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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
After finding this out, I told him I needed some time to figure out if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see himself with me in the long run. We are both in our early 20s, but I’m not sure if I want to spend years of my life with someone who doesn’t see me as “the one.” However, he is such an amazing guy and we have a really good relationship and are both happy together. Should I stay with him and enjoy it while it lasts, or should I move on already? — A Moving Conundrum
In your first paragraph you say that to make sure you both want the same thing and are ready for a step as big as moving in together, you asked your boyfriend whether he saw a longterm future with you. One would presume that, since you were doing the asking, you do see a longterm future — possibly leading to marriage — with this man, and that any answer from him to the contrary would mean you don’t “want the same things,” right? Well, your boyfriend truly does seem to be the “amazing guy” you say he is because he gave you a huge gift — the gift of honesty. He told you that he can’t see himself ever marrying you or having a life with you. It must have been a real blow to hear those words, but you are very, very lucky to have heard them now versus one, two, three years down the road after moving in with him and investing more time and energy in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. I know so many women who would have killed to hear those words before spending a big chunk of their 20s — and 30s — with men who would never commit to them.
So, knowing what you know now, you have to make a decision — one I really, really hope does NOT include moving in with the guy; you have to decide whether you’re going to stay with your boyfriend and enjoy the “here and now” or whether you’ll spare yourself further hurt feelings down the line and move on already. That’s a decision only you can make, but I can pose a few questions for you that may help you arrive at that decision a bit more clearly. First, can you truly enjoy the relationship anymore knowing that your boyfriend likely doesn’t feel for you the way you feel for him? Can you remain happy with someone you may very well have started considering “the one,” knowing he’s sure you aren’t his one? Would you just stay with him as long as he didn’t dump you for someone he has stronger feelings for, or do you anticipate some end date in the future you both agree on? If knowing your boyfriend doesn’t see a future with you now, what would be your reason for ending the relationship eventually? Obviously, it would have to end eventually. Relationships that don’t have a longterm future always do. So, would you rather be the one to control when things end, or do you want to give him all the power? By staying with him indefinitely, you do know you’re opting for the latter, right? If that’s something you’re OK with, and if you’re OK knowing you aren’t your boyfriend’s choice in a life partner and that you’re simply someone to enjoy companionship and intimacy with until he finds someone he likes better, then by all means, stay with him. But if you aren’t OK with all of that, I think you know what your decision needs to be. And really, the sooner the better.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
spark September 7, 2011, 7:11 am
MOA! Even though you’re young, I think you will regret wasting time. And the break-up will be so painful–and likely on his terms, when he finds someone else. Who knows, another Mr. Right could be right around the corner, and you could be missing out.
meaghan September 7, 2011, 8:06 am
Living with him will not make him see how awesome you are and change his mind. I know a lot of people have the thought in their heads that they can change someone, but you can’t. Look for someone who sees you as the destination instead of the train he’s riding to get there.
Eljay September 7, 2011, 10:19 am
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 8:44 am
It’s time to move on. It hurts, I know, but dragging this relationship out longer will not make him change his mind. It will only make it harder when it ends.
How will you feel when he arrives home one day and sits you down to tell you it’s time to break up because he’s ready to settle down- and it’s not with you? How will you feel when he tells you he’s met someone he CAN see himself spending the rest of his life with?
Leave now, while you can do it on your own terms.
Quakergirl September 7, 2011, 8:51 am
Nooooooo! Don’t move in with him! This will not end well. Here’s the problem when two people with different views on the future of the relationship move in together and start to combine their lives: one of their views is going to become the reality, but they’re both going to be miserable. Either you guys continue the relationship for an indefinite period of time until you decide you want to get married, and he refuses, at which point you’ve wasted years of your 20s in a dead-end relationship and now need to untangle a life you’ve built with someone. That’s not going to be fun. And even if he eventually caves and agrees to get married, in all seriousness, how well can that end? Living together creates this huge inertia towards getting married, but if both of you didn’t really want to be married to each other in the first place, that marriage is pretty much doomed from the start.
If your goal in dating is to be married, make your dating decisions with that in mind. I get that you’re young and don’t necessarily want to get married tomorrow, but if getting married is your ultimate goal, it doesn’t make sense to date someone seriously or move in with someone who doesn’t want the same things. A casual fling is one thing, but moving in with someone is a huge financial and emotional investment. Don’t do it knowing that it’s all for nothing.
lexington September 7, 2011, 9:09 am
Le sigh… This is exactly what I was trying to say, only actually coherent. Coffee has basically given up on me.
Angie September 10, 2011, 4:54 am
Yes… brilliantly written comment. Fully agree. And not to mention (speaking to the LW) what would you do if you lived together/got married and either accidentally or purposely (on your part at least) had kids? They would be in for a world of hurt. He would be stuck between not really wanting to be with you and really wanting to be with his kids (hopefully). And having to explain to them that Mommy and Daddy don’t really love each other… and going through a whole messy divorce, custody battles, child support, etc. Also, if you are the kind of person who wants to get married, then I’m going to assume that you may want kids someday. Think about the example that you would be setting for them. That’s a bit far-fetched I know, but that could happen if you stay with this guy. A person you’re meant to be with shouldn’t feel “so-so” about you. At this point it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t want to be alone, he doesn’t really want to be with you… he just wants a space-filler until the person that “matters” comes along. Trust me, you don’t want to be a space-filler. I’ve had it happen to me in relationships and friendships. It kicks your self-esteem in the face, makes you think you’re just unlovable and you don’t matter. GOOD relationships consist of two people that bring out the best in each other. Find someone that will bring out the best in you, not bring out the clingy, self-loathing, uncertain, and miserable you that I know you don’t want to be.
lexington September 7, 2011, 8:55 am
He is not going to change his mind. He is telling you right now that he will never marry you and he is telling you the truth. Don’t waste time living with someone who is not going to be in your life long term. I’m assuming that you do want to get married someday- you could be missing out on meeting that guy while you are with someone who is just passing time with you. If a guy wants to marry you, most of the time, I think they know early on that this is the one. This guy obviously knows you aren’t. Move on.
TheOtherMe September 7, 2011, 8:58 am
Be grateful that you know this now. I am not sure how it would work out, moving in with someone who doesn’t see a future with you, isn’t the “moving in” also part of the future ?
Here’s a little secret, “the world is full of amazing guys” I’m sure you’ll find one that DOES want to have a future with you 🙂
lk September 7, 2011, 9:05 am
I say move along now & quickly! Thank him for his honesty & kiss him goodbye.
So, so, so, so many men : ) It’s a zoo out there, but zoos are fun & educational!
Skyblossom September 7, 2011, 9:07 am
Thank him for his honesty and know that he respects you enough to be honest. Many women spend years with men who give them neither respect or truth. But, don’t move in with him. You’d always be looking at him wondering why he doesn’t see a future with you. You’d always wonder when he would break up. You’ll wonder if he’s met someone he likes more than you.The uncertainty will always be a strain on both of you. Knowing that the relationship won’t last will change the way you feel about it and him. You’re in the twilight of your relationship and there is no good way to bring it back. For whatever reason it’s over and you can’t make the sun shine on it again. You can only delay the inevitable and that will constantly hurt. Thank him for his honesty and move on.
Maracuya September 7, 2011, 9:08 am
I would have to break up with him. There’s a difference between, “I’m not ready for marriage,” “I don’t ever want to get married to anyone” and “You’re not it.”
The last one is what he’s telling you, that he sees himself getting married and having a life with someone but he can’t imagine it being you. Knowing I’m just good enough for now would NOT make me want to move in with him, or even keep seeing him.
ReginaRey September 7, 2011, 8:14 am
LW – PLEASE move on now. Your boyfriend may not have broken up with you, but please don’t think that just because he didn’t say “We’re breaking up,” it means you can still stay in this relationship. When you break up with someone, you’re basically saying exactly what your boyfriend said to you: “I can’t see myself ever getting married to you or having a life with you.”
If you stay with him, he probably won’t end things right away. He’ll wait until he gets fully tired of the relationship, or he’ll drop you when something better comes along. Right now, he’s just waiting for it to run its course, and he doesn’t feel like going through the hurt of really breaking up, or upsetting you more by doing so. You may think that by staying with him you have a chance of changing his mind. Trust me – you have no chance of changing his mind. Trying to get him to love you the way you want him to – by choosing you as his life partner – will make you cling harder, which will make him run even more.
Do you really want to be that girl who clung to a relationship after the guy good and told her that he didn’t really want to be with her? Do you really want to be that girl who tries feebly to change her boyfriend’s mind, and loses her self-respect and power in the process? Do you really want to be that sad, downtrodden little person who hopes and wishes that he’ll just love her, when he already said he wouldn’t?
F*ck NO! I’m telling you right now – you do NOT want to be that girl. It’s going to take some lady balls, but stand up straight and move on from him. Don’t sell your power and your self-respect by clinging to someone who doesn’t want you. Give yourself the freedom to date and find someone who tells you: “I see myself marrying you. I see us having a life together.” Anything less is not good enough for you, or any person.
Ginelle September 7, 2011, 9:42 am
Reading this makes me so grateful for my break up. I was literally in a very similar situation my LDR was supposed to end a week from tomorrow and we were going to move in together. Until he surprised me with a visit this weekend, to tell me he doesn’t see a future with me. It sucks so much, but it’s better to be searching for “the one” rather than being with someone who is pretending that you’re their one. In the end it leads to more feels, resentment and bigger heartbreak. Either way it sucks, but if you MOA now it’ll suck less.
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 10:11 am
Ginelle September 7, 2011, 10:31 pm
Thanks. Sunday and Monday really sucked, but with work to keep me busy and baking to distract me yesterday and today, I’m doing okay with it. All I really want to know is who breaks up with someone right after sex? After a year and a half together, I’d like a better break up please!
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 9:45 am
Even if he does change his mind, which he WON’T, do you really want to spend your future with him knowing you want him more than he wants you. As I typed that, it sounded childish, and maybe it is, but who would want to feel like that? Like you had to convince him? Move on, don’t wait for something better from him or someone else for you to come along. He’s wasting your time, well he’s not actually because he’s being honest about not wanting to waste your time. Count your blessings that you wont be That Girl who is screaming at her girlfriends about the guy that wasted X years of her life.
ele4phant September 7, 2011, 12:05 pm
Its not childish at all. One of the worst feelings in the world is to love someone fully, but know that they don’t return the feeling. No one should have to endure that.
fast eddie September 7, 2011, 9:00 am
As several women have put it: So many men, so little time. In this case it needs the amendment of: Ah, to be young and anxious to have your entire life all planed out.
Every relationship has it’s pluses and minuses. If there’s more of the former your a winner. That said his honesty is commendable, he’s trying to avoid being labeled a jerk for not assuming the responsibility of fulfilling your desire to settle down. Frankly your a bit too young for that much baggage. On the same hand moving in together without the intent of it being permanent is asking for trouble. I suggest you continue to enjoy your time together and let it be what it is without the big rock hanging over your heads.
LTC039 September 7, 2011, 10:08 am
He doesn’t see a future with you… He had the balls to tell you that but he doesn’t have the balls to end things. Interesting… Do him & yourself a favor & end this. If he is telling you this so straight forward now after time together, then yeah, believe him. Couples move in together to take their relationship to the next level, whether they marry or not, moving in together is a big step. The reason a lot of these scenarios fail is because many people DON’T realize that moving in together IS a big commitment, pretty much the same as marriage, & they move in with a partner that isn’t working out from the start. If your boyfriend is saying this, moving in together is only going to make things worse in the long run. Sure at the beginning it may be roses & daisies, but yrs down the line, you’re going to find yourself resenting him. If you are in your early 20s then EMBRACE it & don’t tie yourself down to someone who isn’t going to give you what you want.
I used to talk about eventual marriage with my ex, he would tell me straight out he didn’t want to marry me, & I would pass it off as “he’s just saying that now…” No. They mean it.
Be strong & move on! Don’t waste the pretty!
HBomb September 7, 2011, 10:22 am
My advice is that it would be in your best interest to end this relationship. He honestly told you what may have been very difficult to hear, but you have to listen to what he is saying. You are only asking for trouble down the road if you stay in this and expect more out of this relationship.
Renee September 7, 2011, 10:24 am
I’m glad you had this conversation, think about so many of us who didn’t?
Yes, it’s initially painful but MOA. For me, there was always something about the 18 month mark in a relationship. Probably because you’ve been through all the holidays and met extended family. If it isn’t the right person I feel at that point there is an obligation to move on, unless you enjoy the experience of purgatory. If you feel he is then there should be talk about how to plan life out together, even if marriage is not immediate.
bagge72 September 7, 2011, 10:36 am
He definitely gave you a clear answer, and I know it’s hard, but the best thing to do would be to tell him that since he doesn’t see a future with you, that it would be best if you two went your separate ways. You say that you are both very happy in the relationship, but the truth is that he may not be as happy as you, and you are a very lucky person, because he told you that. A lot of people would have to suffer through years of a bad relationship, because they can’t let go, even though they aren’t happy. You also never know, telling him that you want to break up, might make him realize what he is missing. I know it has happened before, not saying it will happen here though.
bagge72 September 7, 2011, 10:43 am
Sorry I shouldn’t put that false hope in your head. When you break up with him, you need to have a clear mind, and go into it thinking that it is truely over, and you can move on to bigger and better things.
budjer September 7, 2011, 9:39 am
Don’t move in with him. Cut if off or continue using eachother for sex while emotionally distancing yourself until you find someone you like more.
ele4phant September 7, 2011, 12:03 pm
I know that you’re a guy so maybe its different for you, but for most women continuing to use an ex for sex will KEEP you from moving on. At least for me that’s how it played out when I tried.
There’s no such thing as emotionally distancing oneself while also being sexually intimate with an ex. Its possible to maintain an emotional disconnect while having sex with someone if you haven’t already formed a romantic bond in the past (or its been a very VERY long time), but if they are someone you’ve loved (or are still in love with), forget it. Its bad news bears.
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 12:17 pm
Bad news bears!
budjer September 7, 2011, 12:42 pm
It’s the same way for me….I don’t think you can draw a gender line there. I left the option open because if she is like us (which she probably is based on the letter) she can cut it off. If she isnt she can do exactly what this guy is doing to her if she enjoys his company enough still even with no end goal for their romance.
Addie Pray September 7, 2011, 10:43 am
LW, it’s going to be really hard but you have to do what Wendy and the others say and move on. I think I’d probably stay in it and hope he eventually changes his mind… and like Regina said above, I’d surely lose all self-respect and dignity in the process. So don’t do what I would do. Be strong now, and get out. (a) you’ll feel better about yourself and (b) you can get a jump start on healing your broken heart (as opposed to later on when he still doesn’t want to marry you and either he does the breaking up or you do, but only after even more years invested in the relationship.
Landygirl September 7, 2011, 10:46 am
He might be a great guy, but he isn’t the one for you. He stated his intentions, please believe him. MOA and don’t consider a future with him.
Jiggs September 7, 2011, 10:49 am
Oh honey, you are headed for Breakup Town. If you don’t pull this bandaid off now, you’re going to have to do it in 2-3 years (and considerably more bitterly). He doesn’t see a future with you. So why would you even consider spending part of your life with him when you know this is going nowhere? It’s different if you’re not expecting anything and are just messing around, but you’re moving in. If after a year and a half he doesn’t see a ‘life with you’, why are you around? Moving in constitutes a life with each other!
Nick September 7, 2011, 10:51 am
For educated women with prospects (I think this is the case here), the early 20’s are for playing the field, trying new things, traveling, career building, and increasing self-awareness. Even if he had said yes that he sees a future with you, I’d not endorse moving in with a guy and fully committing like that until closer to 30.
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 11:02 am
What should uneducated women without prospects do with their early 20’s then?
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 11:03 am
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 11:13 am
And wouldn’t they do that by “playing the field, trying new things, traveling, career building, and increasing self-awareness?”
I resent the implication that there is a difference between the kind of lifestyle to which women “with prospects” and women “without prospects” are entitled or should reach. “Without prospects” is what they used to call women who didn’t have enough money or beauty to catch a husband.
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 11:17 am
If to you getting educated means playing the field, traveling and increasing self-awareness…well, I’ll just stop there because I think its pretty obvious, even to an uneducated woman in her 20s without prospects. An uneducated woman in her 20s should get educated, thereby gaining prospects! A woman “without prospects” IS a woman who likely doesn’t have an education or money. What would your advice be for an uneducated young woman? Hope to “catch a husband?” Move in with her boyfriend who doesn’t want to marry her and hope things work out? Play the field?!?!
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 11:26 am
No, that’s WHAT I’M SAYING. They should get educated AND do all those things. Not rush into a relationship and/or marriage with the first guy who comes along. In fact, uneducated women have even more reason NOT to do that, because they should GET EDUCATED FIRST. And yes, playing the field is part of figuring out who you are and what you want.
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 11:31 am
OK, cool. Its just that you asked “what should uneducated women without prospects do with their early 20′s then?” implying she should be doing things other than get educated.
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 12:14 pm
It was sarcasm. I really need to start doing the “/sarcasm” thing again 😛
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 12:26 pm
Ah, the age old tale of lost sarcasm in texting/posting. 🙂 When will someone think of an easy way to display that?
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 11:19 am
To make it simpler-to get educated, you go to school and, voila, get educated!
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 11:24 am
Then, and only then, IMO, do you “earn” the lifestyle you describe. No one is “entitled” to any of those things. Work hard, then you get to do all those other things.
lexington September 7, 2011, 12:02 pm
Can someone explain to me why ‘playing the field” is necessary for a fulfilling life? And why anyone should choose an arbitrary age like 30 for settling down? Here, let me waste 3/4 of my fertile years before I start looking for anything long term. I didn’t realize life had a rulebook.
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 12:06 pm
I don’t think its necessary in the way I find it to be meant (sleeping around), but to play the other side of the field (hehe), I would think people might mean that you should give yourself a chance to experience all options and anything you can to make sure you have tried everything before settling down and picking the 1 thing you liked. ???
lexington September 7, 2011, 12:13 pm
Well no matter what you’re going to miss out on something. I think it’s ridiculous to expect that if I’m satisfied in a relationship but I’m not a specific age yet that I should look around more. And no one person is going to be %100 what you need- the whole grass is greener bit will eventually stale.
silver_dragon_girl September 7, 2011, 12:13 pm
Well, obviously life is different for everybody 😛 And I don’t see “playing the field” as meaning to sleep around, or even to date a lot of different people…just to not “settle down” with one thing/person/place/idea whatever and close yourself off to other people/experiences/ideas. Especially not at an early age.
Totally agree about the arbitrary age though. I’m not sure why 30 always seems to be the magic age.
Nick September 9, 2011, 12:41 pm
Sorry to leave you hanging, I was up in the air. And now it’s maybe too late. Nevertheless. Yeah, you understood the intent largely. Without a breadth of experience we are all just too likely to accept what we have and thereby spark the tragedy of a lifetime– which is to never know yourself fully, to never have explored yourself or others fully enough.
I mean, I ate mint chocolate chip ice-cream when I was young and it was the bees’ knees. Then I realized I really like the pureness of vanilla. Now, I go for dulce-d-leche because it rings all sorta of bells at once that I didn’t know I had. Of course I have had a bowl with both chocolate and vanilla in it at the same time…
And young uneducated women without prospects? Well, go get prospects, or just settle quickly. Crass, to be sure, but wrong? Nah.
Mainer September 7, 2011, 10:55 am
Warning: alternative view ahead. Why don’t you, I don’t know, talk to him about it? If I was with someone who told me they could see marrying me, but then further down the line changed their mind, my first thought would not be to tell him I need space, but ask “what the fuck?” Don’t let him off so easy, get him to go into it further. If he doesn’t see a future with you, ask what he expects. Ask why he doesn’t just break up with you. Even if you have already decided you are 100% done with this relationship, you have absolutely zero to lose by having him go into more detail. Tell him you can’t be with him if he doesn’t see a future, but find out if he still wants you to move in, and if so why? You don’t need to ask these questions to dictate your next move, see if he can change your mind, or see if you can change his mind. But it may give you a little more closure in this break up rather than just sitting there with your jaw open wondering what happened.
Do not use this as a motivation to stick around, but at the very least keep it in the back of your mind: he changed his mind once. Everyone who is saying he will NEVER change his mind ever again are wrong, people can change their mind (as evident in your reason for writing in). If only I had a nickel for every time I told myself I was done with my job and didn’t see myself there much longer. Sometimes people get into funks where they question their life and their decisions, both future and present. But the only way you’ll be able to know if it was this or if he truly is checking out is to talk to him about this more. Otherwise we’ll see you writing in six months from now when he tries to beg for you back because he made a mistake and you’re wondering if you should give him a second chance.
Bossy Italian Wife September 7, 2011, 11:05 am
I’m going with Wendy on this one. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is listen to people when they are being honest…. it sounds like your boyfriend was being honest with you when he said he doesn’t see a future with you. This is probably, in part, because you guys are in your early 20s–not really a time when guys are into the “future” thing.
My suggestion is that if you are ready to find a longterm partner, you dump this guy who obviously isn’t ready for it, and date guys a little older, say, in their late 20’s, who may be closer to wanting longterm commitment.
But don’t take what he said to you lightly; if he just goes around throwing statements like that out there, then he isn’t very considerate. Either way, now you know, and you shouldn’t stay in the relationship.
SGMcG September 7, 2011, 11:23 am
This boyfriend did you a favor. Not only did he tell you where he’s at, but he also saved you the hassle of moving in together and separating property accordingly when your romance with him ends. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them LW. This guy is not the one, so please MOA.
McLovin September 7, 2011, 10:28 am
This sounds like the beginning of what could be a long, and painful fade-out on his part if the two of you stay together. From the little information contained in the letter, he has clearly put the future of your relationship in your hands. It’s a cop out on his part. Most likely, he feels that by letting you know that there isn’t a long term commitment on his part that you will take the initiative and end the relationship instead of him having to do it. Move on.
cookiesandcream September 7, 2011, 11:49 am
LW, I’m not trying to question or belittle your feelings, but are you absolutely sure that you are at a place in your life where you can make significant life decisions? You say that you’re in your early 20s, so are you two still in college, or are you guys separately living on your own? If you two are still in college and thinking about sharing housing during the school year, then that’s a whole different story than living together while you both have jobs and cover your own finances. Also, you say that you two have been together for about a year and a half and “have not had any significant problems.” Personally, I think you might be jumping the gun a little bit and you should slow things down a little bit. From what I got from your letter, I feel like you might be bringing this up with your boyfriend because you think it’s the next step to take. Nobody knows what’s ahead of them, and to me it seems like you guys might need some time to grow as individuals and as a couple. A year and a half really isn’t that long of a time to know someone, and it might help if you guys gain a little more life experience before moving in together. Good luck, LW!
Jubietta September 7, 2011, 12:18 pm
The question that came to me was about the development of the boyfriend’s brain and how that’s affecting his decision processes. I understand a guy’s brain doesn’t finish growing until he’s 25. Given that, isn’t it wise to understand great changes are ahead for him? I applaud the bf for being honest and I caution throwing away 18 months of developing relationship over one conversation. I also applaud the LW for being aware of her needs and communicating them, not easy to do. I second earlier suggestions about not moving in and continued communication.
honeybeenicki September 7, 2011, 1:34 pm
Its not just men’s brains. Generally speaking, the average age of full development in the frontal lobe is right around 25, but well before then people (both male and female) are fully capable of making decisions and controlling impulses.
McLovin September 7, 2011, 12:59 pm
I’m definitely not picking on you, but I have to ask. Based on your statement, do you believe that men aren’t capable of making intelligent, meaningful decisions before the age of 25?
Jubietta September 7, 2011, 5:57 pm
No, I don’t mean that at all. My intended statement was that this is a time of great change and things that seem reasonable and intelligent at 22 might not look that way 4 years later to the same brain. Both versions of the self may be making “intelligent, meaningful” decisions with much forethought…it’s the processing equipment that changes and puts emphasis on different factors.
I am not a man-hater, I was just wondering about physiology I’ll never have the chance to experience myself.
donkey September 7, 2011, 12:23 pm
early 20s and already on the marriage bandwagon
Rachelgrace53 September 7, 2011, 11:41 pm
That’s super helpful.
MiMi September 7, 2011, 12:56 pm
Yah! Not so amazing a guy to have slotted you into the good-enough-for-now category, told you so to your face, and now thinking to enjoy your company, your body, and you paying half the rent until he’s ready to move on?! Fush you mang!
It’s time to get in shape for the run up to the holidays, LW, so lose about 170 pounds today!
Mainer September 7, 2011, 1:04 pm
My reading comprehension is sometimes a bit off, so I apologize if I didn’t pick up on this, but I didn’t get any sort of vibe from the letter to suggest the LW was pushing three bills.
lets_be_honest September 7, 2011, 1:10 pm
She means his weight. I was confused at first, too. And I’ve already had plenty of coffee today.
Mainer September 7, 2011, 1:12 pm
Ah, yeah. Like I said, sometimes not on the up and up. Just ignore me.
beenthere September 7, 2011, 1:24 pm
I’m now 27, but when I was 21 I’d been dating a guy for about a year and a half, and he told me that he could never see himself marrying me. After sticking with it for a few more years, he eventually said that he’d been wrong to make that claim when he did. That he’d been young and stupid, and didn’t know what he wanted. But, even years later, he still never really “felt that way about me” and we broke up. Moral of the story – I wasted about 8 years of my life, when I could’ve only spent 2 in a relationship that didn’t have a future. It all worked out, I’m dating a great guy now – who was waiting right around the corner. It’s amazing how different and wonderful and more fulfilling a relationship can be when you’re with someone who feels the same way about you. The paralyzing fear of never finding anyone I would be good enough for held me in the awful situation I subjected myself to. I kept thinking eventually I could change his mind. I couldn’t, and I don’t think in these situations anyone ever does. Save yourself some time and effort and tears and move on now.
Katie September 7, 2011, 1:36 pm
I don’t know. When I was in my early 20’s I specifically said I didn’t want to get married. I have since changed my mind as well, and now I am 29. Are women the only ones who are allowed to change their mind about significant life choices? I mean, if you don’t want to wait, don’t, but to say he will never change his mind seems a tad presumptuous. Good lord, I don’t know many men in their early 20’s who are gung ho about marriage.
ReginaRey September 7, 2011, 2:37 pm
There’s a huge difference in “I don’t see myself marrying YOU” and “I don’t see myself getting married.” He was quite clear that he meant the former, which is why all of us are so saying that he’ll “never change.” Of course he’ll probably get married…but he’s made it quite clear that it’s not going to be to HER. And for her to stick around and try to change his mind, or wait for him to change his mind (which he won’t…about her) is sad, and not a bit pathetic.
bittergaymark September 7, 2011, 1:42 pm
Hey’s just not that into you. Seriously. He is using you because he simply doesn’t want to be alone. Meaning its more than time to MOA. Sure, he may be a “great” guy. But clearly he’s not so great for you…
BlueBelleDelle September 7, 2011, 2:27 pm
This really struck a chord with me. I’m an avid reader of Dear Wendy and this is the first letter I’ve left a comment on, so long lurker status! Until a month ago I was in what I thought was a genuine, good relationship with a guy who shared the same views as I did on a future together, ie. we had one to look forward to. Fast forward to now and it turns out that future never really existed for him, he has figured out that he’s best on his own, or at least without me. So he’s moving back to the city, I’m moving back home, c’est la vie I guess. If I’d been told of his concerns in the beginning I doubt whatever remaining light I’d have found in the relationship could have burned for all that long, I wish he’d have told me and maybe I wouldn’t feel so burnt. I wish all the best for the LW.
MissDre September 7, 2011, 2:49 pm
This is like my biggest fear 😐
Skyblossom September 7, 2011, 4:05 pm
But if it happens to you the next guy may be the perfect one. Everyone gets burned but most end up ok.
BlueBelleDelle September 7, 2011, 4:43 pm
MissDre – It was mine too, am sure it won’t happen to you though! 🙂
Skyblossom – Aww, that’s given me renewed hope, thankyou. 🙂
MissDre September 7, 2011, 9:50 pm
Thanks guys. It’s already happened to me once and it was the worst heartbreak I’ve ever been through. Except in my case, he DID say that he wanted to marry me and be with me forever. Until one day, out of nowhere, it was “I don’t want love you anymore” and I was completely blindsided.
I am now with a really wonderful man, been together for about a year and a half. We definitely want all the same things, i.e. marriage and babies (we’ve even talked about weddings and baby names!) but I know he’s not ready to say whether or not I’m the one. About six months ago he said “I’m really happy right now and I just want to continue seeing where this goes” and I don’t think the answer has changed since then.
I just have this awful fear that I am not worth marrying and I’m trying really hard to let it go.
spanishdoll September 7, 2011, 8:00 pm
LW, I just had this conversation and just had this breakup.
Of course, we both agreed on some level that we no longer wanted to get married. But neither one of us wanted to leave, and as always, there’s no such thing as a completely mutual breakup. Ours was a healthy, loving, honest relationship just like yours, and my ex is an amazing, beautiful man just like your boyfriend. But when someone tells you point blank that they don’t want to marry you, it’s time to go.
Even though our breakup was so so sad for both of us, I know we are both coming out healthier and stronger on the other side. Part of it is no longer dealing with the doubt, anxiety and fear of a relationship that you know cannot last. Once I was free of those anxieties, I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders and that I could finally breathe easy…even if I was still crying a little bit! :]
Angie September 10, 2011, 5:12 am
Unlike the movie, Inception is not real. You can’t plant an idea in this guy’s head that he loves you and he’s committed to you. It has to come from him. It’s not coming. He’s met you, he’s been with you, he’s had a chance to test the waters and see what he could see… and he’s acknowledged that it’s not there for him, and it never will be. Lack of commitment equals uncertainty and anxiety, which equals constant emotional and mental distress. You’ll be so worried about whether the relationship will be there tomorrow that you won’t be able to stop and just enjoy the relationship today.
He’s done you the favor of telling you the truth. The more you attempt to stick yourselves together, the more it’ll hurt when you have to pull yourselves apart (although it may hurt you more than it hurts him). Don’t worry so much about planning the future. Most of the time, plans are thwarted anyway. Graciously end the relationship and take the time to get to know YOU. Spend some time with yourself and learn how to enjoy your own company. If you see how special you are, I bet someone else will too.
Laura September 19, 2012, 6:31 pm
I was in a relationship for almost three years. When I would ask my boyfriend how he felt about me he would tell me I dont know, somethings missing, you may be the one you may not, i want to be with you. These comments hurt so bad I didnt know what to do. I wanted a future with him and felt as though he was the one for me. I didnt understand why he would say these things to me. We got along well, had a lot in common, didnt argue, his friends and family really liked me. Right before our three year anniversary, he broke up with me stating I cannot move forward with you, i dont think you are the one. I look back now and wonder why I didnt leave when he would make the Im not sure comments. I hung on and tried so hard to make him happy while he was stringing me along until he found someone else he wanted to pursue. My advice: if he says he doesnt know or doesnt see a future you need to leave! Hanging on and hoping he will change his mind will leave you feeling so sad and hurt.
Norma July 13, 2013, 1:58 pm
I met someone and within a few months we decided to move in together. I have beens single 8 years him just finalized after 2 to 3 years of uncertainity in his marriage. Anyway I really thought he was the one we were compatiable and happy. He would tell me he loved me, bought me gifts, flowers, and was always very giving. But as soon as I moved in he became distant and would not speak to me 2 to 3 days. He finally told me he was empty and not happy. The final straw came he told me he could not see a future with me. I am very confused and moved out with no where to go. I gave up my home, sold lots of my household and personal items. He says he feels terrible. He recently went off his antidepressants 3 months ago. Did I do the right not moved out and haven’t contacted him?
Ashley January 12, 2014, 7:27 pm
Going through the same thing but im 31. have no clue what to do …:-(
Andy February 23, 2014, 4:08 pm
Same here, Ashley, same here. I’m 32 and living with my bf. All signs point to “break up with him” but I think I need time to get to that place in my head and build up the courage. Because right now I’m just sad.
lmnop123 May 10, 2014, 10:42 pm
I agree with many of these comments, but time invested in a relationship that does not end in marriage is not always time wasted!
Rdavis September 8, 2019, 12:18 am
I’m the same age and stituation except I already live with him and his family and he decided to say this to me now and I told him many times what I wanted but now this.Now I feel like this whole relationship was a lie and that i’ve wasted more time ,for nothing?
Soph January 4, 2021, 1:21 am
Well i’m 37 and it’s been almost 3 years. We live together and i thought he was my forever person. He did too, but now can’t see a/the future, so can no longer see the family i’d asked him about a year ago. Can’t see any way around these scenarios but through guys… either they realise what they have and give to the relationship or we have to give to ourselves and our own futures and leave.