Over the weekend Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg married his college sweetheart, Priscilla Chan, but if he isn’t careful, his relationship could be hurt the same way countless other marriages have been “wrecked” by Facebook. Experts, including divorce attorneys, say the social media website contributes to an increasing number of broken marriages.
According to a U.K. survey by Divorce Online, a legal services firm, more than a third of divorce filings last year contained the word ‘Facebook.’ Here in the U.S., over 80% of divorce attorneys say they’ve seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Gary Traystman, a divorce attorney in New London, Conn. says “of the 15 cases he handles per year where computer history, texts and emails are admitted as evidence, 60% exclusively involve Facebook.”
K. Jason Krafsky, who authored the book Facebook and Your Marriage with his wife, Kelli, explains that affairs and flirtations that make take months or years to develop offline can happen “in just a few clicks” on Facebook where people are more emboldened behind the safety of a computer screen and often feel like they have more privacy than they really do. And if/when these couples end up in divorce court, their Facebook history — anything from wall posts, photos, and location check-ins — can be used to determine alimony and child custody.
Even for couples who aren’t married, Facebook can help create tension, jealousy, and anxiety. A quick search through the DW archives will prove that. I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve received from people who wonder if a wall post left by some random girl on their boyfriend’s page “means something,” or why someone’s girlfriend still has photos of her ex posted. Just deciding when and how to change your relationship status can be a exercise in humility and lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Has Facebook ever negatively impacted your relationships? If so, how?
[via Smart Money]
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rangerchic May 23, 2012, 3:11 pm
I don’t have a Facebook page. I refuse. My friends keep saying how great it is…but I’m on the computer all day at work and don’t want to be on it when I get home. I would rather family time when I get home…or read a book. My daughters, 12 and almost 17, have asked for one and I don’t let them either. They have enough to keep up with besides adding social pressures of Facebook. When they are 18 they can decide for themselves…I’ve talked about proper etiquette and stuff with them so if they decide they know to be careful of what they say.
I think it is sad that FB ruins relationships. But I also think maybe the relationship wasn’t going all that great if they let FB relationships get in the way. I’ve head a lot of stories of people not getting jobs or getting fired for things they post on FB. I think people forget that FB is not all that private and say things they wouldn’t in person which is a shame. People should put their filters back on – especially on FB (other other sites like it)!!
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 3:18 pm
Wow, not allowed at 17. You’re one strict Mama!
rangerchic May 23, 2012, 3:47 pm
Well, not really. She gets plenty of other “allowances” so to speak. Plus, she has had a really hard time this year with depression, anxiety, school, etc. She missed nearly more days of school this semester then she attended. She is lucky to move on to be a senior next year. Another computer distraction would have been just too much.
Plus, I’m a firm believer that kids more outdoor time these days!
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 3:53 pm
Sounds like you know what you’re doing. Congrats on getting her to senior year!
SweetPeaG May 24, 2012, 8:46 am
I might ask you to give me some how to be a Mom lessons someday. You sound pretty great at it 🙂
honeybeenicki May 23, 2012, 4:33 pm
My 14 year old stepdaughter has wanted a facebook account, but it was decided that she is not mature enough yet. We (all 4 parents) will decide and it might be before she’s 18 or it might not.
katie May 23, 2012, 4:59 pm
i think its so odd to hear parents telling their kids they “cant” have a facebook.. not you, personally, or anything, just in general.
when i wanted to get a myspace (and later, facebook), i just got one. like, the concept of getting permission for something so trivial to me just seems really odd.
Jiggs May 23, 2012, 5:59 pm
Yeah, when I read things like that I always assume that more often that not the kid has a secret Facebook. How could you ever enforce that? I had every account I felt like at that age, even the ones my parents told me not to do. (Can’t remember what that would be now, chat rooms maybe.)
katie May 23, 2012, 6:22 pm
i gotta agree. from my experience in how my friends acted towards parental rules like that, all you do is want them make it more (whether it be a tattoo, facebook, a boyfriend, whatever) and then they just do everything behind the parents back in a much more dangerous way.
i had a friend who’s father would have flipped out if she did anything- he was deeply religious… and she got a basement tattoo from some guy when she was 15. as a parent, i would so much rather let my daughter just have the tattoo and make the mistake and not get, say, HIV, then that…
and then, there was my mom, who allowed my younger sister to have a boyfriend who was older then i was (im four years older then her!!). a lot of people didnt understand why my mom would do that, but it was genius: because my sister didnt have to sneak around with the guy (which most teenagers would have, lets me honest) she got to really monitor them and their relationship… he was allowed over whenever he wanted. it was really genius.
CJ May 23, 2012, 5:40 pm
My sister is 16 and isn’t allowed to have one either. Of course she has a Twitter & a Tumblr. But her Twitter is at least set to private settings. And I can read everything because I’m the cool big sister. (And at 26, she’s more likely to talk to me than my parents about anything.)
L May 23, 2012, 3:13 pm
I’ve mentioned this on here before — as early as a couple days ago in fact. My boyfriend has a friend who confessed her feelings for him a while back while we were dating. She knew about me and she knew it was a serious relationship. She started posting these random “I miss you” and “Come home sooooon” or “I need to talk to you — I have some major boy drama” posts on his Facebook page. I can’t help but think that there is more there than just a friend missing a friend. I told my boyfriend about my inkling and he said that it was nothing. It ended up causing a couple pretty big fights between us until we finally agreed to just let it go. She still posts occasionally and it still drives me crazy, but I know that it means nothing to my boyfriend and that’s what matters.
steeze May 23, 2012, 3:22 pm
i get why you would get annoyed. i would too! i think its a matter of respect. if this was in person and some girl was telling my bf how she misses him constantly and kept calling him, that would annoy me too. everyone can see everything on fb! people can make assumptions that youre bf is being shady. no need for that. whenever some guy is overly friendly on my wall i just delete their comments. they get the picture pretty quick.
Fabelle May 23, 2012, 4:14 pm
That’s so inappropriate, ugh. I think at this age (early to mid-twenties & up) nobody needs to be posting that sort of thing. My friends & I don’t even post personal stuff like that (“miss you!!!”) on each others walls– usually just links and stuff. I’d be annoyed too 🙁
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 4:18 pm
If you’re close enough that you are actually friends, don’t these people have each other phone numbers? I’d be more, happy?, touched?, if someone actually texted me I miss you, rather than put it on FB. If they actually missed me, that’s what my friends would do. If they wanted other people to know they “missed” me, they’d post it on FB. Its so obvious when people do this, don’t they see how desperate they look?
caitie_didn't May 23, 2012, 5:30 pm
Yeah, my ex-boyfriend’s previous girlfriend was ALL up in his facebook business when she found out he was dating someone new. They’d broken up about 5 months before we got together and she hadn’t really talked to him until she realized there was someone else in his life, so the timing was suspect, but her posts were never more than friendly. He never responded and she got the message, but once we broke up she was all over him again.
I feel like it just reeks of desperation, so I have a pretty easy time ignoring it but it helps if your boyfriend makes it clear that he’s having none of it as well.
Kristen May 23, 2012, 9:28 pm
Just commenting to say that would really freak me out too. She doesn’t need to be doing that, especially when she knows you’re together. It’s just disrespectful.
Caris May 25, 2012, 11:13 am
He could just make it so she cant post on his wall? Or maybe even block her since she’s totally crossing lines.
JK May 23, 2012, 3:14 pm
I´m so glad my husband isn´t on FB. Between his history and my jealousy I think it would trigger quite a few arguments.
Amongst my acquaintances there have been a couple of infidelities triggered by FB (always after some kind of school reunion), a friend´s sister got dumped by her husband for an ex classmate that he got back in touch with via FB.
kerrycontrary May 23, 2012, 3:14 pm
It hasn’t “wrecked” a relationship but I know when I was in college I would get mad when flirtatious pictures of my ex-BF and other girls showed up on his wall (which was his own fault!). And a girl who used to hook up with (but not actually date) my boyfriend contacted me to say that she used to sleep with him, while he and I weren’t dating, in an attempt to wreck our relationship because he never wanted to date her. OK…cool? Blocked that biatch in 2 seconds.
kerrycontrary May 23, 2012, 3:17 pm
Oh and my cousin’s wife left him for her high-school boyfriend that she reconnected with through facebook. Left 3 kids, a husband, huge house, and a secure life to go live with an unemployed loser in a townhouse living off of alimony payments. Can’t wait until her alimony runs out in 10 years and she’s unemployed and unable to live off of my cousin (who tries to get full custody of the kids).
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 3:25 pm
I’m sure you all will have some stories on this one, so I will share too.
I had a friend (you guys might remember, the one who basically drove her husband to their wedding, unbeknownst to him) who I had given Vermont teddy bears to for her wedding. They were pretty popular at the time, dressed as a bride and groom. Anyway, when they split, he posted a picture of the bride bear burning in their old fireplace. Yowza.
katie May 23, 2012, 5:01 pm
someone was in the bitter barn…
couldnt resist!! that really is hilarious though.
MissDre May 23, 2012, 3:51 pm
Facebook just made me anxious and unhappy. You never know who you’re pissing off by posting stuff. Pictures that you thought were innocent and happy and then somebody else flips out. I tried to post wedding pics on 2 separate occasions and both brides flipped and demanded all the pics to be taken down. Then there’s people who you think are your friends but they don’t reply to your wall posts. Then you feel like nobody likes you because nobody comments on your status updates. Then there are (now ex) boyfriends who refuse to allow you to post any pic of you together or mention them in any way on facebook…. Whatever. I just got rid of my facebook completely and I’ve actually been a lot happier since.
rangerchic May 23, 2012, 3:54 pm
Thanks for putting it in good words MissDre! I totally agree – though I’ve never had one I’ve heard the stories (even from the same friends that say I need to get a FB page). This is exactly the reason I don’t let my kids have one – who needs all the anxiety!
MissDre May 23, 2012, 4:12 pm
I read about your daughter above. I have suffered from pretty severe anxiety and depression in my life and Facebook definitely aggravated it. Good choice for keeping that distraction away from her.
TheGirl May 23, 2012, 4:52 pm
Hello Bridezilla! I just can’t understand that. I had lots of people post candid shots from my wedding on Facebook and I certainly wasn’t upset about it – I actually thought it gave me a nice easy way to see everyone’s pictures. There were a few my SIL took that I made her send me so I could get them framed they were so good.
MELH May 24, 2012, 10:09 am
Yea I do not get that bride thing either. After my wedding, I was actually disappointed more people didn’t put candid shots up! I wanted to see them while I waited for the professional pictures to come back!
katie May 23, 2012, 5:06 pm
wow- i have literally never had any of those situations happen… that sounds terrible!
Something More May 23, 2012, 7:50 pm
My sister put a small note on each table at her wedding to anyone taking pictures to please keep them off the social media sites. She wasn’t a bridezilla by any means, but she just figured that if people wanted to see what her wedding was like, they should have come. She eventually put up some pictures and I did as well, but mine were of family dancing and stuff. And I ran it past her before I posted.
She also had A LOT of people who RSVP’d and ended up not coming, which was weird and kind of pissed her off.
Zepp May 24, 2012, 6:24 am
“She wasn’t a bridezilla by any means, but she just figured that if people wanted to see what her wedding was like, they should have come.”
That sounds crazy to me, or at least very immature. I thought the main reason people wanted everyone to wait to post wedding pictures was so the bride and groom could post the professional ones first and see all the comments, etc. Your sisters reasoning just sounds… bratty. It makes hearing that a bunch of people didnt want to go to her wedding make sense to me!
Something More May 24, 2012, 8:03 am
She lives in an extremely small town and the majority that were invited live there, and those were the ones who RSVP’d and didn’t show. It wasn’t a huge inconvenience for them to attend as it was just down the road from one of the three stoplights. There isn’t a lot in the way of “proper” etiquette up there, so if something had come up like a party, it would have seemed perfectly OK to bail on a wedding. I don’t see her reasoning as “crazy” at all compared to some of the horror stories we’ve heard, especially on here. In my opinion, she was within reason to be upset when she paid for 70-ish RSVP’d guests to show up and only about 45-50 did on her very limited budget. So yeah, if they had wanted to see her get married, they could have done it in person.
SweetPeaG May 24, 2012, 9:10 am
Seriously? Brides flipping out that you posted pictures?!? I wouldn’t want to be friends with those people…. I am not a big fan of people who are so overly serious about themselves.
Natasiarose May 23, 2012, 3:30 pm
It doesn’t wreck relationships, it just gives people who are inclined to cheat a much easier way to find a willing partner.
As for the jealousy thing, it if wasn’t Facebook I think there would something else. Women have been anxious about other women around their men since the beginning of time.
bethany May 23, 2012, 3:39 pm
I agree 100%. I think FB makes finding old flames easier, which might lead to some people reconnecting, when 15 years ago they probably wouldn’t have been able to do so.
I think it’s important to note that FB doesn’t cause people to cheat, it just makes it easier.
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 3:42 pm
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!
sorry, i had to.
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 4:59 pm
I dunno, guns make it a hell of a lot easier. Otherwise, people wouldn’t have the strength and they’d go through life happily ever after never realizing that many years ago during their “rough patch” when they had babies and no money and whatnot that they almost shot each other’s head’s off. I mean had affairs. What are we talking about?
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 5:06 pm
I love you Addie W. Pray.
Also, the other day I was thinking about merged names (like Bennifer) and I thought if Iwannatalkto sampson and Addie Pray were a couple, I’d call you guys I wanna Pray. Or GeorgeMichael. Whatever.
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:18 pm
Lol, W. And lol, GeorgeMichael.
You could call us Thing 1 and Thing 2. That’s what I call my twin nephews. Thing 2 gets mad because he thinks, if he’s going to be called a thing, he’d rather be Thing 1. He’s dumb, but I get it.
If we merged, we’d be Let’s Pray. Thinking about praying gets me thinking about donuts. It’s the only reason why I ever agreed to go to church when I was younger. There were donuts. In fact I thought until semi-recently that CCD stood for church, coffee, and donuts, but I think it has more to do with Catholic stuff.
I can’t stop talking.
I got a sunburn today.
katie May 23, 2012, 6:27 pm
omg donuts after church was my reason too! and the good kind of donuts- the big ones with the filling in them.
CatsMeow May 23, 2012, 7:23 pm
I just got donuts from the vending machine because of you.
*HmC* May 23, 2012, 4:34 pm
“It doesn’t wreck relationships, it just gives people who are inclined to cheat a much easier way to find a willing partner. ”
I think that’s true for some people, but not all. With cheating, I have this theory that people fall into three separate categories. First category- people who would NEVER cheat. Second category- people who would cheat given the right circumstances and enough opportunity (probably most people would fall under this one, to some degree). Third- people that would cheat no matter what.
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 4:40 pm
I like this.
katie May 23, 2012, 5:07 pm
preach.
im going to start using this. its much cooler then ITA.
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 5:17 pm
I challenge you to form a DW terms & abbreviations sentence. Use ITA, MOA, preach, DTMFA, bitter barn and any others I’m forgetting. Are you up to the challenge, katie?
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:20 pm
C U Next Tuesday too! (It’s still my favorite.)
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:22 pm
“ITA that the LW should MOA from that C U Next Tuesday…. something, something bitter barn. …. something something papa don’t preach.”
What the hell is DTMFA?
JK May 23, 2012, 5:24 pm
Dump the Mother F***er Already. Read Savage Love AP, it will change your life.
Something More May 23, 2012, 7:46 pm
“ITA that the LW should DTMFA and MOA from that C U Next Tuesday before she ends up in the bitter barn crying to Papa don’t Preach.” ….?
landygirl May 23, 2012, 4:38 pm
I don’t really have FB issues and I don’t really take it all that seriously. To me, FB is just a way for me to access Farmville and to wish people Happy Birthday.
TheGirl May 23, 2012, 4:54 pm
And to see all your friends’ baby pictures! Sometimes the only way I hear from them is by commenting on their kid’s FB pics. I’m 33 and I swear, my newsfeed is so clogged with them now it’s getting a little sickening.
landygirl May 23, 2012, 4:59 pm
Yup. To me it isn’t a popularity contest, it’s a way to keep up with my friends and family. I am able to see pictures that I probably wouldn’t see otherwise. The biggest drama queen on my FB was my niece and she unfriended me so it’s all good.
bethany May 24, 2012, 9:11 am
Me too! I am way more involved in family member’s lives (ones that live far away), because of FB. Sure, I had to hide my annoying cousin, but it’s all good!
CJ May 24, 2012, 10:04 am
My one friend labeled the album of photos with her kid something along the lines of “Alienating people who don’t care about my kid.” I thought it was hilarious and a great way to acknowledge “I know all of you don’t care, but there are people who do. I post these photos for them.”
Kristina May 23, 2012, 5:00 pm
I hate Facebook. The only reason I still have one is because I have close friends all over the world and it’s easy to keep in contact. People I don’t know much anymore post things that are so personal, it feels weird to be reading it. I don’t get jealous easily, but I am so glad my boyfriend doesn’t have a Facebook, because we’re in a long-distance relationship and it’s so easy to misconstrue things that are written online.
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:03 pm
I’m going on a date tonight with someone who is not on Facebook which makes internet stalking him beforehand very, very difficult. It’s not fair. But it’s hard to tell if what I would have found would have negatively or positively impacted the relationship. …
Oh, I just had a deep thought, that may sound a little sexist or double standardy but: I think it’s lame when guys are all over Facebook with their status updates and comments and pictures and whatnot, but it’s less lame when girls are. Why do I think that?
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:05 pm
It’s like info-sharing on FB is innately feminine or something, so it turns me off when I see a dude doing it. Why do I think that? (For the record, Bagge and Budj are super masculine FB-users, so don’t think you turn me off.)
iwannatalktosampson May 23, 2012, 11:22 pm
Interesting – I have facebook and my husband doesn’t. I hope we’re still on for the phone date tomorrow am bright and early! I can’t wait to hear all about it. I also kinda hope you answer the phone from new balls’ bed.
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 11:35 pm
We’re still on! I’m an hour ahead but wake up really early – so call anytime. … And I’m home now. The date was GREAT (despite me being home by 10 pm). I’m in lurve!
iwannatalktosampson May 23, 2012, 11:50 pm
YAY! Did you get to test out the jaw situation?
bagge72 May 24, 2012, 9:26 am
Few, I was about to go take down that picture of the cat with the heading that says “just hang in there”.
katie May 23, 2012, 5:05 pm
facebook is not a big deal unless you make it a big deal in your life. i love facebook, i go on it everyday, but i never get angry because other people are having a good time, getting married, or having babies. if anything, im really happy that i still get to see those things from people that i *may* not still see in my regular life. i really dont understand why people make it out to be such a big deal.
i think that a lot of these people who freak out over little things that are posted would just freak out the same if those things were said in person.. you know? like the gossipy type girls… they will gossip whether they hear the news on facebook or by their MILs or whatever.
i think that the people who use facebook to catch their SOs cheating are just smart.
Addie Pray May 23, 2012, 5:12 pm
FB doesn’t make me angry when I see everyone’s happy postings, but it makes me sad. But I realized it something: I don’t get sad when I see Wendy’s cute baby or my coworker’s fun vacations or anything – “current” people in my life’s postings I think are cute and I’m happy for them and what not. (Yes, Wendy, you are present in my life, don’t think that’s weird.) It’s the girl from French class that I didn’t even know, for example. (Well, knew her enough to recognize her as a former classmate and accept her friendship, though I don’t think we even said “hi” when we became “friends.”) I see she became a teacher and has a husband and two cute kids and she just made her oldest kid the prettiest cake for his 5th birthday and I think… “wow, she’s living her dream and is happy and I feel so less accomplished (in terms of my own personal dreams, not like schooling or anything) than her and I wish I were up to different things….” I realize I don’t know anything about her or what her dreams were… maybe I’m sad because she seems to be living MY dream?
What’s that about?
amy May 23, 2012, 5:26 pm
I learned my lesson about a month after my fiance’ moved to colorado. His “in a relationship with amy” status disappeared and I freaked. He is not facebook savy, told me there was a problem with it, blah blah blah, but it didn’t matter. I thought he was lying, I even had myself convinced that he removed it because he didn’t want people to know that he was in a relationship with me.
After I calmed down and talked with a friend (and my very angry fiance’ over the level of upset that I felt, he hates facebook to begin with, so this did not help the situation), I realized that I unreasonably felt like the relationship status was my only way to show COLORADO that he is taken. Puh-lease, right? I know. It’s easy to look back and kick myself, but it wasn’t so easy when I was flipping out over the stupid thing.
Bottom line, people are going to cheat no matter what their relationship status says. You have to trust each other.
I do agree that it is very easy to get jealous over facebook and if you find it interfering in your relationship, take a break from the website. I don’t want to flip out over every single thing posted on my fiance’s wall, and if I do, then I am the one that should remove myself from facebook until I can get a freaking grip on myself lol
amy May 23, 2012, 5:27 pm
The really embarassing part of that story? It came out later in the day that facebook had a glitch and that other people had problems with things changing on their personal information page.
Rachel May 23, 2012, 5:37 pm
Ouch. At least you realized pretty quickly how crazy you were being about the whole thing.
bittergaymark May 23, 2012, 5:26 pm
The incredible insecurity of most people is what wrecks relationships. Sure, Facebook brings said insecurity to the surface, I guess. But most people are perfectly capable of fucking up their relationships with no outside help anyway — so blaming Facebook is just a trite little way of saving Face so to speak.
katie May 23, 2012, 6:37 pm
i totally agree- facebook is just the mechanism that brings all the crap up and in the open- your un-reciprocated feelings for a former flame, your obsession with an ex, the fact that you hate your boyfriend talking to anyone… yep.
CJ May 23, 2012, 5:47 pm
My ex (the first big love) has contacted me through facebook twice. The first was to say “I was a jerk when I dumped you, I hope you don’t hate me.” And I was like “Nope, don’t hate you. That would require thinking of you too often, hope all is well!”
The second time he said “I’ve never really forgotten you and I think we should be friends.” I wrote back “I hope you didn’t forget me, we were together for nearly two years. And while I’ve never forgotten you, we can’t be friends. Sorry, have a nice life.”
He never would have done it if we weren’t both on facebook. I think his first message is what made me hide my profile more now that I think about it. But the only way those messages would have ruined my relationships is if I had let them. If I was that desperate to get back with him, I would have found a way- facebook or not. As many people have said, facebook is just the facilitator. It’s the people themselves that are the problem.
bittergaymark May 23, 2012, 5:58 pm
Um, I think it’s a bit delusional to think that the only reason he contacted you was to get back together with you… I dunno. I am friends with a good number of my exes. But then, maybe gay guys can rise above things easier. Maybe we don’t sweat the small stuff. Maybe we don’t need to forever be petty and bitchy about break ups… Women often are so fucking vengeful once they get dumped… Honestly, it cracks me up.
Hey, truth be told, I’ve been dumped way more often than I’ve dumped and yet — somehow, I’ve never been such a C. U. N.ext T.uesday to any of the vast array of guys that have broken my heart when they’ve reached out to me on Facebook. Really, what’s the point? Two years of your life are worth more than that. Or they should be… But then, I don’t think many of you possess the depth or wisdom to ever fully see that.
Zepp May 23, 2012, 6:03 pm
i think ex’s often contact the other to confirm that their life is better than the others and that they ‘won’ the break up. just another theory of why he could be getting in touch.
bittergaymark May 23, 2012, 6:15 pm
Again, so many of you always immediately look for a darkside, I swear. For me it’s always been much more simple. Something happened to them that made them remember a funny moment in our relationship…
Then again, anybody checking in on me to see which of us has quote unquote “WON” must simply walk away just thrilled because 9 times out of 10 I must hands down come up the big loser. That’s not me be bitter either, it’s just reality. Barring death and disfigurement you’d be hard pressed to be faring worse than me these days…
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 6:34 pm
Eh I disagree. If I’d gotten a message like that, I’d think they were looking for more. Now if I’d gotten a message about a certain memory we shared itd be a different story. However I will say adding the snide remarks made her look immature and not over him.
CJ May 24, 2012, 9:57 am
The snide remarks weren’t quite as bitchy in the messages I sent him. I didn’t type everything out here, but it was written more along the lines of “Of course I’ve never forgotten you, we spent two years together and I won’t ever forget that. But that was a long time ago and I’m not the same girl I was when I was 19. I just don’t see us being friends. I’m sorry and I hope you have a nice life.”
Of course the messages themselves weren’t the point of what I was saying. I shouldn’t have included them at all. Trying to add in to the conversation while in a rush was obviously a mistake.
lets_be_honest May 24, 2012, 1:46 pm
Saw your posts about the real point you were making, and it makes sense. In any event, I think the guy was at least looking for validation.
Zepp May 24, 2012, 6:12 am
i didnt think it was that dark! I thought the ‘who’s life is better after we breakup’ game was pretty universal. It doesn’t bother me at all, but maybe that’s because I’ve made my life awesome. Maybe you should do the same. Life is what you make it, if your current choices aren’t giving you a life you’re proud of, you should be making different choices.
Jiggs May 23, 2012, 6:13 pm
Oh good, another treatise on how superior gay men are to women. We’re such terrible bitches who never want to be friends with straight men who we dumped/dumped us! Argghh, bitches, amirite?
At best, the ex-bf’s messages are attention-seeking validate-me-please bullshit. There’s nothing in the original comment to inspire your BS about being petty horrible people except your extreme misogyny. Be friends with your exes if that makes you happy! No one is judging you for it! So maybe you can relax when other people don’t want to be BFFs with theirs.
bittergaymark May 23, 2012, 6:41 pm
Hey, I’m just reflecting back to you all what I see. Maybe if you all grow the fuck up a bit and stop being so fucking defensive and so fucking petty about your own messed up pasts, I would probably have no choice but to stop doing that. Look, it’s not my fault that so many of you seem hell bent on proving to me and the world at large that you are all angry little bitches who refuse to get over things that happened YEARS ago.
But it is my fault for trying repeatedly to point out that fact.
Then again, why the fuck do I even bother? It’s not like any of you are ever worth it. So, go be a bitch all your life about everything, never take any responsibility for anything and see where THAT gets you.
Peace, out.
rainbow May 23, 2012, 7:15 pm
For someone who’s not even screwing women you spend an awful lot of time thinking of them, don’t you?
I don’t understand why you think that being gay gives you a pass to be misogynistic, but it’s ridiculous. Cut it off please.
bittergaymark May 23, 2012, 7:23 pm
The fact that I am constantly accused of misogyny when I am actually only trying to help women NOT mess up their own lives through petty and and easily avoidable mistakes has finally struck home at last. Thanks for this moment of clarity, rainbow. No, seriously, this thank you is one hundred percent in earnest… Why do I waste so much time thinking about women and trying to solve their problems? Why bother? So go on and keep on being messed up and utterly clueless about men. I can see it’s really working out just great for so many of you.
ahlia May 23, 2012, 8:06 pm
damn! I guess I would be completely clueless without a nice man to explain things to me. Thanks for looking out for all of our best interests 🙂
iseeshiny May 23, 2012, 11:31 pm
Wow, dude. This “angry little bitch” thinks you should maybe chill the fuck out. Quit saying hateful shit about all women everywhere and maybe you won’t get called a misogynist.
I like you, oddly, and I get it, it’s infuriating to watch people do stupid, self-destructive things when you feel like if they’d only listen to you, all the pain could be avoided. You get worked up like this because you care.
But I can guarantee you that the percentage of stupid-self destructive women is completely matched by the percentage of stupid self-destructive men, and stupid self-destructive gay men, and stupid self-destructive gay women, and stupid self-destructive people in general.
This habit you have of seemingly blaming the entirety of the female sex for every problem everyone anywhere has had ever? It doesn’t make you seem like a world-wise common sense-bearing guru from whose wisdom all the youth of today could benefit. It just makes you sound like a sad, angry, vitriolic husk with an ax to grind against women.
So please, take your own advice and take responsibility yourself for the things you say – stop acting surprised at the reactions you’re getting, at least. Please regain your Bali Zen, because you really seemed happier when you came back, and know that I hope whatever went wrong that’s got you so angry and feeling so helpless starts going right again.
landygirl May 24, 2012, 12:19 am
Well stated.
Addie Pray May 24, 2012, 6:50 am
Well said, iseeshiny.
SweetPeaG May 24, 2012, 10:08 am
And where has your attitude gotten you?
I mean… the bitter, mean thing can be funny and I’ve enjoyed quite a few of your posts. I understand being frustrated with people who make poor choices repeatedly. But, to generalize all women as being angry little bitches is very disrespectful.
Jiggs May 24, 2012, 5:50 pm
Nice flounce. Laughing so hard at this comment, I can’t even.
SweetPeaG May 24, 2012, 9:56 am
Thanks Jiggs. I wanted to say that.
Why all the women hating?
Just Max May 23, 2012, 8:34 pm
I agree that wanting to get back together is not the only reason for an ex to get in touch. I, too, am friends with my ex, and most of our conversations are about milestones we’ve reached or to say happy birthday. The only way I’d conclude that getting back together was their intention, it’d be if they expressly said so; in which case I’d say “thank you, but no” and move on.
Actually, now that I think about it, I remember asking the DW community (last year, I think) why people were/are so obsessed with keeping tabs on their exes (which, to me, is more common among some women than men). I kind of get it early after a breakup and or if there was a lot invested in the relationship. But, after a while… it makes no sense to me.
Bethany May 23, 2012, 8:40 pm
I agree with Bgm on this one– I’m friends with several of my x’s on fb, and I email another one of my x’s occasionally because we have a shared interest, and he’s really he only one I can talk to about it. We’re grown up and over all the drama and we can be freindly/friends. Sometimes it really is just about being friendly. Now we don’t know what kind of person your x was or how your relationship was, but there’s a good chance he just wanted to be on good terms wih you and not get back together or flirt or whatever.
Please iIgnore any errors- damn iPhone.
CJ May 24, 2012, 9:49 am
So apparently I explained terribly and everyone missed the point. My point wasn’t “Oh look how desperate he is to get back together with me,” my point was that he wouldn’t have had another way to contact me without facebook. And if I was in a relationship and wanted something to happen between us, I would have been the one to blame. Not facebook.
Maybe he just wanted to be on good terms, but as I explained to him in the message (which I didn’t type out fully here, sorry) I’m not the same girl that I was when we broke up 7 years ago. And a friendship between us just wouldn’t work today.
CJ May 24, 2012, 9:25 am
I didn’t say he reached out to me strictly to get back together with me.. I said that the only way those messages could have ruined relationships that I was in would be if I let them and if I was that desperate to get back with him, I would have found a way with or without facebook.
And I did leave this out of my original post, but the second message was 7 years after he broke up with me. I didn’t say it in such a bitchy way in the message, but I didn’t realize that I had to give you the exact wording so I didn’t get called a C word. Really? Resorting to calling me a C.U.Next.Tuesday? Calling me a b*tch would have been one thing, but I don’t deserve that.
bittergaymark May 24, 2012, 1:41 pm
There’s actually a huge difference between calling somebody a C.U. Next Tuesday and telling somebody that you’ve never modeled their own C.U. Next Tuesdayish behavior, but people around here often fail to grasp that.
CJ May 24, 2012, 10:21 pm
I don’t really see the difference, but I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that one.
Something More May 24, 2012, 10:22 pm
Jesus christ. The word is cunt. Grow up people.
Addie Pray May 24, 2012, 10:24 pm
*gasp*
C. U. Next. Tuesday is super funny and you KNOW IT!
Something More May 24, 2012, 10:29 pm
I laughed when I read this. SHUT UP!! 😉
Zepp May 23, 2012, 6:01 pm
Facebook has gotten so worthless lately, at least my newsfeed has. I would welcome people’s updates about jobs/engagements/babies travel. At least then I would be learning things about my acquaintances and keeping up with my old circles. I used to love it when people would have fights or little mental breakdowns over facebook. It was always great entertainment. Now I never see any of that stuff!
My newsfeed is just CLOGGED with political cartoons and articles people have read, songs they heard on spotify or that have been pinned on pinterest. I don’t care about any of these things. Maybe my settings are messed up but everything I’m seeing is soo impersonal and uninteresting.
Michelle.Lea May 23, 2012, 5:21 pm
i like facebook, and it helps me stay connected with family who are all very far away.
however.. i am nosey about people i went to high school with lol. i wont friend someone if they were a jerk in high school, but a nice acquaintance? sure. i find it fascinating to see where people are, how they got there, and who has changed since school and who hasnt.
Leroy May 23, 2012, 6:22 pm
Be prepared for FB to get 10 times worse now that they’ve gone public, and with their IPO having fallen apart. They’re going to be under extraordinary pressure to ‘monetize’ your life and privacy.
My money is on FB going into a death spiral and becoming the new MySpace within 2 or 3 years.
lets_be_honest May 23, 2012, 6:35 pm
I’d bet money on your statement.
katie May 23, 2012, 6:40 pm
aw. this makes me sad.
Leroy May 23, 2012, 8:27 pm
No it’s good. It will be liberating for people to be freed from FB and get a clean start. Some alternative will pop up, though I bet that it will be less centralized and intrusive. I think that people prefer the social aspects of social networking, not the creepy invasive prostituting of their personal lives.
*HmC* May 23, 2012, 8:37 pm
What worries me is that I don’t agree with you- I think a disturbingly large number of people are not only NOT bothered by the “creepy invasive prostituting of their personal lives” (well put!), but rather they don’t actually find FB invasive at all because they’ve grown up with oversharing as the norm and thrive off constant interaction and attention. I swear, it’s like if it’s not on FB, then to some people, it didn’t actually happen. I think bittergaymark said it really well once in regards to FB that so many people nowadays “pantomime a real life instead of actually living one”.
And yes this comment does make me feel like an old fart.
*HmC* May 23, 2012, 8:38 pm
(disagreeing with your last line btw, I have no opinion as to what is in the future for FB)
Kristina May 23, 2012, 9:05 pm
Yeah too many people rely on this instant gratification from social media. I find it disturbing so many people my age love the over-sharing and constant interaction.
Leroy May 24, 2012, 12:33 am
You’ve got a point actually, but I suspect that those folks are just a very vocal minority. So it seems as though that behavior is more commonplace than it really is. One thing that’s weird about FB is that you get much more of that than you do on other social networks, at least in my experience. FB seems to attract attention-seekers who think that they’re broadcasting their lives to the entire world.
FWIW the worst over-sharers that I know, who are on FB, are older. The wife of a friend of mine has gotten so bad that she’s taken to making things up, and I’m pretty sure that it’s so that she can have something to write about. Another friend, who’s in his early 40’s seems to think that FB is the online answer to free therapy. If you didn’t know that he’s a grown man, you’d assume that he was a self absorbed teenager. One friend of mine refers to his updates as the ‘suicide watch’, though they’re not suicidal. He’s typically posting about his weird status anxiety – he thinks that people are judging him and treat him poorly. And apparently George Bush is responsible for the fact that the credit card company wants him to pay his balance.
katie May 24, 2012, 8:15 am
thats so weird. those people make me laugh, though… a lot. thats why i keep them around. i only know a few of them, and honestly i dont even think they over-share that much… there is only one girl i can think of who sometimes i think, wow you should not have put that on facebook.
maybe different people have very different facebook experiences. i dunno, ive never had anxieties with it, ive never gotten depressed about it, and ive never had people freak out that i posted things (ex-boyfriends, brides, whatever)… i mean, if you look at msdre’s experience and mine, you would think its a completely different thing. and, i dont overshare either. i go days and days without putting up a status… and usually they are about my cats. my last one was about americas best dance crew, and the one before was was a picture of baby ducks. maybe i dont take life as seriously as other people? lol i dunno…
Eagle Eye May 24, 2012, 9:23 am
I’m the same way, honestly, not to sound like a total creeper, I rarely post updates, unless it’s me congratulating someone else (i.e. I recently wrote about my sister graduating from college), or my travel plans – I live on the other side of the country from where I grew up, so I like to post and see whose in town for when I come home, I mostly read other’s FB postings, because its an easy enough way to procrastinate for a bit before getting back to work.
Honestly, I wouldn’t call myself the most terribly self-confident person, but their positive postings don’t really bother me, I’m quite content to be where I am in life so I wouldn’t trade it for anything else, and I’m happy to know that some nice people that I grew up with are also successful.
CatsMeow May 23, 2012, 7:29 pm
I like Facebook. I’ve never had any Facebook drama, nor witnessed any. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. ALTHOUGH… I do keep some annoying oversharing “friends” around because I’m nosey and I love the oversharing. I think I just like knowing what’s going on in other people’s lives.
Zepp May 24, 2012, 6:16 am
lol me too. my favorite thing is when a couple who was previously oversharing how happy they are, then begin to share how miserable they are and eventually the messy breakup. It’s like a real life soap opera. and sometimes the things they say are SO outrageous. A guy on my newsfeed one time made this status directed to his ex GRAPHICALLY listing thier like top 10 sexual memories. if I was the ex-girlfriend i think i would have murdered him.
Something More May 23, 2012, 8:02 pm
When I was dating an ex-bf, he and a girl he went to high school with reconnected after she had some traumatizing exp. in her life. It was all cool with me (he’s mine, right?) when she started putting stupid shit on his MySpace page (I know – forever ago) like “I’m mad at you, just thought I’d let you know.” or “We SO need to catch up!” or “Remember this? (random picture) Hahahaha!” It was pretty annoying. We broke up not too long after and he actually ended up marrying her a couple years later. She always seemed so desperate for the attention. I guess I dodged a bullet with that one…?
My current bf and I both have FB pages and (as far as I know) we’ve never had a problem with it. He has women who comment that he knew from HS but it’s never anything inappropriate, same with guys on my page. It’s so nice to be in a secure, loving relationship. 🙂
brendapie May 23, 2012, 8:42 pm
I’m not connected with my sister on Facebook but a friend of mine is and when I saw that friend commenting on a post my sister made I clicked on her profile and found that it wasn’t set to private. Well! It was -interesting- to see what my sister really thinks of me and how her and her friends make fun of me behind my back. I admit I had a good cry when I read the comments.
I think what bothers me most is that she won’t talk to me but she’ll gladly gossip about me on Facebook to people who hardly know me or don’t know me at all. Our relationship is pretty non-existant as it is but know when I see her or have to talk to her about something it is hard to not think about the horrible things she wrote about me.
I wish I never read those things but it was my fault for clicking on her profile in the first place. 🙁
Taylor May 23, 2012, 11:05 pm
*hug*
landygirl May 24, 2012, 12:24 am
Sorry about that. She obviously isn’t very bright and she probably has terrible breath.
Anna May 23, 2012, 9:52 pm
Not at all. My ex didn’t and still doesn’t use Facebook. What wrecked my relationship is called the Y chromosome.
iseeshiny May 23, 2012, 10:51 pm
🙁 I have a great relationship with a person who is double-X impaired. His Y chromosome even comes in handy sometimes. Don’t let one crappy Y sour you on all of them.
Something More May 23, 2012, 11:06 pm
I second this. I hope that the breakup being a fairly fresh wound is what brings out this bitterness and that you don’t hold it against the rest of the Y-chromosome carrying population in the future.
Anna May 24, 2012, 3:02 am
Oh, for sure. It’s only been two weeks since he actually left, and we lived together for 8 years.
Something More May 24, 2012, 7:49 am
Yeah, it’s going to take awhile. Your recent posts just seem to broadly include all of the male population, instead of focusing the “hate” to the one that actually was the asshole. I know it’s a tough road, but you have a great group of people to help you thru it 🙂
Lindsay May 23, 2012, 10:27 pm
My boyfriend doesn’t have Facebook, which is fine with me. I do, but I have no intention of doing anything sketchy with it. While I believe that Facebook may make affairs easier, I don’t buy into the idea that it is causing more affairs or is really a cause at all. I imagine Facebook is taking the place of other forms of communication that would be cited in affairs, like texts or phone calls. Not to mention that a person who begins an affair on Facebook would likely cheat at some point in the marriage anyway.
Zepp May 24, 2012, 6:19 am
I agree. I have a morally corrupt friend who would use facebook to meet up with girls and cheat on his ‘fiance’ alllll the time. She found out, and instead of breaking up with them insisted they make a joint profile. I guess somehow she convinced herself his cheating was a facebook specific thing? Obviously, it wasn’t, and he found lots of other ways to cheat on her.
bethany May 24, 2012, 9:19 am
Can I just say I HATE those joint profiles!! An old friend from HS has one with his wife, and when we first became friends, I wrote something on his wall to the effect of “It’s great to reconnect, hope you’re doing well!” Very vanilla and simple… Well, his wife replied with a “why are you talking to my husband? blah blah blah….” WTF? Seriously?
Also, when you’re friends with both the people in the couple, you never know wich of them in commenting on your stuff!
DebMoore May 24, 2012, 3:54 pm
Well now it depends……….I happen to have a together page with my husband for 2 reasons 1. I am too lazy to start one 2. Altought we grew up in a big area (Orange County CA) we went to private school all through High School. So ALL our friends or people we know are mutual. Plus I am the type of gil who if you are friends with my husband we are freinds too (and vise versa) So it seems silly to make two pages to have the same list of friends. Sure there are some from his work (I work for my family) and other randoms I don’t know, so I ask. However I have never nor will I ever stop him form talking to anyone, girl or boy. Most likely because I altready know who they are. I guess my point is not all “together” pages are bad and I am tired of being ripped on for having one!
MELH May 24, 2012, 10:38 am
Ah Facebook….I don’t mind it, but people use it for stupid, stupid things. I had a very weird Facebook experience in college. My now husband and I had been dating for probably about a year when this random girl Facebook friended him. She said she went to our college and had gone to high school in our hometown, and met my husband in high school. My husband insisted her had no idea who she was.
She started harrassing me. Every once in a while my husband would get a message, but it was mostly hate mail to me. At the end of the harrassment, she told me her and my husband had gotten together and I was being dumped.
Obviously, that was not the case. I couldn’t find any record of this girl going to either our college or the high school (my sister went to the high school she claimed she went to). She had one picture on her page and almost no activity on facebook except to send me messages. All her “friends” seemed to be connected to people we knew.
In the end, we decided one of my husband’s idiot friends was behind it. We don’t know which one, because there are a few who could be tied in with the people that were asked to “friend” this person. We both blocked her, I reported the profile for harrassment. I have a pretty good idea who it was, considering our friendship with him slowly faded, especially after we got engaged and his response to my husband was “guess you don’t have the option to cheat now.” I am still amazed that someone put that much time and effort into such an idiotic plot to try and break us up.
JK May 24, 2012, 10:43 am
Wow. I can´t believe anyone would actually do that!
katie May 24, 2012, 12:16 pm
thats hilarious in a super sad way.. wow.
MELH May 24, 2012, 1:16 pm
I know! Looking back it just makes me laugh because I think who is really thought that I would get this message from a person I already thought was fake saying I had been dumped and be like “oh, damn guess I better move on with my life”.
katie May 24, 2012, 1:52 pm
oh- anchorman moment!! haha. you know, when the male anchormen are making prank calls to the girl, telling her to leave and she got another job and stuff. yea, lol. no sane person would just up and be like, oh well, sad. were done.