His children do not want me at their events; they only want their mom and dad. He tells me that one day I will go to their weddings and things will be better, but for now this is what it is. The ex has no boyfriend and, if she did, he would also not be welcome at events.
Am I wrong to feel left out? When I try talking to my boyfriend, he says things will change and to give it time. I am trying very hard to have patience. He tells me that eventually we will get married but money is an issue right now. They used to do family nights once a month up until a few years ago; he says he wanted the kids to grow up more normal and to have a good relationship with his ex without all the fighting that goes along in some relationships of divorced parents. I know I am not his kids’ mom nor have I ever acted like that; I have always acted like a friend when I have seen them. They tell everyone else in the family they like me so I do not think my exclusion is personal and I try not to take it personally. He tells me that if his ex-wife ever got sick, he would be there for her and I could live with that. He is even talking being buried all together one day because he says she now has no one and he feels sorry for her. I have asked him if he ever thought about going back to her, but he says his happiness is not there although she is a great mom to his kids and he never wants his kids to think Dad treated Mom badly. I sometimes worry about the future. — Feeling Left Out
You say the “children” (who aren’t really children anymore, but whatever) don’t want you at their events, and you need to respect that. But what you don’t have to tolerate is the fostering of this alienation by your boyfriend of six years. If, after all this time, he’s barely even giving you lip service, telling you “eventually” you’ll get married and things will be different, with actions that say something quite different, the sad truth is that he has no interest in anything changing. This situation works for him. He gets the family unit he desires with his ex-wife and kids without the baggage of being married. And he gets companionship and intimacy with you without the baggage of integrating you into his life and family. It is win-win for him and he’s not going to change that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even making up that part about his kids not wanting you at their events. At the least, I bet he and his ex convince them not to want anything to be different because everything is already working so well for all of them.
Honestly, if you ever hope for more out of a relationship, I’d get out of the one you’re in. You’re dating a man who has no intention of marrying you and who is explicitly telling you that, when he dies, he wants to be buried next to his ex-wife. He is literally alienating you not just from his present and his future, but from his death, too. That’s intense.
It’s admirable when a divorced couple strives for some unity for the benefit of their kids, but what you’ve described here goes well beyond this. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you and he’s using his family as an excuse. He’s using his children to justify disrespecting you and lying to you. MOA, and find someone who is emotionally and physically available to you in a way this man isn’t.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]wendy.com.