You know, I checked my email archives and found *seven* emails from you over the course of two years and some months. Four of the emails — including this one (#2), then this one (again, #2), then an update (which I didn’t publish) to that one in which you say you broke up with the guy because he said he didn’t see himself getting married for ten more years and didn’t want to commit to anyone in the meantime and lose his freedom, and then today’s letter — all focus on his telling you he’s really not interested in anything serious with you.
Nothing has changed in the year and ten months you’ve been writing to me about him! Literally, nothing. He’s STILL telling you he doesn’t want to be serious with you. The only thing he has now added to that narrative is that he doesn’t want you to be serious with anyone else either. Do you realize what a dick move that is? He KNOWS you want a serious, committed relationship. He KNOWS he doesn’t want that with you. He’s told you so numerous times. If he cared about you at all, he would want you to find someone who wants the same thing you do and can make you happy. He doesn’t want you to be happy. He wants you to be at his beck and call for companionship and dates to holiday parties.
Come ON. Enough is enough. Aren’t you tired of these games? You don’t have to keep playing them. You really, really don’t. You can walk away. You can say, “I’m done. I want a real relationship, you’ve made it clear you aren’t ready to commit, and I’m moving on. Please do not contact me again.”
It’s your life, my friend. It’s time for you to take the wheel and drive it forward.
He is supposed to be marrying his fiancée in nine months, they have a house together, his finances are tied with the house, and she also works at the same place! I told him from the start that I don’t want to be the other woman, but the more we see each other the less I feel I can walk away. He keeps saying he will make a decision, but it’s been eight weeks and he hasn’t done it yet. When we talk about it, he says it’s such a huge decision. When we are together, it’s like we’re a couple and I know people are talking about us at work. I keep telling him that if he doesn’t do it soon, we are going to get caught.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve even thought about messaging his fiancée from an anonymous number and telling her he’s having an affair so he is pushed into the decision. I know that’s not the right thing to do though. Help. — The Other Woman
Ok, so you know how one avoids being the other woman? You don’t date and screw someone else’s man, that’s how. It’s really not complicated. Saying from the start that you don’t want to be the other woman means jack shit when you literally do everything possible to be the other woman — “engineering meet-ups early in the mornings, at lunch, and for drinks after work, … text … all the time, send pictures, always ask each other’s opinions on things, laugh together and have secret silly sayings.” And now you want to place an anonymous call to the woman he’s supposed to marry to tell her about this affair not to spare her from making the mistake of marrying a cheating scumbag but to push the scumbag into committing to you? You suck and you two deserve each other.
Yes, call the other woman, but don’t do it anonymously. If you’re going to wreck someone’s relationship, at least have the balls to own up to it. Call this woman up and tell her you’ve been having an affair with her fiancé for the last two months and you’re sorry about that (even though you clearly aren’t), but at least you’re doing her the favor of saving her from making the mistake of marrying a cheating scumbag. Don’t be delusional though. This guy isn’t going to commit to you. Even if you two do continue your passionate liaison, he’s a cheater and you have bad karma. So… yeah, have fun with that!
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.