He said he was breaking up with me because of my spending habits. I owed a measly 2K on my credit card, and he said he wanted a debt-free life and someone with more status and intelligence. He should have told me this before we sent out wedding invitations! But he didn’t because he “didn’t want to hurt my feelings.”
Anyway, we still live together and he was with her this past weekend. But when I returned home from a cottage Sunday evening, we ended up fooling around, so he cheated on her I assume. It was just plain physical, even for me. I think he’s disgusting because he didn’t even fight for me and he ended our engagement to find something new and shiny while he kept telling me that, while he “isn’t ready to handle another girl,” he is “missing something with me” and “trying to figure it out” and “you never know about the future.” Now I wonder if she even knows he’s still living with me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am tempted to write her and let her know he was with me this past weekend. I mean, I don’t owe her anything, but I would like to see him suffer a little. — Jilted
I’m so sorry about your broken engagement. Your hurt and anger and confusion are understandable, and they are practically palpable in your letter. But it will get better. You will get over this and move on, and, if you don’t let walls build up around your heart, you can find great love. Better love than what you had with your ex. But you can’t let walls build up. And you can’t let anger and resentment get the best of you. And you can’t focus on revenge or the desire to see the man who hurt you suffer, however tempting that might be. The desire is normal, of course, but it won’t get you anywhere. It won’t make you feel better in the long run. It won’t bring you closer to happiness.
What will bring you closer to happiness is moving through the pain because on the other side is forgiveness and joy and acceptance. On the other side of your pain is the rest of your life, and the course you take through your pain will determine so much about where the rest of your life will lead you. On this side of the pain, when everything is still so raw, I recommend surrounding yourself with people who lift you up. I recommend not looking at your ex’s Facebook page and not reaching out to the woman you think is his new girlfriend. I recommend accepting that people, even people we love/d and trust/ed, are flawed, sometimes deeply so, but their flaws or the imperfect way they love and treat us isn’t a reflection of our own worth or the limits of what we deserve.
I recommend not sleeping with your ex anymore and creating as much space between you and him as you can, even if it means crashing on a friend’s couch or in a loved one’s guest room for a while. In that space, surrounded by love and looking forward, you will be in the best place to find forgiveness. And forgiveness is really what will set you free. Finding forgiveness in the course of your pain can give you a pretty amazing start to the rest of your life. And you deserve that.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.