Thank you for your comments on yesterday’s post. I’m still trying to figure out the direction I want to take this site — I would love for it to remain predominantly an advice site, but I need a steady supply of engaging letters to respond to and I don’t have a lot of control over that, unfortunately — and it’s helpful to hear your thoughts. I also enjoy hearing about the changes in your lives over the past decade!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend ahead, and here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Enough Leaning In. Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out.

I’ve been getting into Poshmark lately after re-evaluating my shopping habits and wanting to do better by my budget and the environment. I’ve had great luck with getting things that fit – and for such deals! There are a couple things that didn’t fit so well and I’ve posted them to re-sell – maybe something would be of interest to you. I plan to comb through my closet and add additional items in coming weeks and months, so feel free to follow me if you’re on Poshmark (or consider joining and seeing what all the fuss is about).

25 Modern Love Essays to Read if You Want to Laugh, Cringe and Cry

Related: Should You Buy Clothes Second Hand To Reduce Your Environmental Impact? and How to Buy Clothes That Are Built to Last.

Some of these 21 Weirdest Prenup Demands Lawyers Have Ever Seen are reasonable (like 4 and 5 and 19) and some are batshit (all the rest basically). If you could put anything in a prenup clause (without negative consequence), what would it be?

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!
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Ok, there are ten weeks and five days left in the decade, but you know those last few days of the year after Christmas are sort of throw-away days, so for all intents and purposes there are ten weeks left in this decade. What are you going to do with your time? Anything on your 2010s bucket list you want to try to cross off before the end of December?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past ten years and what I want to leave behind and what I want to bring with me into the next decade. I love time-markers – anniversaries and special dates – by which I can measure change and growth, and the end of a decade is no different. This decade was a really big one for me – it probably was for you, too. Ten years ago Drew and I were newlyweds still living in his bachelor pad in Manhattan. A few months into 2010, we moved to Brooklyn — to the same neighborhood where we still live. By the end of the year, the website I was working for – where many of you discovered my Dear Wendy column — was being sold and I was—-along with the rest of the staff — essentially laid off (two weeks before Christmas, ugh). Drew and I had been talking about having a baby, and I knew that I wanted to stay home with the baby if possible and that, with my – let’s face it — pretty limited skills, moving my column to its very own site and figuring out a way to monetize it — at least enough so that I could continue staying home — would be my best bet to make that happen. Being laid off gave me the nudge I needed to make the jump, and in January, 2011, this site was born. I also got pregnant at the same time and nine months later, Jackson was born.

If you’ve been reading my site since then – or if you’ve caught up over the months or years you’ve been a reader — you know most of the rest of the story of my decade. A few years after Jackson was born, I had Joanie. A few months after that, my father-in-law died. A couple years later, we bought a place in our neighborhood and became first-time homeowners (and landlords – we rent out a tiny store front on our ground floor as well as our backyard to another tenant). And in the past year, I lost my last living grandparent, my beloved 19-year-old cat, and a very close and longtime friend, and my Joanie just started full-time public school (which means, after eight years of having a kid by my side basically around the clock, I have 35 hours a week to myself – amen!). In the midst of all of that have been lots of other big and small milestones, too: health scares and diagnoses; some travel; my parents retired and moved back to the states after 40+ years abroad; I turned 40; friends got married and divorced; we elected a monster to the highest office in the free world. You know – the usual.

And now, here we are: on the brink of a new decade – one in which there will be more losses, I’m sure, and hopefully more dreams fulfilled. If I’m lucky, I’ll turn fifty (as will my husband and most of my friends). At the end of the next decade I’ll have a kid in college and another in high school, and I’ll be thinking about empty-nesting. It seems crazy to consider it – like it’s all off so far in the future, but then, the past decade flew by so why wouldn’t the next one go by even faster? I think it probably will. And so, I’m considering it: I’m considering what lessons I want to bring from this past decade into the next and what I hope to accomplish over the next ten years.

I’m also thinking about this site and my plans for it. I hope that this space continues to be a place where people can share their struggles and get help, advice, commiseration, inspiration, and maybe sometimes a kick in the butt when needed. As my own interests expand and shift, so does my relationship to this space. I am open to suggestions for what you’d like to see — more or less of — here. You may have noticed I’m answering fewer letters on a weekly basis and that’s mostly due in part to receiving fewer letters that move me to respond. How should I fill the space when I don’t have a letter that I feel called to answer? Do you feel satisfied having just the message board on those days, or is there some other kind of content you’d love to see? What features that I’ve posted less frequently do you miss (if any)?

There are ten weeks left in this decade. What’s been your personal story of the past ten years, and what kinds of plans and hopes and fears do you have for the next ten?

This week in the forums we’re discussing:

How do I properly communicate with women?

Long-term marital dispute thread

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

My brother, who was my only sibling, and his wife raised their children Presbyterian. He’s now deceased and my sister-in-law, nephew, and nieces are all scattered. We all live many miles apart in different states. I have a limited but loving relationship with them. Once in a blue moon I might receive a Chanukah card. Holidays are bittersweet. What are your thoughts? — Bittersweet

You need to figure out what aspects are most important to you about the holidays you celebrate and then take a more active role in fostering those aspects. Since you mention friends and family, I will assume that sharing the holidays with people you love is among the most important aspects. You say your friend of 22 years, whom you live next door to, doesn’t express holiday greetings to you. It may be that she doesn’t understand their significance or even know when the Jewish holidays are. If the holidays are important to you and it’s important that your friend understand that, why don’t you invite her to share some of your holiday traditions? Have you ever invited her over for a Passover seder, for example, or a Hanukkah dinner? Hanukkah would be simple because it isn’t the most religious of the holidays and can be observed with a simple prayer, lighting of the menorah, and eating some traditional dishes – like latkes and jelly donuts—-and who doesn’t like fried potatoes and jelly-filled sweets? If you want your friend(s) to know the importance of holidays to you, teach them a little bit about them and share some of the traditions.

If your friend still fails to acknowledge the holidays even after you try to include her in some of your celebrating, let it go. I suspect the bigger issue here isn’t that your friend doesn’t wish you a “Happy Passover!”; it’s that you feel lonely. Regardless of religion, the holidays one celebrates can exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Are you a current member of a synagogue? If not, join one. If you already belong to one, look for ways you can take a more active role in the community. My family belongs to a synagogue where there is no shortage of ways to gather in fellowship with other members. There are opportunities for singles to mingle, there are shabbat dinners at the synagogue, picnics, even opportunities to host shabbat dinners with other members that you’re randomly matched with (we did this once and hosted two families we’d never met before). If there are any opportunities like that at your synagogue, sign up! Instead of looking to non-Jews – your Presbyterian SIL and her kids, your Catholic friend — to fill the hole you feel during Jewish holidays, look to the Jews! They get it (the significance of the holidays, that is), so half the work is already done. The other half of the work is about them getting to know you (and vice versa).

 
There are some things I don’t understand about your letter and the decisions you’ve made. For example, if you were certain you’d be moving back to your hometown after your divorce was finalized, why didn’t you? You don’t explain what happened. Was it meeting your boyfriend that changed things? Were you not able to find a job? What? And then:
Why would you just accept your boyfriend’s statement that he could do his job anywhere without discussing what, exactly, that meant for him? Especially after a long and tumultuous divorce – after which your daughter was essentially abandoned by her father—-why would you then move in with a man without having a very clear idea of whether your goals and plans aligned? If you were committed to moving back to your hometown, why on earth would you not make sure your boyfriend was 100% up for that, too? He had at least one kid under the age of 18; did it not occur to you that he might not want to move away from that child? Did you not think to ask him about that, to make sure he was willing to do that?

It sounds like you made some assumptions based on what YOU wanted and not based on any discussion with your boyfriend. You moved in with him with your daughter and now she thinks of him as a dad and you two are fighting all the time and can’t agree about moving. It was a really, really big mistake to move your daughter in with him without having these things figured out in advance.

I’m concerned, given your history of making assumptions based on what you want (vs. reality), that you might also be envisioning certain things about moving to your hometown that may not materialize. For example, how involved in your life do you think your brother and his wife and their three kids will be and vice versa? How involved in each other’s lives are you now? You live only two hours apart from each other; if you aren’t making concerted efforts to see each other now, you may be surprised to find that that might not change much when you live in the same town. They have a life there already – full of kids’ activities, family friends, and events and occasions they’ve likely been celebrating a certain way for years. They may not make space for you in their life in the way you are envisioning – it may not be the kind of space you are expecting. You will still need to make a life for yourself and your daughter that is separate from them. That’s not to say you shouldn’t move – there are so many benefits to living close to family, especially with cousins who are close in age to your daughter – but I want you to really think about what life might be like once you move based on what you know it is like now. And, of course, don’t move without a job and a home lined up!

As for your boyfriend, if you’re fighting all the time after only six months of living together and you feel like he wasn’t honest about the potential of his moving, it’s probably best to end things and move on. These are very real, legitimate concerns that speak to how you communicate and how well your needs are met. Alternatively, you could keep the relationship for the time-being and try doing the long-distance thing once you move. You might find the distance to be really good for your relationship, relieving pressure to set up a home together and making decisions about your future together. But you’d have to commit to making a life for yourself and your daughter in your home town, independent of your boyfriend — one that he can visit regularly but that is not dependent on him to function.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

Groom sexually assaulted a bridesmaid days before getting married. The craziest part is the bride still married him two days later.

Here’s Why [Maybe] You Never See Your Friends Anymore

‘Modern Love’ Disappointingly Delivers a Retrograde Version of Romantic Relationships

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

I offered my shoulder to cry on as he sounds down in the dumps. I do love him a lot. But I do not think we will get past this situation. I specifically told him when we met that I don’t date guys with children because I don’t have time for baby mama drama. Please, please, please: your guidance would be much appreciated. — Having Doubts

I’m not sure what you want me to say? By your account, you never trusted Robert – even from the “get-go” you had “doubts.” You’ve broken up – what? — ten, twelve times now? You “break up to make up” and consider it cheating if either of you has relations with anyone else during one of your breakups. So… are these not really breakups? You actually believe Robert when he tells you he had only a “one-nght-stand” with his ex during one of your breakups? I mean, come on. You’re 31 and behaving this way? It’s time to grow up, stop being naive, stop being such a drama addict, and stop being so freaking passive.

Nothing at all – not one thing you wrote in all these paragraphs (and all the ones I edited out for brevity) suggest you’re an active participant in your life. For example, you get mad at your boyfriend for not making holiday plans with you after you tell him you’ll be working and then you breakup with him for two weeks when he does his own thing. It’s like you’re setting him up to fail. When someone asks what you’re doing and your hope is that you do something with him, fucking say that! Don’t say, “I’ll be working,” which indicates that you don’t have time or interest to make plans. When you break up with someone, BREAK UP. Don’t hold your partner to the rules of a monogamous relationship if you’re actually broken up. And if you aren’t actually broken up, don’t call it a break-up! Call it an argument or taking some personal time or whatever.

I mean, really, this is all basic being an adult 101. If you don’t even have these very rudimentary skills of functioning in an adult relationship, I’d take Robert’s suggestion for therapy and run with it (except, go solo – not with him). You cannot take these awful skills of manipulation and dysfunction from your relationship with Robert and apply them to the next relationship. You have to learn how to be a grown-up who trusts her gut, follows her instinct, clearly expresses her needs, and respects boundaries. You have to grow up. And if, at 31, you haven’t been able to do so on your own – either because you lacked good role models growing up or you’re really immature or you’ve been deeply damaged in some way and need help healing – it’s time to get the professional support that will get you where you need to be in order to have successful, happy, functional relationships.

 
My gut feeling is that you are probably treating women like potential job candidates that you’re interviewing. Your line of questioning is likely coming across as very goal-oriented, which is understandable since your goal is to find a match or someone to date. But when you think about getting a match or getting a date as the ultimate goal, you suck any potential fun out of the equation and you ignore the better goal of seeing if there’s a spark.

Finding a spark is one of those things that’s hard to quantify and even harder to manifest. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to manifest. The spark is either there or it isn’t. No amount of “correct answers” or even right questions is going to create the spark. The spark is created by chemistry – by something that is almost entirely out of your control. Your job, essentially, is to get out of the spark’s way – quick blocking it with your pursuit of a goal and let it do its thing. The key is, you really don’t need to say much at these speed dating events or even online. What you need to do is to present a great image – in person you want to dress well, groom yourself well, have a flattering haircut, have good breath, smell nice. Post photos on your dating profiles that feature you in good lighting, with a warm smile, dressed in flattering clothes, and occasionally in locations that give some indication what your interests might be.

Listen more than you talk. Respond to interesting points made in profiles or in-person conversations. Ask questions with easy answers, like: do you have any upcoming travel plans? Have you seen any good movies lately? Do you have any pets? These are simple conversation-starters that get you – and the other person – out of the way of a potential spark. The answers to the questions are almost irrelevant – except for their potential to lead to a conversation; the real point of them is to establish a neutral tone from which you can gauge attraction and chemistry. These things are actually more important than whether you share common interests. Interests can be established and can and do change over time; chemistry is either there or it isn’t.

Finally, the “proper approach to talk to women” is pretty much the same as talking to anyone. Women are people, after all. We aren’t a great mystery you need to solve. And if you’re meeting women in specific spaces created for match-making, whether it’s online or in person, there’s a good chance the women are feeling a lot of the same things you are: a little (or a lot of) anxiety, some excitement, maybe frustration. Focusing on putting others at ease can have a wonderful effect of putting yourself at ease, too (and, again, makes space for that spark to shine). When all else fails, “you have a great smile,” is a simple way to ease a little tension.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

This week in the forums we’re discussing:

How do I properly communicate with women?

“His Parents Practically Live With Us”

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

I am so in love with this man, but If his parents are part of the package, I don’t know if I can handle it; I have enough anxiety as it is. Do you have any advice? — Scared future daughter-in-law

It’s not a question of whether Adam’s parents are part of the package; they *are* part of the package. When you marry someone, you marry into his or her family, and Adam has made clear to you what his parents’ expectations are of the way their grandchildren will be raised. Thus, the question becomes: Is Adam prepared and willing to disregard his parents’ expectations and to raise his children outside his parents’ religious sect?

You say it’s too early for you to be thinking about children, but if you are thinking about marriage — which you are — is isn’t too early to be thinking about and discussing your hypothetical children and how you’ll raise them. In fact, not only is it not too early, but it’s also actually essential that you have these conversations about children — even if you don’t plan to have children for many years. (Here are some other topics you need to discuss before you get married!). The reason why it’s so important to discuss children — whether you want them, how you plan to raise them (including what religion, if any, they’ll be raised in) — is to determine whether you and your partner’s idea of parenthood match up. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, for example, you shouldn’t get married no matter how much you love each other. Likewise, if one of you plans to raise his kids in a strict Muslim sect and the other does not want to raise her kids in a strict Muslim sect, you shouldn’t get married no matter how much you love each other. You wouldn’t be a match.

Right now you and Adam are at the point where you have to determine whether or not your parenting goals match up, and based on what you’ve shared in your letter, it would seem that they do not. But maybe you’re making some assumptions that haven’t been thoroughly discussed yet. You say you “believe” Adam might agree to your compromise, but his parents won’t. Well, believing something and knowing for sure because it’s been communicated are two different things and you need to find out for sure where Adam stands, how much influence his parents have on him, and what his expectations are of you and of your life together should you have children.

Even if Adam decides to create those boundaries with his parents that you say you have with yours, and he disregards their wishes in favor of his own, his parents will still be “part of the package.” There is a very high chance that if their son essentially turns his back on their religion by marrying an atheist and raising children outside their sect, they will resent you for it. You say you have “enough anxiety as it is,” and that if his parents are part of the package – and they are — that you don’t know if you “can handle it.” These are pretty good reasons not to marry someone who comes from a faith you have a fundamental problem with — a faith that is a big part of his family’s identity and life.

The bottom line is that love is not enough to build a life with someone. It’s a big component of a successful and happy marriage, of course, but it’s far from the only one. If you disagree on such major issues as how to raise your children, all the love in the world isn’t going to spare you the impossible hurdles such divisions will create. Tough conversations with Adam and meeting his parents in a few weeks will help give you the clarity you need to decide whether this relationship has a future. You need to summon the strength to walk away if it you determine that it doesn’t.

 
No, you definitely have zero obligation to tell your ex-husband you’re seeing someone, and you shouldn’t. I can understand how, after 17 years together, you might still have an urge to share things with your ex, but don’t. Your marriage is over and, with no kids together, there’s literally no good reason to reach out to him with news about your dating life (and in fact, doing so might even seem manipulative). As for the guy you’re seeing: Don’t try to “convince” people about anything related to your relationship. They can speculate all they want — people always will! — but the details are none of their damn business, and what they think honestly isn’t any of yours. Free yourself from the burden of worrying about everyone’s opinions about your personal life and just… live! It’s a wonderful gift you can give yourself (and the person you’re dating).

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

 
If not a single soul approaches, it could be because you’re intimidating or you send out vibes that you don’t want to be bothered. If there are men you’re interested in, you should show interest in them, maybe ask them out. You could also tell these people from work that you’re interested in dating someone and if they know anyone who’d be a good match for you, you’d love to meet them. Let people know you’re available, cultivate an air of availability and interest, turn your light on, and quit thinking of 40 as some sort of death sentence. There are lots of benefits that come from being a woman in her forties!

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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