I met this guy “K” on the dating site, Plenty Of Fish, and he was amazing. We talked for HOURS the day he messaged me. He asked for my number so we could text, and I said, “Sure no problem,” — we had SO much in common I would’ve been a fool not to. We continue to text for another 3-4 hours non-stop that night. Next day, same thing — non-stop flirty texting.
We work next door to each other, in the tourism industry, and make plans to meet up after work two days after we started talking. The evening goes AMAZING! We mesh well, convo flows like we’d known each other forever (we live in Niagara Falls so we went for a moonlit walk by the falls; tres romantic no?), he holds my hand, we kiss, it was like a movie. Texts continue — about how much we miss each other etc.
So I go see him at work on my lunch break one day, and I swear it changed everything. Later that night K tells me “You look skinnier in the daylight.” OMG this girl is SWOONING! (I am a larger girl (probably close to 200, but losing!) so for any guy to tell me I look skinny is like words from God himself) Turns out to him that’s a bad thing. I’m TOO SKINNY! I thought he was joking with me at first. No, his ex has a good 150-200lbs on me and that’s what he was looking for. I was flabbergasted.
Needless to say, our convos die down to next to nothing, but he still says he misses me and that we need to hang out more. Oookay then. We make plans to hang out again, but he doesn’t show. I’m devastated. He eventually texts me to say he doesn’t think it’ll work out because I don’t weigh enough. I convince him to at least give us a chance because if he likes who I am, he can learn to get over the weight thing. He agrees, and we try making plans again. Two more times now something has come up and he’s blown me off.
I know I’m being stupid in even trying anymore, but there’s just something about him that makes me not want to let it go. My best friend (straight male) says to leave it alone, that he’s being an ass and I deserve better. My mom says the same thing. Is it possible that I’m just so desperate to have someone love me that I’m willing to put up with his crap in hopes he’ll change his mind? He still says he misses me and always sends “:(” when the plans fall through. This has not even been two weeks and I’m losing sleep and starting to feel horrible about myself. — Not Big Enough
You’ve known this guy two weeks, during which time you’ve met with him in person once and have been blown-off at least three times and you can’t help but think there’s “just something about him” that makes you not want to let go?! Could that something be that he thinks you’re skinny? Because other than that, what do you really know about him that would explain your obsession with him? Even desperation for love wouldn’t explain why you’d be hanging on to some guy who has made it exceptionally clear he isn’t interested in dating you.
Come on, get some self-respect. This guy’s a loser. What if, instead of saying you were too skinny to date, he was telling you you were too fat? Would you still be pining away for him even after being stood up three times in a row? I hope your self-esteem isn’t that low. I would hope that as soon as some doofus told you to your face that you were simply too fat for him to date that you’d tell him he was too much of an asshole to date and then delete his number from your phone and never think about him again. What he said to you — that you’re too skinny to date — is just as cruel and disrespectful. Certainly, he’s entitled to his preferences, but to say those words to you is unbelievably dick-ish, and if you can’t see that … well, you could probably benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist.
I’m thinking the reason you can’t see how dick-ish he is is because while for him you being too skinny is a turn-off, for you it’s a huge turn-on. For someone who is trying to lose weight, to be told she doesn’t weigh enough can be seductive. As much as he seduced you with his flirty texts and romantic moonlit walk along Niagara Falls, he seduced you with words that were not in any way meant to be flattering. In his mind, he was putting you down. He was telling you you lack what he’s looking for.
So, please, for the love of god, MOA. Keep working on losing weight if that’s what makes you feel good about yourself (or, just accept where you are right now, if you’re healthy), but don’t turn toward some guy with a fat fetish to make you feel dainty. That’s not a healthy way to go about boosting your self-esteem. Keep working on yourself for yourself, because when you no longer need validation from a man, you will be able to truly enjoy the things a good man can give you — love and companionship. K is not that man, and honey, there truly are “plenty of fish” out there.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
Lydia June 13, 2011, 8:19 am
Couldn’t agree more with Wendy’s advice. This guy has been a real jerk to you and you deserve better. MOA, girl.
Desiree June 13, 2011, 8:27 am
Regardless of the unpleasantness of telling her she wasn’t good enough to date, any man who stands a woman up MULTIPLE times and sends a frownie face as explanation is indescribably insipid.
kerrycontrary June 13, 2011, 8:56 am
Yay Wendy! “What if, instead of saying you were too skinny to date, he was telling you you were too fat?” That’s exactly what I was thinking when reading this letter. Any guy who comments on a girl’s weight, especially after a first date, is an ass. I was actually thinking about this getting ready this morning. When I was in high school I was very very thin. A combination of genetics and ballet 5 days a week gave me a runway-thin figure, but the thing is, people commented on it all the time (and not in the good way). During figure drawing in art class people would draw me as a stick figure, or people would constantly ask if I was sick, or had an eating disorder. While I wouldn’t compare this to the struggles that may come about as an overweight teenager it was still not right. No matter what size you are, it’s uncomfortable for someone to comment on your weight. Not only should you MOA, I would straight up tell this guy off because he needs to learn that lesson.
Katie June 13, 2011, 10:33 pm
my sister is similar- no ballet, but she is just very tiny. she gets SO SO mad at people sometimes, like literally will start yelling at them in public places.
people should be together because they have like minds, and value the time spent together and just want to be around the other person. it shouldnt have really anything to do with their bodies…
silver_dragon_girl June 13, 2011, 8:57 am
This guy is a jerk. He stood you up, if I count correctly,THREE times?! Girlfriend, there is NO EXCUSE for that. None! He doesn’t want to go out with you. He told you so. Still doesn’t excuse his behavior, but come on. There are PLENTY of guys out there, you do NOT have to pine away for this one.
PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 9:11 am
I agree with Wendy and the other commenters – MOA. He’s been quite blunt in telling you that he’s not attracted to you, so don’t waste any more time. If his explanation is truly the reason, you don’t want to gain weight just to try and get him interested in you. Something about this sequence of events and his explanation seems “off” to me, but the message is quite clear from him in what he’s said to you and how he’s treated you. You’ve invested next to nothing in this, so forget about him and find someone else.
ReginaRey June 13, 2011, 9:18 am
It seems “off” to me too. Especially that he wants someone more like his ex-girlfriend…this guy could very well be hung up on the girl that broke up with him, trying to find someone to fill her shoes. And responding with a sad face?? He cared so little he couldn’t even use real words?? Please.
PFG-SCR June 13, 2011, 9:46 am
That’s not what I was thinking – my first thought was, “No one looks twice their size in the dark,” so I’m just questioning whether he gave her an explanation that he thought would let her down gently. However, it’s irrelevant – he’s made it quite clear that he’s not interested in pursuing things with her any further so she needs to MOA.
ReginaRey June 13, 2011, 10:05 am
Entirely plausible, as well. I definitely think there’s a chance that they “you’re too skinny” was a doucheish line to “let her down easy,” instead of doing the honest and much kinder thing, which is to just up and say, “I’m not interested.”
SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 9:59 am
Yeah it struck me that she’s not “too skinny” for him to like her, just too skinny to be a replacement for his ex. He’s looking for a carbon copy so he can pick up that relationship as if it never ended.
LTC039 June 13, 2011, 10:42 am
I believe he is classified as a “chubby chaser.”
MJ June 13, 2011, 9:24 am
I don’t know if this is a universal thing, but I’ve noticed that the fast-moving online things almost always fizzle out really quickly. It’s fun and heady and exciting to have a guy really into you, to be texting and flirting and going on fun dates (or one fun date) and I’ve done it. But it almost always ends as fast as it began, leaving me wondering “what the hell was that?”
I’m not saying this is everyone’s experience, but I’m always guarded at the beginning when something goes so quickly. This guy is not worth another minute of your time.
leilani June 13, 2011, 9:27 am
Well, here are your choices: 1) Tell this guy to eff off and go about your life, and 2) Continue to pine after him, try to convince him to go out with you, get stood up (because he was too much of a wuss to just turn you down in the first place), and receive ambiguous emoticon texts, all while he continues to tell you that he likes your personality but just doesn’t find you attractive. Why would you sign up for option #2? You already feel horrible about yourself after two weeks and one date. You really shouldn’t subject yourself to any more of this. I mean, you go on a date with a guy and then he tells you he was only into you because he found you more attractive when you were obscured by darkness? You deserve so much better.
spaceboy761 June 13, 2011, 9:32 am
Quick grammar note: I believe that ‘dickish’ does not take a hyphen.
ReginaRey June 13, 2011, 8:36 am
In answer to your question: “Is it possible that I’m just so desperate to have someone love me that I’m willing to put up with his crap in hopes he’ll change his mind?” – Yes. You said, “I convince him to at least give us a chance”…that is the problem. You don’t convince someone who is right for you to give you the time of day. They are convinced to be with you all on their own. They show up to your dates because they WANT to, and they don’t blow you off because they couldn’t possibly imagine missing out on the chance to spend time with you and get to know you more…regardless of your weight.
Because you came out and asked Wendy if you were desperate for love, I think you realize that you were allowing this dude to treat you like crap. You even went as far to say, “I know I’m being stupid in even trying anymore,” which convinces me that you have the desire to be treated better, but maybe you don’t have the strength just yet or the tools to get to that confident place. Remember that people worth spending your time on are people who want to spend time on you. If that’s not how they’re behaving, walk away with your head held high. Every time you walk away from a loser who blows you off and treats you badly, you’re that much closer to finding someone who WILL see how awesome you are.
elisabeth June 13, 2011, 9:56 am
On top of all the smart commentators above me, I’d like to point out that you (LW) say you’re working towards losing weight and (I assume) getting healthy. I would worry that if you were to get back into this guy’s good graces, he could severely hinder your ability to regain control of your health by discouraging healthy habits and lifestyle changes in the name of wanting a larger girl. Don’t do yourself that disservice!
Valerie June 13, 2011, 11:38 am
I was thinking the exact same thing. The LW needs to find a guy who will support her no matter what her weight, or whether or not she’s trying to change that weight. Losing weight can be very difficult (I know, I’ve been there. I needed to lose about 30 lbs, which I did successfully with Weight Watchers…and the encouragement of my friends and my boyfriend), and since the LW is actively trying to lose weight, there are plenty of guys out there who will work with her in helping to prepare healthy meals, choosing restaurants with healthy menu choices, suggesting fun “activity dates” such a tennis or a brisk walk in the park, and overall be encouraging to the LW throughout the “ups and downs” of trying to lose weight. And l’m willing to bet that these guys will also love the LW no matter what her size! LW, MOA and find a guy who likes you for YOU not for your weight.
LennyBee June 13, 2011, 2:27 pm
I was thinking the same thing. Besides the guy clearly being a douche, and standing you up, Don’t date people who will hinder your goals! Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to try to reach whatever your goal weight is while dating a man who thinks you’re “too skinny”. That’s a man who will do everything in his power to prevent you from reaching your goals, and then dump you for being too skinny when you do reach them. Why would you do that to yourself? Surround yourself with helpful, encouraging people! Surround yourself with people who will love you no matter what.
SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 2:52 pm
Definitely, you need a man who will love all sizes of you, not just the perfect size one.
My boyfriend thinks he’s fat. Although I think he’s sexy as he is, I know he wants to lose weight so I help him. I tell him I love you how you are, so don’t do this for me. But I cook healthier, we run together, and help each other to get fit. You want a boyfriend who will help you reach your goals and who will love you and think you’re sexy all the way to them.
LTC039 June 13, 2011, 9:51 am
Don’t ever feel you need to settle, & accept SHIT from someone to feel loved. You ARE loved.
You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
MOA from this asswipe.
Nadine June 13, 2011, 10:56 am
You dont need some guy telling you what is wrong with you after one date. Doesnt matter what it is about, it is not his place to criticize what you look like, or who you are. He might feel bad about it, which is why he is sending you emoticons, but not enough to actually date you, which is why he is failing to actually show up to dates……..
elisabeth June 13, 2011, 3:25 pm
And if he feels bad enough to date you, I’d MOA even more quickly. No pity dates, no thank you, you are better than that!
cdobbs June 13, 2011, 11:11 am
After the first time he blew you off you should have ditched this loser! he obviously has no manners (a real man doesn’t blow people off, a real man would just be honest and tell you straight up he doesn’t want to see you). don’t ever feel that you aren’t “big enough”, “smart enough”, “skinny enough”, “funny enough”, “pretty enough”, etc, etc! No! the problem isn’t you, its him! you will find and meet someone who accepts you for you! don’t waste time on people like this! life is too short!
SpyGlassez June 13, 2011, 7:50 pm
Exactly! She wouldn’t have stuck around (hopefully) if he’d said she was “smarter in the moonlight” or “more feminine in the moonlight” or “way hotter in the moonlight.” She would have recognized any of those for what it was – a douche-move way of saying he isn’t interested. MOA, LW. MOA. He already has.
SGMcG June 13, 2011, 11:20 am
Apart from the comment that you are too skinny for him to date (WTF?) because he likes them bigger thanks to past experiences with his ex (seriously, WTF?) you gave him THREE chances to hang out more. And he bailed on you THREE MORE TIMES. That’s three strikes right there. His behavior is telling you that he doesn’t want to see you anymore – even he said it at one point. Don’t just MOA – DTMFA.
April June 13, 2011, 10:27 am
This is such great advice, as always!
Yozi June 13, 2011, 10:30 am
This article from the village voice got a lot of press when it was published. It’s about guys who are into larger women. I thought it was interesting. Maybe he was one of these guys? But still, I don’t think any women should try to change her natural shape for a guy. Being healthy is most important.
ReginaRey June 13, 2011, 10:54 am
I found this article fascinating when I read it! It’s long, but worth the read. From a sociological standpoint, it was really interesting to discover some of the cultural aspects and terminology that I had no idea even existed.
honeybeenicki June 13, 2011, 11:54 am
I didn’t check out the article yet (I’m at work and have to get something done other than Dear Wendy sometimes apparently), but I know I’ve seen shows and read articles about guys who like bigger girls as well as the “feeders” and “feedees” who are people who get sexual pleasure from feeding their SO and watching them gain weight.
TheGirl June 13, 2011, 2:21 pm
BONES strikes again. That show has taught me way more than I ever thought possible about alternative lifestyles. Feeders, horse play, you name it, they cover it!
Rachelgrace53 June 13, 2011, 11:51 am
There is NOTHING about this guy you should still want, LW. Sure, he was nice when he thought you were fat. But everything he has done since then? TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. He basically said you are ugly to him. And he doesn’t miss you. He misses who he thought you were. He is a Douche (with a capital “D.”)
Budjer June 13, 2011, 12:26 pm
Wendy said it well.
I would add that regardless of his reason for saying it (lying or legitimate) the point is you should never be with someone who wants to change you. You should be with someone who accepts / likes you for you – as is….unless of course it’s a life-threatening habit or lifestyle.
Sarah June 13, 2011, 12:38 pm
This is not even just an MOA, this is like an MOA parfait.
On the first layer you have dude who tells you he’ll be more attracted to you if you change your body type. MOA
The second is him blowing you off. MOA X2 More than once. MOA X4
The third is him continuing to communicate with you to lead you on in the hopes you’ll change to his preferences. MOA X100
The final one is him using a sad face. A SAD FACE. I can’t even. No. MOA X∞
Sarah June 13, 2011, 1:19 pm
I may or may not have been eating a parfait when I wrote this comment.
Budjer June 13, 2011, 1:39 pm
yea…no self-respecting guy uses a frownie face…
plasticepoxy June 13, 2011, 5:30 pm
my several male friends and the boyfriend who use emoticons liberally totally missed out on that memo, haha!
SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 5:53 pm
Mine too, plasticepoxy. My dear boyfriend texts me emoticons every day, usually in response to the hearts I send him.
Brooklyn June 13, 2011, 10:00 pm
Dude! For real! I dated a guy that used those in txt msgs all the time. Came off strange at the time. Still strange every time he does it.
Maracuya June 14, 2011, 2:47 pm
My boyfriend uses emoticons. And hearts!
kali June 13, 2011, 12:49 pm
I didn’t see anyone comment on this yet so I will add: Plenty of Fish is one of those free dating websites where you often get what you pay for. My girlfriend met a douchenozzle there too. I say if you’re going to try internet dating, try one of the sites where you have to pay. That condition alone automatically weeds out some of the lookie-loos.
Best of luck on your weight loss efforts! You deserve a great guy and much happiness!
Kate June 13, 2011, 1:05 pm
yeah, I though POF was a creeper site. LW should use a better site (I don’t know which are good).
MissDre June 13, 2011, 1:07 pm
Just going to disagree with you on this point. Like anything, it will work for some and not for others. I met my boyfriend of over a year now on POF. My brother met his wife on POF.
And, my friend met her boyfriend of over a year there as well and they are now buying a house and having a baby together 🙂 She and I both found the pay sites to be useless. Neither of us met anybody there.
SpaceySteph June 13, 2011, 1:12 pm
Eh I think there are douchenozzles everywhere.I met some rather ridiculous examples on J-Date and a friend of mine has met a really nice girl on OkCupid. I think the only way to avoid wasting time on these jerks is to develop a better personal filter. Item 1 in my personal filter: anyone who makes a negative comment about my appearance can go fuck himself, because he has lost the opportunity to fuck me.
MsMisery June 13, 2011, 1:21 pm
Yeah, a friend of mine met his wife on OKCupid. All I met was freakazoids. It’s a crapshoot.
kerrycontrary June 13, 2011, 1:24 pm
hahah your last line is priceless
plasticepoxy June 13, 2011, 5:34 pm
I met my excellent bf on ok cupid, but he was definitely a hidden gem! Most of the guys that sent me messages were not the kind of guy I was interested in meeting. I actually only met my bf in real life, I turned everyone else down. And, I’m sorry to say, not many (like, maybe 2?) of the men I contacted (instead of them contacting me) responded. Internet dating is as much effort as “real” dating, which is easy to forget.
Lydia June 13, 2011, 5:21 pm
I disagree, I tried some paid sites but got very fed up with them – not even with the guys on them but with the limitations those sites place on the info you can put in your profile and means of communication. I much preferred dating on OkCupid, where I could pretty much date the way *I* wanted to, and finally met my boyfriend.
AKchic June 13, 2011, 1:01 pm
Walk away sweetie. He’s a “chubby chaser” and likes them a lot bigger than you are. I knew a guy who was so much of one that he left his wife after she lost enough weight to be under 200lbs and started dating a 19 year old who was 275lbs. His daughter was 12 at the time. When the 19 year old lost enough weight to be under 200lbs and said she wanted kids, he dumped her too.
You deserve better. You think there is something about him because he said you were smaller than he likes. You translated that to “skinny” or “small” and that makes him “special” to you. Honey – there are guys out there that will like you (and love you) for you. And that includes your size, no matter what size you are. My current guy has watched me go from 130 to 190 in less than 4 months (medications and a miscarriage) to my current weight of 170 (just can’t get rid of the medication weight). I was 180 when I went into labor with our son. I still weigh more than he does, but he still loves me. There is a guy out there for you – don’t settle for a jerk who would prefer that you endanger your health to pack on the pounds just to please him – which is what he wants you to do.
Be healthy, be strong, and love yourself. A guy will come along and love that about you, and love you unconditionally.
Turtledove June 13, 2011, 2:15 pm
I don’t think there are words vile enough to describe this guy (at least that I’ll willingly use in public) Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what his preferences are as far as weight. He could very easily be lying to you in order to manipulate you into the situation you now find yourself; pining after a man who doesn’t want you. Only he’s not going to say so. It makes him feel good to have you waiting in the wings while he hooks another girl by sighting out her weaknesses and using them against her. (I had a roommate who had this MO)
So run. Run as far and as fast as you can. Next time he texts you with a frowny face (what is he, 12?) tell him to go pound sand.
lk June 13, 2011, 2:21 pm
I know it’s rough to think you “wasted” time, energy & emotions on this man. You may be feeling that you are doing something wrong because you enjoyed your date & thought it was a special night.
It WAS a special night! You don’t have to forget what it feels like to fall for someone – you just have to let go of the idea that this guy was in your life for more than a few days or weeks.
I like to write & journal, so when I have an especially emotional experience (whether it turns out to be something big or small in the end) I write a poem or story about it or draw a picture. It helps me validate & process my emotions – & it’s nice to have as a memory later!
Yammy June 13, 2011, 3:46 pm
You are a lady, not a fetish object. MOA. You deserve someone who is not only turned on by your body type, but also respects your time & feelings.
SpyGlassez June 13, 2011, 7:53 pm
lexie.b June 13, 2011, 4:18 pm
Those smiley faces he sends after your plans “fall” through are just a manipulation tactic. Either he doesn’t feel bad and is doing that to keep you thinking about him so maybe one day he can turn it around and get a quick lay out of you, or he’s doing it to settle his conscious.
argo June 13, 2011, 9:29 pm
Don’t know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but your best friend that’s a straight male who says you deserve better is in love with you probably.
Brooklyn June 13, 2011, 10:03 pm
Disagree. My guy friends tell me things like that all the time. It just means they care about me and want me to be happy. Plus, it is obviously true that the LW deserves better. A stranger on the subway would tell her that. We are telling her that. Doesn’t mean we are secretly in love with her. It just means she can do better.
Katie June 13, 2011, 10:42 pm
i think that at the heart of this problem, you want to be with someone who you can talk with, and love, and have all those relationship things with…. he wants a big girl that he can lust after, have sex with, watch undress, whatever he likes to do with his girls…
so, you really want a PERSON (as in mind and body),
he wants a DOLL (as in just body)
not a doll in the weird sex toy ways, but you know what i mean. is there a better word for that?
thats what I think.
not big enough June 14, 2011, 1:44 am
I wanted to let everyone know I listened to your advice and deleted hm from life. But not before sending him a strongly worded email telling him how he’d hurt me and that he needed to get his act together before he hurt someone else. Also for the record I’d like t state my friend is in no way interested in me in that way just as I am in no way interested in him. He’s like my brother and that would just be gross lol.