I’m really bothered by this — not that he had sex with someone while he was getting to know me — but that he overtly tried to ‘test’ me, his sole motive being to catch me off guard and see if I handled it in a way that he liked. I was taken aback and thought aloud a bit about how, as a single person, he is allowed to sleep with/do whatever he wants, and that I was perplexed as to why he had ‘confessed’ this to me, since he hadn’t done anything out-of-line. I told him it’s a little unfair to test me like this, because he trapped me into a conversation and mental image that was awkward and unnecessary, since we are just really getting to know each other. If he had simply asked me how I felt about dating multiple people at once, that would not have been a weird conversation.
He has said previously that he’s wary about girls, having been hurt before, and doesn’t like what he sees as annoying general patterns of girl behavior in relationships. As a feminist, I found this eye-roll inducing, and after this most recent conversation I’m even more annoyed. My question: Is his behavior just quirky but otherwise reasonable, or am I justified to feel this is not a good sign? — Way Too Selective?
Playing a little diddy on a ukulele for a cat is quirky; wearing a real bowling shirt with the name “Frank” on the pocket for a bowling date is quirky; owning a vintage pachinko machine is quirky. Asking someone you’ve gone out with four times if she slept with someone the same weekend she slept with you for the sole purpose of telling her that you did just that is … rude. And … tacky… and kinda creepy. I mean, I’m with you. If he wanted to gauge your reaction about dating multiple people simultaneously or make sure you weren’t more invested in your “relationship” than he was, or whatever, he should have just come out and asked those questions, not a personal question about your sex life. And he sure as shit shouldn’t have “confessed” that he boned some chick the same weekend he slept with you.
Seriously, this guy lacks class, and that fact that he actually told you he’s “wary of girls” because “he’s been hurt before” means he’s a tool, too. You’ve been hurt? Aww, welcome to life, little guy! Sometimes, sucky things happen! You had some bad experiences in dating? How unique! And quirky!
For all the reasons you gave, this is a good guy to MOA from. You are not being “too selective” by demanding a little respect and an ounce of maturity. And you know what you should say to him when you let him know it’s over? This: “Hey, do you ever go out with someone a few times and think it’s going well only to realize the person is sort of a tool and you don’t want to see them anymore?” “No?” “Oh, well, I only ask because, ha ha, that’s exactly what has happened to me! With you! I’m just trying to be honest so you won’t get hurt! Tee-hee!”
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.