This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Need advice about girl i was “seeing/dating”

Not his plus one

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

 
Ok, but I’m curious – did he explain why he stopped kissing you? I know he said it was because he was afraid of getting sick, but that was a bullshit excuse; did he ever tell you the real reason? Was there any explanation at all? Why did he suddenly feel like it was ok to start kissing you again? And why is it less kissing now than before? I get the impression he’s giving you the bare minimum to keep you with him but not addressing the underlying cause of his not wanting to kiss you. Until that underlying cause is dealt with, I worry that it’s only a matter of time before the kisses stop again. I think you know this on some level or you wouldn’t call this a “compromise” that you are happy with “for the time-being.”

***************
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

Am I really making a bad choice to go live with him and get to see how we will actually be with each other when we make it official living together? Please share some advice on this or direct me to a post that is similar. I would greatly appreciate it. — Ready to Move?

At 26, it’s past time for you to be making life decisions based on what YOU want, what makes YOU happy, and what best supports YOUR goals and dreams and ambitions. Sure, it’s nice to have your family’s blessing and support, but this isn’t their life and they don’t get to call the shots. THAT SAID, it’s very important to have your eyes wide open, and to have a plan, when moving across the country and in with someone you only know through monthly visits over the past ten months. Lucky for you, I’ve written lots of advice on the subject, informed in part by my own move across the country to be with my long-distance boyfriend (who has now been my husband for over ten years). Here is my most helpful advice in thinking about making such a move and in navigating the transition:

8 Things You Need to Do Before You Move For Love (pay particular attention to points 5-8)

“In a Long-Distance Relationship, Who Should Be The One to Move?”

10 Signs You’re Ready to Move for Love

8 Tips For Transitioning out of a Long-Distance Relationship

“How Can We Make HIS Bachelor Pad OUR Apartment?”

Poll: “Did Your Long-Distance Relationship Survive When the Separation Ended?”

If anyone else has suggestions, tips, and advice for deciding how and whether to move for a long-distance relationship, weigh in below!

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram. 
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

I was a real sack of garbage to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her. Do you think there may be a chance to get her back? Do you think she may still have feelings for me? What’s your opinion on my situation? — Sack of Garbage

I know you think you’re a better person now than when you ghosted a woman you’d been in a relationship with for five years, but I have my doubts. First of all, there’s the fact that you can’t even acknowledge that what you shared was a relationship. Instead, you say you weren’t “officially together” and that it was “a sort of fling that lasted five years.” It was a relationship, ok? It may have been complicated, maybe you weren’t committed or monogamous, it wasn’t “official,” but it was a relationship – a five year relationship that you totally peaced out on without so much as a text. And now, after hearing that your behavior caused this woman so much pain, and has affected her relationships to this day, your primary question is whether you can get her back? Ugh, it’s not about you! You say you were selfish when you cut her off so abruptly five years ago, but you’re still selfish getting in touch with her and not thinking about how that might affect her.

You already fucked up this woman once. You fucked her up so much that she’s struggling with how to process your sudden re-entry into her life. She’s pissed, she’s in pain, she has never felt the same after you ghosted her and, yet, she “likes the idea of your trying something together.” So, yeah, of course, she still has feelings for you, but they’re obviously very mixed. A lot of them – maybe most of them — are not good. She’s afraid of you. She doesn’t trust you. And for all this time, she’s likely been projecting those feelings onto new people she’s tried to date because she probably didn’t completely process the feelings she had when you disappeared without warning or explanation. And now, whatever healing she managed to do in the five years you’ve been away is being threatened by your sudden re-emergence – a re-emergence that’s all about YOU and what YOU want.

You’ve messed her up enough. I would follow up with another note:

“Dear [her name] – This note is only an apology and nothing else. I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you – for not acknowledging the relationship we shared and the feelings I had for you for the five years we were romantically involved, for contributing to the ambiguousness of our status and for any pain and confusion around that. I’m sorry for any pain I’ve stirred up again now by reaching out to you after all this time and for intentions that were more selfish than altruistic. I missed you and was hopeful that you’d be interested in giving us a chance again, but on further reflection I realize that that wasn’t fair of me. You deserve so much happiness, including a loving relationship with someone you can trust without fear. I understand, given our history and how I treated you, the likelihood of that person being me isn’t great. I also understand how my behavior may make it difficult for you to trust even people who aren’t me, and I’m sorry for that, too. I don’t want to cause you more pain. I only want you to know that our breakup is entirely a reflection of my shortcomings and not a reflection of you at all. I couldn’t be the man you deserved, but I hope you find him and I hope I haven’t caused so much pain that you don’t recognize the promise of a loving relationship when you do.”

Send that and then leave her alone. If she decides to take a chance on you, fine. But let her come to any decision she makes without further pressure from you, and with a reminder — and a warning — that in the past you were not the person she deserved. It’s up to her to decide whether you’re what she deserves going forward. And if she thinks that you are and she wants to give you another chance, it’s up to you not to make her regret that.

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram. 
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Aw yeah, let’s hear it for older broads: “25 Famous Women on Achieving Success Later in Life”

From your work BFF to your boss: How to navigate relationships in the office

How to Actually Follow Through on the Relationship Advice You Get

The Benefits of Rebounding After a Rebound

Well, duh: Cats Really Do Bond With Their Humans, Study Finds

The story of Chanel Miller, the young woman attacked by Brock Turner, needed to be told in her words (and now it is!)

For years, I’ve been trying to make the perfectly peel-able hardboiled eggs with very mixed results. And then I read this article and immediately tried the recipe and IT WORKS! For every egg, every time. If you are like me and my family and eat a ton of hardboiled eggs, this might just save your sanity like it has mine.

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram.

The other day I read somewhere that 43 is the median age in the United States. I turned 43 a couple weeks ago, so this statistic stood out to me — I’m exactly in the middle! Perfectly middle-aged! — but when I Googled the statistic to link to it in this post, all I found were some articles claiming that 38 is the median age in the United States. Had I been mistaken in what I thought I read the other day? Was there a qualifier to the statistic- maybe 43 is the median age for white people or for women or for some other descriptive category I fall into and thereby a reason I attached an “it me” meme to when I read? I don’t know – I’m 43 and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

I’m 43 and here are a few other things that aren’t what they used to be:

all the physical stuff you would imagine might be changing (and maybe are experiencing yourself because you’re also in your 40s or older. Hi!); the number of fucks I have to give on a number of tedious topics (what most people think of me, rude or nasty internet comments directed at me, celebrity gossip); my ability to tolerate — and thus, enjoy — red wine; my knowledge of current music; and my tolerance for large crowds, spicy food, and upspeak. Some of these changes have been difficult to deal with. I’d love to enjoy jerk chicken, for example, without loading up on Prilosec for a week in advance, and I’m still caught by surprise when I see a reflection of my neck in the mirror and wonder whether 68 degrees is too warm to wear a scarf.

Not every surprise about getting older has been unwelcome though. Some discoveries have been truly delightful. Like, if you’re 28, you might not realize the absolute, life-altering occasion of a really great night’s sleep. You may not yet appreciate the sheer thrill of an unscheduled afternoon, or the downright aggressive bliss of immediately saying no to something you don’t want to do instead of initially saying yes before being emotionally drained by an oppressive sense of dread followed by a raging case of guilt after canceling. Who knew the most liberating words in the English language were “No, I can’t”? Every self-respecting person over 40, that’s who.

Being a woman in her 40s is fun because if you ever miss the kind of attention you got ten or fifteen years ago, all you have to do is put on some work-out clothes and walk down the street and suddenly you realize the perks of your increasing invisibility when you aren’t wearing spandex. Sure, people — men — don’t hold the door open for you as often anymore, but then you don’t have to feel their gaze on your ass when you walk by either, and since you are perfectly capable of – and maybe prefer — opening doors yourself, this is kind of a win-win.

Listen, it’s not all fun and family game nights in your 40s though. If you managed to get through the first four decades without experiencing much loss, you won’t be as lucky when you’re forty-something. Someone you love will die, and this is a hard truth — hardest, of all, I think — of being in your 40s. It may be your last living grandparent whom you’re particularly close with, a beloved pet you’ve had since your twenties, or a parent you helped care for through an aggressive illness. It may even be an unexpected loss – someone your age, a peer, a close friend who was healthy in every way. And this loss, or losses, will make you reflect on your own mortality and the legacy you will — or want — to leave behind (all of which pairs particularly well with the red wine you can no longer tolerate).

Even if you’re in your 40s and haven’t yet experienced a big loss, you know it’s coming. You’re seeing posts on social media with increasing frequency from old high school friends announcing the deaths of their parents, or their siblings, and sometimes even their spouses or, god forbid, a child. If you’ve avoided feeling intense grief so far, the probability of it hangs heavy in the air like the proverbial shoe you know is going to drop — could drop at any moment. And when it does, there’s almost a relief. The worst has happened — you’ve lost someone you love deeply — and you’ve survived. And in surviving – in experiencing grief and getting through it — something kind of wonderful happens, too: you meet the depth of your own strength and the strength of your support. The people who have your back have your fucking back; maybe you didn’t even know they were there, but you do now. And if you’re a person worth her salt, you’ll be there for them, too. Maybe you already have been and you didn’t know the value of the support you gave until it was returned to you.

Knowing your value is a wonderful perk of getting older. It’s the scaffolding upon which the best relationships are built and from which the worst are dropped. It’s the path to more career fulfillment and better rewards (monetary and otherwise), and the lens through which once-ambiguous obstacles become clear. When you know your worth, you understand what is unworthy of your time and attention, and that’s the first step to clearing your life of these energy-sucks. Clearing these obstacles is such an important step because you need every bit of energy and time you have for new demands: monitoring your kids’ social media engagement; making sure you know your parents’ end-of-life wishes; sending out sympathy cards every other week; getting your blood pressure down; and binge-watching Fleabag.

In a decade that is full of surprises, maybe the biggest of all for me is this: I love being in my forties. It’s my favorite decade so far, despite the losses and the age spots and the acid reflux. I love feeling more confident, having stronger relationships, and not giving weight to things that just aren’t very important. I’m so inspired by other people in their forties, too: their growth, their grit, their determination. And, of course, all their incredible scarves.

Since then, we have been working hard to build up the trust he broke. It took a good couple of months before he was able to implement some strict and appropriate boundaries with Jane. During this time I found out that he had told her about our fights (that were essentially about her). I felt utterly humiliated. Around eight months later I found out he’d lied about seeing her on our 1-year anniversary (we had dinner planned and he said their meeting was brief). One of my asks was that he keep me informed of when he was going to meet her. Also, he bought her a present (a book), which he’d also bought me, but he hadn’t told me he’d bought one for her. Every time I think things are working better, I feel like another lie comes out. On the day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend: he’s supportive, kind, and funny, and he cooked for me every day while I was studying for some exams. But I can’t seem to get past this, and I don’t know if I’m being played for a fool here or if I’m being too hard on him. Do I leave or do I stay? — Not His Jane

You’re fixated on the wrong thing here. In thinking about whether or not you should continue this relationship, you are focusing only on your suspicion that your boyfriend is cheating on you – at least emotionally – with Jane, and you’re obsessing over any potential signs of said cheating, from the kind of gift he gave Jane (and didn’t initially tell you about) to what day on the calendar he spends time with her. This stuff is pretty insignificant though, especially considering that you don’t need a sign to know that your boyfriend has been a disrespectful jerk, which is reason enough to leave him. The fact that he invited you to meet his parents for the first time and then disinvited you because your presence “would be too hard for Jane” is a much bigger deal than the fact that he gave Jane the same book he gave you or that he saw her briefly on your 1-year anniversary.

You say that on the “day-to-day things he’s a great boyfriend,” but his cooking for you while you’re studying for exams doesn’t negate the deep sense of betrayal you feel. It doesn’t matter how funny and kind he is when you have daily dread over a friendship he has with a woman whose feelings he has prioritized over yours on at least one very significant occasion. You call him a “great boyfriend,” but if he’s blowing off an opportunity to meet your parents after two years of dating you by leaving town a couple days earlier than planned, unnecessarily, with a woman he’s bringing home to meet his parents instead of you, he’s not great, and no amount of well-timed, home-cooked meals will make up for how insignificant he’s made you feel.

Bottom line, when deciding whether or not to continue a relationship, pay the most attention to how that person makes you feel. And if it’s not a great feeling, it’s not a great relationship and it’s time to move on already.

 
This relationship is super Dysfunctional with a capital D, from your calling random contacts in your boyfriend’s phone (!), to “confronting” him about his previous relationship before he started dating you – which, frankly, isn’t your business — to his bullshit justification for soliciting people in a sexual nature on Craigslist. He was “testing” himself? After he moved in with you? To see if he was “that type”? Spoiler: he is TOTALLY “that type.” If you look up “that type” in the urban dictionary, there’s a picture of him with a smirk on his face, gripping a bunch of whips and chains, surrounded by a harem of women he solicited off Craigslist, and he’s probably wearing leather chaps. And if you look up “big ol’ snoopity-snoop” in the urban dictionary, there’s a picture of YOU holding a magnifying glass over her boyfriend’s phone, looking for any validation of your deep sense of distrust for your scummy boyfriend.

And you want to know if you can trust the guy? If you should marry him? Fuck, no, you can’t trust him (clearly!). And if you actually believe his bullshit when he says that his numerous sex solicitations on Craigslist were a way of “testing” himself, well that doesn’t make him a “good talker” — it just makes you a bad listener. Stop being so gullible and listen to your gut that’s been screaming since at least one year into this relationship, if not sooner, that this guy is seriously bad news. There is no trust to be had here and there is no future. It’s just an endless sea of dysfunction, out of which your only life preserver is a long overdue breakup.

P.S. Your boyfriend’s ex ghosted him after four years of living together. Ghosted him! After living together for four years! I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because she was sick of picking up his socks.

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Is she right to hate me?

My best friend abused his ex-gf…and now there’s drama

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

 
I’m really confused (and I bet your ex is too). In your letter to me that you sent in July, you knew he was starting a new relationship with someone, so why are you acting like this 6-month relationship is news to you? In my advice to you, which you should re-read, I suggested you NOT see your ex and that you should close communication between him and your kids since you were feeling so emotionally unstable and having a hard time dealing with the idea of his dating someone new. I also suggested you get therapy. I still very much think that’s a good idea. What’s not a good idea though is sending back expensive jewelry to your ex. Talk about passive aggressive. If you can’t stand the idea of having it in your home, donate it or sell it. Sending gifts back to an ex you cheated on and then got angry at for moving on with a new girlfriend a year and a half after you broke up is not a good look.

***************
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

What do you think, Wendy? Did I hurt a relationship that could have had -might still have – potential for the sake of a silly office fantasy? Or is this a wake-up call for me to tune into my feelings/emotions and do some exploring? Can I do both? Have I ruined everything? What is Paul thinking? — Moth-to-the-flame

Your relationship with Peter isn’t in a grey zone; it’s done, finished, complete. You aren’t in love with Peter and you never will be. After six years, you know this as well as you know anything. The idea that Peter might be a perfect partner is a fantasy in itself. First of all there’s no such thing as a perfect partner, but Peter doesn’t even come close to being a good partner for you. On top of not being in love with him, you feel emotionally distant from him, you have ugly fights with him, and on at least one occasion his reckless behavior made you fear for your safety. That’s hardly a recipe for perfection. As young as you are – just two years out of college – even if you have a strong desire to have kids, you still have plenty of time to find an actually great match for yourself – as opposed to someone who’s a bad match for you but with whom you share years of history. Don’t settle.

As for Paul, I’d be very leery of a guy who is ten years your senior and has a managerial role over you in the small company you work for. With the “quite intimate” friendship you two have developed and the “ambiguous,” “affectionate,” “tactile” connection he’s fostered with a younger subordinate (who has been in a relationship for most of the time he’s known her), he is clearly crossing boundaries that a standup kind of person should know not to cross. It’s inappropriate at best and potentially predatory. At the very least, he’s abusing his power. It also sounds like he’s preying on the vulnerability you are likely exhibiting (as a younger, more inexperienced person, as someone who very recently had self-esteem issues, as someone who is feeling unstable in her relationship and is questioning her sexuality). For all of these reasons, I don’t think Paul is the gem you seem to think he is, high concentrate of charm or not. If you want to continue this intimate friendship, fine, but don’t risk your job and your emotional well-being by exploring some kind of romantic relationship with him. Trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

What you should do though is explore your sexuality. You’re young and single and questioning how you identify – and whom you identify as an ideal partner. There’s literally zero reason to tie yourself down to any one person and so many reasons to explore multiple people. Date for fun rather than searching for the partner to have a family with (again – there’s plenty of time for that and no need to rush). Date to see who turns you on and what characteristics you particularly value in a person. But don’t date Peter. Or Paul. Maybe there’s a nice Mary you can ask out?

 
Someone in active recovery for any kind of addiction is not in a place to foster a connection with a romantic partner. If you were married and/or had kids together, I’d advise sticking it out a little longer – with the caveat that at least for the first year of his recovery he will be pouring almost all his energy into getting better and not into making your relationship better. Since you are merely dating and, I hope, don’t have children together, you are free and clear to move the fuck on, which is exactly what you should do. His staring at other women is like the least of the problems here. He’s cheated on you with multiple women, multiple times, and he continues to abuse whatever tenuous threads of trust you have for him. It’s great that he’s dealing with his issues and taking active steps to get better, but the foundation of your relationship is made of too many lies to ever build anything stable and long-lasting on it. MOA.

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.