I met “Nick” at work; we hit it off and started dating. We officially became a couple in April, and in June, Taylor flew me out to visit her on her 21st birthday. While I was out there, I devoted all of my time towards making her birthday memorable. I called my boyfriend a total of two times while I was out there, and only texted him when Taylor was in the bathroom, or asleep because I didn’t want her to feel like I was ignoring her. Anyway, after I went home, she went to a mutual friend of ours and started telling him that Nick was possessive, wouldn’t let me enjoy my vacation, and was a psychotic jackass the entire time I was with her. When I confronted her about it, she claimed that she was just being defensive because she thought that I was being taken away from her. Much to her disdain, I ended up moving in with Nick a few months later.
Fast forward a year after that, and Nick and I got married. Taylor didn’t speak to me for almost three months afterwards. When I would try to plan a visit to see her and my other friends and family, she would make up excuses for not seeing me, or she would point out that she wouldn’t be paying for us to come visit or stay at her place, even though I never asked her to pay for us or if we could stay with her. Eventually, we had a long talk and she aired her grievances, and I listened and tried to fix what was bothering her. I was bending over backwards to try and make our friendship get back to what it was before Nick and I got married. But all she has been doing is making excuses as to why she hasn’t been texting me back, using iChat, or commenting on my wall posts.
Now, a year into my marriage, my relationship with Taylor is worse. She even has gone as far as to find a replacement for me. She claims that this girl, “Jen,” is nothing like me, yet, she’s the same major I am, loves the same obscure music I do, as well as the same indie flicks and even dresses the same way I do and has the same hairstyle. She even calls this girl her BFF and is all up her ass on Facebook, and takes trips to places that she and I planned to visit together, and attends movies and concerts Taylor hates just because Jen loves them. When I confront her about it, she feigns ignorance.
Taylor will occasionally post on my wall that she misses me, or that we should text more, but every time I send a text, she doesn’t reply. I have since grown tired of being the one to initiate the conversations and letters. I am trying my hardest to make things better between us, but every time I do, she resists. Her friendship means the world to me, but I am so drained from being the only one trying. Should I just give up? I used to think that her friendship was worth fighting for, but now I am not sure. Based on what I have told you, do you think that maybe I have done something to push her away from me? I really miss her, but I am not sure if I should keep trying to push a friendship on her that she is clearly resenting. I don’t want to throw away eight years of a friendship that has meant everything to me, but I feel like I am at a loss. — Best Friend For Now
Wow. I don’t know what’s stranger — the fact that you and Taylor only ever called each other BFF and never by each other’s first names, that you’re so broken up about her going to the movies with some other girl, or that you’re stressing so much over the shifting of a friendship that has been 7/8 long distance. It’s also a little weird that you went so out of your way to keep your relationship with Nick from interfering with your visit to Taylor that you texted him only when she was in the bathroom. Frankly, this does not sound like a healthy friendship at all, and I wonder if there was more going on between you, like major co-dependence or even an unspoken love affair.
Whatever there used to be between you, it seems obvious it is no more. For whatever reason — a broken heart, financial strain, feeling left behind, or simply life taking her in a different direction — Taylor has moved on and does not seem interested in keeping your friendship alive. After several attempts on your part spanning the course of more than two years now, you need to accept that things have changed. You and Taylor are, in fact, not best friends forever. Few people do remain best friends forever. Forever is a really, really long time, and even with the very best intentions, it’s hard to retain the kind of closeness and intimacy you once shared with Taylor over the distance of many miles, new relationships, and major life changes. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you pushed her away, but it does mean you probably need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and MOA.
You’ll always have the memories of your once BFF and the time you shared, but it’s time to grow up and forge new memories in your adult life with people who don’t make it so hard to be close to them (like your husband, for example). Friendships are give and take and shouldn’t be about one person “bending over backwards” all the time to accommodate the other. If it’s become that hard to retain your bond in the face of your changing lifestyles, then it’s probably not a bond strong enough to carry your through the long haul anyway, no matter what your yearbook inscriptions to each may have said about staying best friends forever and ever, no matter what. Move on, and leave your past in your past before your life becomes a scene from “Single White Female.”
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.