Dear Miles: “He Still Hasn’t Texted Back!!”

After a rather lengthy hiatus spent napping, dreaming of chicken parm subs, and chasing Simone, Miles returns to DW today to tackle some of the letters that have been filling his in-box:

Dear Miles,
My Boyfriend hasn’t called me back yet and it’s been almost TWO HOURS!!!!! I called him at 11:15am to tell him about this really stuck-up customer who came in the store AND THEN DIDN’T EVEN BUY ANYTHING!!!! But now it’s almost 12:50 and he STILL HASN’T CALLED ME BACK!!!!

Who knows where he is?!?!!! Actually I know where he is. He’s at his grandmother’s funeral. I feel sad for his Grandma and all but we need to talk NOW! I need to know everything is okay between us!!! Why is this always happening to ME??!!!

It’s almost 12:55. Should I MOA? — Hopeless Romantic

Wendy and The Man pretend they don’t hear me. It’s 5:30 am and daylight has broken through the blinds. I am so hungry. I meow over and over with all the power I can summon. I know they can hear me.

Maybe today I will see the squirrel again. There is so much I want to say to her. I want to tell her my dreams of one day becoming an airline pilot. Wendy says I would look very handsome in a pilot’s hat.

Sometimes I hide behind the blue chair and no one can see me.

I am so hungry.

Dear Miles,
My girlfriend keeps asking me if I see a future with her and I keep saying, “Yeah, I see a future. I see us having sex tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. And I also see us watching ‘The Avengers’ this weekend, too.” She says that it isn’t funny. but I’m not trying to be funny. I really want to see that movie. Should I just buy advance tickets for the both of us for Friday night? Have you see it yet? Is it good? Should I see it by myself tomorrow and with my girlfriend on Friday? — Future-Rama

Yesterday Wendy ate a small can of tuna mixed with some Trader Joe’s Reduced Guilt Mac-n-Cheese and it smelled so good, but she didn’t give me a taste. Not even a little one. I sat right next to her while she ate and kept whining and looking at her with the saddest eyes I could muster and nothing. She didn’t even acknowledge me. I blame the baby.

Dear Miles,
Should I cut my hair? — Rapunzel

Sometimes Wendy and The Man let me sit on the balcony as long as I wear a leash. On Saturday I got to sit outside until it got dark, listening to all the neighbors having BBQs and parties in their back yards. The people who live next to us had a bonfire and roasted marshmallows. Wendy says it’s cause they’re from Denmark.


  1. We´ve missed you Miles!!!
    Very funny (as usual), except that the first 2 letters sound like things that people actually ask over and over again.

  2. Miles, I was having a pretty bad day until your post showed up. Thanks for cheering me up!

    1. I was thinking of you yesterday, my sister posted on FB several pics from the Vancouver Aquarium, one of them looked a lot like your pic here!

      1. ooh yay! pacific sea nettles are the best! 🙂

      2. There were several different photos of jellyfish, shame she has her settings on private or I´d send you the link.

  3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    Now when I read Miles’ posts, I hear Henri’s voice from the video the other day. Does Miles have a French accent? That’s cool.

      1. Ha, same here!

  4. lets_be_honest says:

    Dear Miles,
    How can the new tuition company tack on a $60 processing fee each month. That’s $720 a year. On top of the 10% increase in tuition. That’s really unfair, right?
    Poor Mom

  5. aw, miles. we missed you. can i set you up with my kittie Zoe? she’s young and ready to play! she still hates the boyfriend i brought home for her… still. she would probably fall in love with you…

  6. Dear Miles,

    A six-fingered cat I have nicknamed Steve French (yes, I stole that) keeps yowling to get into my apartment and one time, the sneaky cat that he is, he successfully got inside while I was coming in at night carrying things. Should I just admit defeat and allow him to squat in my pad? I would want to take him to the vet…and I’m not sure I want a half-in half-out style cat….I don’t know why he singled us out. Must be he likes the cut of my jib…

    -Budj the cat whisperer

    P.s. When he stands still he has duck feet and he likes to roll around on the pavement and get really dirty…if that affects your advice.

    1. kerrycontrary says:

      Aw take him in (if you can afford/commit to a cat). My friend took in a feral cat and now it’s fine and domestic.

      1. Yea – he seems very aloof, but very gentle natured. When I was handling him he didn’t fight at all and just kind of “hangs out” when I go outside to smoke a cigarette…it’s pretty funny. I’ll go outside and like 2 minutes later I hear this “meooww” and look down and he is looking at me like “sup?”…

        I can afford it – just need my roommates to sign on…and to vow to vacuum more as cat hair is annoying to me.

      2. SweetPeaG says:

        So, my fiance has two of his own cats. And he has had a temporary room-mate situation with two other cats. FOUR cats in one house- sounds awful, but it has remained remarkably clean. I find their shedding to be very minimal. Surprisingly enough. I don’t think fur from one kitty will be bad at all.

        If that makes any difference in your decision 🙂

    2. Cats aways pick their people. Cats that don’t are just biding their time for the right people. I picked my people. I stood outside their window and meowed at them and then wouldn’t leave and made the most pathetic sounds for weeks until they let me inside.

      So, congratulations on your new cat.

    3. Aw, keep him! I would take him to the vet though, just to make sure he’s healthy (and to neuter him)

      Six-fingered cats are awesome, by the way. And like Mischief said, cats always choose you, not the other way around 🙂 ha

    4. Please be careful with a stray cat – It is fine if you would like to keep the cat, but make sure you take it to the vet as soon as possible to make sure the cat is healthy. Strays can carry a lot of strange things and you could get very very sick from it. Just use caution!

    5. cats definitely pick their people- as you can tell! and my family and friends have many more stories.. its true.

      i would try to find out if he is owned by someone else- that does happen sometimes.. cats will have multiple “owners” who feed them and love them and the cats will just roam from house to house.

      then, yes, take him to the vet! if you go through your local human shelter or a cat foundation of some sort you might be able to cut some of the costs that way.

      so lucky you have been picked!

    6. Absolutely! My current cat adopted me, too. His previous owners MOVED AND LEFT HIM BEHIND so he started looking in my back window. He could just sense that I am a cat lady and would take the best care of him ever. He’s been completely loved and spoiled ever since.

    7. If the cat is a stray cat and you plan to take him in (I totally would too exept my fiance’ would kill me, he sets the limit at one cat lol) do you plan to keep him as indoor and outdoor?

      When I was little, we took in a stray cat named Max. Very friendly, he would cuddle with you when you cried but he always wanted out and we wanted him to be an inside cat. That didn’t work. He litterally would chew holes in the screen to get outside. He always came back, but it will be hard to keep your new kitty inside if you wanted to.

      I agree. Definitely a vet trip, and if he will be outside, heartwork, fleas, ticks, etc. Get treatments for outdoor kitties.

      1. *heartworm I meant, not heartwork

      2. I’d like him to be indoor…with his determination to get inside I wonder if he would be happy being an indoor cat….how dirty he likes to get makes me think he prefers the outside though.

      3. I never let my cats outside, & they don’t really try to leave (and two of them came directly from outside) I think most can actually adapt to indoors!

      4. My cat likes go outdoors during the day. I’m pretty sure all he does is sleep in the sun and roll around in the dirt. He comes home filthy, haha.

    8. He picked you, Budj. You have to let him stay. He’ll be a cool companion and you won’t regret it. (But think twice about that indoor/outdoor thing…cats need to be protected from the elements these days.

  7. Dear Miles,

    I too am hungry all the time. ESPECIALLY at 5:30am. Do you think perhaps we are soul mates? I too have the diabetis and my peoples say that they are very lucky to have caught it early and thank the Wendy for telling them about the water drinking thingee. So thanks for all the shots, Wendy lady. Sometimes I do not notice, but other times it is cold and scares me. Sometimes I see the Wilford Brimley guy and he talks about having the diabetis on TV and then my peoples makes jokes about putting me on the catkins diet and call me Wilford. I think the three of us should get together and talk! You, me & Wilford have so much in common!

    Also – Rapunzel should not cut her hair. We should hang out instead so I can lay next to her and bury my face in all that soft hair. It is how I like to snuggle with my girl person when she is sleeping.


  8. Thunder_Power says:

    I’m glad to know my family isn’t the only one who puts the cat on a lease outside lol

    1. I walk my cat on a leash 🙂

    2. I used to take my cat, Puddy Tat (RIP, buddy), outside on a leash because he loved the outdoors, and I lived in the thick of the city. He hated putting it on, but once he was outside, he played to his heart’s content. I’d even hook it up to an old clothesline we had in our backyard so he could run. It got me some strange looks from my neighbors, but they are also the types who leave dogs outside unattended all the time, no matter the weather or time of day.

      The cats I have now want no part of the outside. I miss the stuggle to put on a harness and leash, and watching a cat romp in my yard, but each cat is different. Someday, I’ll have another one who’s down with the leash.

      1. When my cat sees me grab the leash he goes crazy (like a dog does). He runs to the door and yells until I put it on him. It’s cute.

  9. kerrycontrary says:

    Dear Miles,

    I am scared of other dogs but I am curious about the cats next door because they sit very still and don’t bark. They always play outside and poo in the yard. Sometimes I try to roll around in it so I can cover up my own scent. Do you think the cats would be friendly with me? I heard cats beat up dogs. Have you ever beaten up a dog?

    People make fun of me because I’m so little. They say I’m like a cat because I look out the window and sunbathe all day long. Sometimes when people see me from afar they think my mom is walking a cat. What’s wrong with walking a cat?

    Best wishes,

    Summer the dachshund

    1. Summer, I am a kitty but I am more like a dog. A lap dog. The male human does not like cats but he loves me because I cuddle him, play with him, and sleep next to him aaaaaall night long. He’s been gone forever though. The female human mentions Colorado a lot. I stand on my hind legs and look out the window for Colorado but I don’t know where that is…

      Anyway, I love playing and I meow all the time but the humans do not understand.

      Humans often say I am more like a dog than a cat. Maybe we will get along.

  10. Wendy, how has Miles’ health been? He seems to be back to his normal silly self 🙂 Hope he’s doing well!

    1. He is well, thanks for asking.

      I was so sorry to read about your kitty on the message board. And i just checked and see that there’s an happy ending. Whew…

  11. Dear Miles

    I see you watching me, with your pilots cap on, dreaming of the wild blue yonder. Am I your co-pilot, or just another stewardess that you intend to play with?

    My girlfriends tell me to forget about you and MOA. They know I have a weakness for dangerous men. And you have a heart of danger. In your flight harness, walking the precipices. The humans must strap you down. No fear, no parachute! Am I your parachute, or just another soft place to land?

    When I say Love will you think Lunch?

    – Ingred the Squirrel

  12. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    Hah, hilarious. It’s amazing how to many — cell phones have become nothing more than a oh so convenient leash…

    1. I remember when my mom gave a cel phone to my 13 year old brother, I told her she was spoiling him. Then she pointed out that it was like a leash.

  13. Miles, my little Kitty Liara would love you.

    If the humans do not wake up to your meowing, try pawing them in the face as they sleep. Gentle pawing here and there, or even kneading Wendy’s hair will get their attention. However, now that you mentioned the lease on the deck, I don’t know if I like you anymore. My human is now considering this aspect because she can’t relax when she takes me up on the deck. I love sitting there, watching the birds and squirrels, dreaming of catching them, but the second I stick my head inbetween the banisters, my human freaks out and makes me come inside 🙁 now she might think of putting a lease on me :'(

    I love to cuddle. I do hide under chairs when I know I need a bath or when I know I’ve been bad. Why does my human give me a bath, Miles? Shouldn’t I just run around with the poop on my long fur until it falls off on the carpet? I mean… seriously… my human is a nut.

    1. amy, you could ask your vet if they’ll do a sanitary clip for little Liara. My Toby had long hair, and would also end up with dingleberries. The clip was very helpful, only a few dollars, and made everyone much happier.

  14. Dear Miles,

    We all know you’re the coolest, but who comes in second: Simon’s Cat or Henri?

    Glad to see you back. We’ve missed you!

    Love, peace, and catnip,


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