It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Yeah, your boyfriend isn’t being 100% honest with you. The real truth is that he just isn’t ready for a commitment, period. The part about your sexual past isn’t a “main” reason for the breakup. Sure, maybe he didn’t love seeing guys he knows you slept with, but he’s throwing that in your face so you will feel some responsibility for a breakup he doesn’t have the balls to take 100% of the credit for. Anyway, he broke up with you. He doesn’t want to be with you. Does the reason even matter? MOA!! (And stop talking to the guy every day!).
There are so many things wrong here, I don’t know where to start. First of all, he wasn’t your “boyfriend” if you never actually went on a first date and your interaction was limited to phone calls. You weren’t in love with him either. How you gonna love someone you don’t even know (Ryan Gosling notwithstanding)? And you don’t understand how someone who suddenly lost a brother might need a little time before feeling up for a first date? Geez, Louise. Because he’s sad as fuck and didn’t have the energy to be “on” and to be charming like one might expect a date to be. You blew it. MOA.
Well, we ended up having sex the next time we hung out (which was a day later). Now, I must point out that I’m a very good girl and that having sex with someone I just met is not me. I had never done anything like that before, but it felt so natural that I didn’t second-guess it. After sex we hung out and he played the guitar for me and initiated cuddling. In doing all of those things he broke our “no attachment” rule, but, when I called him out on that, he said that I was the one getting attached and he further stated, “I like you, just not romantically.” (Of course, all of this conversation happened over text a day later). Is he really not into me or is he just afraid? — Attached
What would he be afraid of? This whole “he’s just afraid” thing is something people (often very young women) tell themselves and each other to explain behavior that is otherwise actually pretty explainable. Look, he really, genuinely, had no interest in initiating any kind of relationship with you, despite playing the guitar in front of you after sex. Geez, if every guy who played the guitar for every woman he just boned wanted to have a relationship, there would be very few single 23-year-old guys left to pick from. He was just screwing around — literally and figuratively. I’m sorry you felt hurt by this incident, but the lesson here is that, when someone tells you he doesn’t want any attachment, he’s not just saying that. He really means that, if you have sex, there are no strings attached. And, no, it’s not because “he’s afraid”; it’s because he wants to go out and have NSA sex with someone else next weekend and then play a little Dave Matthews on his guitar for her just like he did for you and not have it mean anything.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.