Yesterday was my birthday and I don’t usually like a fuss, so I spent the day pampering in a spa and asked my on/off boyfriend of two years to spend the evening with me, which he agreed to. The day came, and there were no plans made by him. He wished me a happy birthday in the morning, but made no mention afterward about the plans for that evening. I asked him through text about what the plans were when it got to be evening, and he said there’s no rush. At this point, it was getting very late so I wished him a good night and went to sleep. The next morning I messaged him stating how disappointed I was that he didn’t come to see me on my birthday and how I had felt stood up. He said that I shouldn’t feel this way and that he had had a surprise for me but then did not do it because he knows I do not like surprises. I replied that I didn’t want to be disappointed by him either; he has not responded to this. The reason I broke up with him before was because I consistently felt disconnected and let down — there was always an excuse as to why he did not show up when he said he would, call back, or make the effort he knew he should. After four months apart, he got in contact to see how I was and to say he missed me and wanted to start again. I took another month to think things through and then told him I agreed. We were in good communication for the next few months, but now he seems distant and preoccupied again. I’m very confused as to what to do, and I’m not sure if I should leave again or wait to see if my constant disappointment will make him change. — Lonely in my relationship
No, your “constant disappointment” will not make him change. You seriously think being super passive, and setting him up to fail, is going to change things for the better? Both of you need to grow the hell up! You say you don’t like to make a fuss on your birthday (which, sorry, but spending a day at the spa kind of sounds like making a fuss!), but then you get pissed when your boyfriend doesn’t plan something for you? Pick a lane. Do you want a fuss or not? If you want a fuss, you need to express that, and here’s a thought: maybe YOU plan something? Or be very explicit with your boyfriend about what you’d like him to plan. But to invite him to spend the evening with you and leave the planning up to him when you’ve expressed that you don’t like a fuss made is sending major mixed signals. And he’s being a dork to say he had had a surprise for you but “didn’t do it” because he “knows you don’t like surprises.” Why plan a surprise if he knows you don’t like them? There was no surprise. He was just trying to cover his ass when he realized that you had been expecting him to make plans even though you were the one who invited him to spend the evening with you and you say you don’t like fusses made. Both of you need to grow up and express yourselves and your expectations like grown-ups.
My guy and I have been living together for almost a year. We have met family and friends since day one. We split for a few weeks but still stayed in touch and saw each other. He wants to be with other women just to make sure he’s not missing out on something else because he’s been locked up for eight years and I was the first woman he really dated since getting out. Now he is saying that he wished he had never met me or introduced me to his family. I just don’t know if I should just give up and walk away or keep fighting and how to do it. — To Fight or Not to Fight
You don’t know whether you should keep fighting for a guy who just got out of jail, says he wants to date other women, and wishes he had never met you? The answer is: no. No, you should not keep fighting. There are other men — some of whom have not just gotten out of jail (some who never even were in jail in the first place!) who might just be up for committing to one person eventually.
I have been in a loving and honest relationship for three years now. He is an amazing and straightforward guy who rarely hides anything from me. I know he loves me but, at the same time, I feel very self-conscious about the lack of my breasts, particularly because my boyfriend likes busty women. Before I met him, I was pretty happy with my body, but now I’m starting to hate my A-cup boobs and petite figure. I get jealous whenever I see someone with big boobs — it makes me feel really insecure and depressed. I’m a 22-year-old with the body of a teen. I look like I’ve just hit puberty. I feel horrible when he says that he likes girls with big boobs, big butts, and thick thighs. He even said one day that he doesn’t like skinny girls. What should I do? Does he wants me to be like those busty girls? — Not Busty
Any guy who would tell his boob-challenged girlfriend that he likes “girls” (I think he means women) with big boobs, big butts, and thick thighs really isn’t that “loving.” He sounds like a jerk, frankly — and one who objectifies women. Gross. What does it say about him and your relationship that you went from being confident and “pretty happy” with your body to feeling insecure and depressed? It says he’s a really crappy boyfriend, that’t what. MOA. There’s a man who will love you and love your body and not make you feel like you’re being compared to anyone else, let alone to all the women who don’t look anything like you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].