My fiancé and I have been together for one year. We live in different states and see each other an average of two weekends out of the month. In the beginning the sex was good and frequent with him initiating it and putting in most of the effort to please me. In more recent months the sex has begun to slow down and now it is completely non-existent. Meanwhile, our relationship remains strong, loving and affectionate (besides sex) and I am as sure as one can be that he is not cheating on me.
Whenever I bring up the lack of sex to him he says that the stress of being unemployed and the fact that I never put in any effort to please him or spice things up in the bedroom have caused him to lose the desire to initiate sex. He suggested that we work on “spicing” things up in the bedroom. What bothers me is that although I am admittedly lazy between the sheets none of my past boyfriends ever lost their enthusiasm to have sex with me. I am given constant compliments on my physique and appearance by strangers and even my fiancé so I don’t understand why he has lost interest, especially since the other areas in our relationship remain strong. I am nervous that if he is already over the sex so early on in our relationship that our married sex life will not stand a chance. I only like engaging in two positions (spooning or missionary) and have never gone down on him or anyone else before. What’s the problem? Is he gay or can this be fixed? — Downhill Sex
I usually avoid answering sex questions because it’s really not my forté and there are other advice columnists who tackle them far better than I ever could. But this one I couldn’t pass up. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the problem here is — and no, it isn’t that your boyfriend is gay. The problem is that you are an (admittedly) lazy, self-absorbed, selfish woman who has skated by on her good looks and never learned that the key to a man’s heart is putting in a little effort and letting him know he’s appreciated. Have you ever heard that song about how if a man wants to be happy for the rest of his life he should never make a pretty woman his wife? You are exactly the kind of woman who inspired such lyrics. Pretty is boring — and soul-crushing, really — if there’s no heart and action behind the face (and body).
Sure, you could dump your boyfriend and move on to another chump who might be excited with you for a few weeks or months, but I promise you’ll never keep a long-term boyfriend — at least one who remains faithful to you — by expecting him to do all the work. And that goes for in the bedroom and out. Stop being so lazy if you want a long, successful happy relationship. Initiate sex once in a while. Try another position for a change. Go down on the poor guy, and I promise — I promise — his enthusiasm for you will be renewed and you will be rewarded with the commitment and attention you crave.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.