“He Doesn’t Want to Meet My Family”

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half months. I am 25 and he is 31. Just as we started dating he told me there was another woman in his life but he wanted me to be his girlfriend and so he was going to leave her, plus she didn’t mean anything to him, but he didn’t want to be rude by dumping her so suddenly. Later, I found out through him that he has a 13-year-old daughter — with yet another women. We broke up for a while, but then he begged me to get back together.

He says it’s too early for either one of us to meet family, he never has time to be with me on weekends (always something important comes up), and during the week we both are very busy with work, leaving just a few hours to be together each week. When I say he should meet my mom or that I should meet his, he says I am rushing things, but I shouldn’t worry because it will happen. I invited him to come with me to my best friend’s wedding this weekend and he said he can’t because his cousin is getting engaged and another friend has a graduation party.

At first I just wanted to be with him because most of my friends are settling and getting married, but now I love him and I don’t want to lose him for anything in this world but all of this makes me so insecure. Generally speaking, he is loving, caring and affectionate, and makes me feel heard and loved. What should I do? — Settled

MOA, MOA, MOA. If it’s only been 2 1/2 months and you’ve already broken up once, you hardly ever see each other, and he declined an invitation to your best friend’s wedding because his cousin was going to get engaged — and what kind of excuse is THAT anyway? — then this isn’t a relationship worth even losing a wink of sleep over. At most, you’re friends with benefits, but considering he doesn’t sound very friendly and the benefits don’t sound great, you need to move on already.

PS He’s married.

I’m pretty new to the dating world, and recently, I started talking to a guy and we hit it off great. The Friday before Thanksgiving, he said that he would consider our relationship as “seeing each other.” But we actually went out of town together for the weekend for a Friendsgiving party, and I got pretty drunk. We ended up have sex more than once, but I blacked out and I only remember a little. It was his first time, and I feel so guilty. In the morning when I woke up and also on the car ride home, he said that he wanted to slow things down. When I asked him “what are we?” (the dreaded question), he said he didn’t want to answer that and he’d need time to process. Did I ruin this relationship by moving too quickly? If he doesn’t want to define what “slowing down” means, then should I move on? I really like this guy. — Fakesgiving Faux Pas

 
“Let’s slow down” is always a demotion from whatever relationship status you thought you were. So, a demotion from “seeing each other” could be “just friends” or maybe “friends with benefits,” or possibly, “Uh, you got seriously drunk and blacked out and don’t even remember all those weird things you said and did so I’mma just back away slowly and hope you don’t ask any questions.” Yeah, I’d say you should probably move on and, if he contacts you, you can be pleasantly surprised but I wouldn’t hold your breath or anything.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

19 Comments

  1. kerrycontrary says:

    LW3…omg stop getting pregnant. It’s not that hard to NOT get pregnant. I’ve been sexually active for 7 years and have never gotten accidentally pregnant. Yes, accidents happen, but 3 accidents!!?

  2. LW1: It souds like the “other woman” is still in his life. Move on. And PLEASE don´t just be in a r/ship “because everyone else is”. That´s a crappy reason to do things in life.

    LW3: Birth control. FFS use birth control. 3 “accidental” pregnancies in a year?

    1. I thought the exact same thing for LW1. Clearly, there is some other woman that is his first priority.

    2. Also LW3 you´re at college (presumably). Take advantage of that to read and learn, instead of ll these “accidental” pregnancies. Guilty “conscious” really??

  3. Um, who gets pregnant not once, not twice, but THREE times?!?! I’d think the first time would be enough to teach any sane woman that she needs birth control!

  4. LW1: WWS+MOA=happier LW1

    LW2: WWS.

    LW3: How does a woman who doesn’t want to have a baby get pregnant three times within a year? Oh wait, you weren’t using birth control. I really don’t understand this LW. Birth control exists in many forms: condoms, pills, patches, rings, IUDs, arm implants, etc. Double or triple up your protection if you don’t want to have a baby OR an abortion. There is no excuse for unwanted pregnancies anymore. Get with the program lady

  5. Ugh.

    LW1: How does this guy make you feel “heard and loved” when he has no time for you? And why are you already thinking you “don’t want to lose him for anything in the world” after only two and a half months? It doesn’t even sound like you’re in a real relationship with this guy (who seems to have at least 2 other women in his life at the moment). Pull yourself together & MOA.

    LW2: Just move on. For the record, if things are right, then there’s no such thing as “ruining” the relationship potential by moving too quickly. But it seems as if both of you are totally freaked out– not a good sign.

    LW3: I hate being harsh with such a sensitive subject, but seriously, LW. Have you never heard of birth control? If you have a guilty conscience over the first abortion, then wouldn’t you have tried to be extra EXTRA careful next time?

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, though! You have a hard decision to make & I hope you have an open-minded friend or counseler to help support you. If you’re jobless & the man who impregnated you now wants nothing to do with you, I’d say that’s a terrible situation for a new baby (as well as for you)

  6. LW1 – “At first I just wanted to be with him because most of my friends are settling and getting married…” There’s your problem. That should NEVER be the first reason you are seeing someone. And how can you feel loved if you never see the guy? Sounds like you’re clinging on because of the reason you started seeing someone. And just because “everyone” is in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to be. We all do those things on our own timetable – you just haven’t reached that milestone yet. Don’t go ahead of schedule just because you feel desperate.

    LW2 – You said it was his first time. It’s possible that after that, maybe the whole mystery of it is gone, and he wants to pursue other options. So, WWS, don’t hold your breath. “Let’s slow things down” is usually the kiss of death, unless you’re in a car and telling someone to slow down to the speed limit on the highway.

    LW3 – You sound like someone I knew in college, who basically used Plan B as her birth control. For the love of humanity, PLEASE invest in birth control. Take control of your ability to get pregnant!! It doesn’t cost as much to prevent a pregnancy.

  7. i have little to no faith in humanity anymore….

    1. I saw that picture last night on CNN, so sweet, also highly recommend the CNN heroes show coming on this Sunday night – I watch every year for the double-impact of feeling like I am a failure because I haven’t developed a way for people to make their own homemade water purifier energy system (which kicks me back to volunteering and being more charitable) and makes me feel amazing about society. Some of the stories are so inspiring… read and feel better about the world!!

  8. LW1: The other woman is still around. Not being available on weekends is a dead giveaway. MOA
    LW2: Maybe you did move too fast – for him. Especially if it was his first time. He got freaked out. MOA

  9. LW1 – I had a guy tell me once he had a girl he was breaking up with and he wanted a relationship with me…yeah…turns out the girl was his wife of 17 years….
    I’m afraid your boyfriend has a life with someone else that keeps him busy on the weekend. Don’t even tell him you know – just move on, my dear, and don’t be tempted to settle again just because that is the trend in your friend circle.

  10. Trixy Minx says:

    How can you LOVE someone after two months? Two months isn’t even enough time to get to know someone and you barely even see him. Please please for yourself get some self esteem and don’t ever settle like that again.

  11. “[H]e didn’t want to be rude by dumping her so suddenly.” This made me laugh aloud. That’s really, REALLY not how these things work.

  12. LW 1: I think you might be dealing with relationship timeline issues. So when you were younger, your parents/family/friends all get involved in things early. As you get older, these things happen later than 2.5 months. I think you are expecting a different timeline that your man. For example, it is alot of pressure early in a relationship to go to a wedding where you don’t know anyone and to meet all your friends. Parents come in much later. Take a breath and let this all play out.

  13. temperance says:

    LW1: You need to love yourself more.
    LW2: Let him figure it out, but let him know that you’re available.

  14. Bittergaymark says:

    LW1). Learn to respect yourself.

    LW2). Learn to drink responsibly.

  15. “he told me there was another woman in his life but he wanted me to be his girlfriend and so he was going to leave her, plus she didn’t mean anything to him, but he didn’t want to be rude by dumping her so suddenly”
    How can people actually believe this kind of thing when it comes out of somebodies mouth? Consider him doing you a favor by not going to this wedding, and dump him now before the cheating and the lies get too out of control.

  16. Wow.

    LW1: The “other woman” he “left” and “didn’t mean anything” is probably his wife. Also, how can he be oh so perfect when he barely gives you any time? And you’ve only been “together” for only 2.5 months and you already broke up once? Get some self respect and lose him.

    LW2: Maybe back off alcohol a little. Actually, stop drinking. If you can’t control how much you drink that you get to the point of blacking out then you should not be drinking.

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