New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Lately, we have been spending lots of time at the casino. I never would think of going to the casino as fun or date-worthy, but, in an effort to get to know Jack (in his comfort zone), I have gone to the casinos with him quite a bit. He also goes by himself when I can’t make it. He actually goes almost daily unless he has to work, has to go to a meeting, or has an obligation that he can’t miss. We go to the casino to avoid being in public while his divorce is pending.
Recently (last month), we slept together for the first time. I had been holding out but finally gave in. Last week we had a hot night of passion (our second time) leading up to Sunday, aka “Valentine’s Day.” He asked me more than once, “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?” I was pleasantly surprised that he cared. We were newly dating, so I thought I better not ask for anything ridiculously lavish and that it should be something we both could enjoy. So, I asked for a specific type of flower and lingerie. A couple of days later (this is still pre-Valentine’s Day), we discussed my size. Then when we slept together last week, he said he was having a hard time finding the lingerie. I said, “I have faith in you.”
Well, as you’ve probably guessed, on Valentine’s Day I got no flowers, no lingerie, not even a card. We ended up going to the casino (I even wore a pretty red dress) and had a steak dinner that he was able to comp. I was nice the entire six-plus hours we were there, even after telling him I was ready to go (it was after 10PM on Valentine’s night). On the way home, I told him that I was upset and he said that I was “beating a dead horse.” When we got to my car, I pulled out the Valentine’s Day card that I had bought him, slid it over to him, got out, and ran to my car. I was so disappointed.
I don’t know what to do. He texted and called me the next day. I texted back once, but now I have his number blocked. I am upset because of his lack of effort on Valentine’s Day after bringing it up to me several times and because of my seemingly bad judge of character in a man/partner. Please help me. — Bad Judge of Character
It’s interesting that it would be Jack’s lack of effort in buying you lingerie that finally broke the camel’s back and not, say, that he gambles every day, that he doesn’t take you out on real dates, and the little fact that he’s still married and wants to hide you away while his “divorce is pending.” It’s too bad that, as a grown woman, and a mother, and someone who has been married once before, you would need something as silly as Valentine’s Day to help you judge Jack’s character and intention. But, now you know. The guy’s a joker, he doesn’t care about you, there’s no future there. That’s the bad news. The good news is there are other men! And, luckily, this one was already married so you didn’t get yourself tied up to him legally and it should be very easy to MOA.
Now, going forward, since you say you’re a bad judge of character, I want you to refer back to this little list I’m going to share with you to help you quickly determine whether someone isn’t worth pursuing. Here we go:
A Few Signs He Isn’t Worth Pursuing*
1. He doesn’t want to be seen in public with you.
2. He has a clear and unhealthy addiction that affects his emotional and physical availability (to gambling, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.).
3. He won’t tell you where he lives/you’ve never seen his place.
4. He won’t introduce you to anyone important in his life (friends, family, close colleagues, etc.).
5. He’s mean to your kids, family, friends, or pets.
6. He’s mean to you.
7. It’s been more than a handful of dates and he hasn’t kissed you yet.
8. He only calls or texts late at night.
9. He calls his exes nasty names and blames everything on them.
10. He has called you nasty names.
11. He has hit you or has touched you in an aggressive, unwelcome way.
12. He has kids, but he doesn’t have a relationship with them.
13. He promises you things but doesn’t deliver.
14. He borrows money all the time.
15. He pays you to play tennis with him.
16. He nags you to lose weight or criticizes your appearance.
17. He takes photos of you in a sexual way while you’re asleep/ without your consent.
18. He tried to have sex with you while you were asleep.
19. He makes you sleep on a yoga mat while he takes the bed.
20. He told his co-workers that you’re his hooker.
*This is not an exhaustive list!
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.