In about June or July last year (2018), I met a guy through an online fuck-buddy website. We met twice and he stood me up the third time stating he was tired. He messaged me a few days later to apologize, but I responded in an unbothered way. I deleted his number but missed him, so I messaged him via Facebook. (He didn’t give me his Facebook — I searched for it, which I know seems very desperate.) Anyway, he replied saying, “You and me can’t do anything anymore.” I was so hurt by this but didn’t cry. I deleted his number and tried to move on with my life. I mean, we only met up twice — the first time we didn’t even have sex and the second time was for only a minute, neither of us came and I just wanted it to stop.
Luckily, during the time between then and now, I have become a qualified teacher passing with distinction. I feel so proud of myself, but of course a small part of me wants to see him again even knowing he’ll likely break my heart. I form attachments very quickly. Should I delete his number, respond and then delete his number, see him again, tell him I am now a qualified teacher? I am just so shocked by his messaging me just a few days ago after a five to six-month hiatus.
I need all the feedback I can get! — Now a Qualified Teacher
Congratulations on graduating with distinction and earning your teaching certification, but you really need to aim a whole lot higher when it comes to men. First the McDonald’s birthday lunch guy (which has since been deleted from the forums or I’d link to it for those who need a refresher) and now this dude? Look, he was only ever interested in you for sex, which makes sense given how you met him. He stood you up for your third meeting because the sex between you on your second meeting wasn’t any good and he probably assumed — and probably rightfully so — that your heart wasn’t into having sex with someone you only just met and that you were looking for more than just a physical connection. He’s in touch with you now because he’s horny, he remembered how you met and how you did have sex with him at least for a minute, and he figured it was worth checking in to see if you might be up for trying the sex out again. Maybe, he figures, it’ll be better this time.
And here you are, talking about how you deleted his number and “tried to move on with your life,” as if it took effort on your part to forget a guy you hardly knew at all. Here you are talking about how he is likely to “break your heart,” this guy you barely know, if you see him again. Here you are talking about seeing him again! Talking about telling him of your recent accomplishment, strategizing how to connect with him and then disconnect with him, explaining how you “form attachments very quickly.” Someone who forms attachments very quickly shouldn’t be cruising fuck-buddy sites and meeting up with strangers for sex. Someone who forms attachments very quickly shouldn’t reconnect with a man who hurt her after two measly non-dates. Someone who forms attachments very quickly should be in therapy, working through her issues, learning how to aim so much higher than men who won’t buy her even a McDonald’s birthday lunch and who stand her up for sex dates.
Well, two months ago my girlfriend’s mom, whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years, died and she went to Arkansas to be with family. She said she needed me there, so I flew out. When she got back to the island where we live, it hit her how hard it is being so far away from family (we live 16 hours away from them), and she said she wanted to slow down our relationship, and she actually has become quite depressed, as might be expected. She says she still totally loves me but can’t concentrate right now, which I get totally.
Well, that in combination with her spending family time with her ex and my work schedule (I work offshore for three weeks at a time but then have three weeks home) has left me wondering if I can deal with everything, or if this is even normal. I love her so much, but now when I go offshore, I always wonder…
I am begging for some advice – please help! — Third Wheel
Yes, it is normal for two co-parents who love their child and are cordial and friendly with each other to occasionally do things together as a family (like go to the park and to the beach). It is also normal for someone who has just lost a parent to feel and act depressed and to withdraw a little bit. It’s normal for someone in her situation, feeling jealousy from a new partner and pressure to meet his needs, to be like, “You know what, I’m kind of dealing with my own needs right now — my mother just died, remember? — and so I wanna slow this relationship down so that I can prioritize my grieving over your jealousy.” And it’s normal and healthy, given the jealousy you have, the concern and worry you feel about what goes on when you are away working for three weeks at a time, and the seeming inability to prioritize your girlfriend’s grieving over your own insecurity, to end the relationship before resentment builds on both sides.
Simply put, your girlfriend is clearly not in a position right now to give you what you need — to prioritize your emotional well-being and to ease all your concerns, and to change the co-parenting dynamic between her and her ex to suit you. Even before her mother died, there were issues between you that needed to be worked out, and now that her emotional well is understandably run dry at the moment, she does not have any reserves to give you or your relationship. You have to put your relationship on hold — perhaps for good, but at the very least for a few months — while she grieves and figures out her next steps. Those next steps may be away from you, they may be toward her ex, they may lead her back home to Arkansas. And if any of those scenarios materialize, she was never going to be the woman for you anyway.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.