When we went to the courthouse three days before we got married, I found out he was actually married the whole time we were dating and hadn’t divorced until a few months after we met. I was pregnant basically the same day we got married. He left three weeks after we got married for a girl with four kids. Even though he lied about that, my friend saw him out in public and sent me a picture. He lied to a judge and was able to get an OP (Order of Protection) on me because she was afraid I was going to beat her up. He wanted to get married ASAP and wanted to have a baby, and now I’m stuck with the baby.
After this OP I can’t even let him know when I’m in labor to see the baby. Now I want to give the baby to a friend to adopt, and I will be able to still see the baby any time. I figured I can do this behind his back since I have no way of informing him about anything. Am I wrong to feel like this? Can I even give the baby up for adoption? I just want to get a divorce and forget I even met him. He got me fired in November, and I just now found a job but I’m still in training. I have the chance to make good money with this job, but it’s long hours and five to seven days a week. They said I would make enough money to hire a nanny, but I don’t feel that’s how a baby should live. I refuse to be a single mom again, and he has already walked out on his children from his past. What should I do? — Ready to Move on
Definitely, if you don’t want this baby and don’t feel you can love and provide and be there for for this baby in the way it deserves, you should find someone who can. You’ll have to talk to a lawyer about your rights and how to go about giving your baby up for adoption. You should also speak to an adoption counselor or agency about your options as well. There may be a better option than your friend adopting your baby, and your baby certainly deserves some time and effort on your part to research and consider those different options.
Beyond that, listen: You need to take some responsibility for your actions. You blame a lot on your estranged husband, and while he may have lied to you, you had agency in your decision-making and you made some ill-considered decisions, like marrying someone you’d known only a few months and who had lied to you that entire time about being married to someone else and about having two kids with two different women. You made the decision that not only was that, apparently, not a deal-breaker, but also you decided not to even postpone getting married. Not only did you decide not to postpone getting married, but you also decided to go ahead and get pregnant, too, since your husband wanted a baby with you “asap.” YOU made that decision (or, at the very, very least, you decided not to use birth control). Own your decisions. Take responsibility for them. You’re a grown woman — unless you are being physically assaulted, I don’t think anyone is making you do anything without your consent.
You blame your husband for getting an order of protection against you. (I admit, I don’t know much about how this works, but do judges grant OPs simply because someone asks for one, without any proven justification? That’s hard to believe). You also say your husband “got you fired” from your last job, but you don’t give any details, and so it’s hard to imagine how that works exactly — how someone who is a valued employed is fired, through no fault of her own, because her estranged husband wants her to be. And now you seem to want to take zero responsibility for the baby you’re pregnant with, or even for being pregnant in the first place – it’s all “he wanted a baby.” Well, guess what? It takes two to make a baby, you’re making one now, and, like it or not, you have the bare minimum responsibility — at least morally, if not legally and logistically — of ensuring that that baby has a loving and caring home to grow up in. So, get to it! Talk with a lawyer and talk with an adoption counselor; find out what your options are and then take time to consider them – at least more carefully than you considered this marriage. It is not too late to move on – it’s not too late to divorce this man and pretend your marriage never happened. But before you pretend this baby didn’t happen, you owe it the effort of finding someone who will be overjoyed that it did.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.