I’ve been dating a young man for a little over two years, living with him since August of 2010. We didn’t much discuss the moving-in — it sort of happened because his lease was up. Right now, I am finishing up my last three law school exams EVER. Let me preface the rest of this by saying that my brain does terrible things during finals, such as convincing me I had AIDS (bought a home test, negative) and that I was pregnant (twice, neither time was I actually pregnant.)
That said, I think that this is not the guy for me. I am 28, highly educated and come from a close – if screwed up – family. He too, is 28, but barely graduated high school, and is a line cook who drinks nearly every night and smokes pot regularly. I enjoy a drink, even a bender now and then but do not smoke pot — in fact, I hate pot (a personal preference). I have gotten him to not smoke it in the house, but it irritates me when he comes home (usually at midnight or one due to his job, although it was worse when he was a bartender and was coming in at 3-4-5 am) stoned out of his gourd and drunk. I had to get up at 6 for an externship all semester, and four hours of sleep doesn’t really cut it when you have to be on top of your game and utterly charming in hopes of scoring a job.
He doesn’t pay rent, cable (which he insisted that we get, with the HD package) or any other bills. He did one time, when I was in my home state on vacation and forgot my checkbook and had no way to get in touch with my landlords. He does not ever do dishes, although he does take out the trash now. I once let the dishes pile up for a month, to see what he would do, and he would do one dish — the dish he was using, and then complain to me about how it would be nice to have clean dishes. He does laundry, but usually just his unless mine’s mixed in. He will not get the mail, even if I ask him to. My mail actually got stopped once because of this.
My boyfriend hates my mother (the feeling is mutual), and my friends up here (I’m not from here, so he hasn’t met my really good friends that I’ve known forever) think he has a terrible attitude, and he doesn’t like them either because they tend to be law students. I can’t stand his friends, who, while I am sure they are decent people, do things like smoke pot around their children, get people pregnant and do not have cars or health insurance. I don’t hang out with his friends and he doesn’t hang out with my friends. I get to see them while he’s at work; if he’s not he gets pouty if I am not home with him. He hasn’t met my father. I cannot introduce a 28-year-old pothead line cook who graduated high school with a .9 GPA to my Ph.D. neuroscientist father. He would kill me. Or him. Probably him. I’d get a talking-to.
This morning he told me he had had a dream that we got married. I had one of those moments like in the movies, when the camera zooms in on someone’s face because something bad happens. I don’t know what to do. It’s not THAT bad, but I’m definitely not my best self (which, when I am, I am AWESOME) when I’m with him. The thing is, he’s funny, and we do have a good time together. He IS smart, just not ambitious about education. And a damn good cook, when he does it. He’s never hit me. I feel bad about wanting to leave, and I don’t want to hurt him. But I can’t talk to him about this because once, during a fight, he said “You’re just like all the others, you think I’m a loser.” We don’t fight very often – at all really – because I’ve learned to just keep my mouth shut for fear of putting him on the defensive, which is very unpleasant and easy to do. I do love him.
I guess what I’m asking, is “Is this enough to leave?” How do I kick someone out of MY apartment (I’m the one on the lease) when things aren’t really THAT bad? I feel so sick to my stomach I can barely eat. This is not helping me study, which I REALLY need to do. I’m nearly out of money, and with no job forthcoming yet, I may have to move home anyway, and I don’t think I want him to come with me. — Final(s) Freak-out
You wrote six paragraphs — one of the longest, if not the longest, letters I’ve ever published — outlining all the ways your boyfriend disappoints you and doesn’t live up to your expectations. Just about the only good thing you found to say about him is he doesn’t hit you. You’re so ashamed of the guy, you can’t even fathom the idea of introducing him to your brainy dad. And you want to know if that’s enough to dump him?! What else could you possibly be waiting for? You don’t seriously think a guy hitting you is sole justification for kicking him out, do you?
Come on, you’re a smart women. You’ve got your shit together for the most part. Why are you still hanging on to this boyfriend? What are you afraid is going to happen if you let him go? Is it the idea of loneliness that scares you? Hurting someone you’ve grown to care about? I assure you, neither of those things is as bad as what you feel right now, which is soul-sucking dread every time you bear the thought of spending one more day in the company of this guy who so thoroughly and deeply disappoints you.
So, kick him out. And don’t say you can’t kick him out because if you do he’s going to accuse you of thinking he’s a loser. You do think he’s a loser! Why are you so afraid of letting him knowing that? This guy has been taking advantage of you for months and it’s time for you to let the truth set you free! You think he’s a loser if for no other reason than he’s been shamelessly sponging off you since August, you aren’t in love with him, and this relationship has come to the end of its road. Move out. END OF DISCUSSION.
Once you free all that head space you’ve been using actively disliking your boyfriend, just think of all the things you’ll be able to do! Why, you might even find one of those elusive jobs if you really put your mind to it.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
ReginaRey April 28, 2011, 3:08 pm
He’s smart, but not ambitious, he cooks pretty well, and he doesn’t hit you. Well goddmanit, hook your wagon to THAT pretty darlin’ because you got yourself a WINNER!
For real? Can I create a new rule that all women must live by – You don’t need permission or a laundry list of reasons to break up with someone. The desire to break up with someone in and of ITSELF is a reason to leave…because you shouldn’t be with someone who you consistently have a desire to be without.
Also – “Things aren’t that bad…but I feel so sick I can’t eat.” HUGE contradiction. Just because he isn’t abusing you or you aren’t fighting every day doesn’t mean it isn’t bad.
BoomChakaLaka April 29, 2011, 9:26 am
Don’t think I even need to leave a comment…
Ash April 29, 2011, 9:59 am
Boom – LOVE your name! Hahaha
callmehobo April 28, 2011, 3:09 pm
Can I ask why unhappy women ask others if they have enough “reasons” to dump someone?
YOU ARE UNHAPPY. YOU ARE SO UNHAPPY YOU WROTE A SIX PARAGRAPH LETTER ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE. Isn’t that enough of a reason to move on?
Listen, being miserable in a relationship is enough to kick someone to the curb. I understand that he probably has good qualities, too, but you couldn’t even think of one to put in the letter! SIx paragraphs and not ONE redeeming quality mentioned. Do yourself a favor and get out of the relationship. Everyone deserves some happiness, and you definitely don’t need to ask us or anyone else for permission to get it!
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 3:17 pm
“YOU ARE UNHAPPY. YOU ARE SO UNHAPPY YOU WROTE A SIX PARAGRAPH LETTER ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE. Isn’t that enough of a reason to move on?”
No way… I bet she could stretch it out to seven or eight paragraphs if she really tried. In the interest of not half-assing this thing, I say we keep the dude around for another month or two and try to crack double digits. YES WE CAN!
callmehobo April 28, 2011, 3:23 pm
Hahahah, that’s awesome. If she waits until her finals are over, she might just fill up two whole pages. Shoot for the stars!
HmC April 28, 2011, 3:20 pm
Lol. Law students/lawyers are a very verbal bunch. It’s like she’s pleading her case to a jury. Verdict- dump!
honeybeenicki April 28, 2011, 3:25 pm
I was thinking the same thing. A normal person (because we all know law students and lawyers are not normal but thats ok since law school is in my 5 year plan – I figure time off after grad school was a good idea) would just give a quick list.
emjay April 28, 2011, 3:11 pm
You are not asking for advice, you are asking us for permission to throw his lazy ass out on the street. This relationship might have been great for some one in like high school, but now? Come on letter writer, look at what you wrote, you know the answer, just grow (lady) balls and just do it already. There is no future with this guy and you know it. Stop tagging him along and just cut him loose to go mooch off some other unsuspecting person.
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 3:19 pm
Green thumb for ‘lady balls’.
honeybeenicki April 28, 2011, 3:20 pm
I just had to say that I thoroughly enjoyed your sentence that included “just grow (lady) balls and just do it already.” That made me laugh in the middle of a quiet office.
HmC April 28, 2011, 3:17 pm
“I think that this is not the guy for me.”
That’s all you need to know, right there at the beginning of your letter. Honey, this is not a court of law. You don’t need evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he’s a horrible match for you in order to justify dumping him. Even if he were a perfectly good person with no major flaws, if someone’s not a match they just aren’t a match. He’s simply not for you, you seem to know that, and that means that it’s time for you both to move on to partners that are better matches for each of you.
Also- I’m in law skill too, and my body goes crazy during finals! I frequently miss periods from the stress of finals/mock trials/legal research papers, and and have taken pregnancy tests (even though I am extremely careful with birth control). So I can relate! Do what you can to regulate the stress your body feels… I’ve found that yoga helps quite a bit, and other physical activities like hiking or running.
emjay April 28, 2011, 3:20 pm
“That’s all you need to know, right there at the beginning of your letter. Honey, this is not a court of law. You don’t need evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he’s a horrible match for you in order to justify dumping him.”
LMAO!!!!! So true! Love it!
HmC April 28, 2011, 3:22 pm
Bah ha, law skill = law school. My brain is meeeelting from finals…
MissDre April 28, 2011, 3:19 pm
He’s never hit you? For real?? I couldn’t believe that when I read it… it comes across like you think you should be grateful, it seems like you think you don’t even deserve that much… ARE YOU NUTS?
For someone so smart academically, you are being really dumb when it comes to loving yourself. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE GETTING! You deserve someone strong and ambitious, someone who fits your lifestyle and shares your goals and dreams, someone who is willing to make compromises for you, someone with confidence and who wants to be the best they can be, someone who finds happiness from making YOU happy.
Like ReginaRey said, you don’t need a list of reasons to dump someone. If you’re not head over heals in love with them, THAT in itself is reason enough.
Do yourself a favor, dump this guy and spend some time learning how to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
NolaGirl April 28, 2011, 4:01 pm
No kidding! I broke up with a so called “perfect” guy who I’d dated for years. Everyone thought I was nuts. But I did it because I wasn’t fulfilled. Even my family wasn’t entirely sure why I did it. But seeking self-fulfillment is the most important gift you can give yourself, because no one else can do it for you.
LennyBee April 28, 2011, 3:21 pm
You don’t need enough reasons to leave. You just need the desire to leave to be stronger than the desire to stay. And it sounds like you have that in spades. From your description, he doesn’t sound like your boyfriend, he sounds like your 30 year old son who lives in your basement and refuses to grow up and move out.
I feel for you LW, grad school finals are a terrible time. But you need to do what’s best for YOU. Normally, I would never advocate adding to the stress of finals with the stress of a breakup, but it sounds like it will be a relief for you.
Also, I would like to propose a new rule: if you are never your best self with someone, that person is wrong for you!
emjay April 28, 2011, 3:25 pm
“From your description, he doesn’t sound like your boyfriend, he sounds like your 30 year old son who lives in your basement and refuses to grow up and move out.”
OMG! I am laughing so hard today at some of the comments! Your description sounds like my fiances’ mooching older brother! 🙂
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 3:26 pm
Red thumb only because I disagree with your last sentence. It is never anybody’s job but your own to make you your best self. Not your partner, not your parents, not anyone other than you.
emjay April 28, 2011, 3:31 pm
Spaceboy I agree with you.
MissDre April 28, 2011, 3:31 pm
I think what LennyBee meant is that you should already be your best self, and if the person you are with drags you down, they aren’t right for you. Not that the other person should turn you into your best self…
ReginaRey April 28, 2011, 3:33 pm
I interpreted that more as “If you aren’t NATURALLY your best self around someone, then they aren’t right for you.” And I agree…if someone drags you down or makes you LESS than you know you’re capable of being, then they certainly aren’t right for you.
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 3:45 pm
Of course it’s your job to be your best self but there are some people who just really bring out the best in you.
BTW: “Me” is a much better person than “TheOtherMe” but that’s another story
LennyBee April 28, 2011, 3:54 pm
Sorry, let me clarify. I didn’t mean that it’s not completely your responsibility to be your best self. I just meant if you start feeling like whenever you’re with a certain person, they’re dragging you down and making it harder to be the person you want to be, that’s a sign.
Maracuya April 28, 2011, 3:22 pm
If, when you boyfriend mentions a dream about marriage, you experience dread, fear and a sharp feeling of shame knowing you then would have to introduce him to your father…Yes, you should probably dump him.
He will get pissed off, and he will accuse you of considering him a loser but–he’s taking advantage of you. I would have no problem saying he’s not a loser if he was a line cook that someday wanted to become head cook and offer to pay his share of the bills. Say it’s so unfortunate, but you can’t continue renting there anymore since it’s so expensive and you’re shouldering the costs all by yourself. Then dump him and move in with your parents. Voila. You’ve saved money and he has a perfect reason not to follow you.
CollegeCat April 28, 2011, 3:28 pm
You are better than this. You deserve better than this. You can do better than this.
emjay April 28, 2011, 3:32 pm
Short, sweet, and to the point! I like it 🙂
silver_dragon_girl April 28, 2011, 3:36 pm
Dump his ass, today. This guy is a loser. He will probably always be a loser. Dumping him BECAUSE he’s a loser might be the biggest favor anyone will ever do this guy, because maybe he’ll wake up and smell the underachievement! He is mooching off of you BIG TIME, and he isn’t offering you ANYTHING in return! Not even support!
I say this with love, as someone who has dated a LOT of losers in the past, and is currently arguing with her bf, so please forgive the harshness.
caitie_didn't April 28, 2011, 6:04 pm
“wake up and smell the underachievement!”
kali April 29, 2011, 3:33 pm
“wake up and smell the underachievement!”
Smells like cannibis.
fast eddie April 29, 2011, 10:48 am
This guy may not be a “loser” but he’s most certainly a leach. Cut him loose and open yourself to a much better and healthier relationship.
cmarie April 28, 2011, 3:37 pm
Umm…if the only good quality about your boyfriend is that he doesn’t hit you, why are you still with him? Your huge letter outlining the ways your boyfriend makes you unhappy and the ways the pretty much make him look like a loser and the only thing you can say in his defense is that he doesn’t hit, while a very good quality to have, is reason enough to dump him. Read what you wrote and kick him to the curb. I don’t know him so I can’t say for sure but judging by what you wrote his taking you for a ride, in YOUR car, on YOUR insurance, with YOUR gas, and eating YOUR food that you bought with YOUR money…catch my drift. He could be a great guy but he is not contributing much to this relationship, or home, and I think you and I and everyone else here knows it’s time for you to move on.
Good luck on your exams! Congratulations in advance.
Turtledove April 28, 2011, 3:42 pm
Can we somehow announce to the world that “It’s Monday and I don’t like you anymore.” is all the justification you need to break up with somebody?
Painted_lady April 28, 2011, 8:17 pm
If I weren’t so crazy about painted_dude, I would wish I could use this line someday. It’s fucking great.
Sarah April 28, 2011, 3:45 pm
I have a friend who sounds exactly like LW. She is living with her unemployed boyfriend while she pays the rent and finishes her degree in Psychology. Sometimes, she would tell me, he’ll spring for half of the groceries. Her mother hates him and he often spends his time getting drunk or high, and she is incredibly anti-pot. She’ll tell me the latest story on how disappointing of a boyfriend he is and that he really ins’t marriage material. Yet, she doesn’t look at or contemplate the obvious answer of dumping him seriously. WHY?
For my friend, it took me awhile to discover that as uh…pronounced of a self-esteem she seems to have (she also mentions the awesomeness of her a lot) she was really just always desperate for positive attention. How else better to get it than to be living with the Goofus to your Gallant? Who knows if that is the case here, but LW’s tone is so similar to my friend I honestly had to read through it and check. Find someone on your level, LW. If you purposely don’t, it sends a message that you would prefer to be the star in the relationship.
Anne (I Go To 11) April 28, 2011, 4:06 pm
Thumbs-up just for the Highlights reference alone! 🙂
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 4:18 pm
Goofus stumbles in the door weeded out of his skull at 3AM.
Gallant goes to bed at 10PM to be rested and prepared for the challenge of the next day.
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 4:25 pm
Spaceboy, it’s harder to stalk you without an avatar, can you please chose something, anything ?
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 4:27 pm
I can’t get a picture to load because Gravatar evidentally hates me. Every time I try to load something, I just get a supermagnfied blob.
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 4:34 pm
Try harder ! Gravatar originally wouldn’t let me create a profile because they told me that there was already another “TheOtherMe” but I still got around it 🙂
Could there really be another TheOtherme ?
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 4:48 pm
Let’s see if this works…
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 4:50 pm
Still nothing 🙁
Maracuya April 28, 2011, 5:38 pm
Mine took a while to fix, too! It said that my username was taken, so I made another one up and then put the name I wanted in the comment box here and it worked. Mystery.
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 5:56 pm
@Maracuya: Same here.
( I do feel bad that all this conversation is unrelated to LW’s letter, maybe we need an open thread per day for unrelated nonsense ? )
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 28, 2011, 8:09 pm
Such a good idea!
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 6:22 pm
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 6:24 pm
PFG-SCR April 28, 2011, 6:41 pm
It worked, spaceboy! If you’re not seeing it, clear your browser’s cache.
BeccaAnne April 28, 2011, 9:06 pm
spaceboy761 April 28, 2011, 9:50 pm
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 9:47 pm
YES ! you are now stalk-a-ble !!!!!!!
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 9:56 pm
Now just be one of the guest columnists and T.O.M will feel ok 🙂
TheOtherMe April 28, 2011, 3:47 pm
Leave ! you do not have to write such a long list of reasons, you had us at “That said, I think that this is not the guy for me.”
– I also wonder what attracted you to him in the first place, sorry.
TheGirl April 28, 2011, 3:48 pm
I fail to see why people need to write letters to Wendy when its totally obvious that they already know what they want to do. If you want to dump him, DUMP HIM. Stop wasting your time and his just because you don’t want to hurt his feelings.
MissDre April 28, 2011, 3:52 pm
Cuz people tend to second-guess themselves a lot. I know I do… I have a horrible habit of not listening to my own intuition. It helps to get reassurance.
honeybeenicki April 28, 2011, 4:27 pm
With this one, I get the idea that LW is wondering if she is overanalyzing or freaking out in part because of her finals but in reality I think we can all see that even without finals, dude’s gotta go.
Diana April 28, 2011, 3:50 pm
sadly i’ve been there. with a guy who is not the right guy, but also not a total ass-wipe that it was crystal clear to me that he needed to go. he was sweet, funny, never hit me etc, but there was just something that wasn’t there, and it needed to be. i loved him dearly, but i wasn’t the best version of myself when i was around him and that should have been a CLEAR sign that things needed to end. (you said so yourself that you’re awesome when you’re not with him. why the hell would you not want to be your awesome self?!) TRUST me when i say this… you will feel so much better when you get rid of him!!!!!! i used to come home from work anxious and tense because i knew he’d be there. hindsight and all that, but do yourself a favor and get out now.
NolaGirl April 28, 2011, 3:56 pm
I think I can summarize this letter in two sentence:
I really don’t like much of anything about my boyfriend, but at least I have one that breathes, walks upright and doesn’t hit me. Should I stay or should I go?
From-Answered her own Question.
KBobK April 28, 2011, 3:58 pm
He’s definitely winning. Don’t leave him… Kick his ass out! Think of it as your turn to take out the trash.
LolaBeans April 28, 2011, 3:59 pm
There seems to be zero loss to you if you get rid of this guy; you pay your own rent, your own bills (for the both of you), you have great friends and family. they all don’t like him… i mean.. what will you lose if you get rid of him?
you just said you’re a better person when you aren’t with him. you’re going to be a lawyer for god’s sake. use your good judgement and dump him. just dump him.. honestly.. you wrote a very long letter of all negative things.
and the only positive thing you said was that he cooks well. he doesnt make you laugh or feel loved, apparently.
he just doesn’t make you happy.
LTC039 April 28, 2011, 4:00 pm
Why the HELL are you still with him?
Your letter was pretty much a “pros” & “cons” list with 100 cons & 1 pro…Clearly you guys are in different stages of your life right now. If he is drinking & smoking everynight, mooching off of you, & demanding you to follow only certain times to see your friends, then what is there to think about?!
I would understand if it was only ONE thing you listed… But all those things together just sum up to a big loser!
From your letter I can tell you, MOA asap! Do not stay with him another minute. Move on to someone that better suites what you want in life. This is not the guy for you.
NolaGirl April 28, 2011, 4:04 pm
this actually makes me wonder if maybe she’s dating one of my relatives? (i kid, i kid!)
LTC039 April 28, 2011, 4:09 pm
My bf smokes…but he has a job, pays his own rent, car, insurance, etc…As long as he keeps his shit together, it’s fine with me. This guy is just a total d-bag…
Belinda April 28, 2011, 4:10 pm
I really, really sympathize with your finals freak-out. I’ve been practicing law for 20 years and still remember those finals freak-outs. Wait until the bar exam … the mother of all freak-outs … but, well, never mind. Do what Wendy said. Get rid of the loser already. Yes, he is a loser. I get that law school has taught you to see both sides of everything (it’s what will make you a really terrific lawyer), but in this one instance, you MUST abandon the way law school has taught you to think, and deal with this situation based on the way you FEEL. That’s why it seems such a no-brainer to everyone else, but I know you’re seeing what you believe are this guy’s redeeming qualities, and you’re trying to intellectualize (i.e. justify — again, it’s what lawyers do) what your emotions are telling you that you MUST do. You don’t need justification. You just need to feel better, and once you do, you’ll be a great lawyer and even though the job market is tough these days, you’ll find the job that will make you glad you endured law school … and finals … and the Bar exam … best of luck to you!
honeybeenicki April 28, 2011, 4:26 pm
My friend just passed her bar last year and had all kinds of freak outs beforehad, but I think LW is finally seeing what she needs to (maybe because of finals?). Fortunately for me, when I go to law school — providing I get into one of the two I want — I won’t have to pass the bar unless they change the law. In WI, if you attend one of the WI law schools (UW Madison or Marquette), you get an “autopass” to practice law in WI.
HmC April 28, 2011, 4:41 pm
I’ve heard about that. Amazing! Good luck with the application process. It’s pretty harrowing itself.
Sarah Brown April 28, 2011, 4:13 pm
This is obviously not the man for you. And given all the importance you seem to put on degrees, GPAs, and achievements, I’m not sure how you ever ended up together in the first place.
SGMcG April 28, 2011, 4:19 pm
LW, you don’t need to have enough reason to dump someone – you just need to have a strong enough desire to. I wonder LW, what’s preventing you from dumping him in the first place, when you’re so obviously not happy with this guy? Is the fear of ending up alone that frightening to you? Believe me LW, there are far worst things in the world than ending up a life-long bachelorette (I really detest the “old maid” moniker) and you’re currently living in one of those situations right now.
Your highly descriptive letter suggests that he should have been dumped yesterday…so dump him now.
anna728 April 28, 2011, 4:31 pm
Her impending graduation makes for an easy exit, I would think. It’s easy to break up with someone and make it less personal when there is a big event like that going on. She may even be moving.
mf April 28, 2011, 4:32 pm
1. This guy is a freeloader. He never pays for anything and never helps around the house? NOT acceptable.
2. Since you are working through law school, I’m guessing you are ambitious, smart, hard-working, and that you value education. It doesn’t sound like your BF shares any of these values/traits.
There’s nothing wrong with dating a pothead line cook, if you yourself are a pothead line cook or you are attracted to pothead line cooks. MOA and find yourself a smart guy who values education and will contribute to your household.
airivera April 28, 2011, 4:33 pm
I often read this blog, but I never comment. I have no additional, worthwhile advice to give, however, I have a complaint.
“I can’t stand his friends, who, while I am sure they are decent people, do things like smoke pot around their children, get people pregnant and do not have cars or health insurance.”
Smoking around children whether it is weed or tobacco is an immoral and stupid thing to do. Getting people pregnant because you’re too stupid to use contraception is an immoral and stupid thing to do as well. But not having a car or health insurance is neither immoral or stupid. Health insurance is expensive and lots of people don’t have jobs that offer it or have the money to afford the coverage. Cars are expensive as well and I don’t see view people without a car as beneath me in any way.
I commiserate with your situation LW, but that just really struck a nerve.
SpyGlassez April 29, 2011, 1:18 am
RE: Health insurance – I said the same thing below. When I worked retail, my job offered it. Now I’m an adjunct, and I don’t have it. That can be situational; it has nothing to do with status – which is to what it sounded like she was equating it.
Kate April 29, 2011, 3:42 pm
Maybe she meant they have a car without insurance, which in many states is a felony.
Skyblossom April 28, 2011, 4:56 pm
The easiest way to do this may be to tell him you need to break up because you have to move back home, you don’t want to do a long distance relationship and you don’t know where you’ll end up. Then move. I’ve got a feeling that it wouldn’t be easy to kick him out because he just wouldn’t move out because he’s got a good thing going and he wouldn’t want to start spending his own money on things like rent. If you stay where you are you would probably have to literally, physically, shove him and his belongings out the door and then step over him and them when you wanted to go out. Going home would give you a fresh start and a solid base from which to do a job search. If you may have to move home anyway you will want to use that location as your contact information for a job just so that you don’t miss out by sending your current address and then moving. Tell him you’re leaving and then leave. Don’t give him your contact information. Don’t text with him, don’t skype, don’t call and don’t have him as a friend on Facebook. If he’ll freak out too much when you tell him you’re breaking up have friends ready to move you out of your place as soon as you tell him so that you can leave immediately. Do tell him what date the lease is up so that he knows the day he must be out but I wouldn’t pay any extra rent for him. Pay the amount you need to pay to stay until you’re done and no more.
Fairhaired Child April 29, 2011, 12:42 am
The only problem is that the lease is only in her name. Or at least thats what I got from her last paragraph. So even if there is only two months left on the lease – and she moves out – if she cant get him to get on the lease and her get off then he could ruin her credit if he decides to say “fuck it” and not pay the lease but live there till he gets kicked out by the landlord.
Otherwise I agree with everything. Its just harder if she’s not close to the end of her lease – amd then has a terrible time trying to get him to take it over. Plus some rental places (at least here) require a paycheck stub and back ground check to even see if someone could afford to lease there. And if he doesnt make much money they may not even let him take the lease over – and she’d have to break the contract.
ape escape April 28, 2011, 4:56 pm
Good god. Law student huh? Not to be rude, LW, but it sounds like you’ve got book smarts out the wazoo but an abhorrent lack of common sense. This letter is so ridiculous I’ve got half a mind to think it’s completely made up.
Half a mind. Get it? Like the loser boyfriend. HEH!
But seriously. WTF? He gets upset and says “you’re just like all the others, you think I’m a loser” and it hasn’t occurred to him that that might be due to the fact that HE IS A GIANT LOSER? Yep. Answer seems pretty clear to me. You are not his mother. Also, like others have said, when the best reason you can think of for staying with someone is that he is an okay cook and has never beat you…oof.
Elle April 28, 2011, 4:43 pm
Honey, he doesn’t deserve you. He knows it – or he wouldn’t get so defensive about being called a loser. And you know it – your letter to Wendy is quite eloquent.
The hard truth in life is that we all need to pull our own weight. You are. He isn’t. In time, your resentment towards him will only get bigger, unless he gets his act together. He hasn’t changed in the past two years, it’s unlikely he will any time soon.
You’re not there yet, but life is so much easier with a partner who’s pulling his own weight. You’ll see.
And one thing bothered me (it comes from experience) – he’s not paying for cable, but he insisted on getting HD? Since when can someone else tell you what to do with your own money?
Maracuya April 28, 2011, 5:45 pm
Yeah, I have a story similar to that. I shared a house with 4 roommates. One of them really wanted AT&T U-Verse so he could TiVo all his shows, but the rest of us knew we wouldn’t watch that much cable. But he insisted.
Then he paid the whole bill himself since he was the only one that used it. Oops, I guess the ending to the story was a little different…
the1little1one April 28, 2011, 5:44 pm
My jaw was on the floor a few sentences into this letter and already I wanted to stop and scream, “WHY! WHY! WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!?” Girlfriend, listen to yourself. You are so much better than this. Enough is enough. It’s time to get outta there. YOU CAN DO IT. And remember — We’re all pulling for you.
Addie Pray April 28, 2011, 6:02 pm
Haha, this LW is funny. That’s all I wanted to say. But from personal experience, don’t break up with people during finals. You’re never thinking clearly then, and you won’t have time to deal with the emotional drama that will ensue. Wait until a few days after your finals (and when you are no longer drunk from post-final binge drinking). Ok, now that’s all I wanted to say.
Kat April 28, 2011, 6:14 pm
Just because hitting someone is a red flag doesn’t make not hitting them a green one. It’s like what Yoda said, already know that which you need. Well you do. So time to follow through and move on.
Meems April 28, 2011, 6:14 pm
It’s the sex. Gotta be.
I mean, I believe there’s a codependency thing going on. She needs him to make her feel needed (physically, emotionally, financially.) She mentioned she has a screwed up family. He’s the opposite of who her parents want her to date. Lots of stuff going on here, so it’s obvious to us (and her) she needs to MOA but some major issues are holding her back. Fear of being alone makes people stay in these crappy situations all the time. Anyway, MOA, LW. This difficult moment will become a thing of the past very quickly.
Sistine April 28, 2011, 6:18 pm
Is this letter for real? The only good thing about him is that he doesn’t hit her? I guess I can’t blame her. I had a boyfriend like this when I was 19 but I only lived with him for 3 months before I couldn’t take it anymore and left him.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, LW we ALL think you should dump your boyfriend and kick him out. Please Move On for your own sanity.
RJKUSER April 28, 2011, 6:18 pm
It’s amazing what people will put up with so that they don’t have to be ‘alone’.
If people can truly figure out how to be happy and fulfilled when they’re not in a relationship, they would never even consider allowing a guy like this into their lives for even a second!
Heather April 28, 2011, 6:34 pm
I just…I mean…really?!
sarolabelle April 28, 2011, 6:48 pm
if he was someone:
1. with a white collar job
2. didn’t smoke or drink or do pot
3. came home at a reasonable time
4. who you felt proud to introduce to your father
5. your friend’s like
6. did the dishes
7. did his and your laundry
8. contributed to the bills
…then all would be perfect right? Well that isn’t him. You might could work on a few things like 6-8 but the rest isn’t going to change for a long while. Do you think he would he be happy if he were different? Probably not. He likes his little line cook job and living his life the way he does and you are over there miserable. Don’t be miserable…
SpaceySteph April 28, 2011, 10:56 pm
There’s no shame in wanting those things in a man, LW. I would never date a guy who smoked pot, for reasons that are my own.
There’s also nothing wrong with being a line cook without a college degree (the not paying his own way thing might be, but maybe once you kick his ass to the curb he’ll start paying for his own shit rather than live in a cardboard box).. except that its not what you want.
Its ok to find you are not compatible with someone. Its not ok to live in misery so your loser boyfriend doesn’t find out you think he’s a loser. Get rid of him!
Anna April 28, 2011, 7:54 pm
While I agree that she is clearly unhappy and should leave him, and I also agree that being lazy and not contributing to bills/housework is unacceptable…I feel that the LW came off kinda snobby or holier-than-thou in the letter. I also value education and career progression but a guy’s resume is not the most important thing. And what is with the hating on pot?! Getting wasted on alcohol is ok but smoking is not? SMH. And MOA because you are clearly unhappy!
Desiree April 29, 2011, 12:47 am
A number of people are anti-pot for different reasons. Some people are against it because of the legal issue. Others may have a more personal problem with it (I just really hate the smell…). But, I agree with you, I don’t see why someone who likes getting wasted would be so negative about pot. I find people smoking pot to be nicer than drunken individuals. Regarding her overall attitude, I could understand where you are coming from if her boyfriend had a higher sense of duty. I don’t judge him for being a line cook; I judge him for bringing home a pay check and then not contributing to expenses. The job does not make the man; but the self-respect and personal responsibility sure as hell do. I would rather marry a responsible, considerate janitor than a self-serving Ph.D. Her boyfriend doesn’t really have any redeeming qualities, superficial or deep, though.
Maracuya April 29, 2011, 7:59 am
He’s spending whatever money he makes on his alcohol and drug habit, not to pay the bills. That alone would be enough for me to dump him.
AnitaBath April 28, 2011, 8:02 pm
LW, if you’re the type of person whose mind is at ease with making a decision, even if you haven’t carried it out yet, I’d wait to break up with him until after the exams (it sounds like they’re in about a week?) That way you’ll feel better knowing you’ve decided to end things, but you won’t have the stress of ending a relationship and trying to deal with moving him out when you should be preparing.
If, however, you’re the type of person whose not satisfied until you’ve followed through with that decision, and you think that would make you more of a wreck than dealing with a breakup during exams, I’d break up with him immediately. Give him a date he has to be out by, tell him that after this talk you will NOT discuss this with him until your exams are over, and he is to leave you alone.
So, I guess you really just have to weigh which decision is best for you (since at this point it’s kind of a given you should break up with him), and decide based upon both of your personalities which one would work best in your current situation. I actually think moving home for a little bit would be a good idea. You’d get away from the loser, you’d be around family, you wouldn’t have to worry about him not leaving or trying to move back in because you won’t even live there at that point. A clean break and a fresh start, no?
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 28, 2011, 8:04 pm
Dude, it was enough to leave before I even read your letter. MOA/DTMFA, I don’t care, just go.
SpyGlassez April 28, 2011, 8:17 pm
There is no one thing “wrong” with this guy, if the relationship made you happy and fulfilled. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being a line cook, or the fact that he did not go to college, or that some of his friends don’t own cars, or that you don’t think your dad would approve – any one of these things, or even a combination of these things, could be overlooked if what he gave you was more than what he took from this relationship. My boyfriend is unemployed and, at 28, is finally getting his associates degree from community college. He doesn’t cook, and most of the time I have to do the laundry. But he makes me laugh, he keeps me happy, he pays his part of rent out of his grant money, he takes out the trash and rubs my feet. I am a better person because of loving him, and I like who I am since he has come into my life. I was not miserable before – I was quite happy – but I am happier now. That, however, is not the case for you. Your boyfriend doesn’t do any of the things that show he’s a committed boyfriend and not a freeloading mooch. I don’t know that I’d go as far as some people above have said and call him a loser – certainly not everyone is cut out for the same life – but he is not where you are, and staying together will make both of you miserable.
SpyGlassez April 28, 2011, 8:19 pm
And FWIW, I don’t have health insurance either – they don’t offer it to adjuncts. I could buy it, but I’d rather pay off the loan on my car.
Painted_lady April 28, 2011, 8:42 pm
Storytime again (and yes, I realize this is the way I comment like 99% of the time – keep scrolling if it gets old!). My best friend in the world lives with a mildly lushy pothead who works a blue-collar job that makes him enough money he can pay maybe a quarter of their bills. He loves what he does, and yet sometimes he needs a kick in the arse from my friend to get moving. He tried the “I bet you think I’m a loser” line with her once when she was trying to get him in gear again, and she told him yes, at that moment she did because he was sort of BEING a loser. He stopped using that line because it was his attempt at manipulating her into giving him a pass, and it really, really didn’t work.
Living with him – although I adore him (same guy, if you read my other posts, who knows my drink order and we joke about having a fling if my friend ever goes to Paris) – would make me insane. He’s not as bad as your bf, LW, but he has loserish tendencies that I – type A, overachieving control freak – couldn’t abide. My best friend loves him, and she’s okay having to mommy him a bit and carry the financial weight, not because she has low self-esteem but because her priorities in a life partner are completely different than my own. It works for them.
This is not working for you, LW. There is nothing wrong with someone who wants to be this guys’ mommy, but it isn’t you. Just because he’s not a totally awful guy and there are things you do like about him, does not mean you have to stay with him. It just means there was a reason you fell for him but there are reasons you can’t stay with him.
You don’t love him anymore. I’m not sure you even like him. You sure as hell don’t respect him. That is reason enough. Get out.
Lulu April 28, 2011, 8:49 pm
If you do not feel proud to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to your parents you have to move on. You should always feel proud to introduce this person, even if you know your parents might not approve completely, it wouldn’t matter if you were proud of or had deep feelings for your partner. You would want them to know that this person is in your life.
Anna April 30, 2011, 4:56 pm
I wouldn’t say that. If my parents actually knew my bf, they wouldn’t like him very much because we are not religious. I say we because I decided by myself a long time ago that I didn’t agree with their strict Baptist doctrine and wasn’t going along with religion anymore. Therefore, the only guys they would actually “like” would be religious nutjobs just like them. I would never date a guy they would approve of, who wouldn’t have sex with me until after the wedding and would have a fit if I cracked a beer with my burger or slept in on Sunday morning. It’s much more important that your man make YOU happy than your parents.
Jenja April 28, 2011, 9:25 pm
To save people a lot of time and trouble, here is one completely legit reason to end a relationship and the only reason you ever really need:
You want to end the relationship.
Anything else is irrelevant. If you don’t want to be with someone anymore, if you’re not really happy with the relationship, if you really want to break up, then you have all the reason in the world and don’t even NEED another one. That’s all, folks! 🙂
Eden April 28, 2011, 9:48 pm
It’s kind of interesting to see everyone call this dude a loser. For the sake of accuracy he’s not a loser but an economic parasite. Other wise this guy is obviously in a different stage of his life. Think of it this way; you reached your >3.0 GPA pretty quick in life, but he’s still struggling with his current 1.0 GPA. When you think about it, the dude’s just getting by, and it trying to figure himself out. Needless to say it doesn’t justify him taking advantage of you in terms of the apartment. Accept that you need a guy who can match your >3.0 needs, and move on.
Portia April 29, 2011, 1:05 am
Just a quick note from a fellow law school student – you should be really careful about having someone around the house who uses drugs. It doesn’t take much to be denied entrance to the bar for failure to satisfy the character and fitness requirements, DUI’s, possession, etc. – you do not want to be tied to that should he have legal troubles. Ignoring all the other problems (which on their own I think justify dumping him), think of all the hard work you put in those 3 years which no one who hasn’t suffered through it will get – is he worth it?
Christina April 29, 2011, 2:17 am
I think I dated one of that guy’s friends. I was working 55 hrs/wk and moving up the corporate ladder and my boss told me that I needed to get a life away from work. So I went out with friends to a bar to see a band and met this guy. He was interesting and laid-back and crazy about me. He was a house painter and one of the only ones in his group of friends and co-workers who had a car or license. We both had drinks when we went out so it didn’t seem a big deal that he smoked pot most nights. We dated awhile and ended up living together somehow. He brought some clothes over and the next weekend just a single cardboard box with some mementos in it. I enjoyed how he was so different from me and didn’t get shook up or stressed out. We had almost a year where it was a pretty good relationship. Eventually he started telling me to quit being so uptight about everything. He never had a bank account, he broke or ruined things and never replaced them, only worked when he felt like it. Then he tried to guilt me into making him a fake Proof of Insurance for his car instead of paying for insurance. He had good qualities and was loving and fun to be around but our value systems were too different for it to last. We never even had a first fight but we both saw it was at the end.
LW, it’s enough that it was good but it isn’t working anymore. I still feel a little sentimental about that ex but he moved back to a buddy’s couch with his cardboard box of stuff and was dating the next girl within a few weeks. Your guy will be fine and land on his feet as soon as he has to. I think your instincts are leading you in the right direction. Make the decision to end it and live with that in your head until finals are over. By then you will have had time to think all the way through the decision and know if it is right and you’ll be ready to bring it up to him.
Jessica April 29, 2011, 3:16 am
To me, it seems like the only reason that you’ve stayed with him is because you guys get along well, and because you think you love him. Listen…that’s not nearly enough reason to consider staying with him, and it seems to be the only thing that’s holding you back from leaving his sorry ass.
Anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated, is not worth it. He doesn’t do ANYTHING for you, and you KNOW he’s not worth it, so why even debate the subject? He’s a mooch, and he’s using your feelings against you to get what he wants.
Akmilly April 29, 2011, 5:30 am
I thought this letter was a late April fools joke
banana_hammock April 29, 2011, 10:41 am
The LW and her BF sound perfect for each other. I feel bad he has to put up with her holier than thou attitude. Maybe she should smoke a little pot and her overall twatiness would go away. I just have no sympathy for someone who asks such a blatantly obvious question.
Fairhaired Child April 30, 2011, 5:10 am
I disagree only because it seems like she probably has self esteem issues and always over guesses herself. She’s critical on herself (maybe because her parents were) and can therefore be over critical of the boyfriend but still need that validation of “see someone out there loves me”
On the “Because I”M AWESOME” comment she made it sometimes can be used by people who actually need to say it to try to convince themselves that. I was one of those people who had really bad body issues with myself and would always “jokingly” say “well of course he should like me because obviously I’m so awesome and adorable”… I still make comments to people about “how cute i am” etc but in a very light flirty mannor rather than “holier than thou” and people remember me for it (in a more positive way).
I actually had one friend who said she went into an interview and they asked why she should get the job, and she immediately thought of me and how I would probably say “because I’m just that amazing.” And it made her almost laugh, and calm down before giving an answer.
really for me it started out as a defense mode because i WANTED people to agree with me to make ME feel better. and now its more of a flirty haha thing instead of a need for validation
Anna April 30, 2011, 5:04 pm
Amen! This LW seems a little too high and mighty to adhere to simple reason though, so it’s probably best to move on. She can find someone with a good enough resume for her who also has a large stick up his ass and he can find someone who is more laid back and appreciates the simpler things in life, like a fat blunt rolled up and an old Led Zeppelin album.
BlueBella April 29, 2011, 11:47 am
Your boyfriend is not right for you. Dump him.
That said, it’s going to be hard. I’ve had to extract myself from a situation similar to yours before. I don’t really want to use the word “deadbeat” because like people have said before, it boils down to different life priorities.
Nevertheless, it was very hard to leave a situation in which I was supporting him both financially and emotionally. My two cents is to get a girlfriend or family member on board who can be supportive and let them know that you’re plotting escape. You’re going to need some support, especially when he lives with you.
In my experience, almost all of my gfs have had that experience in which they moved in with someone they shouldn’t have. Just one of those life lessons…like I said, it’ll be hard, but you’ll get through it. Good luck!
AKchic April 29, 2011, 2:10 pm
You do not have a boyfriend. You have an adult child. A user, a mooch, a freeloader. Need I continue?
Honey, finals make you anxious. There is no reason to feel bad about that. Add this schmuck to it and yeah, it will make anyone go crazy.
My first husband started out like that. Worked, until I got pregnant. Then, he quit. Claimed he got injured, yet there was no injury report. Tried to get worker’s comp, but there was no injury so no money. He milked that for 3 years until I had enough of his other abuses and got the courage to leave with the kids.
He drank constantly. Insisted that he hated pot and that I wasn’t “allowed” to see friends who had smoked in high school “for my own good”, then would invite friends over and let them smoke pot in the same room as him so he could get a contact high. He was in his 30s (I wasn’t, I was 18, but that’s another story all together).
Do not marry him. He didn’t ask, he just said he “had a dream”. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. This guy has a fantasy in which you are supporting him while he smokes pot all day, and marrying him will make it that much harder for you to leave. He KNOWS you are fed up with him, otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the married dream comment.
If he isn’t on the lease, good. He may get a little “crazy” when you dump him. Make sure you have boxes ready for his things, and a few guys available to be in the apartment while he packs up. Trust me, if you don’t, your things will either be stolen or smashed in revenge.
Dump him, kick him out, and keep a friend or two at your house for a few weeks until you’re sure he won’t be coming back. Do not mourn the loss of this terribly unfair relationship. A real man would not expect his female companion to shoulder all of the burdens like you are.
Good luck, and if you don’t want the cable – cancel it. Before he leaves.
Roman April 29, 2011, 2:48 pm
First, i haven’t read through the 100+ posts but I have a few thoughts:
1. Being in the midst of law-school finals myself, I can assure all of you non lawyer-types that law school finals do really weird things to people. Definitely brings things out that don’t normally show themselves.
2. That said, LW, dump him and find someone who makes you happy. It’s not even up for question. No dispute as to material fact and you are DEFINITELY entitled to judgment as a matter of law.
3. To whoever is thinking about going to law school, DON’T. It IS NOT like “Legally Blonde”…
just playing. It’s really interesting, actually. Not ALL of it, but overall, it is.
Kate April 29, 2011, 3:48 pm
Your #3 is making me laugh…one of my best friends is finishing law school in 2 weeks. She and I did our doctorates together, and one of the first things she tells people who tell her they are interested in law school is: DON’T GO. But she is serious….
bitter gay mark April 29, 2011, 4:03 pm
No. Really. The only just cause a young woman ever has to dump a guy if he beats her. And even then it must be regularly and severely…
Okay, seriously? WTF? Are letters like these evenfor real? How can anybody really feel that they must ask such a silly question? I mean, come on! The guy sounds like a huge loser. She offers up a vast laundry list of reason why any sane and rational person would dump this dork… I mean, grow up already! Moreover, she owes it not only to herself, BUT TO HIM, too! She HAS to dump him. Why? Because she is just NOT THAT INTO HIM… Let him go out and find somebody who truly digs him (which will, admittedly, be a real challenge…)
MissDre April 29, 2011, 4:18 pm
A lot of the time, people stay because they don’t believe they will ever find anything else. When I was 20, my boyfriend didn’t want anybody to know about me, especially not his parents. He never took me out with him, or around his friends. Instead he spent all his time binge drinking at clubs without me. He stood me up on valentines day, he ditched me after I spent 8 hours in the kitchen cooking curried lamb and a cheesecake for his birthday, AND I paid his cell phone bill, AND bought him a bottle of Crown Royal… he never called or texted and barely answered the phone. He wouldn’t spend the night at my place because he didn’t want his parents to ask where he was. He never took me on dates because he had no money (yet there was always money to drink).
AND at 25 years old he only worked part time, had ten grand in credit card debt, was taking 6 years just to get a 1 year diploma from community college, and yet, I only saw all the good things about him, and I loved him, and I was convinced that things would get better and we would get married.
Can you say STUPID?? Yeah I was! Why the hell did I hold on? Anybody would have told me to dumb his loser ass! And then he dumped me, and I was devastated because I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life.
People do REALLY stupid things when they don’t believe in their own worth!
MissDre April 29, 2011, 4:21 pm
LW, look at what I just wrote about my first boyfriend. If I asked you if I had enough reasons to dump him, what would you tell me??? To dump him, right? So do yourself a favour, move on and start telling yourself you are worth MORE and deserve better.
spaceboy761 April 29, 2011, 4:26 pm
Is it bad if I laughed aloud at ‘regularly and severely’? Probably.
MsMisery May 2, 2011, 10:44 am
What is this I don’t even. WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS GUY???? You wrote a novella about why you don’t like him, and the best you can come up with on why NOT to dump him is he can cook and he doesn’t beat you??????? *headdesk*