I’m on vacation through May 13th, and in my absence Miles has offered to guest write a couple of columns. Here’s one of them:
Dear Stolen Heart,
I like to cover my eyes with my paw when I sleep on the bed. I like to sleep on my side with my paw over my eyes and the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. It’s my way of blowing off steam. Some mornings I wish I could wake up, put on a suit, and go to an office. I would hide under a table in a conference room while everyone negotiates a business contract. Then I would run out, at the end of the meeting, when everyone is shaking hands.
*If you have a relationship/dating question Miles can help answer, send him your letters at email@example.com.
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 12:24 pm
Five years ago I stole your purse and I am wondering if I would perhaps steal your boyfriend now, can you help me ?
SpyGlassez May 2, 2011, 4:48 pm
Miles – my furry “son” Simon had this to say:
I prefer to sleep stretched out in the middle of the floor in the middle of whatever room the peoples are using. Sometimes I sprawl on my back, and sometimes on my tummy, and when I sleep on my tummy they say I look like a sleeping human baby. Imagine the indignity! I don’t dream of offices, though. I dream of food when I am asleep, and when I am awake, I also dream of food. In fact, I’m hungry now.
SpyGlassez May 2, 2011, 4:48 pm
WTF? That wasn’t supposed to go there.
Public Pearl May 2, 2011, 12:30 pm
Oh. Cat people humor.
Betsy May 3, 2011, 8:50 am
It kinda makes me think of “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” 🙂
cat-i-z May 2, 2011, 12:45 pm
Pretty sure I’ve read a book with this same situation… yep I have.
Love Love Miles!
sarolabelle May 2, 2011, 1:05 pm
what book is that? sounds interesting.
cat-i-z May 2, 2011, 1:19 pm
Hey Sarolabelle… I believe it’s The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. The storyline is close 🙂
TheGirl May 2, 2011, 2:36 pm
Only difference is he didn’t steal someone’s purse to get it – which would just up the creepiness factor by a million!
Leigh May 2, 2011, 3:21 pm
She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb had a sort of similar plot line in it. The girl stole pictures of her college roommate’s boyfriend, and eventually tracked him down. Great book, but definitely strange if someone actually did it!
Caris May 2, 2011, 12:57 pm
My cat sleeps like that too 😀
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 1:11 pm
Does he also paw you like he’s kneading bread ? Mine does, sometimes he tries to sleep on my head too 🙂
TheGirl May 2, 2011, 4:08 pm
Mine used to knead all the way around my legs on both sides and basically tuck me in from the waist down. It was the coolest thing. But now that he’s older he just takes me for granted!
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 1:16 pm
Mine do too 🙂 They often sleep on my head or under the blankets or really wherever and however they want. The other night one was kneading my neck while I was sleeping. I was pretty sure someone was trying to kill me.
MissDre May 2, 2011, 1:21 pm
My older cat always comes and stands on my chest and starts kneading on my boobs! This can be painful 😛
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 1:30 pm
It sure can be. I always try to convince them that they want to do that to my back so I can get a nice back massage, but they don’t listen. My older one likes to bite or paw at my eyelids when I’m sleeping. Maybe he’s just trying to make sure I’m still alive. Or he paws at me to wake me up so I can lift the blanket for him to go under (he’s practically royalty, so he can’t be caught just trying to slide under it!)
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 1:43 pm
welcome to the official cat thread !!!
MissDre May 2, 2011, 1:59 pm
Yes, my little one will paw at my face until I lift the blanks for her to crawl under. She likes to be where it’s warmest and ALWAYS has to be touching some part of my body.
Meaghan Self May 2, 2011, 2:36 pm
He’s tasting you.
A dog will lay by his dying master till his own death. A cat will taste you when you nap too long.
…I’m a little biased towards dogs :]
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 2:52 pm
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs. I don’t doubt that my cats are generally tasting me if I sit still too long, but I’m pretty sure my female dog would eat me if I died. She’s got a food fixation and without someone to feed her, she’d have at it 🙂 My male is super protective though.
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 2:54 pm
@honeybeenicki : I ❤ Pet Lovahs
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 4:06 pm
I have a pet problem. In addition to my 2 cats and 2 dogs I also have 2 dumbo rats, a hedgehog, and a bearded dragon. And thats actually a small number of pets for me 🙂
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 4:22 pm
Hello, my name is honeybeenicki and I am a pet addict.
What is a bearded dragon ???
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 4:33 pm
Its a type of lizard. They are extremely friendly and can get about 24 inches long from nose to tail. They get really wide though. They start as these adorable little tiny creatures and get rapidly bigger. I’ve had mine for about 4 years and got him as a baby and he is now chunky and about 15 inches long. He’s kind of a grump because he’s an adolescent but loves to be held.
I am a bit of pet addict. Can’t turn anyone away 🙂 I worked in a pet store right after high school and ended up spending most of my check there and went home with a lot of animals (including 2 hamsters named Nubs and Stubs who were left in with their dad at birth and ended up without feet).
Ally May 2, 2011, 4:30 pm
You can keep a hedgehog as a pet? So cool!
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 4:34 pm
They are really neat and some of them are really nice and social but mine is definitely not. I was at the pet store when someone returned her because she was mean, so I asked about her and she had been returned 2 other times for the same reason. I got her super discounted and she lives nice and comfortably instead of in a tiny pet store cage. She lets me hold her and pet her but no one else.
Anne (I Go To 11) May 3, 2011, 8:58 am
So do both of mine, although one does it more than the other. It’s adorable!
sweetleaf May 2, 2011, 1:26 pm
Do people really send these types of letters in?!
cat-i-z May 2, 2011, 1:35 pm
I’m thinking and hoping no!
Callifax May 2, 2011, 2:48 pm
I was thinking that too. I mean, I’m aware that some people steal purses…but who would admit to it in an advice column??
Rachel May 2, 2011, 1:53 pm
I’m assuming someone sent it in and Wendy recognized that it was obviously a fake so she let Miles answer it 🙂
TheOtherMe May 2, 2011, 1:55 pm
I think Miles is one of the guest columnists while Wendy is away
ArtsyGirl May 2, 2011, 1:30 pm
My parents had a Siamese when they were first married named Henry. Henry was well over 12 lbs (total fat cat) and he would wait until my father was asleep and then gingerly drape himself across my father’s neck so that dad would wake up choking because his adam’s apple was being pressed and his mouth and nose blocked by cat. I really think Henry had it out for my father.
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 1:31 pm
My husband thinks my eldest cat (who is somewhere from 17-19 years old) has it out for him too. Which he probably does. But he’s so sweet and cute!
ArtsyGirl May 2, 2011, 1:51 pm
Congrats on the good care you must give your cat for him to have such longevity!
honeybeenicki May 2, 2011, 2:03 pm
He’s just a tough old fart. I got him 7 years ago when he was between 10 and 12. He was one of 13 cats an older woman had and none of her 5 kids would take any of them when she passed away. I knew that because he was older, he wouldn’t have as much chance of being adopted. He was one of only 3 left. No major problems so far. He had a minor tooth infection because apparently he decided to grow another random tooth right up against an existing one, but other than that he’s in perfect health 🙂
SpyGlassez May 2, 2011, 4:37 pm
My roommate’s mom has a cat whose name is Hagatha, but I renamed her Crib Death because she likes to start out sleeping on your chest and sloooooowwwwly move neckwards as you sleep, till you wake up her draped over your throat with her face-fur over your mouth. She isn’t very big, but she’s solid and probably weighs 10 or so pounds. Actually, I plan to write stories (slightly sick and twisted stories) someday about that trio of cats that my roommate’s mom has – besides Crib Death, there’s Atilla the Hunny (tiny but fierce) and TigerStump (who had to have an amputation after she was shot).
TJ May 2, 2011, 2:05 pm
I mean, surely there’s no harm in the LW contacting the person whom they stole the purse? It was years ago! I mean c’mon-get over it all ready. I’m sure they have another purse!*
And what a crazy story to tell their future grandkids!**
*Meant in a completely sarcastic way
**This too, but it would be a wild story…
redessa May 2, 2011, 2:46 pm
On the off chance that this letter is real:
1)If you still possess anything belonging to this woman and you have her contact info (assuming it’s still accurate), send her back to her! You don’t have to include your return information, but at least do the right thing. If you don’t have her stuff but for some reason stored her contact info, destroy it. You have no business knowing anything about the woman you robbed.
2)What in the world makes you so sure she and this guy have broken up? For all you know, they’re married and have children by now. They could have already been married when you took her purse in the first place.
3)This whole thing reminds me of a “Friends” episode where it turns out Pheobe had mugged Ross years ago. She still had some comic book he’d made (that was in his backpack) and returned it to him.
Rachel May 2, 2011, 2:59 pm
Not sure why you got thumbs down, but I evened it out for you. A Friends reference always wins me over!
sarolabelle May 2, 2011, 3:16 pm
I think it is thumbs down because it offers advice to the made up letter.
redessa May 2, 2011, 6:01 pm
redessa May 2, 2011, 6:02 pm
And I know it’s most likely made up. But if there’s any chance someone out there is really thinking this…
Kerrycontrary May 2, 2011, 2:51 pm
this is just so bizarro. Miles thing is funny, letter is weird.
Mischief May 2, 2011, 2:52 pm
While I generally prefer to twist around so that I am sleeping on the top of my head, sometimes the paw over the eyes is definitely necessary. It shows your People you mean business. However, I think your love of sleeping may have clouded you to the issue at hand. Namely, foolish human who wants to go after a person in a picture. Everyone knows pictures are just pieces of paper waiting to be balled up and played with. She should stop wasting her time and start making toys. Especially since pictures make a particularly satisfying sound when hit across a concrete floor.
Rachelgrace53 May 2, 2011, 3:11 pm
YAY MILES! It feels like ages that I’ve been awaiting his return…
Heather May 2, 2011, 3:58 pm
There’s just something about Miles’ adorable look on his face that I can’t get out of my head…
MissDre May 2, 2011, 4:10 pm
I wish we could hear more from Simone…
Maracuya May 2, 2011, 5:16 pm
You know Simone is one classy dame.
TheeCoolOne May 2, 2011, 11:08 pm
Who does that? i’m hoping this was fake but if not- totally rude to steal a purse, keep the possessions years later (don’t people steal purses for the money?) and try to steal her boyfriend. Clean up your life “stolen heart”.
fast eddie May 2, 2011, 11:09 pm
Two of ours like to tuck me into bed at night. One or the other lays on my chest or legs while I read and until I turn the light off. After I turnover they curl up behind my knee to sleep the night away. Sometimes I get kitty kisses, a bonus.
We’re fostering 2 nursing kittens at the moment that require bottle feeding every 2 hours around the clock. Don’t try this without a partner’s support. I’ve got to get a video of that and put it on my web site. Including the 6 fosters our current cat count is 9.
MissDre May 3, 2011, 8:58 am
Easter weekend I was very blessed to watch 5 kittens come into the world! They are SO tiny! Like little mice! I’d love to foster kittens but I think my heart would break when it’s time to give them up.
MsMisery82 May 3, 2011, 1:39 pm
My cat-son also sleeps with his paws over his eyes. Sometimes just one, sometimes both. He also likes to sleep on his back with his harbls on full display (even though he’s fixed and really only has the ghost-harbls). He’s a camera whore.