling other girls and saying “damn!” to them in front of you? Yeah he might not have a filter but that’s no excuse for treating you like crap and disrespecting you. I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years with no filter so I know how that feels, trust me.
Laura Hope February 24, 2015, 9:49 am
You don’t mention anything about your sex life. Can he even get it up without porn in the background or other women in your bed? Cause that’s probably where it’s heading. Regardless, why would you want to be involved with a guy who makes you feel insecure? That’s something you might want to examine.
Skyblossom February 24, 2015, 9:59 am
You can’t change a partner so you take them or leave them as they are. This is a definite leave him as he is situation. Certainly don’t move for him or live with him if you don’t want to live this every day of your life that you are together.
shakeourtree February 24, 2015, 10:20 am
This guy reminds me of the movie Don Jon.
othy February 24, 2015, 10:47 am
That’s what I was thinking. Except I think their relationship was unhealthy on both ends – his excessive use combined with her zero tolerance. At least LW here seems okay with occasional viewing and isn’t a princess-type like SarJo was (man, her character bugged me!)
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:27 am
Yeah, she was awful! I went into that movie with zero expectations and was pleasantly surprised that it was so cute and funny. I didn’t know Julianne Moore was in it, I love her. Random, I was watching the Fugitive the other day (you know, Harrison Ford as Dr. Richard Kimball, on the lam in Chicago?) and noticed a young Julianne Moore playing the part of a doctor who suspects Dr. Kimball (disguised as a janitor) is not a janitor. She was on the screen for all of 2 seconds. Funny when you see now famous people playing small parts. But I digress.
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:34 am
Miss Moore once slapped MADONNA (gasp!) across the face in what terrible movie? Discuss!!
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:36 am
Body of Evidence!
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:36 am
(Thanks Google.
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:38 am
Damn! That was FAST!! Did you know this? Or did you IMDB this?! 😉
PS — Miss Moore is pretty terrible in this movie… Hilariously bad at times. Much like the movie.
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:44 am
I’d like to say I knew but I IMDB’d it. Most Madonna movies are hilariously bad (no offense). What’s your all-time favorite Madonna movie? Mine is Dick Tracy.
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:51 am
Desperately Seeking Susan.
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The good Madonna movies are: in no particular order.
.
Desperately Seeking Susan.
Dick Tracy.
Evita.
A League of Their Own.
Truth Or Dare.
.
Oh, and…. Dangerous Game — which is a disturbingly accurate view of how fucked up life can be on indulgent film sets…
.
Say what you will about Madonna — but that’s FOUR more good films than J. Lo who has made WAYYYYYY more films. 😉
Girlchrisesq February 24, 2015, 7:14 pm
What about Who’s That Girl? LOOOVVVEEEDDD that movie.
Portia February 24, 2015, 12:10 pm
Another bit character in The Fugitive: Janitor from Scrubs. Plays a cop (I think the scene had him chasing Harrison Ford through a train?). There was a tiny story line in Scrubs about that. Also, I didn’t know but Jane Lynch was also in The Fugitive as a doctor! I swear, she shows up in everything, I think they just added her in to old TV shows and movies for funsies. Or she took a ton of small roles…
shakeourtree February 24, 2015, 1:36 pm
I found Don Jon to be very poignant. He had difficulty viewing women as anything but objects. That’s what reminded me of the LW’s boyfriend. Watching porn isn’t a problem in and of itself. I mean, I probably watch more porn than my boyfriend, to be honest. But this guy, watching up to FOUR hours a day AND ogling women in public? I would not be comfortable with that.
Scooze February 24, 2015, 10:24 am
What makes the LW so sure that he is only on dating sites to get nude pics? Maybe he’s using dating sites for their intended purpose – to date and/or sleep with other women.
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 10:27 am
Not sure he’d have time for that and still get his 20 hours of porn in.
othy February 24, 2015, 10:49 am
You can watch porn and sleep with other women at the same time.
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 11:08 am
Hahahaha my response was a joke. 🙂
othy February 24, 2015, 11:09 am
See, there I go, ever the problem solver, missing out on the jokes 😉
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 11:14 am
My fault, my fault, I should have added the smiley. Doesn’t always come across in plain text. 🙂
othy February 24, 2015, 11:59 am
We still really need a sarcasm font/punctuation mark.
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 10:31 am
Have you guys seen Don Jon? I thought it was a really cute movie. You should see it!
Diablo February 24, 2015, 12:06 pm
It is cute only because the main character shows himself to be capable of growth and change, not to mention seeing women as whole people. Otherwise, it would be pretty bleak.
tbrucemom February 24, 2015, 10:56 am
If it was JUST the porn watching, I wouldn’t dump him, especially if I thought this was just about sexual release while he remained faithful and it didn’t interfere with his job and the rest of our relationship including our sex life was good. HOWEVER, the whole getting anonymous women to send pictures via a fake profile and ogling women in front of her is very disrespectful and would be a dealbreaker for me.
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:20 am
Eh, I call BS on much of this. How does she know how much porn he watches? Does he log it for her. I dunno, I guess, I am in a lousy mood this morning (surprise, surprise) but this all just strikes me as needy and controlling. Good luck finding a sexless guy that is porn celibate…
RE: The Dating websites… Eh, you aren’t even in the same town. Have you actually said that you are exclusive? I mean the two of you sitting down and having a conversation saying as much in actual words… It strikes me as curious that you didn’t say as much…
PS — Every guy on the planet watches porn. No. Really. There was even a well known study recently that was aborted because they couldn’t find ANY men who don’t ever watch porn as a control group.
Portia February 24, 2015, 11:26 am
I remember reading about that study! Definitely got a good laugh out of that one.
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:29 am
In the course of my ENTIRE life, I have yet to meet a guy — gay, or straight… that doesn’t use porn on occasion.
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:49 am
I bet Navy Guy doesn’t. Lyra, does he? If not, he could maybe be featured in a study! And we could figure out a way to clone Navy Guy!
bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 11:55 am
Many guys claim they don’t use porn… CLAIM.
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claim/klām/ definition 1: from Google. “an assertion of the truth of something, typically one that is disputed or in doubt.”
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😉
Addie Pray February 24, 2015, 11:57 am
dun dun dun. lyra? what say you?
Lyra February 24, 2015, 1:18 pm
Nope he doesn’t. We’re also basically old people because we both have old people hobbies ha.
Portia February 24, 2015, 12:15 pm
Yeah, “claim” is the operative word. There was also a study of men who claimed to be bi, and it “proved” they were not physically bisexual. Turns out they just got a bunch of gay men who claimed to be bi. A follow up study showed there were in fact physically bi men.
Portia February 24, 2015, 12:18 pm
Physically? Physiologically? Now I’m not sure which one… And I think they used fMRI’s or hooked up them up to something else like that.
g February 25, 2015, 6:58 pm
My boyfriend says he hasn’t watched any porn since we started dating (~8 months)… I do believe him, although I don’t care at all, & I encourage him to not feel bad if he ever changes his mind.
Lyra February 24, 2015, 1:16 pm
No he doesn’t. You are correct. 🙂
TheLadyE February 24, 2015, 1:53 pm
I’ve dated 3 guys who I know didn’t watch porn. They are out there.
…and the one who was addicted to it, and that was a nightmare.
RedroverRedrover February 24, 2015, 3:24 pm
I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t. I don’t care if he does or doesn’t, but I’ve never seen an indication of it. He has a low libido for a guy, so that may be why. Anyway, I’m not going to bother asking because it doesn’t matter to me, but I really don’t think he does. Every other guy I’ve dated has, as far as I know.
mrmidtwenties February 24, 2015, 11:28 am
Haha, a sexless guy that is porn celibate…no such thing. I would love to see the ads trying to find men who don’t watch porn. Where do you even advertise something like that? “Attention men who don’t watch porn, that’s right all 3 of you, let us study you like other mythical creatures like unicorns and dragons.”
Lyra February 24, 2015, 1:18 pm
I beg to differ. 😉
Bittergaymark February 24, 2015, 5:43 pm
I, um, would be careful about checking his browser history in the future.
Portia February 24, 2015, 5:51 pm
If he’s good with computers, it could be pretty easy to hide all that. But yeah, don’t start typing “youtube” or “redbox” into the top of the browser, I found out about a couple porn sites that way…
Lyra February 25, 2015, 12:08 am
He’s definitely not your “typical” guy. We’re both super vanilla and he’s definitely not at all interested in watching porn. I stand by that.
tbrucemom February 24, 2015, 3:14 pm
Maybe its the definition of porn. My husband doesn’t watch porn movies but he does occasionally look at neekid women online so I’m assuming that counts? Men are visual and I think that’s why the FAR majority of them look at it, it’s not because there’s something lacking with their GF/wife.
mylaray February 24, 2015, 11:20 am
I don’t think the porn is that big of a deal on its own. I mean I watch about that much a week (often with my husband, but not always) and while it’s on the heavier side of normal, I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag by itself. But the other stuff, oh my, why are you even with him still? He clearly has no respect for you or your relationship. It doesn’t matter that the rest of the relationship is supposedly good when there are such glaring issues like your boyfriend going on dating sites. Come on. Don’t try to fix him. Work on yourself and your self esteem and move on from him.
othy February 24, 2015, 12:01 pm
I agree – it’s all the other stuff that’s the issue. She deserves a guy who treats her with respect.
norabb February 24, 2015, 11:53 am
Oh wow…this is really sad. I hope you realize how much better you deserve to be treated and that there really are guys out there that can give you what you want. He isn’t that guy, and the sooner you move on, the sooner you’ll meet the guy who will do anything for you.
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PLEASE don’t move in with him. That is just the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
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“Recently, he mentioned he has to decide if the porn is more important to him or if I am”
That sentence appalled me…he is telling you outright that you/your relationship are not important to him! He knows he has an addiction, he just isn’t at the point that he can admit it. But you can and did, and that is your answer.
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You deserve so much more. Don’t try to fix him. He has to fix himself.
Wonderland February 24, 2015, 12:16 pm
Wow. I don’t care how nice he is when he’s between porn and oogling women on the street. MOA. Fast. Run.
TheLadyE February 24, 2015, 2:00 pm
MOA. MOA, like, immediately. Yesterday. TODAY.
My ex was also addicted to porn and watched it about as much as your BF, LW, and it was a soul-crushing nightmare. He was so addicted to porn that he could not, ahem, keep it up, with a real live woman (me). He was so addicted to porn that I wasn’t attractive enough for him because he wanted me to look like the women in porn. He was so addicted to porn that nothing I could do would keep his interest sexually.
It was terrible, just terrible. And that was WITHOUT all the other stuff you mentioned – my ex didn’t openly oogle other women or create profiles to get pictures (WHAT?!).
As we dated for awhile, he openly acknowledged his addiction and he even worked to cut down on his porn use (once a day rather than twice, etc) but it wasn’t enough and he couldn’t shake it. It destroyed a lot of my self-confidence that I’m still working to get back.
Please, do yourself a favor and MOA. I was 30-31 when I was dating him (I’m 32 now) and I wish I had ended our 8-month relationship after month 1.
Tired of the porn addiction February 24, 2015, 2:41 pm
Thank you for everyone’s comments. It has been interesting to see everyones point of view. I am not anti porn if used in an appropriate manner. For an occasional look or stress relief or possibly to learn a new move or two. BUT, when someone has to use it daily -multiple hours at a time because they lost track of time because it felt so good- because they had a “bad day” at work, they are “bored”, they are “stressed”, they need to “shut their mind off” so they can sleep – that is obsessive. He has an addiction. He has realized it while dating me. I have researched countless hours on this subject since we have been dating. Most of my research I have kept to myself until now. And the funny thing is I catch him saying and doing all the signs that other porn addicts mention/do. He himself the other night talked to me for an hour about this issue and how he is gradually seeing how his reliance on porn in stemming out into other aspects of his life. Whether it be emotionally, physically, or socially. He has made a habit of hermiting himself and doesnt like to alter his weekday routine. When we are together we are always busy, running errands, biking, playing with my dog. He has distractions. His problem is when there are no distractions during the week to keep his curiosity from getting the best of him. He said himself when he was younger when his mom would run to store he would jump on computer and watch his porn but if she got home earlier than expected he would get pissed. But as soon as she would make him go outside or redirect his thoughts he would forget all about his “allotted porn time” he thought he needed.
I think someone mentioned above about his views toward women. I think you are right. Through my research and listening to him comment about women in general I think his continual porn usage over 20+ years has had an impact on that. In our discussions we have had I point that out. Repeat examples of things that he has said before. He sat there and thought for a few minutes and was like I think you’re right.
No he does not “log” his porn hours. He has told me he feels guilty after wasting hours…yes hours! He said he’ll sit down with the intention of watching for 10-15 min (an acceptable time) and then 45 minutes have gone. Then an hour. Then before he knows it 2-3 hours have passed and all that time he spent trying to “feel good” from the release dissipates because he realizes half the day is gone and he’s gotten nothing accomplished.
I found out about the dating websites because his friend called the other day and he was talking to them about how he had been using them to get tit pics from girls and how he had to make conversation with them to try and intice them to send them. The friend told him that was pure stupidity and was completely different than just looking at porn that was produced for hundreds of people to see and not just a conversation for 2 people. He felt guilty and deleted them and told me about it.
As far as our sex life….I think someone wanted to know why I didn’t mention this. It is fine. No complaints. Occasionally he has a hard time keeping it hard…and I know its because he spent even more time than usual whacking off to his porn. But this has only happened a hand full of times in almost a year. When we see each other we have sex 1-2 times a day.
I have asked him if he would like it if I was doing the porn addiction thing. If I was asking guys for dick pics. If I was conversating with guys in other states to make myself feel good. Of course his response is no. I told him there is no room for hypocrites in our relationship. I have given him a mental time frame in my mind….unbeknownst to him to see if I can tell if he is trying. I feel like our last fallout over this issue made him aware I will not stick around for another battle of this. He said for him to make the change I cannot badger him.
If anyone has any more questions please feel free to ask.
mylaray February 24, 2015, 6:37 pm
You spent paragraphs here obsessing over the details of his porn use, when it’s not the main issue here. He has no respect for you or your relationship. You don’t even sound like you are going to leave this relationship. So you’re just gonna leave it be, not badger him, and wait for him to change? That’s not going to happen. You’ve been dating 11 months. That’s not a lot to lose right now. Take control and end it and show yourself that you are worthy of more.
Lyra February 24, 2015, 7:20 pm
Yeah you’re beating around the bush. The porn, though an issue isn’t THE issue. Your issue is that your boyfriend isn’t respectful of you or your relationship. You mention at the end that you don’t want to date a hypocrite, so don’t. This will NOT change, at least not in the near future. Do yourself a huge favor and don’t make excuses for his behavior on dating sites.
Lyra February 24, 2015, 7:21 pm
Should have proofread…I didn’t mean YOUR issue, I meant the issue in the relationship. Hope that was clear.
Eve February 24, 2015, 7:39 pm
I am sorry for sounding insensitive right now, but for a 30-year-old woman you have an incredibly naive view on this type of relationship problems… Basically saying “I’ll pretend I don’t notice he has a porn addiction and move in with him hoping he will just change on his own”.
I bet these “insights’ he claims to be getting now about his problem, he’s sharing them with you to get you on his side, make you feel like a supportive partner in all of this and to make you believe that now that he has realised everything, he will want to change in the future. This is bullshit. So is the fact that he only just realised that he has a problem while he’s been dating you. Right. By him doing this he makes you forget you are a massively disrespected and hurt girlfriend.. and instead you become his cheerleader.
You aren’t his counselor or therapist or mother or anything to be “curing’ him from his addiction by spending countless hours reading about it online. (been there, done that) If he was going to change, he would have changed in the past 20+ years he’s had this problem (which I assure you he knew about way before you), don’t you think?
PS Psychology amazes me, it’s amazing how ALL types of addicts use the SAME sneaky tactics to manipulate you into staying with them… It’s like they have these “pro-addiction” meetings every week where they discuss their little strategies 😉
Wonderland February 24, 2015, 5:48 pm
“For him to make changes, I cannot badger him” – Maybe I’m cynical here, but that sounds to me like no accountability is going to be acceptable to him. Makes me think that what it means is that he’s going to try to find ways to keep you from knowing that nothing has changed.
pebblesntrix February 24, 2015, 5:51 pm
“I can’t imagine there is a girl out there who would allow him to watch this much porn, ogle other girls on the street right in front of her, and allow him to text random girls and ‘converse’ with then to get tit pics.”
Except, LW, you did. For 11 months…and counting…
“Well, but I ______________________.” Pay close attention to how you fill in that blank because that’s the key to the problem that if not addressed will lead you to stay in more than one messed up situation.
Perhaps what you meant was that you can’t imagine there is ANOTHER girl out there would do this. But, why not? What makes you so special and/or broken that you’d put up with this when no one else would? In other words, your leaving will not automatically provide an incentive for him to change. If you can’t imagine another girl in the universe willing to put up with what you’re putting up with, then why are you?
“How do I handle this situation? He can see that it is hurting me.”
He can see that it is hurting you and he doesn’t give a shit. Don’t be fooled by words, action is what counts. Has he stopped doing the things that hurt you or tried getting professional help to stop doing the things that hurt you. No. “But be stopped for a little while but started back up.” Doesn’t count. Why? First, all you have is his word for that (I mean you aren’t there during the week monitoring his activities and there are lots of ways to get around porn filters and such), which at this point should mean nothing to you as it relates to this issue. Second, if he was serious about stopping and not just appeasing you but putting on a performance in which he appears to try to stop, he’d get help as suggested. But HE TOLD YOU, he has to want it. And he doesn’t. That’s the problem. Cause if he did, things wouldn’t be going down like this. And you think that you can make him want to change if you just loving him enough and showing him how great you are and how much his actions hurt you. And I’m telling you, you’re wrong. It hasn’t happened in 11 months, it ain’t going to happen. Sorry.
” Do I turn a blind eye in hopes he changes?”
First, if it really hurts you, you can’t truly turn a blind eye. Second, if you’re sitting around hoping he’ll decide to change, you’re deluding yourself and when reality finally crashes in (maybe when you find out he hooked up with some girl who sent him pics of her tits he requested) it’s going to be so much worse for you because of the blind eye (which, by the way, he’ll take as meaning it’s really not a big deal because that’s what your behavior will communicate) you turned and the hope you held out.
“Will this wane over time?”
Who knows. Maybe it’ll wane, maybe it’ll wax. Maybe it changes with the weather or with situations as they become more or less “boring and stressful”. The only thing you do know is that the behavior is only going to be influenced by his wants and needs, not yours. And really, what more do you need to know.
“What am I supposed to do here?”
(1) Realize you can’t control another person’s behavior and in some cases you can’t even influence it through subtle or obvious ways (e.g. dangling the treat/reward of living together, threatening to leave, telling him how much it hurts in hopes he’ll value your pain over his pleasure and change for you sake, etc.).
(2) Decide what you will and will not put up with– this is a decision of action not of words; meaning, if you say you won’t be put with “x” but you stick around while “x” continues, you have demonstrated to yourself and others that you will in fact put up with “x” because you are, in which case, no one is going to take seriously your claims about not putting up with “x”, at most, they’ll register your frustration/annoyance.
(3) Act accordingly.
You’re supposed to stop trying to “save him” or salvage his ‘potential’ and move on to something/someone else because this guy as is–as he WANTS to be–isn’t it for you OR you’re supposed to accept that you’re willing to accept this behavior (and its attendant consequences, e.g. low self-esteem that’s only going to get lower, etc.) and continue in the relationship. The third option is to stay in the relationship with your recriminations so that you are continuously hurt and find your trust repeatedly violated and he is variously guilted, nagged, and plagued about something he’s decided he isn’t going to do anything about.
Oh, and p.s. frankly, I’m more concerned that he is a dick to you to your face than with what he does at home when you’re not around. He has no respect for you if he’s willing to ogle women and comment on their bodies when you’re right there. And saying he has no filter isn’t an excuse because I’ve learned in my life that people with “no filter” seem to miraculously grow one when they are confronted with someone they respect or fear, suddenly they’re self-aware in front of the judge or the priest or their parents, etc. etc. whomever it is they actually respect.
g February 25, 2015, 7:05 pm
This ^^
Lucy February 24, 2015, 6:51 pm
Sounds any and every other addict in the world, whether it’s to porn or anything else. He might get better, but the odds aren’t grea, and nothing you do or say will make it happen. Walk away.
Eve February 24, 2015, 7:10 pm
I haven’t had time to read the comments but I don’t see how you can be discussing moving with him (huge step!!) with this big fat elephant in the middle of your relationship (the porn addiction). It seems like you’ve told him this is upsetting you and he keeps doing it. If he didn’t stop the first time you told him, chances are he won’t stop. Please please don’t move in with him in the hope that he’ll change. Do you know what will happen? You’ll move in together and you’ll be even more and more hurt by his porn addiction and continue expressing this to him (which comes across as nagging). If now he is being relatively honest with you about this, once you move in together there’ll be too much pressure on him so he’ll just resort to lying about it. A lot. And then you’ll have a serious relationship not only based around this big fat elephant, but also around lying. And then it becomes really bad.
I was stupid enough to date someone with a very different type of addiction but the dynamic is the same. I regret sitting around for 2 years hoping he’ll change and in the end it was this addiction that put an end to our relationship. I found out he managed to successfully hide his compulsions for more than 1 year, making me believe he has it under control, and soon after we broke up I realised he had never overcome anything. He just became a master of hiding it. This is probably what awaits you if you stay in this relationship.
So to answer your question: you can’t change him because he doesn’t want to change. And even if he says he does want to, chances are he’ll say it just so as not to lose you. Please just move on with your life.
hazel February 25, 2015, 6:20 am
just for balance, I would like to say that I have known many men who do not use porn. I think this is generational- it just wasn’t as mainstream when people my age were at their most hormonally driven. It does seem to be everywhere, and like a lot of things, it is probably pretty harmless in moderation. If Lyra is of my generation, my bet is, she is right about her husband. If she is younger, she’s probably still right- we are not all the same, I know people who don’t like chocolate and never eat it.
This guy sounds like he has a big problem, like an alcoholic living with a big tasty drink available at the click of a button, right by his hand. Addicts are not good people to live with, you will always come second, and he is so far from recovery that you would have a long wait even if he sincerely wanted to change, which he doesn’t. I think you should move on now before you become any more attached to this man.
Jiggs February 25, 2015, 5:01 pm
Yeah, except for the ogling part, my husband did all these things. Now we’re getting divorced. I have a boyfriend now who thinks I’m fucking awesome and doesn’t waste his time trawling for stranger’s boobs on the internet with dating profiles or Craigslist ads. Everyone is better off! I mean, except for the baby that will pop out of my ex’s new girlfriend before the ink is dry on our divorce papers. That kid is fucked, sorry baby. 🙁
Anon April 9, 2021, 10:08 am
I have been with my bf 4 years. We have a child together. He has been watching porn for 2 to 5 hours a day basically 7 days a week. He neglects our son to go to the bathroom and watch porn while I am not home. He even spends 45 mins to an hour watching porn int he bathroom at work. He masturbates in the car before work while in the parking lot of his work. He keeps lube in his lunch box, in the glove box and all over the house. He has sex with me and then heads directly to the bathroom to watch porn. He even got someone else pregnant. If you have a way to get out of the relationship do it now before it is too late. The porn addiction is not going to stop. I have been begging for the last year and a half for him to stop watching porn. It has seriously damaged our relationship.