Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and I went to see him. The trip did not go as planned because he and my housemate were drunk and high. When I told him, the only thing he said to me was “get rid of it.” I felt very hurt by this response and left saying I never wanted to talk to him again. We did talk the next day when I had calmed down. We decided on the abortion even though it really was the hardest decision I ever made.
So I went to the clinic with my mum to support me; the whole thing broke my heart. I talked to my mum about the relationship and about how hurt I was by his first response and how I wasn’t sure if we could ever have a good relationship after something so big, and she advised me to let him go. She said it would be hard initially but in the long run easier. I don’t know why I took her advice, but I did; I wish I hadn’t because I basically just pushed away the only person I’d ever loved.
A week after the abortion and after I’d told him I wouldn’t ever speak to him again, I got back in touch. We saw each other 19 days after the abortion. We kissed, we chatted, I cried. The next day he went out and met someone new. I didn’t realize that at the time; all I knew is he stopped texting me. I didn’t undrstand why. But when I bumped into him a couple weeks later and asked him if he’d been ignoring me, he said, “No,let’s meet.” He still didn’t tell me that he had a girlfriend. I found out via text, and then I saw a post of the two of them on my sister’s Facebook (I had deleted mine). It broke me.
I questioned him, and he sent me a text saying he was happier than he’d been in ages and that she was changing his life for the better, that he’d gotten what he had wanted all along. I felt sick. All I know now is that he’s totally in love with her – my housemate has told me. He’s not using it as some way to hurt me back; he literally doesn’t care about me anymore. I feel used and worthless, and it has only been two months since the abortion; I still don’t feel ok about it.
I think I’m falling into a deep depression as I feel so alone and my anxieties make me think I’ll never feel like that about anyone again as he’s the first guy I’ve ever loved and I’m 25. His new girlfriend is basically everything I could never be. I get that he’s with her and I know I pushed him away, so I do blame myself for a lot. I basically wish I weren’t alive. — Replaced
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time and that you feel depressed and lonely and anxious. I think it could greatly benefit you to talk to a therapist about how you’re feeling, especially since you say you wish you weren’t alive. You have so much to live for — a whole life ahead of you still — and there’s literally no shame at all in getting help to embrace that life you are lucky to have, to learn some tools to deal with your anxiety, and to understand the difference between love and lust.
What you described of your relationship with your ex-boyfriend doesn’t sound like love. You never trusted him, he didn’t support you, he did not love you. I don’t want you to think that what you two had is what love looks like or what you should strive for again. A real loving relationship is SO, SO, SO much better than what you described. It builds you up; it doesn’t break you down. It makes you feel supported and cared for. Love is your mother coming with you to your abortion. Love is not your boyfriend telling you coldly to “get rid of it” when you told him you were pregnant. There are different kinds of love in our lives — romantic, platonic, familial — but the thing they have in common is the support and care they provide us, the bond that builds around and on it.
When you start recognizing the love you already have in your life, it helps you to attract more of it. Eventually, you will find a romantic love upon and around which you can build a relationship. You did not have that with your ex-boyfriend. You had lust, attraction, excitement, maybe some occasional companionship. But I am telling you, what you had with him doesn’t even begin to touch the the potential depth of a truly loving relationship. Not even close. There is something waiting for you that will blow your fucking socks off with its intensity; you don’t even have any idea yet, but I sincerely hope you will keep your heart open to it so you can find out.
As for your abortion and the feelings you are having about it, I want you to know that there was no other option that would have changed the course of your relationship with your ex. Keeping the baby would not have meant you’d still be together with him. You would not. He had no interest in staying with you and he sure as shit had no interest in being a father. He made that perfectly clear. You would have been a single mother, navigating that incredible and overwhelming responsibility on your own, still struggling with everything you’re struggling with now and then some. One day, if you choose to, you can be a mother, and you can experience the joy and the love of that role, hopefully as a wiser, more mature woman, ideally with a partner/co-parent who can support you and your parenting journey. That, too, has the potential to crack your heart open so profoundly that the ache of loss you’re experiencing now will pale in comparison.
I’ll say it again: The potential for love and joy still yet to come for you is so much greater than the pain you are feeling now. I don’t say that to dismiss your current feelings — I know you’re hurting — but to offer some hope that this is much more the beginning rather than the end. Please don’t give up now – not when you have so much to look forward to.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.