Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Friday Open Thread and Links

Happy Friday! Hope you all have had a great week. I’m writing this during a two-hour break I have from a mostly all-day gig at the kids’ school today. It’s Hispanic Heritage month and Jackson and Joanie are in Spanish dual-language classes, so they have performances this week – Jackson’s class sang “Remember Me” (from the movie Coco) in English and Spanish this morning and it was very sweet – and then back-to-back Latin luncheons today that I’m helping to serve to roughly 275 kids (that’s just two grades and not the whole school, which is over 1000 kids!). And then this weekend we’ve got nothing planned, except a night out tomorrow for me and Drew, which I’m looking forward to. I hope to squeeze in a pilates class and a bike ride on my new-to-me bike I bought off Craigslist a few days ago to replace the one I had stolen in August. I’m also currently reading this book, recommended by my therapist, and it’s surprisingly good (but, like, really distressing, too.).

Thank you for your comments on yesterday’s post. I’m still trying to figure out the direction I want to take this site — I would love for it to remain predominantly an advice site, but I need a steady supply of engaging letters to respond to and I don’t have a lot of control over that, unfortunately — and it’s helpful to hear your thoughts. I also enjoy hearing about the changes in your lives over the past decade!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend ahead, and here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Enough Leaning In. Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out.

I’ve been getting into Poshmark lately after re-evaluating my shopping habits and wanting to do better by my budget and the environment. I’ve had great luck with getting things that fit – and for such deals! There are a couple things that didn’t fit so well and I’ve posted them to re-sell – maybe something would be of interest to you. I plan to comb through my closet and add additional items in coming weeks and months, so feel free to follow me if you’re on Poshmark (or consider joining and seeing what all the fuss is about).

25 Modern Love Essays to Read if You Want to Laugh, Cringe and Cry

Related: Should You Buy Clothes Second Hand To Reduce Your Environmental Impact? and How to Buy Clothes That Are Built to Last.

Some of these 21 Weirdest Prenup Demands Lawyers Have Ever Seen are reasonable (like 4 and 5 and 19) and some are batshit (all the rest basically). If you could put anything in a prenup clause (without negative consequence), what would it be?

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!
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36 comments… add one
  • CanadaGoose October 18, 2019, 11:13 am

    Those prenup clauses are crazy (amusing to read but I can’t believe people either asked for or signed those)!

    Enjoy your time at the school, Wendy. Those days can be exhausting but they’re fun too and memorable.

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  • Miel October 18, 2019, 1:13 pm

    After reading the two articles about re-using/reducing clothes purchase, I find myself a bit frustrated. I already have a small wardrobe composed of clothes I’ve had for 1-13 years (I’m 28), and I’m already wearing my clothes until they have holes in them. But STILL I don’t know where to find quality clothes that will last. Instead, I just carefully wear a cheap, thin, Forever 21 T-shirt for 3 years when it was obviously made to last just one season.

    Any one has suggestions for casual, but high quality clothing? My workplace is very “jeans and t-shirt” and I like to be comfortable. But I just don’t know where I can buy high-quality, durable, classic, casual clothes nowadays.

    Any suggestions are welcome…

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    • JustMax October 18, 2019, 1:40 pm

      I work in Construction – I’ve put together a “work uniform” from Duluth Trading that covers all seasons and is easy to layer for the colder months. They are not cheap ($74 for a button-down that has sun protection, flexible, machine wash, etc. )
      I usually wait for sales and get 2-3 pieces per year. I can attest to their lasting power; some of my tops are over 6 years old and you wouldn’t guess it from looking at them.

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    • Miss MJ October 18, 2019, 1:44 pm

      For second hand (which I have really gotten into lately), I like thredUp. It’s mostly “mall” stores, though — think Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Loft, J. Crew, White House/Black Market, not high end designer consignments. Everything I’ve gotten from there that’s categorized as New With Tags or Like New has been, well, either new or like new. Nothing’s ever come looking worn or damaged. And, generally speaking, I find those same brands are generally of relatively affordable and fairly good quality for what you’re describing you need, new or used.

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      • Copa October 18, 2019, 2:07 pm

        One of my friends LOVES ThredUp. My only issue with it is the restocking fee if you return an item — in theory you could order several items, keep nothing, and still be out some money.

        I live near some pretty great resale stores. Like @MissMJ, I’ve found some items that are new with tags at these stores.

        I think your best bet is to stay away from the fast fashion like Forever 21 and H&M. They’re not made to last. I used to only buy cheap jeans, but they never held up. I started spending more on jeans that seemed nicer and more durable. My favorite pair is a pair of Joe’s Jeans, and they still look like new years later. As a bonus, they were super soft from day one.

      • Miss MJ October 18, 2019, 3:32 pm

        Yeah, the restocking fee is annoying. For a few months, they stopped putting any measurements other than size up for the garments, but still charging the fee for returns, and I quit ordering from them. (I saw in the reviews of the app that there were a LOT of complaints about that because, I mean, “small” means something different to every brand, it seems.) But, they’ve restarted including chest and length measurements, which helps with sizing.

    • Kate October 18, 2019, 1:47 pm

      Why don’t you try “clothing as a service,” where you don’t own it but you get to wear it and send it back? I’m trying Haverdash, which is $59 a month and you get 3 items at a time, as many times as you want. You have to already own the basics, though, which I do think Target does a good job with jeans, tees, and other basics that are affordable and last.

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      • Kate October 18, 2019, 1:51 pm

        There’s also Amazon Basics. I just bought T-shirts from them, literally the Amazon Basics brand, and they’re very nice.

    • Kate October 18, 2019, 4:35 pm

      But definitely don’t wear anything with holes or stains. That’s taking things too far.

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  • Kate October 19, 2019, 10:18 am

    My dog is in the E/R :(. He’s had diabetes since March, and it’s been a big process to manage his blood sugar. Back in April he stayed at a wonderful place that can administer all his meds, while we went on a short trip. He’s back there this week because it’s a huge event this week in Boston that my husband has to work, and we need sleep. We’re up multiple times a night now with the dog. Anyway, they called me around 7am (right after my husband left the house, and I haven’t told him). My dog had a seizure, they found him that way this morning. They took him to the emergency vet. So I called my dad and he came over to take me up there because I didn’t want to go alone. They ran tests and they think it’s just that his blood sugar got too low. Diabetes is really complex in people and dogs. He’s not with it right now, and he’s hooked up to dextrose and a catheter. I went back there to see him briefly and pat him, and he’s resting in a little bed with a pillow and blanket. Not sure if he knew I was there. They’re hoping he will bounce back over the course of the day. The only issue is they don’t know how long he was in the seizure, and if it was a long time, well… it wouldn’t be good. So we have to wait and see. It’s so hard, with dogs. I just can’t do this again. It’s heartbreaking.

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    • TheLadyE October 19, 2019, 10:38 pm

      I’m so sorry Kate. I recently went through something similar and it is the most heartbreaking. I’ll be sending good thoughts and healing vibes to your little guy. Please keep us updated if you can.

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      • Kate October 20, 2019, 4:38 am

        I know you did, I’m sorry.

        No call in the middle of the night, and I’m supposed to check in at 9am to discuss next steps. He did stand up yesterday and seemed to be in a lot of head pain, so they gave him more drugs and he rested again. I don’t want him to be in pain. These emergency-center vets and nurses are wonderful, I will say.

      • Dear Wendy October 20, 2019, 7:59 am

        So sorry to hear this, Kate! Sending good thoughts – please keep us posted. My 14-year-old cat, Miles, has diabetes, too, and needs insulin injections every 12 hours. I understand the unique challenges of dealing with a special needs pet. I hope you get good news soon!

    • Kate October 20, 2019, 8:14 am

      Thank you, everyone. I just called and we need to go up to NH now and say goodbye. This is the worst.

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      • Miss MJ October 20, 2019, 8:42 am

        Oh, Kate. I’m so sorry.

      • ktfran October 20, 2019, 9:27 am

        I’m very sorry kate. That sucks. Sending you lots of good thoughts and love.

      • Dear Wendy October 20, 2019, 9:51 am

        Oh no, Kate. I’m so sorry – it really is the worst. We’re all thinking about you!

      • Kate October 20, 2019, 10:36 am

        It was actually all right. That place is really wonderful. I got to hold him in a blanket for as long as I wanted, and he was snoring softly, in a peaceful sleep. Then the doctor came in and gave him a needle and he went quickly and very peacefully. The doctor and nurse made it as easy and comfortable as possible. But this is just so hard. He was my baby for 13 years. And it’s going to be very rough on my husband, who had to work. Getting to hold my boy one last time is something I wish he could have done too.

      • Dear Wendy October 20, 2019, 10:48 am

        There’s no other place he’d want to spend his final minutes than in your arms. So glad you could have that time with him and give him that final gift of love. Sorry for your loss. I know how important he is to you.

      • anonymousse October 20, 2019, 10:44 am

        So sorry, Kate.

      • TheLadyE October 20, 2019, 12:17 pm

        Oh no. I’m so very sorry and sending comfort to you and your husband. You did so much for him and gave him a wonderful life full of love and comfort. We’ve talked about this before, but I truly believe that their spirits are still with us and I have felt Lottie many times. He is still and will always be with you. <3

      • Ange October 20, 2019, 3:07 pm

        I’m so sorry Kate. For what it’s worth I’m sure you gave him the best life possible and he got to go snuggled up with you, it’s wonderful that you could give that to him.

    • Copa October 21, 2019, 10:58 am

      Oh no! Kate, I am so sorry! I’m glad your dog is no longer in pain, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to lose a pet. I’m so bonded with my dog — he’s my buddy, he’s my baby — and he’s only two. Take good care of yourselves!

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  • Bitttergaymark October 19, 2019, 12:28 pm

    Oh no! So sorry to hear this! Holding good thoughts for you.

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    • Kate October 19, 2019, 12:39 pm

      Thanks Mark! I’m going to call in a couple hours and find out if he’s coming around.

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      • Ange October 19, 2019, 6:02 pm

        I’m sorry to hear about your little guy Kate! I hope the news is good.

      • Kate October 19, 2019, 6:20 pm

        Thanks Ange. No change when I called at 3:30, will call again at 9.

      • ktfran October 19, 2019, 10:06 pm

        Sending you good thoughts @kate.

  • CanadaGoose October 20, 2019, 7:55 pm

    My condolences, Kate. Losing a pet is the worst. I am certain having you hold him made him feel so much better as he drifted off.

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  • Kate October 21, 2019, 6:08 am

    Ah shit, it’s hard. We both woke up and cried, and we walked to the park like we used to. I think the last time this happened I dissociated or something because it was so traumatic. This is different.

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    • Dear Wendy October 21, 2019, 6:35 am

      I’m sorry, Kate. It really is so hard, and even having been through it before doesn’t really prepare you. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Simone’s passing and all the memories of that final weekend with have been playing back in my mind. I remember that first morning without her like it was just a few days ago. We have such a routine with our animals and when they’re gone and the routine is shaken, it feels like such a void, such a missing piece. I’m sorry you’re hurting. The grief is as deep as the love, and I know your guy continues to feel your love for him.

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      • Kate October 21, 2019, 6:47 am

        I’m sorry. I hope it does get better. My dad said yesterday that all his pets, as well as his parents, are right there with him, as real as when they were “alive.” We don’t forget them and they don’t forget us.

      • Miss MJ October 21, 2019, 8:15 am

        That’s a really nice thought from your dad, Kate. Recently, I’ve been dreaming about my little dog that died a few months ago. Sometimes she’s just there with me and the point of the dream is that I’m playing with her or snuggling her. But, other times she’s just in the background as part of whatever the dream world is; there’s always this feeling that I have 3 dogs, but one has to stay in the dream. It’s probably weird, but it comforts me.

        I hope you find some comfort soon.

    • Kate October 21, 2019, 8:22 am

      Thanks MissMJ. A guy commented on my husband’s FB that he still has his buddy in his dreams 20 years later. I don’t believe they (or we) really die, we just go on.

      I don’t want to sink into grief though. We need to live and go out and do stuff. The past 6 months we really haven’t. It’s been all about the dog. But I just feel so awful and miss him so much.

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    • Vathena October 21, 2019, 9:50 am

      So sorry for your loss, Kate – losing a little fur-buddy is just the absolute worst. I still tear up randomly about our kitty that we lost almost 2.5 years ago. I agree that in some way they’re always with us; I still feel her presence and see her in dreams. Sending you some hugs during this tough time.

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    • K October 21, 2019, 10:37 am

      I’m so sorry, Kate.

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