Recently, he told me he couldn’t have our relationship progress if I ever smoked pot again. I didn’t take this well and freaked out. Now, please bear in mind that my family is totally cool with me doing it once in a while. My sister and I do it together all the time, and it’s really fun for us. My parents don’t care; my dad is a doctor and he says that everything in moderation is fine. I also believe it is far less harmful than alcohol, and I am speaking very objectively about it. They know, as does my boyfriend, that I am not the type who would allow any substance to get in my way–by the way, when I smoke pot, I am highly functioning and don’t just sit around–and he knows I would do it far less if it bothered him. I just could not believe he told me I could never do it again. We fought, and he asked me to compromise to once every two years.
I thought the idea of all this was just ridiculous. Why should it be a worry for him when it doesn’t affect our life in any way and wouldn’t if I lived with him. He says things like “no wife of his…” or “no mother of his child”… and it just infuriates me because it’s implying that I am not worthy of being his wife or mother of his child. I am wonderful, how dare he!
My question is, does he have the right to ask this of me? I find it so conservative and a little bit insulting. He says that my views that it’s okay are dumb and that he’s hurt I won’t give it up. I told him that I hardly do it now and if we get married I would never do it around him. However, if I hang out with an old friend or my sister and I want to do it because I enjoy it, then it is wrong of him to say I can’t. I just feel really weirded out by the whole thing and like I can’t be myself. Every time my sister makes a joke about it I cringe because I wonder how he would act once he’s part of the family. I don’t want to stop laughing or partaking in the jokes because I see nothing wrong with it. I don’t want to act like someone I am not. I think he should trust that I don’t have a problem since I only do it when I go on holiday. What do you think? — Holiday Pothead
Rather than debate the pros and cons of pot, I’ll stick to your specific question about whether your boyfriend has a “right” to ask you to stop smoking. The answer is, yes, of course he has a right to ask that — or anything else, really — just as much as you have a right to say, “Bitch, please.” It’s OK for two people to grow and change and evolve and decide that things they embraced or simply tolerated when they were younger no longer fit their lifestyles. Sometimes, those things are not things at all, but actual people. The truth is, after five rocky years together, filled with problems you’re still trying to work through, perhaps you and your boyfriend may have outgrown each other. Maybe it isn’t necessarily pot coming between you, but a multitude of differences that will be hard to overcome in the long run.
You talk about ongoing problems, feeling like you can’t be yourself with your boyfriend, worrying how he’ll fit into your family (if you were to get married), and how he’s implied that you aren’t worthy of being his wife or mother of his children. These issues are about more than just you smoking pot on vacation. I mean, come on. If you really feel like giving up pot when you travel means you have to start acting like someone you aren’t, clearly there’s more going on here. And if there isn’t — if the idea of not smoking pot when you travel really, truly does make you feel like you have to be someone you aren’t and that you’d have to give up “laughing and partaking in the jokes,” then perhaps the pot-smoking is a little more of a problem than you think it is.
Here’s the bottom line: It isn’t wrong of your boyfriend to have values that are different than yours. It isn’t wrong for him to have changed over the course of your five years together. It isn’t wrong for him to tell you that he doesn’t want his wife and the mother of his kids to smoke pot, a drug that is “highly illegal” in your country. And it’s not wrong for you to say, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but I enjoy it, it doesn’t hurt anyone, I only do it in places where it’s legal, and I’m not going to stop doing it simply to appease you when it’s clear you and I share different values.”
There are lots of things couples can — and should — compromise on, but values aren’t among them. You can compromise on behavior, of course, but if your different values dictate your behavior, it may be impossible to reach a satisfactory compromise. When that happens, it may be time to move on. Your boyfriend is probably going to argue that you’re choosing pot over him. And in a sense you will be. So before you make that choice, make sure it’s one you feel confident in.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
katiebird May 1, 2012, 1:09 pm
the pot request is a symptom, not the core problem. my gut reaction to this letter is that there is some WAY bigger problem going on in your relationship that you two aren’t dealing with and its causing you both angst. i have no clue what it is, but i think that deep down, the LW does.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 1:11 pm
I get the sense you want to hear that he is wrong for making ultimatums on you and not accepting you for who you are – but he doesn’t have to if it conflicts with what he believes. He has offered you a compromise that he can live with – if you can’t live with the compromise then now is the time to say goodbye.
Flake May 1, 2012, 1:19 pm
This is just my personal opinion, but if you can’t or won’t give up an illegal drug for a man you are considering a husband material, I suspect that you may be more addicted than you claim.
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 1, 2012, 1:27 pm
it’s not just the pot smoking, it’s the fact that she feels like she can’t be herself around him, that he won’t fit in with her family, it’s that he called her views on it dumb, and the fact that he’s not willing to compromise and expects her to completely change for him.
Flake May 1, 2012, 1:36 pm
And I think that it could easily be just that. I guess I can see myself in the BF’s place. I could accept certain bad habits for a while, but once things get more serious, I could find those habits more and more annoying. As an example, I know quite a few smoker-non-smoker couples, where once they started talking about having children, the smoking became a very heated topic of discussion. A lot of people I know change or at least try to change their bad habits once children or the possibility of children comes into the picture.
It is wrong of the BF to assume that she would change for him, but I do not think that he should not voice his disapproval.
cporoski May 1, 2012, 1:41 pm
see, everyone’s values are different. I do not think that pot is a big issue. Just because it is illegal doesn’t make it immoral. Think if he only said you could have a glass of wine once every two years.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:02 pm
But if that is what he wants for himself then he can express it – can’t he? The LW doesn’t have to accept it. I belive that is where Wendy’s “Bitch Please” kicks in.
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 1, 2012, 2:07 pm
Yes, but going about it by saying “no wife of mine” or “no mother of my child” is NOT the way to do it. It makes it seem like he wants to control her and takes the focus off of his values.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:18 pm
I agree. That ultimatum language is like going all in to me…you better hope the other person isn’t going to say “I’m out”. An all or nothing proposition works both ways. I wasn’t sure how much of that was sincere though since he offered a compromise that would mean a wife of his actually would use marijuana… albeit every two years…
spierce May 2, 2012, 3:52 pm
It has likely escalated to the ultimatum. It is unlikely that it started there.
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 1, 2012, 1:45 pm
It’s not just the fact that she smokes pot, but he calls her views stupid and puts her in awkward situations because of his actions. Yes people try to change bad habits when kids come into the picture, but she doesn’t view it as a bad habit and hasn’t said that she would smoke constantly around the kids, she already said she would compromise and wouldn’t smoke around her boyfriend I could see her doing the same for her kids. It doesn’t mean she has to stop entirely.
DonM May 2, 2012, 1:37 pm
Smoking pot is stupid. Giving up pot to get a decent man as a husband is one option. Giving up the man to keep smoking pot seems to be another. I hope this person choses to keep the pot, rather than saddle a decent man with a bad wife.
I figure drugs should be legal. I would rather have it sold legally by Walgreens than illegally by the drug cartels, and the price would drop too. It would probably thin out the herd nicely, especially Cocaine which seems to age people and give sudden heart attacks (Len Bias). People who are in pain because of their inadequate and useless lives would have as an option to take drugs and die in minimal pain. Goodbye!
Joe Blow May 2, 2012, 1:51 pm
I’d just as soon see pot legalized. But…
The fact she even has to ask this question indicates she’s looking for an excuse to ditch the guy, keep the pot. She only came here for help rationalizing the decision she wants to make, to ditch the BF and keep the bud.
So by all means, honey, go to it. Smoke yourself into oblivion with that sweet, sweet sinsy. But please spare us the pretenses about being in an adult relationship here. There’s only one relationship in this trio, and that’s you and the pot, you’ve been hooking up for years and three’s a crowd. Accept it, be merciful to your BF and kick him to the curb, then go start your new life together with Mary Jane. She’ll never criticize you or give you ultimatums. Well, except for the one about getting rid of boyfriends who aren’t keen on you being stoned on a drug you describe as “highly illegal” wherever it is that you live.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 1:47 pm
Yeah, but a better compromise might be to not keep it in the house, or not do it around the future-hypothetical children.
It’s like parents who drink (I know it’s slightly different because it’s legal) need to alter their behaviors when they have children but they usually don’t give up drinking altogether.
That said, I’m completely willing to give up cigarette smoking for my partner. But that’s because I’m mainly doing it for me, and he’s just extra motivation.
And anyway, the LW’s BF does have every right to want his potential-future-wife to refrain from doing something that goes against his values. She needs to decide if it’s worth it for her. But I, like others, suspect there’s more to this than just the weed-smoking.
Slamy May 1, 2012, 1:50 pm
I don’t really think pot is a bad habit, IMHO.
Budj May 1, 2012, 2:11 pm
It can be…but I think that has more to do with underlying personality struggles (be it depression, laziness, apathy) being masked by smoking pot all the time instead of taking charge of their life or seeking the right help..it’s easier to get high than to deal with life issues….
I think this may contribute to why most non-smokers just think it’s this horrible thing that ruins lives. I’ve said it before and rainbow said it below – There are a lot of non-problem “high-functioning” smokers that you don’t hear about because it’s not what they “identify” their life as…and it isn’t a problem….plus the over-whelming public stigma that if you smoke pot you must be lazy, wreckless, unambitious, etc…oh and the authorities don’t like it either.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:20 pm
Budj May 1, 2012, 2:36 pm
This isn’t me advocating 24/7 stoned-ness. Obviously you can’t ride through life high…haha….well at least in most cases….and just like being the only sober person around a bunch of drunks being sober around high people can be annoying. Time and place for it…time and place…
Jiggs May 1, 2012, 6:03 pm
This times a million. My guy and I have had ultimatum issues over this same, except it was “you need to see an addictions counsellor and get some real help for your issues b/c I cannot deal with you being high every second of the day”
He’s doing better now. He still uses, but it’s definitely occasional versus OMGALLTHETIME use. Which I am fine with.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:27 pm
In my opinion, it is. There are a million other things I would rather do with that money.
theattack May 1, 2012, 2:39 pm
So it’s a money issue for you? Because that’s a totally different relationship issue. If my bf and I got married, he probably wouldn’t be thrilled that I would want to spend money on dishes that coordinate with each of the seasons. And I wouldn’t be thrilled that we’d have to keep replacing things because he kept setting them on fire. It doesn’t sound like money is the issue for this couple, because she doesn’t do it often, and he didn’t bring up the cost. If the money bothered him, this would probably be a much simpler issue to solve.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:44 pm
No, the money is the least of my problems with pot, but I really don’t feel like describing all of my issues with it in a place that seems to be of an opposite opinion.
ReginaRey May 1, 2012, 1:20 pm
I’m glad Wendy go to the heart of the issue here. LW, the pot-smoking isn’t the issue. Your incompatibility with your boyfriend is the issue.
Five years’ worth of an on-and-off relationship rife with problems, in which you obviously have completely different values, means that there really isn’t much of a RELATIONSHIP to be had here anymore. You’re trying WAY to hard to force something that very, very obviously doesn’t suit either of you.
Compromise is a given in any relationship, but there’s a difference between having to compromise over a few things here and there, and pulling teeth and fighting and tearing your hair out to compromise in order to make a relationship fit that just…doesn’t. I get the feeling your relationship falls into the latter camp. Move on, and see how much easier it can be with someone with whom you have more in common, and with whom your values align.
TheGirl May 1, 2012, 1:20 pm
I have to agree with katiebird – there is something more going on here that you haven’t gotten at yet. If you feel like you can’t be yourself around him, that’s a major problem. I get the funny feeling that this guy is starting to think of you as wife material, but can’t reconcile the truth of who you are right now with the image of the perfect wife and mother he has in his head. I think you need to sit down and talk about what he really wants and whether or not that’s something you are willing to do. Be honest with him – tell him you don’t feel like you can be yourself around him. I can’t imagine he wants you to feel perpetually uncomfortable! Best to get it all out in the open and either move forward or move on.
rachel May 1, 2012, 1:22 pm
I agree that this is probably a part of a larger problem. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with him deciding that he doesn’t want his partner in life to smoke pot. But the whole “no wife of mine” attitude is definitely not the best way to get his point across. This seems to me to indicate that they are not having rational calm discussions about the matter, which is not a good sign. LW, I think you need to really look hard at this relationship and think about what is important to you. If you really want to marry this man and have kids with him, giving up marijuana might not be that much of a sacrifice. If, however, he’s not the one you see yourself with, you should let him go now.
convexed May 1, 2012, 1:26 pm
Something as specific as every two years is awfully arbitrary. How is that, in kind, a different or better exception than as a part of yr occasional holiday? This seems like an issue of control;maybe he feels he lacks control in some aspects of the relationship, and instead of dealing w those directly, is exerting it in this easy-to-see aspect of yr relationship. That said, if you are smoking pot where it is illegal, and get caught and in trouble, that would be a real problem if you had kids or were married and you got, say, hauled off to jail. Not that its likely…it seems more of an ideological objection he has than a real concern about legality and consequences, especially if he seems to think its an okay risk to take every few years. I think you and he need to have a real open talk about yr relationship as a whole, all things considered, and hold off on ultimatums or refusals til you have a better sense where you stand and what’s really at stake.
MandaNoA May 1, 2012, 5:26 pm
“This seems like an issue of control;maybe he feels he lacks control in some aspects of the relationship, and instead of dealing w those directly, is exerting it in this easy-to-see aspect of yr relationship.”
I totally agree with this. I know when I was younger and in an unhealthy relationship with an ex I often felt like I had no control over the relationship or even in some ways my life. So I started giving him weirdly specific ultimatums (“Your father can only stay with us once a month and for no longer that 2 nights in a row and he must stay with your brother every other visit.”) In the end my ultimatums didn’t make me feel any more in control and we ended up breaking up anyway. Maybe have a discussion with your ex about why he feels the need to put such specific restrictions on you.
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 9:55 am
As I say below, he might be trying to find a “back door” way of getting her to quit. He might (even correctly, if she were willing to stop for two years) think that at the end of that period, the pot wouldn’t have so much appeal.
BriarRose May 1, 2012, 1:26 pm
Wendy is right, there seem to a multitude of issues going on here. Perhaps your boyfriend has picked one specific hot-button issue to latch on to as your relationship slowly unravels, or perhaps it really truly does bother him (only you can know for sure which it is). This seems to be an issue that neither of you want to compromise on, and that is not a good foundation for a marriage. I personally have never smoked pot and don’t see the appeal, but I do drink and would be pretty annoyed if my significant other said he never wanted me to drink again. I feel as though you need to think pretty seriously about making a future with this man. It’s very possible you two have grown apart over your years together and it is now becoming obvious in very big ways.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 1:27 pm
This is clearly not about smoking pot. This is about something way deeper than that. It sounds like this relationship has run it’s course. The fact that he is giving an ultimatum, and the fact that you are so offended by it – means that you two want to break up – but just haven’t found a good enough excuse to do it yet. I think he is looking for a way out so he is nitpicking about this. You also sound like you are going to use this as an excuse to get out. But we’ve talked about this before on this site – you never need a reason to break up with someone. It sounds like if you stay together there will be more fights than laughs.
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 10:00 am
Though I posted about completely different issues below, I think you have hit the nail on the head about the relationship: its unravelling on its own, and this has become an issue that is useful for each member of the couple to focus on rather than the deeper problems, and easier to break up over than it would be to face having sunk five years on a relationship that already had some major problems. People have a very, very hard time admitting to having lost their sunk costs.
Skyblossom May 1, 2012, 1:46 pm
I’m not sure this LW is honest with herself when she says that she does pot only while on holiday and then says that she and her sister do it together all the time. Which is it? Or does she live near the border with a country where it’s legal and she and her sister go on holiday all the time. You can’t solve a problem without first being honest with yourself about the problem.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 1:49 pm
I took it to mean she does it with her sister all the time when they’re on vacation. Or that her sister doesn’t live near her so visiting her is a vacation, and that they do it everytime she visits.
a_different_Wendy May 1, 2012, 3:48 pm
That’s what I got from that too. That she doesn’t do it in day to day life, but does it pretty much all the time when she’s on holiday.
Personally I smoke pot every day, because I enjoy it and it doesn’t affect me negatively at all. Thank heaven my fiance doesn’t care!
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 10:00 am
How often do holidays happen?
jlyfsh May 1, 2012, 1:49 pm
I agree with Wendy that this isn’t about the pot as much as it is other things. It’s almost like he equates your smoking pot with being juvenile and that he is ready to grow up and leave those things behind. And he is allowed to have that opinion just as much as you are allowed to think that it’s completely fine to smoke pot. And he probably will be bothered by your sister’s making jokes about it and have a problem with that as well.
I think someone mentioned above that this comes up more when people are in the process of making life changes like marriage and planning for kids. I have a friend who this exact issue did come up and she told her husband before he was her husband that she wouldn’t have that happen in their house or have him be around kids when he was under the influence. And he changed his behavior because he wanted to be in a relationship with her enough to do that. Did he make a compromise, yes. But, she’s made compromises for him on other things too. If you’re this bothered by his request it’s definitely time to decide if this relationship is right for you. The fact that you say there have been many other problems makes me think it’s not.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 1:54 pm
I kind of get the feeling that the fact that she would be willing to compromise on this situation if the guy was right for her. Because she is so appauled by his request makes me feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back of their incompatibility. I don’t know if this is a good analogy but it reminds me of when guys say “I’m never getting married – bachelor for life!” while they have a girlfriend – and then they break up with that girlfriend and marry the next girl they date. It wasn’t that they never wanted to get married – its just they couldn’t see themselves getting married to the girl they were dating at the time.
I think if it was a different guy she would be willing to compromise – but this issue is just one more that proves how incompatible they are. Sorry I’m kind of rambling but does any of that make sense?
Budj May 1, 2012, 1:58 pm
I agree in a way. She may not have ever dated him if she knew this was going to be an issue he flip-flopped on. And this instance of pot ultimatums may just have been what made her think about all the other ways they have grown apart. I would guess his judgy behavior is not isolated to pot.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 2:00 pm
I agree – he needs to burn one down and chill out a bit. Judgy-mcjudgerson sounds like a bore.
jlyfsh May 1, 2012, 2:05 pm
well see i disagree with you there because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. and i think for a lot of people pot use is equated with being younger. and they grow out of it. and he could also be thinking about having kids and would be want them to be exposed to smoking pot. which in my example above was the big issue. my friend did not want her husband smoking pot around the kids. so i can see where he is coming from as well. but, they are both entitled to their opinion.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 2:08 pm
I know I was just kind of being silly and waiting for someone to freak out about his right to hate it and stuff. They can both think what they want – but they both seem pretty set on their opinions so they should just keep it moving.
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:40 pm
I’m lighting one up for Judgy-mcjudgerson as we speak.
Budj May 1, 2012, 2:44 pm
The picture for this article is getting me excited to go home, haha…
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 3:14 pm
Anna May 1, 2012, 3:19 pm
Can I come over?
a_different_Wendy May 1, 2012, 3:50 pm
Same here! Just a couple more hours…
Miss V May 18, 2012, 11:29 pm
I’m already home, attitude adjusted…;D
jlyfsh May 1, 2012, 2:01 pm
yeah i definitely agree, i think that it what i was trying to say. if he was actually the right guy for her it wouldn’t be as big of an issue. and when you describe your relationship as full of problems it doesn’t make it seem like he is.
GatorGirl May 1, 2012, 1:51 pm
My fiance and I have had a similar conflict in our relationship. He enjoys some occasional pot smoking, I don’t. I also am highly nervous about the illegality of it. We fought and fought about it- and then BOTH of us compromised. He smokes less and I worry less. We both value our relationship enough to make this compromise. (We also agree once children are part of the picture it will cease all together)
LW, it does not sound like you and your BF are compatable. You seem to have grown apart from each other. It might just be time to cut your losses and move on.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:23 pm
I guess it comes down to different opinions on it. I know a couple who’ve been married many years, a couple kids, etc. She told him he must quit, he snuck around and smoked, now they’re getting divorced. Over pot. Seems unbelievable to me and a dumb reason to divorce. But, I guess everyone is pretty divided over the severity of pot smoking.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:26 pm
Now that could be also because he intentionally lied to her for years…
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:34 pm
Oh I’m sure the fact he lied only made it worse.
landygirl May 1, 2012, 5:05 pm
Her trying to control him probably didn’t help either.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:12 pm
Another good point! Even still, the bottom line issue was pot smoking. IMO, a very dumb reason to end a marriage with children.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 5:14 pm
To end a marriage with children, yes, a dumb reason to split up. To end a five year rocky relationship, its as good a reason as any.
GatorGirl May 1, 2012, 2:43 pm
Yeah I’m thinking the lying might have been a bigger issue then the pot! But I also think ultimatums are bad news for relationships.
I mostly don’t smoke because of the physical reaction I have to it (UTI like feeling until the THC clears my body) so thats most of the reason I don’t smoke…plus it’s illegal which I’m kind of hung up on. If it was legal I wouldn’t really have a problem with it at all.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:03 pm
Of course, of course the lying made it way worse. I undertand they discussed it a million times and never came to an agreement on it. She banned him from doing it, he refused to stop. Even while he lied about doing it, he still insisted he should be allowed to.
I guess my point was that I cannot imagine being so against it that I would end my marriage over it, but to each their own.
Anna May 1, 2012, 1:59 pm
I would have to agree that your relationship issues run deeper than weed. You are right, it is much safer than alcohol and the legal implications are the only danger. However, everyone has the right to their values, even if they don’t make sense to you. I get that your affinity for pot goes way beyond actually getting high; there’s a large portion of the US and the world that celebrates just talking about this magnificent plant, making jokes, and talking about the ridiculous politics behind prohibition. I understand because I’m the same way. I honestly couldn’t be with a guy I had to censor myself around when it comes to something I feel so strongly about. It would be like living a lie. So maybe you and your boyfriend are just too different.
Another huge concern of mine is the “No wife of mine would ever…” talk and attempting to control your behavior. That’s a big huge red flag to me. Today he’s telling you you’re not allowed to hit that joint with your sister, tomorrow he may be telling you that you’re not allowed to visit your family at all. And the psychological put-downs are so manipulative, it’s not right. What’s one of his favorite hobbies when he goes on vacation? Sailing? Kayaking? How would he feel if you said “I don’t agree with kayaking because it’s too dangerous. If you want to be with me, you can never go kayaking again. You are also forbidden from talking about it or joking about it. No husband of mine would EVER go kayaking.”
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:05 pm
And yes, the “no wife of mine” thing is kinda creepy. How many of them do you plan on having? Are you going to decapitate them and/or turn them to stone if they don’t behave? Are you going to put them in a room that only opens via a magical key from which blood stains can’t be removed? Dude, calm down.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 2:05 pm
Yeah, the “No wife of mine would ever” thing rubbed me the wrong way too.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:21 pm
I said it above but I didn’t quite get that part since he offered a compromise that would mean a wife of his WOULD use weed…every two years….it just didn’t make sense…
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 10:10 am
I got into some of this “no husband of mine” or “the father of my children” talk with my ex-boyfriend, I’m sorry to say. I never used those exact words, of course, but the spirit was the same. And the argument could be over something dumb like what I would do if he ever started smoking cigarettes again (He’d been military and quit years before I met him, and the topic came up about him possibly lighting up if he were hanging out with his buds over a beer. My mother had been a chainsmoker who I’d made quit as an elementary-schooler, and I wouldn’t marry a smoker).
In the end, it boiled down to a bad, bad match between us. He was emotionally abusive (this is not a comment on the LW), and for most of our relationship played the role of who he thought I wanted him to be rather than being who he really was (I notice the LW does feel she can’t be herself with her BF). When I’d suddenly get glimpses of who my ex really was underneath the acting, the incongruity would scare me. This would lead to some yucky ultimatum talk from me which I’m not proud of. If I’d only listened to the underlying problems, those conversations would NEVER have had to happen.
Miss V May 19, 2012, 12:05 am
LW take it from one who’s been there, you don’t want to be with someone whom you can’t be yourself around. You are who you are, and you are not lazy, immature, or any other stereotype associated with cannabis use. Some people like to drink, others like to exercise, no one is more righteous here. We are all human, he who is without sin, blah blah you get the point.
However, if you want a fulfilling, satisfying relationship, stay off the eggshells. It sounds as if you’re not compatible. Yeah, you may swear off of it forever, despite your being upfront about it from the get-go, but considering his tone toward you (controlling, demeaning), what will his next demand be? Something additional to consider: is he the type of man who will be there for you thru thick and thin? Will he be willing to forever give up acting condescending toward you? Do his good points outweigh his bad? Perhaps you could write our a pros vs. cons list-it’s always given me clarity (which for me, now, is pretty much MOA if I’m at that point).
Tell him to accept you or forget you!
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:00 pm
“I have been dating my guy for over five years, on and off. I won’t get into all the problems of our relationship, but there have been many. One new problem we have is”
Quite a way to start a letter, LW. Have you noticed how everyone who writes in, even the ones with the biggest problems / dating the biggest douches always start with something like “I’ve been with this awesome dude for 2 years and we get along great”? It’s pretty telling that you can’t or won’t spend even a line explaining why you want to stay with him. It’s like you don’t, or he’s already gotten on your nerves too much. I don’t think this is fixable.
I don’t think you are wrong for not wanting to give up a habit you had when you first met your BF if it’s not interfering with your life quality. I don’t think he’s wrong for having standards on what kind of person he wants to marry either, moronic as his may seem to me or any other highly functional pothead. So I guess everyone’s right, but not for each other.
mandalee May 1, 2012, 2:13 pm
Yes! That stuck out to me too! The LW was basically saying “We always disagree about one thing or another, here’s the latest thing…”. If that’s the lead-off description of your relationship, I think vacation pot smoking is the least of your problems.
This is clearly a case of different values, and they seem like a mis-match. I can almost guarantee that this isn’t and won’t be the last time they don’t see eye to eye on an issue similar to this. I think the LW should just schedule a vacation to see her sister and let this relationship end.
Anna May 1, 2012, 2:30 pm
Thanks for using the phrase “highly functional pothead.” It’s far underused in today’s society, but that’s what I’ve been for over 13 years. I smoked for the first time when I was 15 and never plan to quit forever. I graduated in the top quarter of my high school class, earned my B.A. with a 3.2 GPA while working full time, and have always been employed. I hate how the world is so quick to put us all in the box labeled “stupid lazy unemployed bum who lives in mom’s basement.” Currently, I haven’t smoked since New Years because of the whole moving/changing jobs situation….I miss it.
a_different_Wendy May 1, 2012, 3:58 pm
Same! I’ve been an extremely high functioning pot head since I was 19 and I see no reason to quit now. I have a good job, I pay all my bills on time, and it doesn’t make me lazy or make me binge on snack food (I get some of my best cleaning done when I’m high), so why shouldn’t I smoke? Of course, that’s easy for me to say because it’s been decriminalized in my state and the worst penalty you can get for it is a $100 fine if you don’t have a license.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:02 pm
I think you’re lying about not binge eating. That or I just hate you.
Ally May 1, 2012, 6:51 pm
It’s the only time I can be bothered to clean up! I’m glad I’m not alone in that one haha. Think the mess just bothers me more and I get fixated on the idea of tidying it up 🙂
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 7:40 pm
So, I want to say upfront that this is just my opinion and I am no means judging you or trying to convince you to stop doing what you feel works in your life, so long as you aren’t hurting anyone else.
Anyways, from my perspective, I think that life is to be lived and experienced first hand. Being on a substance, any substances legal or not, seems to defeat the purpose of enjoying (and sometimes suffering through) life. That’s not to say people should never drink or smoke pot or whatever – I’m not opposed myself to getting tipsy now and again – but to me it should be a an infrequent activity. Even if you’re high functioning…I don’t know…it just doesn’t make sense to me. Why do you want to be in a somewhat altered state of being a good deal of the time?
But then again, its your life to live, not mine!
Kristina May 1, 2012, 8:56 pm
I completely agree with you. I smoke pot every now and then (after years of saying I would never do it) and drink occasionally too, but I much prefer to not be on a substance. I prefer not to be in an altered state very often because of the rough life I had growing up. And so naturally, I spent a long time medicating myself via alcohol, but now that I have changed a lot, I don’t care to drink all that much. And to be honest, it bothers me when I see people who drink all the time, especially people around my age. I know that there are high-functioning people who drink, smoke pot, or even do hard drugs occasionally. My boyfriend is one of them, and I have friends who are too. I try not to judge people for those actions, but it is something that maybe I just don’t get.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 10:09 pm
I think of it like fishing. I could see, once in a while – maybe on a beautiful day – it would be enjoyable. Maybe with friends, or maybe somewhere particularly peaceful, it would be a nice experience.
But every damn weekend? Rain or shine? I do not get it. And yet such people exist. Same thing with drinking or smoking often. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about it…I just don’t understand.
Anna May 1, 2012, 9:09 pm
I did a lot more cleaning when I was smoking too…always wondered if I was the only one. It can only destroy your motivation if you lack motivation to begin with. I have fallen victim to the munchies often, but I always try to stock up on healthy munchie food when I have it in the house. If I have a bag of baby carrots and romaine salad instead of Doritos, guess what I’ll eat?
Miss V May 19, 2012, 12:24 am
OMG I’ve been a Highly-functioning, responsible, fully independent, user for longer than some of you have been alive! I’ve never od’d on it, gotten violent or acted like an asshole on it (unlike alcohol!). It helps with my anxiety and depression (which is the reason I tried it in the first place). I do it at night in my own home, and it enhances my creativity.
Lucy May 1, 2012, 2:13 pm
Too bad the bf didn’t write in. I’d like to know if he wants her to stop smoking pot because he thinks it is wrong/harmful/stupid (or maybe she’s just really annoying as hell when she’s high), or if he thinks she has a problem with it. It could go either way based on what clues are in the letter.
LW, when someone near and dear to you raises issues with your substance use, it’s usually a good idea to listen carefully. Your defensiveness on the subject, and the string of rationalizations you give (“my father is a doctor and he says it’s ok!”) suggests you may not really be all that objective about your own use. If the idea of giving up smoking pot is genuinely upsetting to you, you may have an issue. It would suck to get 10-20 years down the road and THEN deal with that issue.
But if your bf is just trying to control you, or impose his values on you, then it’s time to break up. Just be sure that’s what actually going on before you do. The accusation “You’re trying to control me!” is quite popular with addicts.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:17 pm
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:23 pm
“LW, when someone near and dear to you raises issues with your substance use, it’s usually a good idea to listen carefully”
We should print that in some t-shirts and wear them around the world.
mandalee May 1, 2012, 2:32 pm
I completely disagree that every time some brings up issues with her “substance use” she should listen carefully. If she’s completely throwing her life away on some meth addiction, sure. However, the way she describes it, it’s something she does occasionally on vacation of all places, and it’s a part of her lifestyle.
I will admit that I smoke sometimes *when I’m not on vacation* gasp* and if someone told me they had a problem with my 4-5 times a use a year, I’d tell them to get lost. This is something she cares about doing, this is something he equates to something he hates. That’s the issue here, not the fact that she has a severe substance abuse issue.
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:57 pm
I get it and I don’t think this LW has a problem either, but I think it’s good to be open to the possibility. It’s better that she listens to him, thinks really hard about it and decides everything’s under control and it’s just his problem than she doesn’t even pay attention. The attitude might be useful in the future, with the same or any other habit.
landygirl May 1, 2012, 5:07 pm
She said she only did it on holiday. I think this is more of a control issue than a pot issue.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:17 pm
My SO hates, hates, hates cigarettes. His grandma died of lung cancer and it scares him that I smoke. Every point he makes is correct. Its dangerous, I have a child, it smells, etc. I can’t give it up though. I try and fail. I’ll try again, too. I wish I could stop, for him and for myself. But when he is relentless about it, I remind him that I smoked when he met me and decided he wanted to date me. This is not a new thing. I also remind him, that while its my choice to smoke, he has a choice of his own if he decides he can’t live with it. Its not a nice thing to say, but something we all need to be reminded of I think.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:19 pm
I’m now thinking maybe I need to write in. lol.
Another similar story–he’s interested in getting a motorcycle. I told him he can go buy a nice one, but I’ll leave him the minute he does. Am I really manipulative? Eek, I hope not.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:30 pm
You sound like my best friend. I dated a guy with a bike once and she told me ‘wow – that is so sexy!” and the next sentence out of her mouth was “but he knows he’ll have to get rid of it, right?” My husband has a bike – to my best friend’s dismay – and while it is not my favourite thing to think of him on the road with the trucks and the bad drivers, he only has this one life and I figure if his happiness while being on the open road is going to cost me some worry then okay. Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. He did have to take proper lessons though and he wears protective gear from head to toe. I know because I bought it all for him. None of this riding in a t-shirt and a prayer – whatever isn’t armor is Kevlar. But everyone has their line in the sand…and everyone should.
JK May 1, 2012, 2:31 pm
I think both of your points are quite valid (that being said, you really should quit smoking).
I think if you start a relationship that does somehting/has a habit/whatever that you hate, then you can´t really expect them to change that afterwards. But you CAN expect them to stop/not doing somehitng that they know you hate if it starts after you´re in r/ship.
To clarify (I´m sleepy therefore a little more incoherent than usual today): I HATE smoke. My husband told me when we started dating that he used to smoke but had quit a few years before (his whole family smokes like horrible smelling chimneys). One night we were out with a group of friends and he smoked a couple of cigarettes. I got TOTALLY pissed off, and the next day we argued about it. IN that case, I think I was justified. If however, when we first met I knew he was a smoker, then once we started dating I tried to get him to stop, that would be wrong.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 2:37 pm
I’m an ex-smoker who would occasionally smoke when drunk. My boyfriend would get super pissed when he caught me smoking too! My thoughts were that as long as I wasn’t addicted, then it wasn’t a big deal. But he asked me to not do it EVER, so I agreed to not do it ever (around him). 😉
That said, after we broke up I started smoking again full-time. And now that we’re potentially getting back together, I’m working on quitting again and he’s being very supportive. I think it’ll be easier to quit now than to worry about it if/when I get pregnant or start trying to have a baby.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 2:32 pm
My bestest-bestie’s husband has a motorcycle, and when they were still just dating she FREAKED the F OUT. She didn’t want him to get one because it’s so dangerous and she’s terrified of something happening to him, blah blah blah. I can’t convey how much she hated it.
But now? She goes on motorcycle trips with him ALL. the. time.
I’m not sure how or why she came around. But it might be nice of you to let your man make the decision on this one without your COMPLETE disapproval. Voice your discontent, sure. But is it REALLY a dealbreaker? I’m not telling you what to do; I just know that my friend is probably really glad she didn’t completely shut herself off from the motorcycle idea.
My ex used to do that to me when I expressed interest in performing burlesque. He said sure, you’re “allowed” to do whatever you want. But if you do THAT, then I won’t be your boyfriend anymore. I don’t think I actually COULD perform burlesque in front of an actual crowd anyway. I have belly dance performances coming up and that’s nerve-wracking enough! But the fact that he disapproved made me want to do it more… (OK, I’m 12. Whatever).
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:50 pm
I go on my husband’s bike once in a while too…it makes him so happy – and I have to admit it IS fun – as long as we don’t go TOO fast…because apparently I’m 57 on the inside.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:06 pm
Don’t feel bad. I won’t participate in sleigh riding anymore because the molehill we ride on makes me go too fast.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 3:18 pm
Don’t get too wild LBH.
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:35 pm
How do you feel about scooters? Because I’m THIS CLOSE to buying a Vespa. I want a green one.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:39 pm
Love it. I want one too. Maybe I will suggest that as an alternative.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:44 pm
You are going to hurt his man feelings if you suggest a Vespa instead of a motorcycle!
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:45 pm
Let’s both get Vespas! Maybe if we slap a Dear Wendy sticker on it, Wendy will buy the Vespas for us, you know, “free” advertising. (Here’s where you can say “why don’t I just slap ya and we call it even” and then let’s see how many likes you get. No, don’t do it, I had feeling bad!)
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:48 pm
Why don’t I just hug you and we call it even?
(I’m quitting DW for LIFE if this gets more likes than your slap comment)
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:49 pm
And if you all think you’ll get rid of me by liking this, I go back on my word all the time, so I probably will be back an hour after I quit for life. So there.
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:52 pm
Lol, not me. When I said I’m never eating cheese again, I meant it! I really did mean it at the time.
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:50 pm
(I’m trying really hard to like this more than once – but I remember now you can’t!)
Guy Friday May 1, 2012, 2:46 pm
No. No. A MILLION times no. Don’t waste your money on a scooter. They’re ridiculously dangerous.
(Warning: My opinion may be colored by the fact that my father missed my wedding because he flipped over his scooter and cracked a bunch of ribs and couldn’t travel.)
bethany May 1, 2012, 2:49 pm
How fast was he going when it happened?? The road I’m going to drive my scooter on is only 25mph.
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:55 pm
Is he gonna be ok? The scooters I looked at don’t go too, too fast.
Guy Friday May 1, 2012, 2:58 pm
He was going 20 MPH. He’ll be OK; no internal injuries besides the cracked ribs. But a Vespa scooter prevented my father from being there on my wedding day, so, yeah, I’ve kind of got a grudge against the things.
(Yes, I know HE prevented him from being there. But that doesn’t exactly make it feel better.)
bethany May 1, 2012, 2:48 pm
I’m getting a scooter!! I have a motorcycle license, but the gear shifting is too tricky for me! My new house is a mile from the train (uphill on the way to work), so I don’t want to ride my bike every day cause I’ll get sweaty, so I’m gettng a scooter! yay!
Vespas are too expensive though 🙁
Violet May 1, 2012, 4:00 pm
It sounds like you would need to give up smoking in order to fairly ask him to give up the motorcycle dream. I would feel guilty otherwise, but YMMV.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:03 pm
ymmv? I’m thinking Youthful Man Motor Vehicles.
You’re right though.
Violet May 1, 2012, 4:12 pm
Hey, I wouldn’t want my SO riding a motorcycle or smoking, either, I am too anxious about anything bad happening to someone I care about. 🙂
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:32 pm
The last guy I dated didn’t let me smoke in his room, so I’d have to leave the bed naked, grab a blanket and go have a cigarette in the balcony, in the middle of winter. It was pretty annoying, but it was his room after all.
I wish I could stop too, but the closest I’ve gotten is rolling my own so they’re smaller and further apart.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 2:38 pm
The sick part – you actually would go out there, freeze your ass off, just to smoke. I do the same. It was pouring rain just this morning, but there I was on my porch. Its embarrassing, isnt it?
rainbow May 1, 2012, 2:43 pm
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 2:40 pm
You just need to find your own motivation. It has to come from within, and it’s different for everyone. For me, the biggest thing is that I don’t like to be a slave to my addiction. I hate being in a situation where I can’t/won’t smoke and getting that horrible awful feeling like I NEED ONE NOWWWW. Also, I don’t want those vertical wrinkles over my lip. Plus my mom smokes, and when I was a kid I hated it SO so much. So if I ever have my own kids, I don’t want them to have to deal with that.
And the more attempts you make to quit, the more likely it’ll eventually stick. Try some different methods and see what works for you. I usually need a combination of stuff.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:50 pm
My mom quit smoking at 63 years old, after doing it for more than 40 years. If she can do it, anyone can 🙂
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:50 pm
P. S. She has been smoke-free for 7 years now…
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 10:18 am
My mom quit 24 years ago. She’d been a chain smoker for a long time. After ten years, it was if she’d never smoked (in terms of her potential life-span/chances of getting cancer). All her younger friends who didn’t quit (even those who only smoked a few a day for a long time) have had heart attacks, lung problems, etc.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:08 pm
Thank you! I haven’t given up on quitting yet. It kills me that I can’t just throw the pack away and stop. And yes, i see the irony in that statement.
Brad May 1, 2012, 3:13 pm
Have you tried weaning yourself off of it? Very few people can quit bad habits cold turkey or in a short amount of time. Is it safe to assume you’ve tried the gum, patch, and electric cigarettes? I know a few people that have quit with the electric ones.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:18 pm
Hated the gum, the patch was my best shot I think. Haven’t tried the e-cigs yet, but I should. I;m scared of murdering someone on Chantix.
I think my problem is that I can be good and committed for a while, but it gets exhausting. It’d be so much easier to just light up then fight the urge day in and day out. The patch did help a lot though. And I can cut down to very few a day, but inevitably I’m back to a lot.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 3:30 pm
It IS exhausting. Which is why when you start to lose your motivation and say “Fuck it, one’s not going to hurt,” remember how god-awful and exhausting it is – and DON’T prolong it. You want to quit for GOOD so you can ease the pain of quitting.
What I do/did is slowly wean myself off the cigarettes WHILE increasing my substitution with the gum. Eventually I’m on all gum. I’ve used wellbutrin in the past as an additional aid (used it by itself but failed miserably). I also got an e-cigarette because when I drink, I get weak. Oh! And I found these “herbal cigarettes” that are tobacco-free and nicotine-free. They look and feel like cigarettes, so when I get the urge to smoke something I might have one of those.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:35 pm
I’ve heard the urge never goes away though. My boss told me, who at the time had quit for 3 months, that he still wanted one just as bad on day 90 than on day 1. I don’t think I’m strong enough I guess.
I’m going to try your strategy of upping the “replacement” while lowering the cigarettes.
Brad May 1, 2012, 3:48 pm
Self control is like a muscle, you have to train it to make it stronger, but if you regularly train it, it DOES get stronger.
a_different_Wendy May 1, 2012, 4:07 pm
The urge may not ever go away, but if you wait long enough and then just go ahead and give in to one (while sober), it’s awful and you remember why you quit in the first place. At least that’s what happened to me. I quit almost two years ago, and then a couple months ago after a burlesque performance I decided to go ahead and try one (I’d been having on and off cravings for a month) and I couldn’t even inhale it. That made the cravings go right away. I’ll probably do the same thing if it starts happening again later.
rachel May 1, 2012, 4:19 pm
Yeah, my boyfriend quit almost a year ago. He’ll occasionally smoke while drinking and then will complain about how awful it is. Plus, he took up running while quitting smoking for some extra motivation and the hit that he takes while running after smoking the night before just reminds him again why he quit.
CatsMeow May 1, 2012, 4:49 pm
It really is a lifelong addiction. I quit for over 2 years and still had momentary craving-pangs.
Lucy May 1, 2012, 7:36 pm
The patch works for most people if they use it right and if they don’t try to wean themselves off it too quickly. It’s OK to wear the patch for months or even years – it’s better than smoking. And if you slip and have one smoke, keep the patch on. It keeps one from turning into 20.
My MIL, a chain smoker for 60 years, quit smoking at age 75, which convinces me anyone can do it. Too bad she waited until she had COPD to do it.
JK May 1, 2012, 3:14 pm
My mother smoked when she was young, quit when she atrted trying to get pregnant with my oldest sister, then started again when my youngest brother was like 10 or something like that: so around 16 years without smoking. Lately she was smoking more, and more (here HEAPS of people smoke), I was nagging her about it, my 4 y.o. had started nagging her about it. Then she started doing lots of beauty treatments, I told her not to bother, if she was going to keep smoking ike that (she was up to nearly 2 packs a day at that point). That was the first dent in the armour, shall we say. Then she got really REALLy bad bronchitis. Like 2 weeks in bed, hardly being able to move. SInce then she hasnpt smoked anymore (a year ago in june, after smoking the 2nd time around for around 20 years).
So it is possible (she did trade cigs for sweets, so now is dieting to get all the excess weight off, haha)
bethany May 1, 2012, 3:57 pm
I love smoking, but I rarely do it anymore (maybe 1 cig/month MAX), however I’m going to start smoking again when I hit 85…
oldie May 1, 2012, 2:24 pm
This does seem a case of incompatibility. I can see his concern. LW says she smokes ‘a lot’ when on holiday. If they lived together or married, presumably they’d spend holidays together. I don’t know what country she lives in, but here new employees get what, two weeks vacation? So he probably sees her smoking ‘a lot’ all through their joint vacations, which won’t allow him to relax and enjoy them. I don’t see either of them changing, so it’s MOA time.
The country does matter. She says ‘highly illegal’. That suggests get caught, go to jail, and more seriously illegal than in US. That would concern a spouse.
I agree with those who say how striking it is that she really has nothing good to say about bf. So, why even consider staying together. Also, the letter is really unclear about how much she actually smokes, but her relationship with her sister seems built around pot smoking and pot jokes. I think that’s what she is referring to when she says she can’t be herself around bf now. It certainly sounds like she doesn’t just smoke on holiday, since she says ‘when I hang out with an old friend’ or when she gets together with her sister.
Fabelle May 1, 2012, 2:26 pm
This relationship seems like a lot more trouble than it’s worth. I personally don’t think smoking weed is that big of a deal, but I do find stoned people incredibly annoying to be around– and I used to smoke quite a lot! For me, it was sort of a phase, so maybe your boyfriend figured it was a phase for you?
It seems like more of a lifestyle, however, which is fine. Plenty of people lead lifestyles of drinking, & I happen to agree that pot can be less detrimental overall. Find somebody who shares this view, and your values. Your boyfriend is not that person.
I’d be more sympathetic towards him if he approached this in a “hey, can we talk about your smoking?” way, but the whole “no mother of MY CHILD” thing sounds controlling and creepy. Anyone who utters that phrase probably has a serious madonna/whore complex, in my opinion.
caitie_didn't May 1, 2012, 2:26 pm
“no wife of mine”…..okay there, judgey-mcjudgey pants *rolls eyes*.
that is the thing that stuck out the most in this quite long letter. BF has as much of a right to not want to date a pot-smoker as the LW has to continue smoking but this controlling, belittling attitude is the wrong way to approach the issue.
Also, it seems some people are really drinking the hatorade for pot here. It’s not for me, personally, but if it’s not interfering with your ability to be a functional adult, what’s the big deal?
Genie May 1, 2012, 2:33 pm
Putting aside all the other issues, and addressing JUST the pot: would he have the same reaction if she drank wine once in a while? “Potheads” are a judgment of society – if you’re creating an ultimatum regarding the smoking, it’s because you are afraid of what other people will think about your wife.
caitie_didn't May 1, 2012, 4:28 pm
Eh, I think some people might have moral objections to it,which although I might not understand, I can’t fault. There are also lots of other totally logical and valid reasons to not be interested in smoking or dating someone who does.
Despite being a supporter of safe injection sites (and legalized marijuana for that matter), I do have moral issues with the use of other drugs. If you use cocaine recreationally, for example, you’re financing a drug trade run by vicious cartels that are also involved in human trafficking, prostitution and, y’know, murder. Whereas, if you use pot, you’re more likely to be financing some dude you went to high school with.
Everybody’s morals or values are different…but I do think some people get really caught up in “drugs are EVIL! Just say no! It’s a gateway drug!” hyperbole when it comes to pot without considering that “illegal” may not be the same as “immoral”.
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 10:22 am
In my opinion, using pot itself is morally neutral. But when you factor in the negative impact it could have on your partner or your children’s lives (due to legal issues or potential consequences at work, etc) it becomes quite a bit less neutral. . . It still isn’t a “moral” issue, but I wonder if it doesn’t begin to cross over into “unethical” or “inconsiderate” if it is going to have a heavy impact on your (supposed) loved ones or offspring.
Brad May 1, 2012, 2:28 pm
LW, please do not hang onto a relationship that is no longer right for either of you simply because it’s familiar and comfortable.
I agree with Wendy in that the values of your boyfriend and yourself are different, and they’re different in an incompatible way. I’m not the sort of person that feels every letter or situation is a definite MOA already case, but in yours I think it might be. If I’m understanding correctly, your boyfriend has stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with pot anymore and doesn’t want it in his life or in the lives of his future children. There is nothing wrong with this position or attitude, but your position is on the opposite side of the fence. It would be disrespectful for you to continue this relationship with him while smoking behind his back, and it would be disrespectful of him to demand that you change who you are for him. He’s told you his position on pot and asked you to give it up for him, but you’re not willing to give it up. And as painful as it is, I think this is a sign that you two are not meant to be. I wish you the best in your future.
painted_lady May 1, 2012, 2:31 pm
I agree with what it sounds like just about everyone is saying, including Wendy. I’m not particularly crazy about pot. I have friends who smoke a lot of it, but then I’m not planning on spending my life with them. I don’t particularly like being around when they’re stoned, either. I mean, I don’t run around yanking joints out of everyone’s hands, I usually just quietly leave. But you know how I figured it out? I was with a guy for awhile who was a daily smoker. At first it was fine – oh, he’s baked again, roll eyes, go about my business, and then after awhile, it really started getting on my nerves. Like a lot. At first it was just that his house reeked constantly but he thought he was covering his tracks by putting blackout curtains up in the living room and hiding everything in the piano bench when the cleaning lady came over. And then it was that I could never have a conversation I wanted him to remember when he was high. And then it finally hit me – everything about his pot habit irritated me. It was like having two boyfriends, one whom I liked and one I couldn’t stand. I hated how much paranoia came with the regular pot smoking – pizza was always delivered through the garage, not the front door, because there was always pot in the living room, I couldn’t talk about times he was stoned in front of anyone without getting a dirty look and a panicked shushing, and if I invited a friend over, there was such a frenzied rush to put up the stash, so I eventually quit doing so. It was awful, and I’m sure he was completely confused when I finally voiced my issues as I had initially been fine with it, but it took me awhile to comprehend the realities of being involved with a stoner.
My point being, you seem to feel like the game was changed on you, and in a way it was, but maybe not in a way that was meant to hurt you. Should he have voiced it better? Yeah, absolutely. I probably should have with my ex as well. It’s probably been shifting in his head for awhile, at least judging from my experience, but it’s very difficult to express that gradual shift as anything other than nagging and increased controlling behavior. And dealbreakers are never easy to hear, but they’re far worse when they’re framed as ultimatums. With my ex, I eventually was able to say, “Hey hon, I hate that you smoke pot this much. I really hate being around it, and I don’t like you when you’re stoned. I don’t know that this is something I can compromise on.” And while he offered to cut back and avoid it around me, ultimately it just wasn’t something I could compromise on. As badly as your boyfriend has handled this, he’s within his rights to not want someone who smokes a lot (even at sporadic times). And he’s within his rights to have changed his opinion about it over several years. But you are also within your rights to decide this is a dealbreaker for you. It’s completely understandable – if my painting habit got on someone’s nerves, I’d have to go, too. Just bear in mind that fundamental incompatibility doesn’t make the other person an asshole, and admit that this relationship has run its course.
Flake May 1, 2012, 2:39 pm
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:32 pm
LW has good, non-judgmental advice above to think about. I just want to say: I could never be with someone who smokes pot on a regular basis – the illegality of it concerns me the most. I also don’t like driving above the speed limit. I’m ok with stealing ketchup packets from fast-food joints, though. I also support white lies. And I’m that annoying friend that bums a cigarette from time to time but never has her own pack. (Because ewwww, I’m not a “smoker”!) My biggest pet peeve is not standing up on the bus for the elderly. Don’t ask if they’d like to sit. Just fucking stand up and let them have the option of standing or sitting.
Having said that, for what it’s worth: I think I’d really enjoy smoking pot with a lot of you! 😉
Sorry, that was random and no help to the LW.
Budj May 1, 2012, 2:39 pm
I hate cig bummers….oh and my co-worker named her new baby Addie. Your reputation reaches far and wide, apparently.
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 2:43 pm
I know, I know, cig bummers are the worst! (In my defense, about once a year I buy my friend a pack of cigarettes for no reason – well, other than I’ve probably bummed a full packet of cigs over the year.) Addie, awwww. Addie is actually a family name – there are three generations of Addie in my family right now. But they’re men.
Budj May 1, 2012, 3:00 pm
Wait, you wish you were a man?
Addie Pray May 1, 2012, 3:56 pm
No, they wish they were women.
Budj May 1, 2012, 3:59 pm
I see you have played this game before…
pinkjellyfishy May 1, 2012, 2:58 pm
Just like you Addie, I have some useful-but-not-really advice. Exploit the loophole! If he wants you to stop *smoking* pot, just bust out the butter and make pot cookies/brownies instead. Oh, the beauty of semantics, my plan is FOOLPROOF.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:11 pm
Anyone ever try a vaporizer?
pinkjellyfishy May 1, 2012, 3:32 pm
Vaporizers are magical! I love that you get a wonderfully smooth inhale, and it’s almost hard to gauge how much you took in until you exhale (I suppose that could be a good or bad thing…)
Budj May 1, 2012, 3:58 pm
I’ve been meaning to acquire one. My roommates will be happier, my lungs will be happier, and since I would easily quit cigs before weed it will help me feel motivated to quit smoking cigs too.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:06 pm
I’ve heard the iOLite is pretty amazing.
mandalee May 1, 2012, 3:33 pm
I did a few times in college, and it was interesting. I have asthma so sometime partaking in smoking makes me cough sometimes, so it definitely helped with that. It’s a very strange and weird feeling to do it if you’re not used to it, but a great and “cleaner” way to inhale pot. My aunt who lives in Cali swears by it.
Miss V May 19, 2012, 12:49 am
Da Buddah! MUCH healthier!
Fabelle May 1, 2012, 3:55 pm
Oh, Addie, don’t feel bad about being a cig bummer. I think I’m even worse– I usually have a pack, but it’s always “in my car” & I promise the person I’ll get them later. Except I don’t.
Budj May 1, 2012, 3:56 pm
My one bandmate is like you….it grates me so bad, haha. Now that the weather is nicer I’m going to tell him to go to his freaking car and bum ME one.
caitie_didn't May 1, 2012, 4:13 pm
yeah, despite my belief that pot should be legal and that it’s not that big of a deal I also wouldn’t date someone who smoked more than very occasionally. I wouldn’t date someone who smoked cigarrettes, either. The fact that pot is currently illegal is sort of an issue (although Canadian laws are far less strict than the ridiculous American ones), especially if it could jeopardize my career. But the bigger issue is that I don’t like the smell, don’t want to be around second-hand smoke (in the case of tobacco) and would have trouble being around someone who was regularly under the influence of anything.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 2:32 pm
Its really pretty simple. He has come to find a particular activity unattractive and inconsistent with his morals and has asked you to stop – not unreasonable. You enjoy this particular activity, and you only do it in legal settings – not unreasonable. However, it appears you two are at an impasse. If its a dealbreaker for him that you keep smoking, and its a dealbreaker for you to be asked to completely abstain or be judged for continuing, it appears you two are not suited for one another.
Matthew May 1, 2012, 2:37 pm
LW, first and foremost, I suspect as others have said that this relationship has much deeper issues. Bad Communication, Ultimatums, Lack of Understanding… geesh. But assuming that pot really is the big issue for now though…
How can you say that pot doesn’t affect your with your BF in anyway and wouldn’t affect him if you lived with him? It’s clear it already affects your relationship. As you said, he’s annoyed whenever he calls and you are under the influence. And frankly, he probably has a right to be annoyed; I bet he wants to be with YOU, not under-the-influence-YOU. And of course it affects him if his wife were to smoke a “highly illegal” drug. What if you get arrested? What if your potential kids find out you’re smoking pot? How does he explain to them about mommy’s illegal habit?
Why should he trust that you don’t have a problem? Binge smoking doesn’t sound like particularly healthy behavior to me, even if you are high-functioning. How often are you on Holiday? Could you go without smoking for almost a year whilst pregnant?
It sounds like you really don’t know yet exactly why your BF doesn’t want you smoking. You should really figure that out ASAP. Afterwards, it’s entirely possible you will discover that your values are too different. If they are, then you really aren’t worth of being his wife and he really isn’t worth of being your husband and you both can move on….
2_J May 1, 2012, 2:37 pm
Something to add, pardon me if someone already has brought this up, sometimes us men can be a bit of a wimp when it comes to wanting to move on or break up and what have you, so we start nit picking things and causing fights and/or throw in a major ultimatum here and there in the hopes you will do the job of breaking up with us, FOR us. I thought of that as i was reading the letter and i really think the LW and her boyfriend are, like Wendy said, outgrowing or have already outgrown one another and it sounds to me like it is time to throw in the towel and be yourself and wait for or find someone who is 420 friendly that has no issue with letting you be yourself.
theattack May 1, 2012, 2:41 pm
I hope his values have just changed over time, because I hate hate hate when people spring up different rules later in the relationship when they knew it was a problem all along. If you know it’s a problem, please talk about it in the beginning!
FireStar May 1, 2012, 2:52 pm
Bait and Switch. Just evil.
Brad May 1, 2012, 3:05 pm
Nah, I think it’s more likely it’s just because he’s gotten older. Most people tend to move closer to the center as they get older (I mean that in a non-political way). So if you were really liberal you tend to get slightly more conservative (which I’d bet is the case here) or vice-versa. I used to be REALLY conservative when I was younger (younger meaning teens and first 2-3 years of college) but I’ve really mellowed out a lot in the last 3-4 years since I graduated.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 3:13 pm
You know how we always say the problems pre-marriage will only be amplified once married? Its similar to what some of you guys have said about pot here. You once dated someone who smoked and it was a little annoying at first, then it got really annoying. Maybe that’s what has happened here. If somethings a little annoying, pay attention to it.
FireStar May 1, 2012, 3:14 pm
Oh I wasn’t talking about the LW’s boyfriend. Values change over time – fair enough. I’m talking about the people that say X and then when you are locked in – all of a sudden it is Y. Like men that take you out on dates and are charming and social and you marry them and all of a sudden the woman is on house arrest because he doesn’t want to go out anymore…I have more than one girlfriend confused about what happened to her husband…and her social life. I had a rule with my husband when we got together – start as you mean to go on – because no one is flipping script in the middle of this thing.
Fabelle May 1, 2012, 4:04 pm
Actually, I think that particular example you used is a pretty common scenario. To generalize, a lot of men seem to want to hunker down & be homebodies once they’re comfortable in a relationship– they view going out as a “single” or “beginning-of-the-relationship” activity.
Brad May 1, 2012, 4:31 pm
I think that’s probably because the average guy either has more at-home hobbies or is more willing to allocate time to the few at home hobbies he has compared to the average women. I think the average woman has more out-of-the-house hobbies compared to guys, or considers being out more fun than being at home. Many men go out to MEET someone and once that objective is complete there “isn’t a point” going out anymore. The idea that being fun while out doing stuff was part of the reasons why your wife/gf fell in love with you *should* be obvious to guys, but I don’t think it is in all cases.
I feel for your friends if they’ve been communicating to their husbands that they need some date nights and the comments/requests are going ignored/unanswered.
theattack May 1, 2012, 4:51 pm
That’s probably what the situation is here. I’m just saying that if someone _does_ know that something’s an issue for them from the beginning, they need to talk about it then. If he always knew that he wouldn’t want the mother of his children smoking pot, they needed to have that discussion in the beginning of their relationship. It’s unfair to get someone so invested in a relationship and then ask them to change in order to keep it. If he just now realized it was a problem for him, then he’s done nothing wrong at all.
I just wish that people would think several steps into the future before getting too serious. Five years is a long time to have never stepped back and thought “Hmm… what would it be like if we had children together and she was still smoking pot?” Liberal or conservative, he probably didn’t change so much over those five years that he did a complete 180 on pot-smoking mothers. I want to know if he thought about it earlier, and if so, did they have a conversation about it?
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:07 pm
“I just wish that people would think several steps into the future before getting too serious.” Haha I think I have the opposite problem of doing that too soon. le sigh.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:13 pm
Aw Brad, aren’t you just adorable.
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:25 pm
Well I certainly think so…
theattack May 1, 2012, 5:24 pm
haha, that doesn’t surprise me about you. But as a female, I much prefer a guy who thinks too far ahead than one who doesn’t think far enough ahead. You’re erring on the side you should be if you’re looking for something to work out.
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:39 pm
Yeah I’ve been the cautious/consequence-aware type since about 13 and it’s both a blessing and a curse. Had one of those epiphany/growing up moments after 7th grade (I spent all 7th grade trying to be a “cool” guy and climb the social ladder—it worked but it had the consequence of taking my grades from straight A to C/D average). So it’s a personality trait that’s kept me out of trouble for sure and no doubt contributed to me getting a decent job, but it can make it hard(er) to take risks or be spontaneous…
Kristina May 1, 2012, 2:43 pm
I think the LW is taking all the problems in her relationship and lumping it into “he doesn’t want me smoking pot.” It really seems like he’s using that as an excuse to break up. And if smoking pot is that big of a deal to him, then you should just move on. It doesn’t sound like his opinion will change anytime soon. I used to have a big problem with those who smoked weed and never tried it myself and it was always a dealbreaker. Then I started dating my boyfriend, who smokes it everyday, and he is one of those “high-functioning” users. I tried it a couple of months ago and my opinion on it has changed and I smoke occasionally. Ultimately, You have to find someone who shares your lifestyle in terms of drinking and weed, otherwise it could really become a problem later on.
HmC May 1, 2012, 2:52 pm
“My question is, does he have the right to ask this of me? I find it so conservative and a little bit insulting.”
Of course he has that right. He has a right to want to be with someone who doesn’t smoke pot at all, or someone who smokes it moderately, or someone who will be a stay at home mom, or pretty much anything else. And you have a right to do what he asks, compromise with him, tell him to fuck off, dump him, or not dump him. A relationship is not really about “rights”, it’s about compatibility. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who meets your qualifications for a good partner, nor is there anything wrong with dumping someone whose idea of what makes a good partner do not match your own. Sounds like the two of you are incompatible, just based on this one rather huge issue. Not to mention that your relationship has had “many” problems.
Tracey May 1, 2012, 3:44 pm
“He says things like ‘no wife of his…’ or ‘no mother of his child’….” He dares to say things like “no wife of his…” or “no mother of his child…” because those are the standards he’s set for himself, standards he has a right to set for himself.
“…it just infuriates me because it’s implying I am not worthy of being his wife or mother of his child….” What should infuriate you is that you are trying to make him change his core beliefs to fit yours. He doesn’t want his wife or mother to use controlled substances. He’s made that perfectly clear. You see no problem using a controlled substance in moderation. You’ve made that perfectly clear. Both of you have every right to set your own core personal standards, mores, and beliefs. Both of you have. Unfortunately in this case, the standards you’ve set for yourselves do not fit together.
“…I am wonderful, how dare he!” Yes, you are wonderful. So is he. Unfortunately he dares because he wants you to change to fit his ideal, just like you want him to change so that he fits yours. That is not wonderful. Incompatibility never is.
Don’t hold his words or his beliefs against him, and stop letting him hold your words and beliefs against you. Let him go, and find someone who is a better fit for your. Let him find someone who is a better fit for him. If you love each other, it’s the only right thing to do.
Violet May 1, 2012, 4:08 pm
It seems to me that after five years of a shaky relationship, the BF is looking to move onto someone who shares his values; perhaps he is getting to that stage where he is contemplating settling into a life with someone and he is picking apart the LW because he realizes that she is not what he wants from a LTR or marriage. It does not mean the LW is wrong in her stance, either, just appears to be two people who are no longer compatible.
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 4:21 pm
I don’t believe in ultimatums.
Nor the people who give them.
Seriously, no relationship lasts anyway.
Just fucking quit this guy and be done with it.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:23 pm
But do you believe in dealbreakers?
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 4:31 pm
Not over something so trivial as pot.
Dealbreakers? Sure. You know, over something big. Like murder.
But here it’s always such trivial bullshit.
Porn. Emotional cheating. And now… Pot.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 4:57 pm
People can have whatever dealbreakers they want, even if it seems asinine to everyone else. Its one thing to recognize you and your partner differ on something that you consider to be non-negotiable, and another to emotionally guilt trip them into changing who they are.
In the end, I agree that this LW and her boyfriend are better off not being together. And he does sound like he’s being a dick about things, but if pots a dealbreaker for him, who are we to call that trivial?
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:03 pm
I agree with both of you, to a degree.
It does strike me as bizarre though, to end a marriage (obv not applicable to this letter) over something trivial. By trivial I mean anything other than, like BGM, murder, abuse, etc. I mean, you agree to spend your life with someone all the while assuming nothing about them will ever change? Agree to spend your LIFE with someone, but leave them over something like smoking weed? If you are coming up with dealbreakers for things that are not really that serious in the bigger scheme of things, then you clearly should not have began that relationship, imo. Obviously hard to foresee the future. IDK, I said above that I told my SO I’d leave him if he got a motorcycle, but in all reality, I would not do that. I like to think our love is strong enough to overcome things such as disagreements over smoking, etc.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 5:10 pm
Well, I think the answer here is don’t marry someone who you already know has or does one of your dealbreakers. If she smokes pot, and he is against, and no ones going to budge, don’t marry them.
Once you’ve committed yourself to someone, either through marriage or both consciously making that pledge to one another, you should honor that commitment, even if they change who they are or you change your stance on something like pot.
But in the case of these two, two people with no legal, spiritual, or any other binding commitment, jump ship. Don’t demand the other person change, but don’t stay with someone who has something that is a glaring no-no in your opinion.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:16 pm
She changed her stance. Used to smoke, then stopped when she had kids.
Agree with you completely on your last paragraph.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:21 pm
Yeah that seems like a ridiculously hypocritical reason to get divorced. I have a feeling she too just wanted an excuse to get out and thought no one would judge her if she got divorced because he was smoking the devil. Then it was all on him and she has no blame. I am all for happily ever after – but the older I get the less I judge divorce because I see the crazy lengths people go to to justify it. I guess I don’t want to ever go through it but I wish there wasn’t a stigma against it so that people wouldn’t have to make up bs reasons to get divorced. No one can be honest and own there shit anymore. Mark my words if I get divorced and it’s because he wouldn’t pick up his socks I’m going to be honest about it. No shame here. He left one too many socks on the ground. Or left one too many dishes in the sink which is located exactly 12 centimeters from the dishwasher.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:24 pm
The older I get, the less I judge. My mom appears to have been right in that the minute you judge someone for something, it happens to you.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:28 pm
Oh my gosh that is so true. I call it karma. I used to see everything so black and white but now it’s just all shades of grey. (see what I did there? Yay May book club). I just wish that when people were more honest with themselves and the world. Because you know that girl didn’t really divorce him solely because of his mj habit.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:34 pm
Typos are stupid. Sorry. Above there is an incorrect use of “there” – should have been “own their shit”. And “I just wish people were more..”. It’s been a long day. I really do actually need that pool and beer time.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:27 pm
Well now I sound like a terribly cynical person and that’s not how I meant that comment. What I’m getting at is that to me honesty is the. most. important. thing. in. life. “You are only as sick as your secrets” is pretty much my favorite quote of all time. There was specifically one temper tantrum that I threw on here because the vast majority of commenters stated that if someone knew their SO was cheating on them they would rather not know. And if fucking blew my mind. Living in denial is something I simply cannot wrap my head around. People that can’t be honest with themselves and their SO’s piss me off. So I guess a liar would be my deal breaker.
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:45 pm
Agreed. I would want to know. It might be extremely painful and have all sorts of unpleasant known consequences (like legal and financial) and unknown consequences, but to me that’s better than living a lie.
I would definitely take the red pill.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:53 pm
I would definitely take the red pill. Or the blue one. Green and yellow purple pills – I take a couple uppers – I down a couple downers. Wait…are we still talking about the same thing?
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:55 pm
Well I don’t know about you but I was making a Matrix reference 😛
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:59 pm
Funny I was quoting a rap song. You’re a nerd through and through I’m a gangster through and through – and neither of us have any idea what the other is talking about. Funny to me.
Brad May 1, 2012, 6:34 pm
theattack May 1, 2012, 5:32 pm
@LBH, Coming from someone who’s very pro-weed, I can still see it being a dealbreaker if someone started smoking weed. If I shared a house with someone, I wouldn’t want them bringing illegal substances into it, jeopardizing my criminal record and career. If, like the LW, they go away to do it in a place where it’s legal, then sure! Go for it! But IMO, something is reasonable as a dealbreaker if it can harm the other person.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:40 pm
What if they never brought it around you though?
theattack May 1, 2012, 6:57 pm
Depends on the relationship then. If we’re just dating and not living together, then I wouldn’t care. But if we’re sharing an economy (ie: splitting rent, or a joint account during marriage), then I wouldn’t appreciate the other person doing something that would be so risky to our joint finances. And I’m not talking about the cost of weed, because I don’t care about that much. But if he was caught and ended up losing his job, it would mean that I would be the sole person supporting us. Of course, spouses should support each other during times of unemployment, etc., but I would not be very understanding of it if it was something that could have been prevented.
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:00 pm
Afraid I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one today Mark. Considering something that’s illegal, such as pot smoking (even if he used to do it), is not a trivial deal breaker. There are potential consequences for being associated with someone that frequently breaks the law. You might feel recreational use of weed shouldn’t be illegal and that there’s nothing immoral about it (I abstain from that debate), but like it or not it is illegal today.
I personally consider pot use, and other drug use, a deal breaker. I don’t like smoking in general (be it pot or cigarettes) for a number of different reasons, but chief among them being I have the sort of job that has a strict no drug-use policy (and can require me to pass a drug test at any moment for example), and I’m not willing to risk my job being with someone that uses/is in possession of them.
theattack May 1, 2012, 4:53 pm
re: “Seriously, no relationship lasts anyway.”
Especially bitter today, mark?
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 5:19 pm
VERY. Just found out myself and everybody who worked our asses off on season 1 of a HIGHLY successful webseries — seriously, it was People Magazine’s Pick of the Week — got shafted once they decided to go with an all new crew for season two.
It’s so typical. And yet so maddening. Especially since we all worked below our rates with all these promises of this going four or five seasons. As Art Director, I basically had to be Joan Holloway and I pulled rabbit after rabbit out of my hat for three solid weeks in insane conditions with precious little budget and little help. I was toasted at the wrap party that the show simply wouldn’t have come together had it not been for me.
And then…. Totally forgotten.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:22 pm
I’m guessing in your line of work, you are just happy to get work and aren’t in a position to demand a contract for future seasons?
That sucks man. Its BS.
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 5:27 pm
Exactly. MY patience with Hollywood wears thin. Frankly, it ASTOUNDS me that this town is dripping with the blood of workplace rampage style shootings. They happen all around the country. And yet they never seem to happen out here. Curious. Because I know so many people who have been so fucked over. My own stories pale in comparison.
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 5:29 pm
Exactly. MY patience with Hollywood wears thin. Frankly, it ASTOUNDS me that this town isn’t dripping with the blood of workplace rampage style shootings. They happen all around the country. Every other day, it seems… And yet, somehow, they never happen out here. Curious. Because I know so many people who have been so fucked over. My own stories pale in comparison.
theattack May 1, 2012, 8:58 pm
Sorry to hear about that, BGM. 🙁 Wish I had something helpful to tell you. You sound like a really hard worker, and we can only hope that karma comes back to help you out soon.
Violet May 1, 2012, 5:19 pm
I think in most cases emotional infidelity is a pretty reasonable dealbreaker. :-/
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 5:22 pm
Eh, If somebody is cheating on you emotionally — then it simply reflects a HUGE failure on YOUR part to meet your partner’s emotional needs. Seriously. I truly, sincerely believe that. Happy people who feel loved and appreciated don’t waste their time seeking emotional validation from others… They just don’t.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 5:26 pm
Although wouldn’t it be nice if instead of first seeking emotional validation from others, the neglected partner confronted the other about their needs? Or ended the relationship to find someone else who would give them the affection they needed?
I agree that happy people don’t do things like emotionally cheat…buuuuuuttttttt…two wrongs don’t make a right here.
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 5:30 pm
You are making the rather HUGE assumption that they haven’t already done so and haven’t already been repeatedly “let down” by a partner who simply doesn’t get it.
ele4phant May 1, 2012, 5:35 pm
Well, I mean to imply, if the neglected party confronts the other and still gets nothing, that should be a dealbreaker, and they should leave the relationship BEFORE emotionally stepping out with someone else.
I’m not saying the cheater should get all the blame, or even the lion’s share (most bad relationships don’t come down to just the actions of one person – its a shared effort), but they don’t get to be absolved either.
Of course, things get hairier when there is a marriage (much less children!), but the wrongs of one partner never justifies the wrongs of the other.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:29 pm
Your throwing the blame onto the other usually-described-as-innocent-party has really begun messing with my head. Like, to the point that…Wendy, we need another To Be Deleted Thread!
Violet May 1, 2012, 5:48 pm
I disagree, especially in cases where mental issues are present; there are certain types of disorders where people have a huge amount of insecurity and are a bottomless pit of need when it comes to attention from the opposite sex. Things like that are not their partner’s fault. Some people really are extremely needy, and no one person could possibly satisfy that. So I think the circumstances can vary widely.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 4:44 pm
While we’re on the subject – I could really go for a glass of wine. Or a beer. Or a margarita. Oh relaxation how I need you. My favorite new hobby is to come home after work and go to the pool by myself with a beer and read a book and just bake in the sun. I love summer.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:52 pm
go by the pool? I don’t like you anymore. I wish I lived somewhere warmer.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 4:53 pm
Well it’s only Colorado – so today it’s like 80. But that’s warm enough for pool time for me 🙂
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 4:54 pm
I bet I would love pool time. I pretty much live on my porch when the weather allows.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:01 pm
I bet I would love pool time with you. We could drink beer or try out some other relaxation techniques.
rachel May 1, 2012, 5:07 pm
I want to lay by a pool. Stupid phd.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:14 pm
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:09 pm
Don’t suntan too much or it’ll age your skin and make you look leathery 🙁
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:11 pm
As per my dermatologist I now embrace the pasty. What can I say I’m a health nut like that. This skin will be lathered in sun screen (buzz kill).
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:19 pm
Well you probably already know this then but just encase, make sure you’re aware that the SPF number is not an indicator of strength but rather a indicator of how often you need to reapply. It’s a common misconception I used to believe.
For anyone else that’s curious/doesn’t know much about sunscreen and would like to know more please take a look at this article as I learned a lot from it.
Iwannatalktosampson May 1, 2012, 5:23 pm
You are such a nerd. But that’s okay with me.
Brad May 1, 2012, 5:42 pm
In my defense I’ve never worn a pocket protector or used masking tape to repair my glasses…
Ally May 1, 2012, 7:26 pm
That is so helpful! I live in Scotland and am ginger-haired (walking stereotype, I know) and even here I get sun burn! Short of behaving/dressing like a vampire all I can do is slap on the sunscreen and hope for the best. More information is always great, so thanks 🙂
Ally May 1, 2012, 7:28 pm
P.S, I’m referring to the type of vampire for whom sunlight means instant fire-y death… not the kind partial to full body glitter.
Brad May 1, 2012, 8:19 pm
Well I’m glad I could help keep you from combusting on us.
landygirl May 1, 2012, 5:16 pm
Meh, as Janet Jackson said, its all about control. I have no problem with kind bud and I think a lot of people demonize it unnecessarily. It seems as you two have different ideas of what you want in a mate. He is entitled to want what he wants but you are not obligated to meet his expectations.
For the record, not all smokers are shiftless, lazy hippies and Reefer Madness isn’t real.
Violet May 1, 2012, 5:21 pm
But Reefer Madness is such a good movie! Retro hysteria films are amazing. 🙂
landygirl May 1, 2012, 5:37 pm
I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen it. We live in a society that tries to instill fear in people because it’s easier to control people when they worry about consequences. I hate reading the news anymore as it seems they only ever report bad news.
bittergaymark May 1, 2012, 6:42 pm
fast eddie May 1, 2012, 5:05 pm
I’m totally with the boy friend on this. You all know I’m no prude and smoked it a few times in the 70s. My wife still does with an issued County Medical Marijuana card. I don’t like to be around it and avoid it to the extreme. I wish the guy luck because it’s unlikely she’ll give it up.
lets_be_honest May 1, 2012, 5:17 pm
I’m very surprised Eddie!
Sue Jones May 1, 2012, 9:40 pm
I agree. I was around in the ’70’s and did a lot of it then. Now I just do not want to be around it, the vibe, anything. It is legal where I live if used medically and I support that for people who really need it. The problem is, you can get a card by just going in and saying to the on-site doc “I have a hangnail” or whatever. So a lot of people smoke it. And if I ever god forbid needed chemo you can bet that I would probably use it again, but I really don’t like the culture. And I avoided the big party they had here on 4/20 like the plague… a bunch of icky stoners… yuck! So your BF has every right to his views and what he wants to be around just as you do. Take it or leave it.
Lindsay May 1, 2012, 8:52 pm
As Wendy said, your boyfriend has the right to ask you to stop and you have to right to say no. I get being upset that he called your beliefs “dumb” or that you might lose him over this, but the fact that he doesn’t like pot and would prefer that you stop aren’t really reasons to be angry at him. I’m not a fan of drugs and wouldn’t date anyone who did them, so I can totally see where he’s coming from. Dating someone who does something illegal runs the risk of them getting in big trouble later on or somehow you, yourself, getting into trouble. I imagine that he’s envisioning what would happen if you were fired from a job for failing a drug test or were arrested. Or whether you’d be willing to give up smoking while pregnant. Or what your kids would think.
Anyway, the point is that he’s trying to determine whether this is the right relationship for him, and you should too. If you want to keep smoking or you don’t feel accepted by your boyfriend, then maybe it’s time to end it.
MELH May 1, 2012, 9:04 pm
Everyone has given such good advice, so I would just like to say Wendy, great use of “bitch please”!
Sue Jones May 1, 2012, 9:35 pm
It just sounds like you two want different things and different lifestyles. Nobody is wrong here, but perhaps it is time to go your seperate ways.
sobriquet May 1, 2012, 10:38 pm
Nope, in my opinion the boyfriend is not okay. It’s one thing if he sat the LW down and discussed weening off the pot, because of reasons X and Y, but the ultimatum? 5 years after knowing she smoked? Nawww. He doesn’t seem to have even given the LW a chance. Oh, but she can smoke once every 2 years. Um, thanks sweetheart? He’s trying to control her, otherwise there would be no ultimatum. Ultimatums are only after every other avenue has been exhausted. He’s clearly decided that he doesn’t want his future wife to smoke pot, but what happens when he decides he wants his wife to lose 20 pounds? What happens when he decides his wife’s family is a bad influence on his children? Will he ever trust her around her sister? My guess is no.
I hate to jump on the MOA bandwagon, but it needs to be said. Leave the asshat and find someone who knows a little bit about the shady politics behind marijuana and won’t give you inane ultimatums.
Calle May 2, 2012, 12:43 am
The thing that caught me was “highly illegal”. Do you not live in the US or Canada? I know it’s pretty minor getting caught with weed in California. Do I think the boyfriend is kind of a douche? Yeah. But I also think the LW is being kind of a douche if she is doing a “highly illegal” activity that she knows bothers her boyfriend and could wreck her life. Personally, I don’t have a huge issue with pot. I live in LA, though. If I was living somewhere where I knew it was “highly illegal,” I wouldn’t smoke it and I wouldn’t want to be around someone who was smoking it. It’s also a total fallacy that pot is less harmful than alcohol, and it drives me nuts when I hear people say that. It’s less harmful if you are comparing alcoholism to smoking the occasional joint. It’s not less harmful if you are comparing smoking two joints to a glass of red wine. Unless you are 90 pounds, people are not inebriated with one glass of wine. They can drive, they can function, etc. The same can not be said about pot. There have been studies that show the beneficial side of drinking wine in moderation. The same can not be said of pot, unless you are talking about relief from pain.
Jubietta May 2, 2012, 1:36 am
Rule # 1: if you’re in a relationship with an adult, be an adult and treat them like an adult. Each person has the right to choose for themselves where their line is. Asking for a change, even if that means renegotiation of pre-existing boundaries — based on mutual respect and trust — is vital to a growing relationship.
Rule #2: if you are disappointed because you think you’re adhering to rule #1 but you have an expectation that you can make someone else change, then it’s your fault you’re disappointed. Deal with it. Get over it. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself if you think the benefits outweigh the prices.
LW, your BF has the right to ask, to give you the whole picture (including consequences you might not have understood because they weren’t communicated before), and then invite you to make up your mind after considering all angles. He does not have the right to assume he can change you. He doesn’t have the right to “take it out on you” if he’s disappointed. Treat him like an adult and hold him accountable for his choices. And while you’re at it, see if you can talk about all the possible outcomes so that when you make up your mind you can both feel like you’re getting something you need out of it…even if that means getting out completely.
java82 May 2, 2012, 8:26 am
You definitely have a right to dump him, as your values don’t seem to be in sync, but (to me, anyway) it seems that what your boyfriend once thought was something fun and trivial is now, as he’s gotten older and perhaps wants to start a family soon, as a big issue. I have a question (and this is in no way judgmental): what do you see in your future in regards to a LTR or marriage, whether with your current boyfriend or someone else?
Meaning, are you looking to get married down the line? Do you feel you’re still at a (young-ish) age where pot is fun, and will deal with cutting down when you’re older? If married and raising a family, will you still smoke pot at the same rate, or maybe treat yourself once a year? If the cops coming knocking at your door, with your child having been caught with a dime bag (as you said it’s “highly illegal”), how do you discipline without (in the kid’s eyes) coming off as a hypocrite?
These are just questions to ask yourself. Yes, your boyfriend sounds like Judgy McJudgerson but, maybe, if you are looking to settle down (together) in the near-future, your pot addiction may be something you need to revisit. Lots of people’s values change as they get older–it seems your boyfriend may have gotten to that place–but maybe it’s time to sit down and think about what you really want, and what is more important. 20 years from now, who do you hope to give you comfort after a long, hard day: a loving, supportive partner… or a joint? Abandoning pot may just be a sacrifice you need to make for the sake of love. (But don’t do it if it’ll just lead to resentment of your partner; the decision has to come from YOU.) If you feel you can’t make that decision just yet, it’s definitely a MOA moment.
Just my two cents. 🙂
demoiselle May 2, 2012, 9:52 am
Putting aside the ultimatum for the moment, perhaps the compromise of every two years was offered because the bf is really concerned about her pot use (how often does she take a “holiday”? does she take sick days to have a three-day weekend and smoke pot? Is every national holiday an excuse to smoke pot). Perhaps he thinks if he could get her not to use it for two years, it would lose its appeal.
Certainly, giving an ultimatum is going all in. Obviously he feels strongly about it. And she now has to make her choice. In a country where its illegal to have pot, and considering that either one of them could have a job where drug possession/use/charges for those things could damage their career, I can’t say I think that it is necessarily an unreasonable ultimatum. Core values matching is one of the main things that make a relationship work long-term.
ertdfg May 2, 2012, 1:47 pm
Yeah… I’m having some issues with this one.
“I only do it when I’m on holiday”
So rarely, maybe a couple times a years tops?
” he would get a little annoyed if he called me and I was under the influence”
But that couldn’t happen often, right?
“My sister and I do it together all the time, and it’s really fun for us.”
ALL THE TIME… on holiday?
“when I smoke pot, I am highly functioning and don’t just sit around”
But you’re on holiday; not at home, not at work… on holiday only right? So very rarely really…
“f I hang out with an old friend or my sister and I want to do it because I enjoy it”
But only on holiday? Or anytime you’re hanging out with old friends or your sister now (which you guys do all the time)? This only happens on holiday… right?
Sorry… I’m thinking the “all the time” has a better chance of being an accurate representation of her drug use than “only on holiday” given the rest of the story. And if she’s high “all the time” then yes, it could be the sort of thing that bugs him to the point where it’s a problem he’s willing to make an ultimatum about.
And as it’s illegal where you are; it could very well be he’s simply not willing to be married and wondering every day if today is the day his wife is arrested. Having a short-term dating girlfriend arrested? Unpleasant, but livable. Having your wife arrested and yourself investigated to a fare-thee-well? Yeah, that could be intolerable.
steven May 2, 2012, 2:37 pm
Pot is a drug, in this case, an illicit drug. He loves the sober you, not the “buzzed” you. Having ben stoned himself, it is not a matter of perception, he knows the actual difference. He is making you chose: Sobriety with him, or getting high without him. While no one can make that choice for you, if you choose getting high, then maybe you we’re all that in love with him to begin with? I have never observed a long lasting relationship that didn’t involve at least some sacrifice on the part of both partners.
Shrikeangel May 2, 2012, 3:12 pm
“I don’t do it much because I live in a country where it is highly illegal.”
“I only do it when I’m on holiday.”
“Now, please bear in mind that my family is totally cool with me doing it once in a while. My sister and I do it together all the time.”
“When I smoke pot, I am highly functioning and don’t just sit around.”
“I would do it far less if it bothered him.”
“I told him that I hardly do it now .”
“I hang out with an old friend or my sister and I want to do it because I enjoy it.’
If the subject were alcohol instead of pot, everyone would say LW is an alcoholic in denial. A lot more is going on here than LW admits.
bittergaymark May 19, 2012, 12:37 am
Actually, everybody DOES say that type of stuff about alcohol and nobody bats an eye…
Cali_Sux May 2, 2012, 3:38 pm
She is with the wrong guy. If she is cute, nice and a Libertarian/Conservative then Im her man… Partake away.
Half Sigma May 2, 2012, 3:24 pm
Smoking pot in a country where it’s “highly illegal” is just plain stupid, regardless of whether a lot of other people do it, or whether it’s not as bad for your health as legal vices. In the United States, if you are careful it’s pretty unlikely you will get caught, but if you do get caught, the collateral consequences of getting caught can ruin your career (because every employer will do a background check and find the drug conviction), rack up high legal fees, etc. It’s understandable if someone doesn’t want to marry that risk.
R.C. May 3, 2012, 12:27 am
It looks to me as if the guy’s values changed over time…but there’s another way to look at it. It may be that he started facing up to his increasing age and the seriousness of the question: Who’ll be the mother of his kids?
“You date flash, but you marry substance” is the old standby motto. There are variations. But if you’re a guy, there’s a difference between the kind of woman you’re willing to date, and the kind of woman you’re willing to have raise your children. Lots of guys date women who’re various combinations of hot, interesting, fun, and so on…but who aren’t great mother material. They do this because they aren’t thinking about kids.
But then the guy gets older and has more income and he says to himself, “Huh. I kinda always thought I’d be giving my son a Tonka truck by now.” Then he looks at the girl he’s dating and muses. Comparisons to his notion of what a good mom is like inevitably arise: Does this girl have the maturity to realize when the kid is sick enough that he should be taken to the doctor (or the hospital) if he should happen to be away on a trip or something? Would she flake out in some way?
In the context of that evaluation, a girl who once smoked pot is no biggie. There’s a reason the term “youthful indiscretions” is a cliche.
But a girl who’s well out of college should be past that. She should be made of solid enough stuff that the guy feels confident having her on his team. He shouldn’t be worried that, when life gets tough, he’ll never know whether she’s the ally who’ll help him work through it, or the unpredictable variable who’ll complicate things further.
That stuff doesn’t matter so much when you’re only dating. But who the mother (or father) of your kids is, MATTERS.
So it may not be that the guy’s “values changed” so much as his own awareness of what he’s looking for at this stage in his life. He’s grown up a bit over five years and wants to get beyond kid stuff. If a guy wants to have kids, he’s thinking ahead. He wants, when he’s eighty, to have well-adjusted grandkids and no regrets.
A girl who can’t decide between him and smoking pot? Sounds like a recipe for regrets. Better to ditch the flash and go find some substance.
Bob Dole July 29, 2012, 4:22 am
Lemme put this in caps so my posts can be discerned from the other 10,000 responses – IF YOU THINK THE ISSUE HERE IS WITH THIS WOMAN’S “DRUG ADDICTION” AND NOT HER BOYFRIEND / POSSIBLE SUITOR’S SEVERELY ASININE COMMENTS & BEHAVIOR THEN YOU DESERVE TO GET HIT BY A TRAIN. GO RALLY FOR ROMNEY OR FIREBOMB AN ABORTION CLINIC. YOU’RE MOST LIKELY STUPID ENOUGH, AND YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT BUSH COULD SAVE US FROM THE WMDs. Lady, lose the zero and get with a hero. There are plenty of men like me that are thoughtful, open, good looking, well endowed and make at least 100k a year. Not only that but I LOVE GANJA! Whee~~~
been there August 25, 2013, 12:26 am
My boyfriend and me argued abt it constantly and even yhough he never smoked around me he wld be very different person whrn he smoked and he didn’t care abt me as much and his eyes look dazed and the way he walked and soon he started to have his own life without me and broke up.
He is married for three years..I still love him but I’m glad I’m not married to him..values matter to me and to him its no big deal..I was in exactly ur boyfriends situation..I kept giving ultimatum to stop anf he left and I found out he loved pot more than me.
I don’t regret we broke up coz we wld be still fighting over it.
Best move on..prob he’s also looking for reasons to quit as well and pot is not all.
You shld compromise on things u can but if its goibg to change who u r by quitting. .leave him
It hurt me he left but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with his habit and be part of his life