Can you believe we’re in March again and this marks three years since the pandemic started? How are things feeling for you? Do you think you’re in a better place – whatever that means for you – than you were before the pandemic? Worse? Have things been getting notably easier or better in the past year? I notice that I feel a lot more like myself just in the past six months or so. Like, mental health-wise. Physically, I was sick for months after I got Covid again in July and then had a steady string of viruses and illnesses through most of the fall and early winter. I have felt physically fine for almost two months now though, and wow, what a difference that makes!
Hope you’re doing well, and if you’re not doing as great as you’d like, then I hope the weekend provides a respite from some of the challenges and a chance to recharge. Here are a few links you might like, including a weird new device meant to help navigate long-distance relationships and my favorite book of the past year that I just finished reading:
Birds of a feather really do flock together…
Hmm, not sure what I think about this article, “Why Friends Don’t Let Friends Co-Ruminate, Backed by Considerable Organizational Psychology,” about the harms of venting to friends or, as the author calls it: “co-ruminating,” describing it like this:
“An employee slumps into a chair in your office and vents. A colleague stops by to complain. A friend calls to share their frustrations. You listen. You empathize. You make sure they feel heard. That’s what caring, compassionate people do. Besides, venting is good for us. Without some sort of outlet, we’ll blow.
No and no: According to a Stanford University study, 30 minutes of complaining physically damages your hippocampus — the part of your brain that plays a major role in learning, memory, and problem solving — by peeling back layers of neurons. (Yuck.) Unfortunately, that happens whether you’re venting or receiving. Complaining is also contagious; as a number of studies show, negative emotions tend to be more contagious than positive ones — which means we’re not just more likely to absorb negative emotions, we’re more likely to vent our own.”
Thirty minutes is an excessive amount of time to vent about something, but a few minutes here and there? Isn’t listening to friends vent on occasion kind of part of the gig? I bet no women, who tend to make better, more empathetic listeners, were involved in that Stanford study.
It’s gettin’ weird out there: “The solution to long-distance relationships? A virtual kissing machine”
The marriage rate across the US is down 60% since 1970. As explained here, the rate began declining when the ban on employment discrimination was lifted, “which let women enter the workforce. In 1972, Title Nine passed, which helped more women get into college. In addition, women were allowed to have credit cards, file for bank loans, and take birth control, which they weren’t allowed to do prior to the 1970s.”
Do you schedule sex? Experts think doing so could save a troubled relationship.
Ugh: Tennessee Bans Drag Shows in Public Places and A Woman Has Been Charged With Allegedly Taking Abortion Pills
I shared this story on my IG stories, but in case you missed it and need a lil feel-good something, read about how Flaco the Central Park zoo owl escaped his life-long captivity to live on the lam in New York City, evading his potential captors (until they gave up trying to catch him) and learning to hunt and feed himself for the first time in his life.
I just finished The Crane Wife, a memoir in essays, the title one of which went viral a few years ago when it was published in The Paris Review. It’s my favorite book of the past year and I recommend it if you love personal essays, memoirs about love in different shapes and forms, and are a recovering theater kid or other type of misfit or weirdo.
![\"\"](\"https://d5nxst8fruw4z.cloudfront.net/atrk.gif?account=r/y/j1a0Sn00OI\")
Ange March 3, 2023, 10:49 pm
I finally got covid for the first time this week, it’s not been much fun. My husband blasted out sweat for a day and a half, then he was back to normal. I’m exhausted and hacking up a lung still but I think I’ll be ok hopefully next week. Thank god for vaccines. That there are people would willingly take this on unprotected is a true testament to the power of disinformation and political manipulation.
Dear Wendy March 4, 2023, 10:13 am
Feel better soon!
ktfran March 4, 2023, 11:09 am
Feel better Ange!
Kate March 4, 2023, 12:44 pm
I hope you are better soon! You have an immune condition right?
Ange March 4, 2023, 4:57 pm
Thanks all! Definitely on the mend, just have to keep an eye on this cough.
I’m immune compromised because of RA so even with 4 vaccines I knew I would get some level of sick, it hit me like a truck at first. I think the shots were a huge factor in how I avoided it for so long though, especially since my husband had it in the same house.
ktfran March 4, 2023, 11:07 am
I haven’t read the venting article yet, so maybe they give suggestions for how to work out frustrations? To me, occasional venting seems healthier than bottling up negative emotions. The premise seems weird to me.
Kate March 4, 2023, 12:11 pm
There are two big owls in my neighborhood all of a sudden! We got footage of both of them together after seeing a single one twice. They’re barred owls with spooky ass faces and huge black eyes. Not as cute as Flaco!
Also, on venting… I do have a friend at work who always wants to hop on a zoom and vent about everything, and it gets to feeling really negative and just unproductive. A little goes a long way. I have two other friends who I meet with at 4:40 on Wednesdays to “bitch,” and that’s a little different because with those two it’s actually funny, we joke around while bitching and that’s a lot better. With the first friend I mentioned it can get tiresome and energy-sapping. You need solidarity at work but you don’t need to start dragging each other down.
Dear Wendy March 4, 2023, 12:45 pm
“A little goes a long way” is right! I think it’s healthy and normal to vent with friends and loved ones on occasion – even on a regular occasion, like weekly. But the key is to not let it overtake the whole conversation or get-together. A few minutes or venting and commiserating and then move on. I can’t stand it when people just complain nonstop. I’ve faded out of friendships that revolved around nonstop complaining. But I’d also leave a friendship that didn’t make room for a few minutes of venting here and there.
ktfran March 4, 2023, 12:46 pm
Oh, totally agree. If it’s constant, that negativity gets old. I personally don’t keep that kind of negative energy in my life. I do have someone on my team who’s kind of doom and gloom so anytime I have a company announcement, I have to go the extra positive route, even if I don’t feel positive, so she doesn’t drag everyone down.
I’m thinking more the occasional venting with friends or people you’re close to is ok and actually good for you.
Kate March 4, 2023, 1:52 pm
My tendency is to complain, so I have to watch it when I get with people like myself, because we can overdo it. But absolutely, some venting is normal, fine, and even healthy! I don’t like when people are toxically positive and won’t tolerate any negativity. I don’t want to be a downer but I do want to keep
It real.
Ange March 4, 2023, 5:28 pm
I work with a bloke like that. He’s American and likes to play like he’s a bit oppressed because he’s a white American man who has been told he’ll never fit in over here. There’s no reflection that he’s a huge complainer that alienates people and that’s why he’s been told these things but anyway.
He got so bad my old boss told him to call someone to vent because he was causing so much conflict. Guess who that lucky punter was?! Forty five minutes at a stretch multiple times a week. The worst part is he isn’t the worst person ever, he just fails to see his own role in his misery.
Copa March 4, 2023, 6:12 pm
My first job out of school, I was 25. I was there for a few years and became very close friends with the other women at work who were my age. We’d go out after work regularly. This happened to be during a time of major transition for our company, which made work frustrating. Our happy hours eventually became heavy on complaints and in hindsight I see how that perpetuated negativity. It was a cycle. No regrets about the friendships I made there, but have been more mindful about work friendship dynamics since.
I have a friend I’ve known since HS who is constantly complaining. I don’t see her often because we’re in different states now, so we’ve naturally drifted apart, but I think I’d have faded her out by now if we lived nearby. She can be exhausting, IDK how her boyfriend deals.
I think there’s a happy medium. It’s great to get it out and then move on. I also dislike toxic positivity.
One kind of funny aspect of working hybrid alongside the boyfriend, who is f/t remote, is that we see each other after those work interactions that make you want to tear your hair out. He knows my few work nemeses by name now in a way he didn’t before. I can say something to him in the moment when we’re both reloading on coffee in the kitchen, then move on.
Kate March 4, 2023, 6:17 pm
Yeah, my husband hears me doing 1:1s and quarterly check-ins with my reports. And just general zoom meetings. He’s familiar with my boss’s persona 😭
Kate March 4, 2023, 6:18 pm
The other day he thought I wasn’t taking a pissed enough tone with my one bro who isn’t meeting expectations. I’m like, “you’re not meeting expectations.” 💀
ktfran March 4, 2023, 7:58 pm
I do have a work colleague that I vent to quite a bit and vice versa. Maybe every few weeks. We also try to figure out how to make it better. We bounce ideas off one another. Or ask one another how to handle situations.
I do think there’s a difference between constantly being negative/pessimistic and venting.
The one woman in my first post, I call her doomsday. Obviously not to her face. She reports to me. But she’s for sure doomsday. It’s why I have to balance her out when the company goes through yet another change. I’m not all roses. I’ll say I know it’s an an adjustment and the transition might be hard. But I’m a manager so can’t show too much negativity to my team. Actually, about a decade ago, we were going through massive layoffs. She was on the chopping block but we had to get rid of a better employee because HR thought she’d sue. That’s insane!!! She’s gotten a little better.
Instead the other coworker and I do the venting to one another. I always feel better after getting something off my chest instead of letting it fester.
Copa March 5, 2023, 10:26 am
I don’t have anyone at work to vent to at this point. I’ve never had that person at this job. It may actually be a contributing factor in why I’m starting to look around. (On which note, I have another screening interview tomorrow!) Like, I feel like I just have to internalize everything going on at work. Some people outside of work know (sister, bf, a few friends), but I don’t think anyone really understands why I’m so frustrated because they’re not there.
Kate March 5, 2023, 10:57 am
That’s another reason it can be great to go work somewhere with a friend. My boss is BONKERS and getting more so by the day, and it really helps for us all to check in on each other and get that assurance that it’s not you. We don’t bring new people in on it until they have a breakdown and come to us. Just the other day one of the relatively newer women broke down in tears to me and my friend who i had worked with 15 years ago and now work with again. So at that point we filled her in and set up a text for back-channel communication.
ktfran March 5, 2023, 1:08 pm
My “venting” coworker and I live close to one another, so we’ll meet up for afternoon coffee breaks, walk around a bit and chat. It’s pretty great to have her. We’re both mkting managers, but for different areas of the company. I’m also comfortable discussing pay, etc. with her, which is super helpful.
Copa March 6, 2023, 12:26 pm
I never felt like I had much to vent about pre-COVID. It was the layoffs during and voluntary departures after we went hybrid where I started to feel frustrated.
In other news, I wish I lived in a state with salary transparency laws. I was supposed to do a screening interview today but received an email that my salary expectations — required in the applications process and they requested a number value — are “significantly” higher than what the job pays and asking if I’d still like to proceed with the interview. No mention of the salary, which you’d think they’d offer me at this point to help me decide if it’s worth anyone’s while to proceed. No. I had to write back ask to learn it’d be a pay cut. Ugh.
Ange March 5, 2023, 5:44 pm
Wendy, I’ve just noticed a heap of emails from WordPress in my spam folder saying I’ve opened a support ticket. The email address looks legit and it appears for specific threads I’ve commented on. Not sure what is happening or if you get those but it’s definitely not something I’m doing intentionally, hopefully it doesn’t blow back on you.
Copa March 5, 2023, 6:32 pm
I’ve also been getting these! It happens when I comment on posts like this one, not the forums.
Dear Wendy March 5, 2023, 8:31 pm
Thank you for letting me know. Let me see if I can figure out what’s going on. Did it just start this week?
ktfran March 5, 2023, 8:36 pm
Same. And yes. I think just this week.
I just delete automatically.
Ange March 5, 2023, 9:00 pm
Yes it looks like only over the last week or so.
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 5:23 am
Thanks. It happened to me on this post and I have no idea what’s causing it but I’ll see what I can find out today.
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 10:52 am
I think I may have fixed it? If you’re still getting the weird email notifications, please let me know. Thanks!
Copa March 6, 2023, 12:28 pm
I just left a comment above re: work stuff and got another support ticket email in doing so! Just FYI.
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 1:51 pm
Well, crap!
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 1:54 pm
Is it from something called iBrain?
ktfran March 6, 2023, 3:42 pm
It is Wendy, from iBrain.
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 3:50 pm
Thanks. Not sure how they got into my site, but am working on it. Please let me know if you are continuing to get these emails from them.
ktfran March 6, 2023, 7:42 pm
I didn’t get a notice from them on my last comment. So hopefully good!
Dear Wendy March 6, 2023, 7:51 pm
Great – thank you!
Dear Wendy March 5, 2023, 8:40 pm
Test