I have been dating this guy for about five months now. Things have been very non-traditional, to say the least. He is 26, I am 27. We knew each other as kids, and recently re-connected after 10 years. Both of us were fresh out of relationships that had ended poorly. We ended up being very compatible, and one thing led to another. Due to the baggage though — I would say more so his baggage — things got complicated.
About two months ago I told him I was in love with him. I’m mature enough to not need an answer, but after two months, I was hoping he would make more room for me, by which I mean: plan ahead of time to see me, make weekend plans with me (even if it’s just ONE weekend a month). He is a busy man and works long hours, which is why I understand why he wouldn’t spend every free moment he has with me. All I am asking though is that I’m not a last minute plan.
I enjoy the time I spend with him, and it’s great to have someone who values honesty as much as I do, but he says “his emotional restrictions, and my emotional expectations seem to be our biggest problem.” Well, I feel like he feels more emotional expectations from me than I really give him. So despite my strong feelings for him, I decided it was time I do something different. If what I want is to go out on a date and feel pretty, then I would go out on a date and feel pretty. Not only did I go out on a date with another man, but I told him about it. We have had this exclusive dating policy since we first started seeing each other, but the other policy was to always be honest, and if we were to start dating someone else, we had to be open about it. So I told him about it, and he seemed to get upset. I’m not surprised; I would be upset as well.
I feel like I can’t keep waiting for him to make up his mind and allow more space for me in his heart. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I felt it was time I made the best of the situation at hand. I felt like it was my time to do something for me. Time for me to have my cake and eat it too. I’m not getting any younger, and the last thing I want to do is look back and realize it wasn’t some guy that was SELFISH, it was me not respecting what it is that I WANT.
So now I can’t sleep because I really care about him, but I can’t stay in limbo land with him forever just HOPING for more, or even ASKING for more. This is such a PATTERN for me. I take it longer than I should to move on, finally I walk away, and then weeks or months down the line they come back. I could use some solid advice. — Crumbs
You going out with another guy while you’re “exclusive” with your boyfriend is NOT having your cake and eating it too. The idiom refers to getting two good things in a sneaky or backhanded way. Where are the two good things you’re getting? I certainly wouldn’t call the “crumbs of a relationship” your boyfriend occasionally drops at your feet having your cake. And going out on one date, for the sole purpose of making your boyfriend jealous — because, let’s face it, that’s what you were doing — isn’t exactly eating your cake either. No, instead of sneakily getting two good things, you’re basically getting the raw end of the deal here.
So, why are you still hanging on? What are you waiting for? Your boyfriend has flat-out told you he can’t meet your expectations. Just because you happen to think those expectations are pretty minimal — and they are! — doesn’t mean after five months, he’s suddenly going to come around and agree with you. He is already giving you all he’s interested in and/or able to give you. If it’s not enough for you — and clearly it isn’t — M.O. effing A! I mean, come on.
And break the pattern this time. Walk away for good. Practice self-respect. Don’t take back some dude who never gave you what you wanted in the first place. Quit settling for less than what you want. Keep looking for the guy who is going to make room in his life for you. It will take approximately 2-3 weeks to know whether a guy has space for you. He’ll make weekend dates with you. He’ll be in touch a few times a week. He’ll show interest in making plans in the future. If he doesn’t do those things within those first few weeks, move on. Life is too short to hang around waiting for some dude to turn into what you want him to be when there are other guys out there who already are what you want them to be. Quit wasting time with the ones who aren’t what you’re looking for and be more aggressive in finding the ones who are. That’s the only way you’ll break your pattern and find true happiness.
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