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I like a guy who has a girlfriend. He’s someone I have known for a couple of years who has only become my friend over the last few months. He had to move away for work, so I don’t see him frequently, but when I do, he seems happy to see me, smiling at me and giving me hugs. He is naturally charismatic and outgoing, and he has a special quality that draws me to him, but I can’t figure out what it is.
I need to get over this guy, as I’m aware of his taken status. I have never met his girlfriend, but from what I hear, they seem to be very happy together. Therefore, I know he doesn’t have feelings for me because, if he did, he wouldn’t be with her. I am not jealous of this girl and am not planning anything to get them to break up. In fact, I purposely try not to talk to him too frequently so I don’t get emotionally attached. However, I still miss him when he’s not around and look forward to when I can see him again. The feelings are pretty strong, and I feel terrible for even having them. Some of my friends and I agree that you don’t choose love; it chooses you, but I question why, with all the single guys out there, I have feelings for a guy who is clearly not available and won’t be any time soon.
I don’t share any personal problems with him (or him with me), we’ve never had physical contact beyond the hugs or touching each other’s arms, we don’t compliment each other’s appearance, etc. My friends have said I’m not a bad person for liking him, but I can’t shake the guilt. I’m pretty heartbroken and beating myself up.
I have thought about cutting contact with him, but I don’t feel it’s right to do that with someone I have a history with, even if it’s a short one. He hasn’t done anything to deserve that, so it wouldn’t be fair to him. I feel he’s owed an explanation before I just jump ship. But I don’t know what other solution there is. If I tell him, I risk not only hurting myself further, but also hurting him and/or his girlfriend, so that’s out of the question. I also realize that feelings don’t go away like magic. I expect this to take time to heal….but how much time it will take, I don’t think you can put a timeline on it. — Crushed
I don’t understand your question. Did you ask a question? I don’t think you did. I think what you want is permission to tell this guy who has a girlfriend that you have feelings for him. You say you owe him an “explanation before you jump ship” on account of your “history,” but I can almost promise you that a few months of long distance friendship with someone you see pretty infrequently and don’t share intimate details of your life with doesn’t make for much “history.” It’s certainly not the kind of history that necessitates explanations for friendship fade-outs.
If you want to confess your feelings in hopes that your crush will realize he’s liked you all along and will dump his girlfriend for you, fine. But don’t pretend you’d be making the confession for anyone’s benefit but your own.
As for the “healing” you think you’ll need in order to move on from this crush, I don’t mean to trivialize your feelings, but, I mean, come on; it’s a crush, not a divorce. You shouldn’t need a significant amount of healing here in order to move on from a guy you’ve had a distance crush on for a handful of months. If you do, then something’s wrong. You’re putting too much stock into a fantasy. You’re building up this guy to be more than what you really know about him, and you’re definitely building up your friendship to be more than what it is/was. And when people put so much energy into something that doesn’t actually exist — in this case, a relationship between you and your crush — it’s often because they’re actively avoiding something that does exist. I don’t know what that might be for you — loneliness, a fear of rejection, a fear of intimacy, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you want a true relationship, you are eventually going to have to risk getting hurt, which means pursuing people who are actually available and opening yourself to potential rejection, hurt feelings, and a broken heart. And when you do that, then we can talk about how long it will take to “heal.”