Dan is just absolutely hung up on the idea of a house without a mortgage despite the fact that he recently came into a great deal of money. I understand a mortgage can be financially trying but many people seem to manage. Also, he said he’d rather use this inheritance to buy things and go on trips instead of spending it on a mortgage. He has already spent a good portion of it on “man toys.” He could be using this money to buy a place of our own, and trips and toys are of little importance to me.
This house will never feel like my own. It is full of his family’s things and memories. I am not comfortable living with his family and I don’t care for the house itself. He is a very busy person who likes to help out others at the expense of our time together, and I feel that, if we lived elsewhere, maybe we could focus on us and our future. Our relationship already revolves around him and his schedule, and I am expected to adjust so he can go about without any change to his life.
I don’t want to get married until we live together, alone, in our own home. Some place neutral and new where we could establish ourselves and find stability before we take the leap. I do not want to move from the area, but all of his neighbors and friends are centered here and I feel like I am just an addition to his collection he has gathered around him.
I have absolutely no say and there is no compromise. His mind is made. I am the one who looks bad for putting our life on hold by refusing to move in. I suggested he live there only for a short while to save money for a different place and he says maybe one day, like five years from now. This would mean pushing back getting married, having a family, and our life together in general. This house is apparently more important than me, and it hurts that he won’t consider my opposition. Why do I have to make change and not him? How can we make an equal life together when he is obviously just incorporating me into his? — Put On Hold
So, your fiancé doesn’t consider you or your feelings when making huge life (and financial) decisions that would very much affect you, your relationship revolves around him and his schedule, his actions don’t suggest he cares about your desires at all but simply wants you to adapt to his life and choices, he invests his time in other people before you, and you feel like nothing more than an addition to his already-full life? And you want to marry him WHY? Because, at 24, you’re ready for a marriage and family and stability? Well, this isn’t the man who is going to give it to you. He is showing you his colors very vibrantly, and you can either choose to see them and MOA before you invest more wasted time in this going-nowhere relationship, or you can continue burying your head in the sand hoping he will somehow decide that you and your desires are important to him and will begin compromising and making decisions with you jointly. I wouldn’t hold out on the latter. And the former, as much as it will hurt in the short-term, is your best bet for getting the life you eventually want. You’re not going to get it with this guy. MOA and make yourself available for someone who will have more interest in you as an equal partner and not just an addition to his life.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]arwendy.com.