Dear Miles: “I Had a Date!!”

I’ve been in the hospital, so Miles has kindly volunteered to step in and guest write a column or two this week. Here’s one of them:

I did it! I went on a date with Mike! Actually it was a group date. It was a field trip for biology class. We went to the lake to collect larvae specimens or something. But Mike and I rode in the same van. Just two rows apart. He sat next to Denise. Anyhoo, I ended up making out with our Science Professor behind a boat house. Not bad right? — Gina

Dear Gina,

Wendy tells me I’ve been losing weight but it’s hard to believe that’s true. I know she’s only trying to encourage me – but the truth is I feel bigger than ever. When I’m not eating I spend most of my time sleeping and staring out the window. My days are filled with regret. Years ago, when I was in the shelter, there was a calico named Marbles. She was an angel — and I was just a stupid kitten. Why didn’t I tell her when I had the chance? I still love Marbles. I LOVE YOU MARBLES! Goddammit. I have to get myself together. Look at me.

*If you have a relationship/dating question Miles can help answer, send him your letters at


  1. I love you too Miles!

  2. LolaBeans says:

    bahahahaha…. poor Miles. Maybe you’ll find your marbles soon.

  3. I’m a little surprised that Miles calls Wendy “Wendy”. I’ve often wondered what my cats call me. “The stupid one who occasionally feeds us”? “The furless one”? “The giant”? They seem to like me, but they make it very plain that they are not getting the kind of service (food and litter-box wise) that they clearly deserve.

    1. Sohara – I think Foxy calls me “that damned female who brought the 4th small human home” sometimes. Just the way she looks at me some days when she has jelly in her fur confirms it.
      Other times, I’m “the bitch that brushes me”, or “the angel that brings me wet food” or “the idiot in my spot on the couch/bed” or occasionally “hey, you, human tummy scratcher”.

      I doubt she’d ever deign to call me by name. She’s too much of a diva.

      1. I have some sympathy for Foxy. While I genuinely like children, I HATE stickiness. Those baby birthday pictures with cake-smeared faces agitate my stomach.

        Perhaps when the smallest of the small humans is five or six, and no longer consistently sticky-fingered, you will find more favor in Foxy’s eyes.

      2. moonflowers says:

        That, and cats can’t taste sweet flavors, so jelly means nothing to Foxy. She must be thinking “Stupid bipeds eating glue!”

      3. You reminded me of one cat I had (a Siamese that wasn’t as smart as siameses tend to be), I was doing some crafts, and had mixed pva with water in a little bowl, I went to get something and when I got back she had drank it all!!!! Luckily she was OK!!!

    2. I think mine must call me Mama. They follow me around constantly and always want to curl up on my chest or in my lap (or, one on my chest and one on my lap all at once) and cry at the door for me when they hear me coming down the stairs to my apartment. Seriously, they are SUCH babies.

      1. How sweet. And no diapers or sticky faces to deal with.

      2. i know mine definitely calls me mama… when we brought her home, she was apparently too small to be away from her mom, and she started sucking on me… like, literally sucking on me like kittens suck on their mom.. she is about a year now and she still does it lol.

      3. Mine calls me Mommy. He cries when I leave his sight, and he sleeps pressed right up against me. Sometimes I catch him just staring at me… And he’s very jealous of my fiance!

  4. silver_dragon_girl says:

    Stay strong, Miles. My friend’s cat, Renegade, had to go on a diet. It took months for her to lose two pounds, but she finally did it! Just try not to whine for extra food too much. That only makes it worse.

  5. fast eddie says:

    I lost my marbles years ago or so they tell me. If you find yours see if mine are among them. 🙂

  6. Wendy, it looks like your RSS feed isn’t working correctly. I tried subscribing and there are no items in the feed.

    1. Thank you. Someone else mentioned that too. I’ll take a look at it when I’m back home and settled.

  7. SimonTheGrey says:

    Mummy tells me that I have had kittens. She brushed me a long time yesterday, and when she was done there were four balls of me on the floor. She says now that I have less fur, I must weigh less. That means I have lost weight! My diet is over. I am happy. My recommendation to you is to have your Wendy-lady brush the kittens out of your fur. Then you will weigh less.

  8. My people have been calling me fat lately. I think I just have a beautiful, rubenesque body type. The girl-thing keeps saying I should look like my mother, who, even after four litters, returned to a slim shape. But all of my brothers and sisters are fatter than me! Sure, they’ve got bigger bone structures, but I don’t think I should be held to a different standard than them.

    Also, she keeps going out in the morning for a few hours and leaves me at home with the sleeping boy-thing, who tosses and turns and pays me no attention. I have to wait by the door and make her feel guilty about it. I keep wishing that means she’ll feed me more, but it doesn’t help.

    Boy-thing is better. He gave me a whole fish filet the other night. I couldn’t eat all of it, but it sure was tasty.

  9. SweetChild says:

    I wish my cat were fat enough to need a diet, she is bone skinny and any efforts to fatten her up prove futile! A lot of the food she eats doesn’t go all the way through but gets barfed straight back up. Bulimic cat is too thin!!

    1. Try canned tuna packed in water. Recommended by a vet. Flaked tuna is only about twice the price of cans so it’s not completely unreasonable. I’ve seen sick cats not touch dry food for days just swallow it. It also tends to stay down.

    2. silver_dragon_girl says:

      You might also try the hairball control cat food. That might help control the barfing. If your vet agrees she’s too skinny, he or she should be able to hook you up with some cat food that will help her put on weight. I’m not sure her situation is dire enough for Science Diet A/D (what they give to emaciated or starving animals to help them gain body weight fast), but there might be a better option. 🙂

    3. I had a kitty just like this, she was hyperthyroid. Might be worth checking out, she just needed a little bit of medicine everyday and she bulked up a bit.

  10. Dear Miles,

    Don’t be sad. You look like a very cuddly kitteh. I would let you play with my squeaky mouse to feel better but you live very far away. Maybe that’s what you need. A toy to keep your mood and energy up. That way if you want to lose weight you can but you have fun playing. Its a win-win! Just like being a kitteh.



  11. TheOtherME says:

    Dear Miles,
    Have you tried the “missed connections” on Craigslist ? you never know,

    Good Luck

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