Leaving her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and less than a month later, she tells me she’s pregnant, wants an abortion, and is going to break up with me. After a few frantic phone calls and us actually talking, she decided we’d stay together, and maybe she could keep the baby, and we’d accelerate our plan to be together. Fast forward a few weeks and she goes through with the abortion because she’s not ready to have a kid, and we don’t talk anymore because she doesn’t think we’ll ever actually be together.I don’t want to lose her as a friend. We’ve known each other so long, and she’s the only person I feel I can really trust. So, do I ignore her “we-shouldn’t-talk-anymore” things, and try to reconnect, do I wait for an undetermined amount of time to let her cope with all of this and THEN try to reconnect, or do I just let it go and deal with the heartbreak of losing the woman I loved — my closest friend. It already kills me that, because of my commitments here, I couldn’t be there for her during the abortion, or the aftermath thereof, but do I really have to lose this woman in my life? — Long-Distance Heartbreak
Your friend is freaking out, and understandably so. You’ve been this guy she’s known from afar for ten years and then suddenly, your friendship, which had only existed online takes a much more serious form in the real world. And as we all know, the real world is a lot harder than this one on the internet. Offline, you can’t close your browser when someone upsets you, or take your time thinking of a witty response to an email, or find security in distance or safety behind a computer screen. In the real world, we don’t have the luxury of time and distance to dilute our emotions. It’s all so concentrated. And raw.
Now take those emotions and put them through a food processor, which is basically how it must have felt for your friend to feel love for you offline (assuming she felt love), plan to leave her country to live with you, get pregnant and have an abortion all in the span of a few weeks. That’s a lot to deal with, and suddenly, this close friend whom she has known only in one realm of her reality (online) now exists in her other realm (offline) and she has to figure out how to navigate that new relationship. That’s a challenge for anyone. But add in all this other …stuff … and it overwhelmed her.
The best thing you can do for her right now is give her space but let her know you aren’t prepared to let her go so easily. I’d send one email for now: Tell her how much you care for her and how she is on your mind and you’d do anything to help her through what she’s dealing with, including giving her space if that’s what she wants. But let her know you’ll contact her again in one month and if, at any time between now and then she wants to talk to you, she can call you, text you or email you and you’ll make yourself available.
If, after a month you don’t hear from her, try again. If she’s still unresponsive, give it another month. If after three months she still isn’t ready, you need to MOA and accept she was never yours to let go of, and if she ever will be yours in the future it will only happen when she’s healed enough on her own to let love in.