One of my fraternity friends, whom I’m not very close with, is getting married and I was invited to the bachelor party. I sent back the invitation saying my girlfriend and I would attend the wedding. He calls me right after he gets the RSVP saying that, due to venue size and how he wants to invite all his frat guys, my live-in girlfriend of six years can’t attend. I’m furious because I will be spending over a grand on his bachelor party. He said there is a hard and fast rule that only engaged, married, and/or in-the-wedding-party can bring a significant other. I know for a fact this rule was bent. What should I do now that my girlfriend doesn’t want me going and all my friends are telling me to suck it up? Why should I spend all this money on him when we aren’t good friends and he can’t even invite my serious live-in girlfriend to his wedding? — Pissed at My Frat Bro
If you don’t want to spend a grand on a bachelor party for someone you aren’t even good friends with, DON’T. You could still go to the wedding without attending the bachelor party. Or, you could skip the wedding, too. As rude as you might think it was of this guy not to extend a plus-1 to your live-in girlfriend of six years, it was kind of rude of you to presume she was invited and inform the groom she would be attending if nowhere on your invitation did it indicate anyone other than you was being invited.
I’m going to a wedding this summer of a close friend, and I just looked at their registry and GOOD GOD! Everything on it was ridiculously expensive. It’s not like they’re starting out with nothing; they have been living together for years, but it’s like they want to replace their entire household with the highest of high-end products. Seriously, I’m a poor grad student and I can’t even afford to buy them one of the towels they registered for on top of traveling to their destination wedding. Is it okay to not give them a gift or to get them something off-registry? What is a good, reasonably priced wedding present? — Broke Wedding Guest
Yes, of course, you can get something off-registry. It’s also ok to not give a gift and to give a card with a heart-felt, hand-written note inside. Anyone who would feel offended by a lack of gift from someone without a lot of money who traveled far to be at their wedding isn’t worth worrying about anyway.
In about a month I’m going to a good friend’s wedding and I’ll have met some of his other mates and they’re all nice. So that’s fine. Except, he’s also invited someone else I was close to about four years ago until we had a very messy “friend break-up.” I feel absolutely rotten about some things I did that contributed to that break up, but, also, I’m not completely sure why things had to become so fraught – I think there were more reasons for the fight and break-up than I knew about at the time and that I still don’t know now. I’ll have to see this person at the wedding and I’m not really sure how to react to her. I think I should make an effort to go over and say hello at the start of the festivities, and then slink back to my separate corner and talk to some other people for the rest of the time we’re there. What do you think? — Expecting Awkward Ex-Friend Run-In
Eh, I don’t think you need to make a big production of going over and saying hello. I mean, don’t go out of your way to avoid her, but, if you happen to end up near each other (in line, on the dance floor, what have you), a simple, “Hi, how are you? Nice to see you,” will suffice. The issue with looking for her and approaching her is that you then analyze your “performance” afterward. Plus, the slinking back to your corner is weird. Just wait for a natural, organic opportunity to give your regards and move on. And try not to worry about this too much. There will be plenty of other people at the wedding and the focus will be elsewhere anyway. Plus, champagne and cake!
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LW1: Oh good god. Don’t spend $1,000 on the bachelor party. Not because of the perceived slight, but because that would be stupid (with or without a Plus One invite). Go to the wedding, without your girlfriend. It sounds like she is not a close friend of this guy or his fiancee (have they ever even met?), or else she would have gotten her own invitation. In any event, it’s one night; you’ll survive the night. Go throw back some beers and reminisce your frat days; you’ll have fun. And she’ll find something to do without you, for that one night.
LW1 – Woah, that doesn’t really sound out of line to me to have a potential guys’ night out type scenario at a wedding if you know someone through a group, it’d be more like a group outing than a couples’ thing even if it was a wedding. That’s just my take on it though and it might be the groom’s take too. If you want to see your frat bros, go to the bachelor party and wedding, hang out, etc. but if you don’t, don’t. It’s like any invitation.
LW2 – You could do a card and whatever you feel comfortable spending on a gift card to wherever they’re registered? Wendy’s suggestions are fun and awesome. Or just a card. As a close friend, they shouldn’t be upset by this and if they are, question their friendship.
LW3 – WWS
LW3 – Yep, WWS. I recently went to a wedding of one of the few high school friends I’m still in touch with. She invited a lot of our other high school friends, who I am quite glad not to see on a regular basis. I didn’t make a big deal out of seeing them, and didn’t go out of my way to say hi to them or to avoid them. I was polite and friendly, as I was with many of the other guests. And that’s all it needed to be.
LW2 – I feel you have the most sane letter in this bunch. I’m not sure how close you are with others who are attending the wedding, but if you want and can afford to give a gift, you could go in on a big ticket item. For my friends shower, several of us went in on a pots and pans set and it ended up being only $40/person.
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LW1 – I would probably be slightly annoyed if I had a long-term significant other that was overlooked. I would be more understanding if bride/groom didn’t really know significant other. And honestly, this wedding sounds more like a reunion for all of you, so how much fun would your girlfriend have? I also think it’s insane that she doesn’t want you to go without her. Controlling much?
3: WWS all the way. I doubt this person cares nearly as much as you do. Say hello. Be polite. And that’s all you really have to do.
LW2: So, a quick story: when my wife and I were registering, we felt like kids in a candy store when we walked through Bed Bath & Beyond with those little scanner guns, seeing things and being like “Ooh! Let’s add this! And this! And 3 of these!” And then we looked at the registry several months later, and we had added these gorgeous crystal wine glasses that were $80. PER GLASS. And we registered for 12, since we were matching it to our china set. And we felt like giant idiots. We jokingly refer to it as “being in the wedding zone,” but it’s totally true; a couple can get so wrapped up in the excitement that it doesn’t even click right away for them. Or, alternately, since a lot of stores offer you the chance to buy anything left on your registry for a discount (BB&B was 20% off), they may have put it on there with the expectation no one would buy it and they’d take advantage of the discount.
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I guess what I’m saying is that gift cards to the store they’re registered at are ALWAYS safe to give. One of our couple friends who were 3 or 4 years younger and recently out of college gave us a $50 gift card to BB&B with a beautiful letter talking about how we both showed them what a strong loving couple looked like, and we framed the letter. Some people gave us $25 gift cards, and you know what? We looked at it for what it was: their giving us a gift to celebrate our marriage. We didn’t care what the price tag was; we cared that they thought of us.
In general, we made our registry for the rich old lady friends of my grandmother who think giving money is gauche but have no problem buying 4 of those $80 crystal glasses– even if they aren’t invited to the wedding. I didn’t expect any of our friends to buy us that stuff.
I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape judging the couple. I agree that if you’re traveling to the wedding, you presence is the present. A nice card and no gift is totally fine. A nice card and small gift (like a framed photo) is nice. A nice card and something off registry is nice, too.
I gave my uncles a gift card last year when they got married. I couldn’t afford much, but since they both love Target, voila, gift idea! They have been together for about 25 years and are verrrrry well off (they own a very successful business together so their wedding was super duper fancy), so I felt kind of dumb, but the thank you note they sent back was very grateful. They talked about how much they appreciated the support of them taking the plunge and getting married.
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That actually reminds me, I stained their deck that summer as a gift too… Maybe the LW could offer to do something for the couple? Even if it’s hosting a nice dinner or something, that might be a nice gesture.
A lot of places now offer a discount to the couple if things on the registry haven’t been purchased after the date passed. A gift card is always a good idea to help them get some of the things they really wanted.
LW1, you need to get over this. Honestly I wouldn’t go to either the bachelor party or the wedding. It sounds like you aren’t even close to this guy anymore, so why even bother if it is bothering you and your girlfriend so much? I think you’re stuck in this mindset of the fact that he was/is your frat brother and you feel obligated to go…maybe there is a fraternity tradition at the wedding or something that you want to take part in, I don’t know. You also need to keep in mind that even though your girlfriend didn’t get an invite, that isn’t about you. Every single couple getting married has to go through their guest list and trim down quite a bit in order to fit their budget. It’s INSANELY rude to assume not only that she was invited, but also to get pissed that their “plus one” rule wasn’t bent for you. How much fun do you really think your girlfriend is going to have at this wedding? You’ll probably be drinking beer and reminiscing with the guys. Somehow I don’t think she is very close with this group of your friends so she’ll probably be bored out of her mind.
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It is irksome to me when people register for only the most expensive things, or only at a super high end place. In my opinion it is polite to register for gifts that fit a range of budgets. For this couple, I wonder if they are already pretty well off and though the prices are expensive to the LW the prices don’t seem too bad to the couple. Still, I find it kind of rude. I will say, Etsy has a TON of super cute gifts that are affordable, and many can be customized. Maybe a piece of wall art or a wine rack or something…
So this in no way adds to the discussion, but it’s a random plus one drama story (those are the best, right)? So my coworker was in a wedding, and all of the bridesmaids are super close friends. They talked and everyone agreed to two girls with boyfriends would bring their boyfriends, and the other two girls wouldn’t bring a date since they’d be so busy with the wedding stuff to devote much time to someone who would know no one. One of the single girls sends in her rsvp a month before the wedding with her ex boyfriend as a plus one. She hadn’t mentioned him in months, no one knew they were together or even communicating, and she didn’t tell the other single girl she decided to bring a date. The bride hates the ex boyfriend (to the point where neither one of them will stay in a room if the other enters it). Then the bridesmaid asked if she could change who she was walking down the aisle with because it was a guy she had slept with and her date would be pissed if they walked together.
Whoa.
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As I’m sure you know having had a wedding of your own, weddings are INSANELY expensive. I literally can’t include plus ones with all of my invites because if I included plus ones for every single person we would be WELL over 300 people and waaaaay out of budget. So yes I’m going to invite my 19-year-old cousin Betsy but not her “serious” boyfriend of 2 months, whatshisname…
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Not to mention, getting plus one or not is NOT personal. The choice is ultimately up to the bride and groom, and it’s nothing AGAINST the couple if only one is invited. That’s the thing. My friend who got married a few years ago had a rule that she only invited significant others she or her husband knew personally and had met. They were right out of college and footing most of the bill themselves. It’s not them “disrespecting” the couples who weren’t invited as a social unit; it’s them being budget conscious and saving money. That’s all it is. It’s honestly kind of shocking to me that people get so worked up at going somewhere without their significant other…
LW1) Well, good to know that men can’t get just as pissy as women, I guess. Honestly? What’s the big deal? Frankly, I am amazed to many people even WANT to attend the weddings of people they don’t know as plus ones… To me you GFs freak out illustrates how immature she is how insecure she feels about your relationship.
LW2) Ugh, the endless gift grab that is the modern american wedding. I hear you. As a single gay guy who will NEVER fucking get back the thousands he has shelled out — you have my permission to go wayyyyyyyy off the registry.
LW3) Yeah, just go and play it low key. A big dramatic reconciliation is clearly NOT in the cards anyway, so way push for one?
I’m wondering if LW1 is angry because his girlfriend is angry and what could make his girlfriend angry. Maybe she wants to get married and if they were married or even engaged she would automatically be invited. But, they aren’t married or engaged and so each time an invitation comes she is angry for being excluded. Not so much because she is excluded but because she isn’t automatically included due to their lack of marriage or engagement. If the underlying problem is a relationship problem he needs to address that issue. He does say that he isn’t close to the fraternity brother. If they aren’t close he can assume that if everyone got a plus one he would have been on the bottom half of the list of frat brothers who got cut from the guest list. If you aren’t close then don’t go but don’t make it about your girlfriend.