Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Getting Personal: “I Have it all … Except the Husband”

Guest columnists and contributors are generously sharing their talents and insights while I’m taking some time to care for my new baby. Today’s essay comes from a reader who prefers to remain anonymous, so let’s just call her “Nancy Isaacson.”

I am a first time homeowner. By all standards I’m a successful woman who has it all: multiple degrees from top schools, a promising career with a great company, old friends and new friends, good looks and good health, parents and a brother whose love and adoration of me is beat only by mine for them…and the capstone: a great new condo in a fabulous part of town just a two short blocks from the beach.

I had dreamed of this condo for years: mine and my husband’s first home: a place we could decorate without worrying what the landlord will do to the security deposit; enjoy a glass of wine while watching the sunset from our roof deck; cook dinner together while dancing barefoot to old Frank Sinatra songs.

Yes, I have it all.
Except the husband.

I moved into my gorgeous beachside condo with a view fiancéeless, boyfriendless and prospectless, relying on a great handyman to help me hang paintings and decide which shade of white paint would be best for my new home. My best friend made it clear that my ability to choose whatever shade of white I wanted is far better than having to compromise, and insisted that “living with a boy” is far more trouble than it was worth. But while she is my best friend, her husband is hers – and though messy, hairy, and noisy, she gets to share the joys and frustrations of home-ownership, and a life, with a man who would walk through fire for her – a musician whose songs he writes for her bring tears to my eyes every time I hear them, because his love for her is so undeniable and so much a part of who he is.

Many strong, wonderful women whom I admire have praised my ability to “do it on my own” and think that as a woman I am even more empowered by not waiting around for Prince Charming to purchase a home. They talk of how great it is that we no longer need men in our lives to have the life we want. What I think they don’t realize is that this is not the life I want – and as un-politically correct as it may be in this day and age where a woman has so many options and choices – I want a man in my life. My plan was to fall in love, marry, and buy a home – in that order – all while achieving my other goals. By undertaking this life changing milestone on my own, I can’t help but wonder: has meeting someone now become not a question of when, but “if”?

I am overjoyed that I have the resources to pay my down payment and mortgage alone, especially in a time where so many are struggling. I am thrilled that I get to spend every holiday with my parents, and don’t have to worry about splitting time between in-laws. I love that I get to cry unabashedly at sappy TV shows without worrying what a man will think of a woman who cries at sappy TV shows. But I’m missing something.

I don’t even get to blame my time consuming job that leaves me without a life, or my overbearing mother who drives away any potential suitor. My life is perfectly suited to love – it just hasn’t found me yet, which makes it all the more frustrating… there is nothing to do, but wait and see what happens – which for an impatient type A like myself, is a very painful process.

The hardest part is that, to a certain extent, I know what I’m missing: I’ve had passionate, infatuated love, and stable, committed love. I know what it’s like to wake up every morning next to a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I know what it’s like to not have things work out with that person. I’ve hurt people I have loved to such an extent that the relationship could not be repaired, and I’ve missed out on what may have been happily ever after because of bad timing. I’ve watched old loves move on, get married, buy their homes and start their happily-ever-afters, and wonder…when will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

But while I wonder and wait, I’ll be cooking in my new kitchen, dancing barefoot to Sinatra, and having a glass of wine on my roof deck – enjoying a place that I can say is, “all mine.” I will continue to believe in my own happily-ever-after, hope that love and I find each other, and look forward to the day that I have someone to dance in our home with.

71 comments… add one
  • BecBoo84 October 12, 2011, 12:04 pm

    Beautiful article!

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  • JK October 12, 2011, 12:13 pm

    Beautiful, very well written!!
    Sending positive vibes your way that the perfect guy for you appears soon (probably when you least expect it).

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  • silver_dragon_girl October 12, 2011, 12:14 pm

    I really liked this. And I totally have guesses about who wrote it…:D

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    • JK October 12, 2011, 12:17 pm

      Me too… I must be spending too much time on DW!

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      • silver_dragon_girl October 12, 2011, 12:51 pm

        No such thing!!! 😀

    • ForeverYoung October 12, 2011, 2:40 pm

      I think I figured it out too, especially after reading through the comments and seeing who is missing from them 🙂 I get the desire to be annonymous though, if I wrote anything I would want the readers to comment without bias.

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  • ForeverYoung October 12, 2011, 12:18 pm

    I love this new feature!! It is so great Wendy that you are incorporating new stuff while you are busy. I hope you keep these coming even after you’re gotten to know your little guy.

    For the annonymous author – I love your writing and your article. It is refreshingly honest. It is so hard when you feel like from the outside you have a perfect life, but just aren’t satisfied. And I know it can be annoying when people say that it’s great you can have it all without a man, as if that is what you wanted. Or when people try to turn you into a feminist activist you maybe don’t necessarily want to be.

    P.S. your house sounds beautiful! Wine and sinatra are a necessity.

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    • Wendy October 12, 2011, 1:45 pm

      I love this new feature too and plan to make it a permanent one here. I’ve really enjoyed reading and editing submissions over these last few weeks and I just know everyone else will enjoy reading them, too. I have lots more great ones lined up.

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      • ForeverYoung October 12, 2011, 3:14 pm

        Thoughtful, personal articles written by intelligent women are something I have been struggling to find on the internet these days. There used to be good ones on TF but I think they have decided to cater more to the under 21 audience lately and everything I read and look at over there just looks like Kesha threw up all over it. So now I don’t even have to branch out and can just continue to stalk dearwendy everyday!

      • lets_be_honest October 12, 2011, 3:26 pm

        “looks like Kesha threw up all over it.” I have never heard a more accurate description that also is so hilarious!

      • ForeverYoung October 12, 2011, 3:45 pm

        Haha thanks, I think the change over there has been drastic and also sad, like the worst sell out I have seen in a while. It’s sad that intelligent articles/discussions aren’t profitable. So I am SO SO happy that Wendy is going to incorporate pieces like this.

        So please commenter/readers – I know you all have life stories to share – let them out!!

      • Eljay October 12, 2011, 5:06 pm

        I agree. I can’t stomach TF any longer.

      • spark October 12, 2011, 6:40 pm

        I used to love TF, but I’m with you all. The ads are so annoying and completely detract from the site, and there is rarely an article worth reading.

      • Over It October 13, 2011, 12:32 am

        It seems like people glaze over the good article on TF and can’t wait to slam ones they don’t agree with even though good quality articles are still published. Sadly the nasty yet frequent comments are what control the site. It seems like readers just eagerly nail a celebrity quote but only about 2 comments show up on a good girl talk article. Whatever’s easy to insult right?

      • AndreaMarie October 13, 2011, 11:48 am

        I have the same feelings about TF. I used to be a loyal reader but I’m assuming there must have been a change up in contributors or editors because the content has clearly changed. I feel like much of content is trying to hard to be Feminist. I’m all down for women power but not every article. I was completely turned off after reading a piece about how the fact that the heavier girl in the Bridesmaids movie poster was wearing sleeves. Very over reaching.

    • Sarah June 16, 2018, 7:51 am

      What’s TF?

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  • LuvlyJ October 12, 2011, 12:19 pm

    absolutely loved this article! i definitely feel where you are coming from as i am on the same boat. please remember to always be positive and continue to love yourself and your life. love will find you when you least expect it <3

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  • MissDre October 12, 2011, 12:22 pm

    I often feel like this too. I’m not in this exact position… I don’t own a house and I do have a boyfriend. But I’m afraid that this is where I’ll end up. I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything… except find a husband. I’m only 25… I guess I don’t need to be worrying about this yet.

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  • Kerrycontrary October 12, 2011, 12:25 pm

    Love the article. I know what it’s like to be afraid you will never find “the one” after breaking up with the person you thought could’ve been the one. Just keep believing that you will find your man, and he will probably turn up when you least expect it.

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  • Budj October 12, 2011, 12:25 pm

    I think this article touched on a really important point….the phrase “It’s great we don’t need men in our lives to do this” is true, but also misleading imo. It is great (and fair) that women are able to pursue what they want from life and live independantly, but I think people forget that humans aren’t isolated creatures and the companionship you get from a relationship with someone special (a man in this case) is something that shouldn’t be viewed as a weakness and definitely not a gender issue…more like a human issue.

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    • Skyblossom October 12, 2011, 4:10 pm

      So true! I think it’s the one relationship where you can combine camaraderie, friendship and passion.

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  • Allustriel October 12, 2011, 12:26 pm

    Lw- I am in the same boat. I bought my first home a little over a year ago, have a stable job (I’m not raking in the cash, but I know how live comfrtably on what I earn), a Master’s degree, and I have a decent social life. But all I can think about is what I’m missing- someone to share it with. I don’t want more things in my life- just someone to come home to and share my life with.

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  • bethany October 12, 2011, 12:32 pm

    I was in a similar place in my life a few years ago (minus the house). I felt like things were finally coming together for me, and my life was shaping up to be what I wanted it to be. I was single and had just come to terms with the fact that maybe real, lasting love doesn’t happen for everyone. It was really liberating, and I really accepted that it might not happen for me, and that was ok. A few months after that I met the man who became my husband… Sometimes when you stop looking things just happen!

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    • SpaceySteph October 12, 2011, 8:50 pm

      I agree with you on this. Not too long ago, I was fresh out of a terrible end to a relationship I thought would last forever. I had been holding my life up to wait for our LDR to end so we could go on life’s journeys together. Well it did end, though not the way I planned, so I bought a house. On my own. And I painted the dining room bright purple (with my mom’s help). My house is all mine- my favorite color, my wonderful kitchen, my stuff in places I want it, and a closet just for shoes and purses.

      A few months later I started dating my current boyfriend, and I’m thinking/hoping he might be the one. Keep being awesome, you’ll find him!

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  • MsMisery October 12, 2011, 12:44 pm

    I admire your honesty, though I wish I could trade places with you. I am blissfully single and have no intention or desire to change that. Admitting THAT is just as horrifying to society as admitting you’re lonely. People think I have something wrong with me, or am missing a gene. Maybe I am (no bride gene, no mom gene, etc). But I’m pretty ok with that aspect of my life. (Other aspects… well… meh).

    Anywaaaay, good luck 🙂

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  • CC October 12, 2011, 12:46 pm

    I was in the identical situation a couple years ago when I bought my first house. I knew I was ready, financially and otherwise, but I had really hoped that first purchase would be with a husband or fiance. I got a lot of comments from family members along the lines of “wow, it’s great that you’re not waiting for a man to buy a house” that seemed to rub it in even more. I bought the house with the yard and got a dog I’d always wanted, and adopted the mentality that “if I build it, he will come!” And only a few months later, he did come.

    Having the guts, the smarts, and the financial responsibility to buy a place on your own is very attractive to a man who values independence in a partner. I’d say enjoy your time by yourself in your own place, before you have to worry about where his big-screen TV and horrible family heirloom furniture will go!

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  • Lianne October 12, 2011, 12:50 pm

    Beautiful essay. I could have written parts of it myself – as I am sure many others could have, as well. It’s very frustrating to feel like you’ve tried everything – online dating sites, bars, hobbies, etc….and still, not even getting dates! I love my friends and my job and my life – but I feel like there’s something missing – like an almost full moon, if you will.

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  • bittergaymark October 12, 2011, 12:51 pm

    Oh, Boo Hoo Hoo. Try waking up with no boyfriend in a rented studio apartment every day rediscovering yourself trapped in a failing career you now hopelessly despise because you foolishly chased your dreams to be a writer.

    I kid, I kid. (Or do I? Remember love can always land in one’s lap at any time, often very much out of the blue… Success via a rewarding career and a fabulous beach condo? Not so likely in this economy.)

    No, no, no. Seriously. This is a nice, thoughtful, well written piece. I really feel for you, LW. I really do. My advice? Why, simply scroll through all the comments on the recent My Wife Ignores Me Update… This should make you feel a million times better about being all alone because you’ll find a surprisingly good number of women who all seem to view actually having to sleep with their husbands as a real chore. Think of how free and lucky you will feel knowing that you no longer have to deal with some annoying dude’s constant, lust filled, desirous pawing at You… Yes, yes, yes, you are so much more lucky than any of them, I’m sure they would all agree.

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    • AndreaMarie October 13, 2011, 11:54 am

      Hahaha so true! You can stumble across the man of your dremas at a bar or on the treadmill next to you at the gym. You sure as hell are not going to stumble on a masters degree or money for a condo note there! LOL

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  • FireStar October 12, 2011, 12:55 pm

    I have a lot of friends going through the same thing. I know what it is to be a type A and to have a problem that has a solution outside of your control. There is no easy answer for it. I’m not going to tell you put yourself out there or that you will find him when you stop looking or you are too picky and to lower your standards – or anything else that would send my girlfriends into a righteous murderous rage.
    My mother says every pot has a lid. I would argue more than one lid could fit many a pot. You simply haven’t encountered your lid yet. I hope the universe smiles on you and sends you your dancing partner soon.

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  • ReginaRey October 12, 2011, 12:19 pm

    Very poignant. I’m glad the author was able to admit what a lot of us women are too afraid to – that we DO want what’s often considered the “cliche.” I totally agree – I’m happy to focus on my career, my education, my life, my happiness – but at the end of the day, I still feel that something would be missing without a great love to share my life with.

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    • theresa October 12, 2011, 8:47 pm

      Totally agree!! =) I believe that day will come where happiness will be arriving at out front door!Until then, we shall stay in faith while focusing happily on our career, education, GOOD life, BEST friends & irreplaceable family members.

      Thanks the author for sharing!it’s written beautifully =)

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  • Ktfran October 12, 2011, 1:24 pm

    How wonderfully written and extremely relatable.

    “By undertaking this life changing milestone on my own, I can’t help but wonder: has meeting someone now become not a question of when, but “if”?

    This. I never realized it, but “when” statements have become “if” statements for me. I think this happens to a lot of people when life happens and it shouldn’t. So, as the writer stated . . . She’s going to live her life and enjoy it until love happens. I’m right there with you.


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  • Shadowflash1522 October 12, 2011, 1:29 pm

    Beautifully written.

    I used to wonder why my close friends sighed over not having boyfriends or serious prospects–are they just weak because they need men in their lives? No, they don’t *need* one, they want one. Want is not a betrayal of independence. It’s not about having your cake and sleeping with it too, it’s about having a lifemate. Someone to share your life with. You know, the people you drink wine and dance barefoot with and stay up all night talking to. Not even necessarily a male lifemate, although I understand the appeal 🙂

    This article made me realize that I miss that too, although maybe not quite in the same way. So thanks for that.

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  • Kate B. October 12, 2011, 1:41 pm

    This article brings tears to my eyes. I also own my home, have my own money, but no partner in life. I, too, wonder if it will ever happen. Problem is, I think I’m a bit older than the writer. So for me, it really does have me concerned.

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    • JK October 12, 2011, 1:53 pm

      I am a firm believer in when it´s meant to be it will happen.
      My parents went through a very bitter separation and subsequent divorce, at 50 something they each managed to rebuild their lives, and appear to be very happy with their new partners (my father with an old GF from high school, my mother with a guy she met online).
      I can imagine how hard it must be to feel that way, I see some friends going through the same thing (at 30 something), I remember going through it as well, all during my teens and very early 20s EVERYONE had a BF but me (or at least it seemed that way at the time), then at 23 I met my now husband, who has given me 2 beautiful daughters, meanwhile most of the people that were going through one relationship after another back then are now single.
      I´ll send positive thoughts your way as well 🙂

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      • Kate B October 12, 2011, 5:47 pm

        Thank you. Great for your parents, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to wait til I was 50. Choosing my own paint and decorations is nice, but sometimes I wish I had someone to compromise with.

      • JK October 12, 2011, 6:12 pm

        I meant it like it´s never too late to find love, not that you´ll have to wait til you´re 50!!

  • Landygirl October 12, 2011, 1:47 pm

    Seriously, get a dog, they are dude magnets. Dog parks are filled with eligible single men. I know people who have met their mate through their dogs.

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    • BriarRose October 12, 2011, 2:33 pm

      My dog is not pulling her weight because so far she has introduced me to exactly 0 guys. Our dog park is full of single women and lovey-dovey couples…just like the rest of the town!

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      • Allustriel October 12, 2011, 2:40 pm

        That has been my experience as well BriarRose. Additionally, the only men in my dog obedience classes were there with their girlfriends.

      • Landygirl October 12, 2011, 2:56 pm

        Try a few different parks. What kind of dog do you have?

      • Budj October 12, 2011, 4:01 pm

        “Our dog park is full of single women”. I want to live where you live if that’s the case…I think if they were to determine the male female ratio in my town in my age range it would be like 90% male.

      • BriarRose October 12, 2011, 4:14 pm

        I live in a military town in NC. Our male to female ratio is supposedly in my favor, but once you take out all the crackheads, 20 year old joes, soldier done wrong by their woman while on deployment and now refuse to open up to any woman ever, guys with 4 kids by 4 different women, you’re left with about 4 single guys. So me and all of my ilk (educated, out of state women with more than minimum expectations of a guy) are left to fight over those 4 guys.

        So you’d probably do quite well here! Just have to shift through the female counterparts to all of the types of men I listed above. Did I mention that this is a dating wasteland?

        PS. Where do you live? Maybe we could swap homes for a few days and each try our luck elsewhere.

      • JK October 13, 2011, 8:26 am

        Oooh, it could be like a version of The Holiday!!! 🙂 I LOVE that movie

  • Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com October 12, 2011, 12:57 pm

    In this day and age of “we don’t need men to do xyz…” it takes more bravery to admit to wanting love than it takes to admit that you are ok on your own.

    But you DO recognize that you want it which is a big part of the trick to getting it. And my guess is that you won’t settle for something that’s almost good enough (or you would have by now). So you’ll know it when you find it. And what you get will be something extraordinary.

    Love is that rare bird that doesn’t come by very often. But when it does, it looks for the most appealing place to land. Since, as you said, your life is prepped for love, it WILL find you. It WILL choose you the next time it flies by. Whoever it is –he’s out there right now wondering the same thing.

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    • JK October 12, 2011, 1:10 pm

      Loved the last paragraph!

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      • Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com October 12, 2011, 2:35 pm

        Thanks! That’s my own metaphor and I have used it MANY MANY times (usually, not not always, on myself!)

  • Samantha October 12, 2011, 2:00 pm

    I loved this. Very honest, and, in an odd way, very inspiring
    A beach condo has been my dream since I moved to the coast – it’s good to see that it’s possible to achieve on my own!
    You’ll find love, there’s no doubt – and in the meantime, be glad you’re an inspiration to younger, type-A independent women who want it all and want to be able to admit it without feeling like they’re betraying some sort of feminist creed.

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  • SSBoo October 12, 2011, 2:02 pm

    I loved this article! Speaks very close to home!

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  • mandalee October 12, 2011, 2:24 pm

    What a brave, moving piece! Congratulations on purchasing a house you always dreamed of owning, and loving your life/career. It seems like you are in a point in your life where you are so accomplished and happy in your life, that you are ready to share it with someone- which is such a rare place to be in. Often times, people rush into relationships before they are happy with themselves.

    I love when a woman can admit that despite career success and independence, that love is also important. In my circle of friends it is seen as such a weakness that when I got engaged, they acted like I was betraying my gender. It’s okay to admit that although we could do it all by ourselves and be happy, it’s nice to have someone to share it with. Best of luck with everything!

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  • BriarRose October 12, 2011, 2:32 pm

    I have no problem admitting that I want the companionship and love of a man. I have a job, a place to live, a crazy dog, lovely friends, and an adorable daughter. But still, I long for what I once had, something that the author points out has become an “if”, not a “when”.

    Beautiful article. Well done, “Nancy”!

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  • Sue Jones October 12, 2011, 3:02 pm

    Nice article! And I say, better to wait and be established than to “settle” for a relationship that isn’t optimal. But that urge to merge and nest can be so strong. And men who aren’t good enough for you may be intimidated by your success, but don’t let that rattle you. Keep your high standards.

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  • Greebo October 12, 2011, 3:04 pm

    Beautifully written. Someone once told me that life is a long road to walk alone; I think it’s great to admit you want to share your life with someone while understanding you don’t “need” to do so.

    Several years ago, I was pretty much in the same place. Ironically, not terribly long after I bought my house I got engaged. We lived in “his house” after the marriage…and leaving “my house” and “my life” was agonizing. Nothing prepared me for the sense of loss, even though I wouldn’t trade my husband for anything.

    Enjoy the moment.

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  • Marie October 12, 2011, 3:29 pm

    Seriously – eharmony. BEST WEBSITE EVER! It’s like google, but for men :). All the best LW!

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  • Riefer October 12, 2011, 3:45 pm

    One bit of advice I have for some of you younger women out there… don’t wait to buy your own home. Do it as soon as you can afford it (assuming you want to actually buy and not rent for the rest of your life). I bought my first condo pretty young, I was 24 or so. Of course, it was a cheap place in a bad part of town, but it was equity. And then I upgraded 5 years later, and then I met my husband and we eventually sold my condo and used the equity to buy a house.

    The reason I say to buy early is that not only does it make financial sense, but it will hopefully help you avoid the way the LW feels. I never felt that way, even though I didn’t get married till I was relatively old (mid-30s). And I think it’s because I bought young, and just always owned my own place. I looked at it as a “starter place”, just for me, to start getting some equity. It wasn’t my dream home, or the home I had waited 10 years for. So when I moved in, I didn’t care that I was single, because it wasn’t my forever home, it was me taking the reins of my financial life. You know what I mean?

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    • Riefer October 12, 2011, 3:57 pm

      To clarify, I DID feel lonely and sad when I turned 30 and didn’t have a boyfriend let alone a husband. But it wasn’t anything to do with the fact that I owned my own home, and I didn’t have that kind of sadness over choosing paint, decorations etc by myself since I’d owned for so long already.

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    • kali October 13, 2011, 4:50 pm

      Good advice – too many people get really tied up emotionally with their homes to their detriment when it is often healthier to view a real estate purchase as a major financial investment.

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  • LANY October 12, 2011, 4:44 pm

    Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and positive thoughts, all 🙂 You’ve made my day!

    – I guess it’s not a letter so LW doesn’t quite work, and “essay writer” translating to EW doesn’t sit well with me, so I’ll just sign off with, “Nancy”

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  • TECH October 12, 2011, 5:12 pm

    To the essayist: I’m in a similar position — a young unmarried woman (25) who just bought her first home. Although I do have a boyfriend, there are no guarantees we will be together forever, and have no plans to move in together. So this responsibility is my responsibility alone — although he has helped me with things around the house.
    My feeling on it is this — if it was a single man who bought property, would he be writing the same essay? Many people have this traditional line of events in their lives — go to school, start a career, get married, buy a home, and have children. Many of us have had this timeline in our minds since we were kids. And it’s hard to get out of that mindset. But I agree with Riefer, young women should not wait to buy homes — especially when prices and interest rates are so low!
    Wait years to buy a home until you find the right guy? That’s just not a winning proposition. Do it for yourself. And like Riefer said, you can always sell your “starter home” and move into a better home with your husband one day. Remember, there are no fixed roadmaps.

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  • Temperance October 12, 2011, 5:36 pm

    This was interesting for me because I’m in the opposite situation; I’m getting an advanced degree and in a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship, and I sometimes feel like I’m missing out on the experiences that my classmates are having. I can’t just pick up commitments like they can, I need to balance them with my life stuff. I haven’t developed the same friendships for the same reason. We don’t live in the city, we’re out in the suburbs, for example.

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    • HmC October 12, 2011, 6:14 pm

      Thanks for saying this. As I was reading this (beautifully written) piece, it occurred to me how it’s such human nature to always feel like there is *something* missing. Personally, I have a great relationship and good education, but my finances could use some work and I’m nowhere near owning a home. I worry about this, and feel like it’s the missing link to my happiness. But then I remember, there are people out there like this author who have what I want, and want what I have. It’s always something with us humans. If you keep looking for happiness in something external, you will always be disappointed.

      Not that it’s bad to want a companion- not at all! Knowing what you want and doing what is in your power to make that happen is a very empowering and positive thing. But it’s always good to remember too, that you don’t get the days back that are passing you by. Be happy now. Enjoy this very moment. No one is promised or owed anything in this life. So suck all the happiness that you can out of every moment that you have. Be present.

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  • Temperance October 12, 2011, 5:37 pm

    I should also say that the majority of my life is very non-romantic. We don’t ever slow dance, and the majority of our time is spent doing things like working near each other and watching Supernatural.

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  • 6napkinburger October 12, 2011, 6:28 pm

    This is my worst fear. And I’m watching it happen to my sister, which makes my heart hurt even more. She broke up with her BF whom she loved but circumstances were necessary at the same age I am now, and she is still alone and is so lonely. I am so scared that I will have let the only man who could love me for me go for reasons that will prove to be insufficient.

    And I don’t even have a home. I have an apartment I hate that’s too big and too expensive. And with my loans, i’m not sure how its ever going to happen. But at least I have a job I kind of like in a field I love and I am laying the groundwork to pursue the future i’ve always wanted (my field, if you pay your dues right, good things can happen).

    I still sleep on my side of the bed, though my sister doesn’t. And she frolicks around the world like a jet-setter. There are worse things, I guess.

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  • spark October 12, 2011, 6:37 pm

    Wow. This was amazing; beautifully written. And I share your goals, dreams, and sentiment 1000%. It’s what I want most, too, and I hope you find it soon.

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  • katie October 12, 2011, 10:08 pm

    i personally dont think that it isn’t “politically correct” to still want to have a partner in your life. i think that the advances that women have made have given women a choice in their lives, which doesn’t at all mean that its wrong to still want a partner in said life. choices about where we live, what we do, who we do it with, what we spend our money on, ect, ect…. no where in there would i ever think that having those choices imply that you now have to do it all alone. that seems absurd- we, as humans, have been partnering up for centuries now (milleniums?), and all of a sudden, when women get rights, now its weird not to want a partner to share all those awesome choices with?

    how about rights and a partner? thats what i like. have your cake and eat it too, in a good way.

    dont think your weird for feeling the way that you do.

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  • Ruby October 12, 2011, 10:50 pm

    Lovely article.
    I too am a woman with a lovely home.
    Sometimes the things we want come to us, but not necessarily in the order we may have imagined. And that’s OK.
    I think it’s definitely OK to be single, independent, happy….and also want to have a man in your life. And it doesn’t make you weak to admit that.
    I think acknowledging that you want it, is the first step in having it become a reality…whenever it’s mean to be.
    Enjoy your lovely home! Make it a happy, warm, inviting place. That’s what I’ve done! You never know when your Mr. Right will come a knockin’!

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  • Beth October 13, 2011, 10:40 am

    Love this article! Wonderful writing!

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  • AndreaMarie October 13, 2011, 12:46 pm

    I love this essay. Thank you ‘Nancy”. I can so relate to what you are feeling. I’m 27, have lived on my own since college. Build a very sucessful career in a field with very few women in it. I have a great apartment and work in one of the most amazing cities in the world. I have a circle of amazing and supposrtive girl friends and an exciting social life. Though, I’m ready to be in a relationship. I don’t feel I “need” a man. I have done so much for myself on my own. Plus I don’t think I “need” a man to feel complete. I am completely content with the life I created for myself. I just feel I’m at the point where I “want” a man to share it with. I want that companionship. I’m ready to have those experiences in life that you have when you are in a couple.

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  • kali October 13, 2011, 4:45 pm

    This was my best friend’s story. She dated, had some serious relationships but it never lasted. We had long talks about the future and boys and I told her she shouldn’t wait for her Prince Charming if she wanted to buy her own castle. If he was truly the right guy for her, it wouldn’t matter that she was already a homeowner.

    Then, through a freak series of events, she met up with a guy we’d known in high school and on whom she’d had a major crush (he was chasing one of the bad girls back then!) It was a whirlwind romance with a few snags to iron out but her condo and her great job were never an issue. Those things just meant she had the time and energy to devote to her new love. And now, many many years later, they are still together, in a new home they purchased together and life is good.

    Sometimes it all works out the way we want it to. Maybe just not on our time frames. Keep the faith, LW. Your dream is out there too.

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  • ant June 17, 2018, 12:52 pm

    I recognize the concern you’re feeling. Personally, I never really made plans to meet a guy, live together, get married, buy a house, have children, but rather I assumed this would be the course of my life, without really consciously thinking it over. Now I have a solid job and I bought a home in a neighborhood I like a lot. My last break up has been very hard on me, as I had to find peace with maybe not starting a family ever. While wanting having kids was never a certitude for me, I think I assumed it would be the case. So now I find myself dating a guy with 2 kids, and I find it hard to adapt to a reality that is quite far away from my (society-induced?) assumptions of how life would go. I try hard to remind myself that I am a lucky bastard in many areas of life (e.g. decent health), while grieving these unfulfilled (somewhat unconsciously made) expectations.

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