Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Links, January 25

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:


“The Mysteriously Memorable 20s: Why do we remember more from young adulthood than from any other time of our lives?” [via Slate]

“Being Married Helps Professors Get Ahead, but Only If They’re Male” [via The Atlantic]

“A Letter to the Guy Who Harassed Me Outside the Bar” [via Role Reboot]

“The 11 Days of the Year When People Watch the Least Amount of Porn” [via Jezebel]

“Why Your Man’s Laziness May Be Your Fault” [via Yahoo! Shine]

“High school senior comes out as LGBT while accepting award” [via Yahoo News]

My fellow documentary-lovers may be familiar with Linda Riss Pugach, the wife featured in “Crazy Love” who married the man who was responsible for blinding her when he hired three men to throw lye in her face. She died this week. [via The New York Times]

“Dads Caring for Their Kids: It’s Parenting, Not Babysitting” [via The Atlantic]

In case, like me, you loved the poem that Richard Blanco read at the inauguration on Monday, you can read the full text here. [via ABC News]

I also loved this: “23 Reasons Sasha And Malia Stole The Inauguration” [via Buzzfeed]

And this moment when Obama, heading to the Capitol, turned back toward the mall and said, “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.”


Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

56 comments… add one
  • Addie Pray January 25, 2013, 12:04 pm

    That Obama moment made me teary-eyed.

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    • jlyfsh January 25, 2013, 12:09 pm

      yeah i liked his smile at the end, it look like a happy/tired/nostalgic/overwhelming moment.

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    • bethany January 25, 2013, 12:21 pm

      Awww… I liked that, too. It’s nice to see him appreciating the moment.

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    • TaraMonster January 25, 2013, 1:20 pm

      I know, right! It’s his last expression as he decides he’s taken it in enough and is satisfied that he’s committed it to memory that’s the best. It was such a personal moment, and you have to wonder what a world leader thinks about at moments like that, and what all the other moments in his life look like, and how they all add up to inform who he is.

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  • GatorGirl January 25, 2013, 12:09 pm

    I love Sasha and Malia. They are awesome.

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  • ktfran January 25, 2013, 12:13 pm

    Michelle Obama’s dress was awesome. And I loved her bangs. She looked pretty amazing.

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  • CaraM January 25, 2013, 12:23 pm

    I read that article about marriage for history professors earlier this week and it just made me depressed. The study only looked at history professors, but that is the field I am going into, and it just brought up more of the issues I’ve already been thinking about. Everything with academia can be so unstable, especially since my boyfriend and I are both history grad students and hoping to end up with academic positions: when to get married, when to have kids, etc.

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    • GatorGirl January 25, 2013, 1:21 pm

      My fiance is a Phd candidate in history and I find this article to be very true. If you look at the professors and heads of his department- all most all are male and almost all are married.

      I also think it’s interesting because I knew going into our relationship that my career would have to take a back seat to his. Which I am totally fine with.

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      • CaraM January 25, 2013, 2:48 pm

        Yeah, I thought the article was pretty spot on with a lot of the norms and attitudes. But my university is a bit different in that a lot of the professors are married women with kids, some of whom are married to other professors, so there’s hope for me! When you have one spouse who is willing to be more flexible and sacrifice for the other, it can work really well, but if you are an academic couple who both want to have careers, it gets harder.

      • Eagle Eye January 25, 2013, 3:34 pm

        Yeah, we’ve been sticking with the whole “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it approach.”

        But yes, there is something deeply flawed (or just plain annoying) that society makes it so difficult for two partners to both necessarily need to find meaning in their work and careers. That it is structured in such as way that having two academics is only a hindrance.

      • GatorGirl January 25, 2013, 4:01 pm

        I’m actually really glad I’m not in acedemia. I can’t imagine trying to find such a specialized position for two people in a similar location. Luckily right now I work from home, but what I do (bookkeeping/office management) is easily transferable to almost any location.

        I wish you both the best of luck!

      • Eagle Eye January 25, 2013, 4:11 pm

        Heh, yeah, my boyfriend and I often joke how much we wished we could do (or at least be happy doing) something other than academia – because its not a particularly pleasant existence – and wouldn’t it be nice if once of us was really into finance and Wall St instead!

      • Sara January 25, 2013, 4:05 pm

        I just crossed that bridge… a second time… with unsatisfactory results. (pity party for myself.)

      • Eagle Eye January 25, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Ugh, we’re working on crossing our first bridge in a few months, its amazing how many opportunities are SO GOOD for my professional life and just SO BAD for my personal life.

        So, perhaps the ostrich approach is best?

      • CaraM January 25, 2013, 5:11 pm

        I have been trying not to think about it! I am about a year away from finishing (fingers crossed!) and will cross that bridge when I come to it! My situation is even more complicated by the fact that I’m American and my boyfriend is Canadian… But I have too many other things to sass about it too much at this point!

      • Sara January 25, 2013, 5:23 pm

        My only advice, having (almost) been through this twice, is to be honest with yourself before you make a decision about what you truly (and only truly) need to be happy. Don’t compromise on happiness but be willing to compromise on items not on that list. And, if an opportunity is temporary, or you can treat is at temporary, don’t be afraid to try it out (like, maybe I don’t have to stay here until I achieve tenure if it makes sense to live with my spouse again).

      • rachel January 25, 2013, 5:19 pm

        Yeah, my boyfriend and I are long distance right now because of this problem. And it’ll just come up again once we’re done with our postdocs.

  • bittergaymark January 25, 2013, 12:35 pm

    The video of the gay or bisexual kid is AMAZING. I have so, so, so been there.

    He certainly won’t have trouble finding dates now either. Damn. Looks, brains, and courage. Talk about one tidy package.

    PS: Having been HOUSESITTING with cable access all week, I must again thank the show GIRLS for so clearly illustrating again and again everything bad that I have ever said here on DEAR WENDY about twent-ysomething females as (apparently) being so profoundly true… Oh, and showing me so many new ones.. Yikes… is all I will say to the ongoing popularity of GIRLS. Just yikes…

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    • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 12:38 pm

      I watched 2 episodes while playing on my phone (so wasn’t concentrating too much). Weird show. Also, if I wanted to watch the “average 20something” get banged, I’d videotape myself. Coulda done without seeing that.

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      • bittergaymark January 25, 2013, 12:44 pm

        Filming yourself naked when you look like crap and don’t make any effort regarding your appearance has been hailed world-over as “brave.” Whatever, to me it’s just shamelessly and deludedly narcissistic. But hey, that’s one of my main beefs about twenty-something fame-whores who were born on third and keep right on claiming they hit a home run. Surprise, surprise…

      • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 12:49 pm

        oh snap! The whole show was weird, but that stuck out the most. Actually, my bf was half asleep next to me when I was watching and woke up, saw the sexing and was like, oh what are you watching? thinking it would lead to us having sex. I told him I was getting turned off at the idea of having sex. He doesn’t like the show either now 🙂

      • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 12:52 pm

        Plus, do most girls not care what they look like when they are having sex? Honest question. I care, I mean, not the entire time, but I like to look good during it. The hotter I feel, the better sex I’m having. Same if I think he thinks I look hot.

      • GatorGirl January 25, 2013, 1:34 pm

        I care. I definitely put a little effort into things. Not like put on make up but if I know it’s on the table for the evening I brush my hair and thrown a cute bra and make sure my deoderant is working.

      • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 2:01 pm

        Yea, I’m not putting on makeup either (unless its already on), but I do like to look good. I’ve lost some pounds recently and I know I’m enjoying sex more because of it. Not that i didn’t before, or that I felt like he wouldn’t like me as much heavier or anything. Just a personal self esteem boost I guess. Curious how everyone else feels about this.

      • bethany January 25, 2013, 2:09 pm

        My poor husband. I have to say that I don’t care at all what I look like during… I need to step things up a bit.

      • kerrycontrary January 25, 2013, 2:20 pm

        eh I usually try to look good in front of my boyfriend. Not like totally made up, but I don’t feel good about myself anytime (even if I’m alone) if I look like a total slob kabob. You can’t avoid mirrors all day long! Sometimes I like looking extra good for it, but i figure most of the time I look presentable and clean.

    • LadyinPurpleNotRed January 25, 2013, 12:41 pm

      I agree with you and I’m a twenty something…I can’t stand girls and am appalled by it. If females my age really are like that…not something to be proud of.

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    • kerrycontrary January 25, 2013, 1:56 pm

      I like girls, but a TV does not equal real life. So…even though you watch it on HBO it’s not “profoundly true”

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      • bittergaymark January 28, 2013, 4:53 am

        The fact that so many of you find such wretched examples of your sex as worthy entertainment is what makes it so in my opinion…

    • Addie Pray January 25, 2013, 2:08 pm

      I love Girls, I find it refreshingly real. And yea depressing, but realistic. I wouldn’t want to be a young 20 something year old ever again. And I like that the show doesn’t glorify those years.

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      • rachel January 25, 2013, 2:15 pm


      • kerrycontrary January 25, 2013, 2:18 pm

        I like that the show exhibits a lot of the awkward situations you find yourself in when you’re in your early 20s. Like when a guy is into weird sex things, and you don’t know if its normal or not so you go home and talk to your roomate about it. Or the girl who hasn’t lost her virginity yet and is totally ashamed of it. Or the girl who has been with her boyfriend way too long but doesn’t know how to leave.

    • TheTruth January 25, 2013, 6:30 pm

      All true, but come on… he is getting the award for being in musicals… no one guessed before? I have a feeling he was probably just confirming the rumor mill.

      I haven’t yet watched Girls… I thankfully no longer have to deal with twenty-something females except in Porn, so why watch them in a series when I can watch reruns of Pawn Starts 24 hours a day instead.

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  • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 12:36 pm

    Man’s laziness article – It obviously makes sense that if you are so picky that you do it yourself, you will do more than your spouse. But that’s a choice. I’ve admitted before that I am very picky and a neat freak. I need things to be a certain way and I am constantly tidying and organizing, however, I’ll be damned if I ever feel like I do more than 1/2 the work. Another choice we have: to not accept a lazy do nothing.

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  • bethany January 25, 2013, 12:36 pm

    Really liked the “Letter to the Guy who Harassed me” article.

    I especially liked the comments I read from men who were just understanding what it’s like to be a woman in this world. Now that I live in the ‘burbs and don’t really walk around like I did when I lived in the city, it’s not something I deal with a lot, but it’s still something that’s always in the back of my mind. I’m sure it’s in the back of all of our minds.

    I remember when I used to go to a friend’s house, who only lived 4 blocks away, I’d always make sure I brought or wore sneakers, so I could outrun someone if needed, on my way home. It sucks that it has to be that way.

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    • rachel January 25, 2013, 12:48 pm

      Yay, I sent that link!

      What especially resonated with me was the “is this my rape?” part. I’ve never been raped, but I know the statistics are against me, so I’ve had basically that same thought in certain situations that I didn’t see an immediate way out of.

      And, yeah, I can very clearly remember moments of unwanted attention starting from when I was 11 years old.

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      • CatsMeow January 25, 2013, 1:43 pm

        I like this article a lot too! Thanks, Rachel.

    • Taylor January 25, 2013, 12:59 pm

      It’s a really well written article. The comments get brutal about half way down. It resonated with the piece Wendy wrote last year about what it’s like to be a woman in our times.

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    • TaraMonster January 25, 2013, 1:25 pm

      The part about clutching the key? I do that every single day, and while I already read Hollaback and already agree with and am familiar with the ideas and language in that piece, I realized I do the key thing without even thinking about it. The fact that it’s so rote for me made the piece hit home extra hard.

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    • GatorGirl January 25, 2013, 1:31 pm

      I do a lot of things the author lists. I’m sort of always looking over my shoulder. Especially when I’m out, alone at night. It sucks to feel like you are/can be a target at any time. I tried to explain to my fiance one day how strange it is to walk around every day and have the possibility to be raped. Like being a woman you kind of always have a bullseye on your chest.

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    • bethany January 25, 2013, 1:47 pm

      I was thinking about this a little more and just remembered that I had one of those scary moments last month at my freaking work Holiday Party of all places. The party was at a private club, and the bathroom was down the hall from the Ballroom where our group was. I was walking back from the bathroom, and a man was walking towards me with a look that I described to my husband as “he wanted to devour me”. He got closer and said something like “You looking for me, Sweetheart?” in a real pervy tone. Luckily my husband was standing about 30 feet behind him, so I replied “No, I’m looking for my husband” and pointed at him. The guy left it at that… But it freaked me out all night. What if Dave hadn’t been there? There was no one in that hallway but me and him, and lots of places he could have dragged me off to…. uugh.

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      • TaraMonster January 25, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Ick. That’s the worst.

        I always hate places that have bathrooms down long, dark hallways. I mean, I get why bathrooms are in the back and out of the way, but it can be creepy to be at a bar or restaurant and walk through a deserted, dark labyrinth just because I have the bladder of a pregnant woman (I’m the worst. Long car rides? You better believe we’re stopping at every rest stop!).

    • kerrycontrary January 25, 2013, 1:58 pm

      I like articles like this a lot as well. And I think it’s so sadly true that a lot of women have had a “Ok, this is my rape” moment. Or a moment where they very easily could’ve been raped if not for circumstance.

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  • Classic January 25, 2013, 1:21 pm

    These were all very interesting!
    We have such a lovely and gracious First Lady. I love the entire First Family. And Hillary Clinton.

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  • CatsMeow January 25, 2013, 1:25 pm

    Ooh! I loved “Crazy Love” and saw the obit yesterday. That is such a sad and bizarre “love” story.

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    • CatsMeow January 25, 2013, 1:27 pm

      And as we were contemplating yesterday, can you imagine if she was a LW?

      “Dear Wendy,

      I broke up with my married boyfriend so he hired some thugs to permanently disfigure and blind me. I think I’m too hideous for anyone else to love. Now he’s out of prison and he wants to marry me. Should I say yes?”

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    • katie January 25, 2013, 1:29 pm

      i had never heard of her story, but that is insane! wtf is wrong with people??

      i did see a thing on a british girl who had the same thing happen to her- but she was far, far more disfigured then just blinded. it was terrible… im really sad to learn this has happened more then once..

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      • lets_be_honest January 25, 2013, 1:46 pm

        I heard a story about a woman who faked this attack and apparently did it to herself.

      • katie January 25, 2013, 2:05 pm

        wow. thats equally insane!! wtf, people, wtf??

    • Addie Pray January 25, 2013, 2:10 pm

      I have never seen it! Now I want to. It’ll be my goal this weekend.

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  • Mr. Cellophane January 27, 2013, 1:27 pm

    Regarding the “A Letter to the Guy Who Harassed Me”. A question I have been pondering for a long time, and I feel this is the right forum to ask.

    What is an acceptable way to compliment a woman on her appearance without being seen as a creeper or harasser? For example, I was in the grocery store early one morning last week, and there was an attractive, but not “gorgeous”, younger woman there who had clearly “pulled out all the stops” regarding her appearance, maybe even a special occasion, like a job interview or something. ( it was early morning and she was very professionally dressed) Everything was perfect, hair, clothes, shoes, makeup, attitude. Everything. Enough so that even this OMFG (Old, Married, Fat Guy) noticed, and felt that she deserved a compliment. But I found that I couldn’t think of a way to approach her without coming off as “some old dude hitting on me at the deli counter”. This was a recents example, but not an uncommon situation.

    So, how do young women prefer to be approached by strangers? Not all men have nefarious intentions. Can I tell you that you look fantastic without you looking for store security or reaching for your pepper spray? Have we stooped so low

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    • Mr. Cellophane January 27, 2013, 1:35 pm

      cont’d (sorry, hit submit too soon)

      As the male of the species, that we are universally regarded as dangerous at worst or perverted at best? What if you are married? Does that mean you no longer are open to interactions with men other than your husband, or does it actually make you feel safer? Other thoughts? How would it make you feel if a strange man approached you in a public place and politely said, “Excuse me, but I think you look fantastic today.”

      I”m not trolling, fishing or looking for a fight. I sincerely want to know!

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      • Taylor January 27, 2013, 10:44 pm

        Mr. Cellophane,
        There’s always a chance when speaking with a stranger that it will be unwanted attention. That being said, if you’re thinking about giving a stranger a compliment, make sure the context isn’t creepy (you aren’t alone, it isn’t dark, you didn’t just get on an elevator with her etc.). Now, if someone approached me in public and said “Excuse me, but I think you look fantastic today” my first thought would be “Today? Wait, you know me?” I love getting compliments, but when it happens from strangers, even well intentioned ones, it’s never not a little weird to me.

      • katie January 28, 2013, 9:25 am

        if someone came up to me and said, “Excuse me, but I think you look fantastic today”, and then that was it, that wouldnt be weird to me.

        just yesterday at the grocery store i had a creepy guy experience- and he didnt even say anything to me. i *think* he was staring at my ass, very blatantly in the middle of a grocery store i might add, and then he kept staring at me. it was creepy. thats creepy. if he had said anything, even something polite and simple, he would still have been creepy because of the way he was acting towards me.

        i think it all comes down to how you carry yourself, personally.

      • Ammie January 29, 2013, 12:12 am

        I was in a store once, looking at some gloves, and an older woman came up to me and said, “I just wanted to say that I really like your outfit. It’s so rare these days to see young people looking so put-together.” If you wanted to compliment a much younger woman on her appearance, and you purely mean it the sense of effort and fashion rather than attraction, I think that’s a pretty good way to go. 🙂 It’s not a perfect compliment, in that it has to downplay the effort that her peers put into their appearance (ideally a compliment shouldn’t insult anyone, I think), but it’s better than making her wonder why the older married man is telling her she looks pretty out of the blue.

    • katie January 28, 2013, 9:22 am

      to me personally, what makes it not creepy is 1. no references to sex or my sexual body parts- so, “your ass look amazing today” and the like is creepy. something like “you look very pretty today” is not creepy. and then 2. say what you want and then leave. if you linger around/press the issue, its creepy. again, a simple “you look very pretty today” and then walk away and go about your business and dont give weird looks or anything.

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