I met this guy “K” on the dating site, Plenty Of Fish, and he was amazing. We talked for HOURS the day he messaged me. He asked for my number so we could text, and I said, “Sure no problem,” — we had SO much in common I would’ve been a fool not to. We continue to text for another 3-4 hours non-stop that night. Next day, same thing — non-stop flirty texting.
We work next door to each other, in the tourism industry, and make plans to meet up after work two days after we started talking. The evening goes AMAZING! We mesh well, convo flows like we’d known each other forever (we live in Niagara Falls so we went for a moonlit walk by the falls; tres romantic no?), he holds my hand, we kiss, it was like a movie. Texts continue — about how much we miss each other etc.
So I go see him at work on my lunch break one day, and I swear it changed everything. Later that night K tells me “You look skinnier in the daylight.” OMG this girl is SWOONING! (I am a larger girl (probably close to 200, but losing!) so for any guy to tell me I look skinny is like words from God himself) Turns out to him that’s a bad thing. I’m TOO SKINNY! I thought he was joking with me at first. No, his ex has a good 150-200lbs on me and that’s what he was looking for. I was flabbergasted.
Needless to say, our convos die down to next to nothing, but he still says he misses me and that we need to hang out more. Oookay then. We make plans to hang out again, but he doesn’t show. I’m devastated. He eventually texts me to say he doesn’t think it’ll work out because I don’t weigh enough. I convince him to at least give us a chance because if he likes who I am, he can learn to get over the weight thing. He agrees, and we try making plans again. Two more times now something has come up and he’s blown me off.
I know I’m being stupid in even trying anymore, but there’s just something about him that makes me not want to let it go. My best friend (straight male) says to leave it alone, that he’s being an ass and I deserve better. My mom says the same thing. Is it possible that I’m just so desperate to have someone love me that I’m willing to put up with his crap in hopes he’ll change his mind? He still says he misses me and always sends “:(” when the plans fall through. This has not even been two weeks and I’m losing sleep and starting to feel horrible about myself. — Not Big Enough
You’ve known this guy two weeks, during which time you’ve met with him in person once and have been blown-off at least three times and you can’t help but think there’s “just something about him” that makes you not want to let go?! Could that something be that he thinks you’re skinny? Because other than that, what do you really know about him that would explain your obsession with him? Even desperation for love wouldn’t explain why you’d be hanging on to some guy who has made it exceptionally clear he isn’t interested in dating you.
Come on, get some self-respect. This guy’s a loser. What if, instead of saying you were too skinny to date, he was telling you you were too fat? Would you still be pining away for him even after being stood up three times in a row? I hope your self-esteem isn’t that low. I would hope that as soon as some doofus told you to your face that you were simply too fat for him to date that you’d tell him he was too much of an asshole to date and then delete his number from your phone and never think about him again. What he said to you — that you’re too skinny to date — is just as cruel and disrespectful. Certainly, he’s entitled to his preferences, but to say those words to you is unbelievably dick-ish, and if you can’t see that … well, you could probably benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist.
I’m thinking the reason you can’t see how dick-ish he is is because while for him you being too skinny is a turn-off, for you it’s a huge turn-on. For someone who is trying to lose weight, to be told she doesn’t weigh enough can be seductive. As much as he seduced you with his flirty texts and romantic moonlit walk along Niagara Falls, he seduced you with words that were not in any way meant to be flattering. In his mind, he was putting you down. He was telling you you lack what he’s looking for.
So, please, for the love of god, MOA. Keep working on losing weight if that’s what makes you feel good about yourself (or, just accept where you are right now, if you’re healthy), but don’t turn toward some guy with a fat fetish to make you feel dainty. That’s not a healthy way to go about boosting your self-esteem. Keep working on yourself for yourself, because when you no longer need validation from a man, you will be able to truly enjoy the things a good man can give you — love and companionship. K is not that man, and honey, there truly are “plenty of fish” out there.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.