It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss when it’s way, way, way time to MOA, and letting a friend know you don’t share the same fantasy.
My boyfriend and I are both 20 and he just told me he’s not sure he will ever love me. Our relationship is not working and we fight a lot due to the fact that I can no longer trust him given that he cheated on me not too long ago (but I forgave him). What really hurts me is that he did love that girl, but he doesn’t love me (she was the ex before me, whom he was with for four years). I do love him a lot and the only thing I want is for him to love me back. He does care for me a lot and we have really good times together. He also never lets me go when I want to move on — he says he wants to move in with me and make plans for the future. All these things give me hope but at the same time the fact he doesn’t and may never love me confuses me a lot. We have been together on and off for a year and a half, and we were broken up for three months in which he was with that other girl. If I were to stay with him do I have hope for him to love me? Should I keep trying? I can’t ask any one else for advice because he is really bad looking and everyone has been telling me to “dump” him since I met him, before he even did anything bad. — I’m With Ugly
Oh, honey, have some self-respect and move on. This guy says he doesn’t love you, he’s cheated on you, he loves another woman, AND he’s unattractive to boot? Can’t you hear the chorus of “MOA”s??
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years now. Our relationship got off to a rough start, filled with mistakes and miscommunication on both ends, but we finally realized that we were seriously interested in each other. At least, that’s what I thought anyway. I discovered that he had been carrying on an online “sex role-playing game” with someone. He had been doing this before he and I met, and, when I found out and confronted him, he said that he had thought of it like porn, but understood it was different and wouldn’t do it again. However, a few months later, I found out that he had been lying to me and had continued the relationship. Confronting him about it, yet again, he admitted it and apologized. I was about to leave him, but he made a grand gesture of taking me up to his father’s grave and telling me that he was going to be the sort of person that his father could be proud of, so I decided to give him another chance. He then showed me that he messaged the girl and told her that they couldn’t chat anymore and he promised to not sign on to a website that is notorious for putting people together like that. Since then, we’ve spent another year together, working things out and both being dedicated to our relationship.
But here’s where I am so confused: I started getting a nagging feeling that he wasn’t telling me something, so I did some searching and found that he had last logged onto the sex site “a week ago,” while I had been on vacation. I casually mentioned it and he denied that he had signed on. But I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t say anything else to him, but I started doing some more nosing around, and the girl that he had participated in his online relationship with also had a profile on that website, which she regularly uses. On the “Most Recent Visitors” section of her profile, his was listed as being one of the last ten. I can’t actually prove that he did visit that website or her profile, but it’s very suspicious. I’m not sure why I’m having such a difficult time with this.
Part of me says to leave and that I deserve better, but another part of me really loves him, despite all of this, and doesn’t seem quite ready to let go. We do get along so well together and, when things are going well with us, then they are great! But I don’t feel like I can keep overlooking this, even though it is only circumstantial. What do you think? — Glutton for Punishment and Heartbreak
See advice above!
I am a 23-year-old college student about to graduate. I’ve been close friends with “Maggie” since high school and we both went to the same college and were roomies last year. She graduated last semester and moved to a less-than desirable town in our state because that’s where her boyfriend lives and works. It seems like she’s kind of lonely there, and lately she has been saying things like, “You should totally move to ‘G-town'” and “We could live together like old times!” I’ve usually responded by saying, “We will see!” and “Yeah, it’d be so fun to live together!” The truth is that it’s the last place I’d want to move to, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I also don’t want to get her hopes up either. She’s VERY sensitive to words, and takes almost everything personally. She is also very persistent and, even if I say no the first time, she will continue to the point of begging even after I pull every single excuse out of the bag. The last time I was completely honest with her, she literally didn’t talk to me for weeks. She is really one of my best friends so that I don’t want to stir things up with her, but I hate beating around the bush so much. If you have any communication tips, please advise!! — No Thanks to G-town
How about the next time she suggests you move to “G-town,” you say, “Gosh, it really would be so fun to live in the same town as you again, but G-town just isn’t calling my name, no matter how tempting it is to be close to you. But I can’t wait for you to come visit me wherever I end up. We can do girls weekends and it will be just like old times!”
(It’s been a slow week for letters, so I dug into my in-box for these three. I’d already answered the LWs privately, and I don’t believe I ever published any of these, but my apologies in advance if I’m wrong about that.)
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.
Desiree May 18, 2012, 9:22 am
Regarding the 2nd letter: the boyfriend taking the LW to his father’s grave in an attempt to win her back is super creepy and, in this case, obviously disingenuous.
amy May 18, 2012, 9:31 am
Agreed. There was nothing more to that than him playing on the girl’s emotions to have her stay with him.
ktfran May 18, 2012, 9:36 am
I third and fourth and fifth this Desiree and Amy. Also, all I was thinking is they watch too many movies tv shows. Way too dramatic.
lets_be_honest May 18, 2012, 9:56 am
Even he it was genuine, which it very well could have been at the time, he’s made it clear that no matter how much he wants to be one person, he just isn’t.
amy May 18, 2012, 9:45 am
MOA. You are the steady one. The fall back girl to this guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be with other people but wants his fall back girl that will always be there, hoping for any glimpse of something that could happen in the future.
It’s a hard lesson to learn, but not matter how hard you try, you cannot make someone love you. It doesn’t work that way.
So what exactly are you going to continue to try doing?
SweetPeaG May 18, 2012, 9:52 am
Here’s the deal LW 2… your boyfriend is just the kind of guy that gets off on that kind of thing. Some would call it a kink. He is not likely to ever stop. I had an ex like that, who did that sort of thing all the time and would then lie about it (like yours is clearly doing). Some people would be totally cool with their significant having that particular kink. He is not meeting up with her (or at least it doesn’t seem he is), so they think it is a healthy expression of a fantasy (like porn).
You don’t sound like the kind of woman who is okay with that. Which is fine. It is not something I’d want my significant other doing either. It is sexual interaction with a real person. More than a fantasy, in my humble opinion. So… if you are not okay with it, you should go. He’s not going to change. I would put good money down on that.
Jay May 18, 2012, 5:05 pm
Great advice! And actual advice, not judging or mocking the LW.
lets_be_honest May 18, 2012, 9:53 am
1 & 2 – Imagine how nice it will feel, even though you are single, not having to constantly be suspicious or worry what your boyfriend is really up to. Your mind will just be clear.
Also, I thought you stopped privately replying to letters?
lets_be_honest May 18, 2012, 9:54 am
Do you think the slow letter week is related to the forums maybe?
evanscr05 May 18, 2012, 10:16 am
I’ve been wondering this for a while…
sarita_f May 18, 2012, 11:03 am
Me three. Wendy, have you thought about posting your advice to forum-readers? Carolyn Jack does something similar with her weekly chats.
Wendy May 18, 2012, 11:13 am
Yes, I think I’m going to start doing this.
Something More May 19, 2012, 5:31 pm
Maybe you could make its own topic like the Books or Recipes – Ask Wendy.
L May 18, 2012, 12:50 pm
re: Wendy and the forums: I would loooove to see one of Wendy’s journal entries on the forum… 🙂
SweetPeaG May 18, 2012, 9:57 am
Ahh, good point on not having to constantly be suspicious. Seriously… weight of the world lifted off your shoulders! Being with someone you don’t trust is a shitty way to live. And life is VERY short.
Wendy May 18, 2012, 11:15 am
If I can answer a letter quickly, I sometimes will still do so privately. Sometimes it’s as easy as giving a link to a similar letter I’ve previously published and answered.
MissChievous May 18, 2012, 5:00 pm
I cannot agree more with what you said. When I finally kicked one guy to the curb, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and the sun shined like it never had before. And I didn’t have to worry about all the suspicions I had cause it was over.
rainbow May 18, 2012, 9:57 am
“we were broken up for three months in which he was with that other girl” -LW1
Then how in the world is that cheating?
lets_be_honest May 18, 2012, 10:01 am
I read it like he cheated with her, then they broke up for 3 months during which he stayed with the other girl that he intially cheated with.
emmkat May 18, 2012, 10:05 am
LW1: I think most girls go through something like this when we’re 18-19-20. We’re not very experienced in life or dating when we’re that young, so we put up with disrespect because we don’t really know any better. These sorts of “relationships” can be a great learning experience, as long as you realize that you need to get yourself out of it and then make sure you don’t let it happen to you again with other guys. You deserve so much better than this guy who is taking advantage of your feelings, naivete, and trust. He’s manipulating you so he can get what he wants, both with you and the other girl. Use this experience to learn what you deserve in a relationship and MOA. We’ve all been there.
budj May 18, 2012, 10:54 am
…and then LW2’s bf found out he has been role play cyber sexing a dude posing as a woman for the past 3 years.
sarita_f May 18, 2012, 11:01 am
Totally thought the same thing!
Jay May 18, 2012, 5:09 pm
Me too! LOL
sarita_f May 18, 2012, 11:01 am
Sooooo…. What is this sexual role-playing website anyways? Sounds kinda hot.
Fabelle May 18, 2012, 11:20 am
I always wonder what sites these LWs are talking about when they mention their cyber-cheating boyfriends. But this one is seriously a mystery– like, what sex cam site lets people make profiles, shows when each person is signs in AND the “last ten” people they interacted with?
I’m guessing it’s not actually meant to be a live porn website, but the people on it typically use it that way, somehow? Judging by this, at least: “…website that is notorious for putting people together like that.”
Fabelle May 18, 2012, 11:21 am
(I clearly thought way too much about this…)
katie May 18, 2012, 12:35 pm
i imagined facebook with more nakedness. haha.
John Rohan May 19, 2012, 11:19 am
They might be talking about Second Life, where a lot of people live parallel love lives. (www.secondlife.com) Although a lot of people use it for more innocent things to, like taking a class or even going to Church!
Anna May 18, 2012, 11:22 am
LW1: While I agree with Wendy that you should MOA and stop letting this guy disrespect you, the whole thing about him being “ugly” and all of your friends telling you to dump him just for that reason (before he even treated you badly) seemed really awful and shallow. What is going to happen if you meet the nicest, sweetest guy in the world who would never cheat on you but is not the most physically attractive guy on earth? Would you dump a good guy for that reason? If so, perhaps you should forego dating and just hire hot gigolos. Just imagine if a guy wrote in a said that he’s dating a girl who isn’t as physically attractive as his friends think she should be, so he’s been advised by all his friends already to dump her based on her looks. We would all be ripping the LW and his douchey friends a new one, wouldn’t we?
lets_be_honest May 18, 2012, 11:29 am
Well I wouldn’t be yelling at the LW. After all, she obviously did not care that her friends thought he was ugly and stayed with him anyway.
ktfran May 18, 2012, 12:08 pm
Agreed. Not to mention, the LW’s letter made me think she and her friends were on the young side of 20. It’s not an excuse, but they have yet to learn the way of the world, so I wouldn’t take too much stock in what the friends said.
I honestly can’t imagine any of my friends now telling me to dump a dude because he’s ugly. I could actually see it happening when I was in high school or what not.
MsMisery May 18, 2012, 1:19 pm
Is #1 fo real? Sometimes I wonder if someone types up a letter with all the things that can possibly go wrong in a girl’s life and submit it, just to see if they can get Wendy to post a video of herself banging her head into her keyboard in response.
bittergaymark May 18, 2012, 2:10 pm
Eh, I can’t muster up much of a response for any of these… I guess, MOA, MOA (reprise) and then, finally, don’t make promises you don’t want to keep about moving to Dullsville.
Caris May 19, 2012, 6:03 pm
LW1: He said he doesn’t love you and probably never will. He already cheated on you. Why are you still with him? Break up and find someone else
DMR May 19, 2012, 8:12 pm
LW1 just because he’s ugly, doesn’t mean that he has to be grateful to you for wanting him. It doesn’t work that way.
Just because you’re possibly the highest quality girl he’ll ever get, doesn’t mean he has to take you or even like you. He doesn’t want you, so respect his choice.
DMR May 19, 2012, 8:16 pm
LW2, sex talk with another woman is not the same as viewing porn. The fact that he thinks they’re the same should be all you need to know. He’s not only a cheat, he thinks cheating is totally okay. What the hell are you doing with this relationship?
Besides which, the evidence is overwhelming that he’s still doing it. You’re doubting the evidence but you’ve laid it all out for us, and let me tell you that it’s basically a slam dunk. If it was a murder trial the jury would declare him ‘guilty’ and he’d be away for life. That’s what you need to do: get away from him for life.
DMR May 19, 2012, 8:17 pm
LW3 your friend is manipulative and a control freak. If she can’t handle the fact that you’re never moving to G-town then she’s hardly a friend.
Joy May 24, 2012, 7:19 am
Hello, Here’s my story “I will try my best to make a long story short”
I’ve met Mr.S back in 2008, he’s totally my type whether it’s his looks or personality. Sometimes, it feels like I can see his dark side which is totally opposite from what I see in him, respect and love about him. Anyhow, I told him that I like him but I also explained to him the reason why I am telling him which was that I didn’t want to have any feelings towards him, I really wanted to stay good friends with the guy. The way I told him was too dramatic yet too spontaneous (through messenger) , He said that there are many things that he admires about me and that I deserve a better person than him , he also mentioned that he likes me but not enough to start a relationship. We stayed friends. Things got complicated with me. We are members in an Alumni so we kind of worked together. He used to send me signs and all of that made me more confused. There was a time when we used to chat for hours. And yes, there were many situations I thought that he has feelings for me as well. All I know is that he used to have a GF but always were arguing and fighting, whenever they used to fight or so or even if she writes him on his FB, he used to talk to me through msng , so I was like “seriously?” Any’ how, here I am in 2012 not that long , I asked to meet with him back in April, and I told him that I think “I am in Love with you” Sure thing that I told him so when we almost got to my house, His response was like ” he saw it coming and he kind of knew that this was happening since we haven’t spoken for ages, he also said that there is nothing he is planning for or intending to do int the future, he didn’t mind if like I shut him down from my whole life in order to make it easier for me to let go, he said he wishes that the love I carry within my heart will transform into something beautiful and bigger, he also said that there’s nothing he can do for me to help and all that Oh, and he said that he doesn’t look at me that way. I made it very clear that I don’t want to start a relationship with him and that I am aware of the fact that we have no future together and that I don’t want to be with him. He said that he respects me more. What I was like not sure about is that it seemed to me that he grabbed a piece of papers, wrote some words , memorized them and that’s it. I didn’t feel that he was speaking from his heart. Maybe it;s because I didn;t want to believe it. Anyways, I got of the car, everything was okay but then the nest day I had the worst feeling ever, I thought we were on the same page, but then he kind of started acting like a jerk.
I know that I should accept the whole situation. I pray for him and for myself. I just feel like it’s all out of my hand now, like it’s in God’s hands now. I truly hope that I will get over my feelings completely and forever. Because it keeps on going and coming back, and because of all of that I am in and out of misery.
Thanks <3 🙂
Tati.B June 18, 2017, 6:42 pm
Dear I’m With Ugly, it’s no use for you love much and he less. A relationship is made in two, each one contributing to a constructive relationship. If your boyfriend has already said that “I don’t love you”, he already bring you and that says that they fight hard to get it right, I believe this isn’t an example of good relationship. You should talk and decide what each one really wants because it isn’t fair with neither of you’re ready for a dating without a future, a person should be found who really does’ll for each one. Now, responding to your questions, believing that it is a year and a half of relationship, if he still doesn’t love you and already betrayed you, the chances of him starting love you now are minimal, so I don’t advise you to keep trying. As for the fact that people close to a game to “dump” it, even before something wrong, is something to be taken into account because sometimes we become “blind” of love and do not see what the other person It really is I believe that you should rethink and take into account an opinion of people out of relationship, especially after the reported attitudes. The now, please, about saying that you want to live with yourself and build a future and falsely relate to his behavior, now evaluate whether or not words speak as attitudes. Probably coming to the conclusion that it’s contradictory, and building a future with this person shouldn’t be a very smart attitude. I advise you to think more of yourself and free yourself, there’s a time for you. Good luck – Tati.B