She told him that she wants daddy date time so he takes weekends off from our relationship to spend with her. I have allowed him to bring her to my house for weekends with us for the last two years, yet she wants time with him without me and he is allowing it. She is always hugging him, kissing him on the mouth, and taking photos of them hugging, and, when he is lying down, she crawls up on his bed, lies next to him, and puts her arms and legs over him. I have tried several times to talk to him about the situation and each time we end up in a huge fight; he feels I am being unreasonable and selfish. I feel this is inappropriate and it is very uncomfortable for me. I have asked him to take a DNA test, yet he refuses out of fear that she may really be his and that he won’t be able to handle the guilt if she is. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. Any advice? — Uncomfortable With His Sudden Daddy’s Girl
Ew, this whole letter gives me the yucks, so I can only imagine how you, LW, must feel. This relationship is grossly inappropriate, and you have every reason to feel uncomfortable, disrespected, and icky by the whole thing. I really, seriously doubt your boyfriend’s reason for refusing a DNA test is truly because he’ll feel so guilty if this girl turns out to be his daughter. And I doubt that his brother making some off-hand comment about the girl looking like their sister was the impetus for your boyfriend’s sudden interest in her. Something tells me her turning 15 and showing all the outward signs of womanhood while being very much a malleable teenager probably had a lot to do with his wanting to spend so much time with her and allowing her to be so physically affectionate with him in ways that certainly border on inappropriate (whether they share DNA or not).
The truth is that, for many years, your boyfriend had no interest in being a father to this girl. He had so little interest, actually, that he refused a DNA test that would have confirmed paternity. And you think some off-hand comment about the girl’s likeness to an actual family member changed his disinterest when the promise of paternity confirmation did not? Very unlikely. What’s more likely is your boyfriend enjoys the attention of this woman-like girl and the freedom to spend intimate time with her. You’ve said that the time he spends with her is at the expense of his relationship with you; I wonder if he’s sacrificing time with his own children, too. His relationship with the girl is also at her expense. He’s abusing his power of authority and taking advantage of her, and it’s really gross.
If your boyfriend continues to refuse a DNA test, and continues to allow or encourage this girl’s behavior, and continues to behave generally inappropriately with this girl (“daddy dates” with someone he never believed to be his daughter, kissing on the mouth, lying together in bed intimately), you should MOA. If it were I, I’d have left already, deleted his number from my phone, and blocked him on email and across whatever social networks I was on. This is bad news and you should proceed with the utmost caution and suspicion. Actually, no. Just MOA now. I can’t fathom how staying with him can lead to anything but a doomed outcome for you.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.