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I don’t want to make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do, but I feel like there needs to be a good reason to do something like this. I don’t think there is an issue of his losing interest or attraction, but I can’t understand why he would want to do this and not be able to explain why. When we were talking about it, he said two things that didn’t sit well with me. He said not kissing isn’t something he wants us to openly talk about with our friends. When I mentioned the time difference between us now and our being engaged versus us now and our being married, he said “Oh, I’d be okay with kissing after we’re engaged” which, at least to me, defeats the purpose of waiting.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation. I love him and I’d do anything for him. But I feel like there should be a good reason for such a big change in our relationship. I’d love to hear a detached, objective opinion about all of this. Thank you! — No Kissing and Telling
My opinion is that he’s probably gay and this “no kissing anymore for a few years” rule is buying him some time and helping him to set a precedent for what intimacy will be like with him should you two actually get married. As a devout Christian, he may not feel like he can be open about his sexuality. He may not even be open about it to himself. But unless he can give you a good reason why he suddenly doesn’t want to kiss you for several years — and he has yet to do so — I would assume he’s probably not interested in kissing women, period. Regardless, even if that isn’t the issue, I would not recommend staying in a relationship with someone who wants to impose restrictions on a relationship that you don’t want and that he can’t even explain.
I am watching my wife destroy her health with food. Just like one would with cigarettes or alcohol. In 2018 it seems like everybody is supposed to turn a blind eye to this self-destructive food-based behavior and say nothing. I’m not afraid of speaking up. But do you think it’s abusive to calmly ask your spouse if she or he should take it easy on the food? I’m completely out of ideas for helping her, and, yes, she is rapidly gaining a large amount of weight. Please let me know if I should actually just ignore this, or if I have an obligation to help her. Thanks. — Concerned for Wife
Of course it’s not abusive to express concern for a spouse’s overeating and health. But you should probably do it when your wife isn’t about to sit down to a meal. Choose a time when you’re both calm and comfortable, when food isn’t immediately in the picture. Maybe in bed at the end of the day. Tell her calmly that you are concerned about her health and worried what her recent increase in eating might be a symptom of. Is she depressed? Is she anxious? Stressed out? Would she consider seeing a doctor and having some tests run? Would she consider seeing a therapist and talking about what might be bothering her? Remind her how much you love her, how attracted you’ve always been to her, and how this isn’t about policing her eating but about making sure she’s taking care of herself so that she will be healthy for a long time and you can enjoy many, many more happy years of marriage together.
I think your analogy to cigarettes and alcohol is a good one. If you were married to someone who was an alcoholic, do you think telling her to “take it easy on the booze” would have much impact? I mean, do you really think that’s all it would take for an alcoholic to stop drinking or to cut back on drinking? Of course not. There are doctors to consult, counselors to work with, multiple treatment programs that aim to help an alcoholic stop drinking and to support his or her family through the process. In many ways, overeating is a harder addiction to kick because you can’t stop eating. You have to have food to survive. So, simply saying “Hey, go easy on that pizza” is not going to have the effect you want it to have. You have to approach your wife with love and concern and tell her you’re in this together — that you are committed to helping her find the support and treatment she needs to be healthy.
I think I should also mention that he is somewhat of a sex-addict. This makes me feel self-conscious that he is constantly thinking of sex but isn’t turned on by me, even when sleeping in the same bed… I don’t want to lose him as a friend and I do like the bond we share and what we have together, but I am constantly thinking about how much I love him and want to be with him. I even started working out at the gym, thinking that maybe my recent weight gain is the problem. I know he *loves* me, but he isn’t *attracted* to me. I’m afraid that if one of us starts dating someone else, our friendship will take a hit, since we are super close and I’m sure that any significant other wouldn’t appreciate our relationship at all. I really can’t see myself with anyone else… I’m not sure what to do.. Help! — Not His Type?
It’s been five years; your friend is never, ever, ever going to come around and fall in love with you. If it were going to happen, it would have happened by now. Going to the gym, losing weight, and “bettering yourself,” whatever the fuck that means, is not going to change anything. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself about why a man who would spend every waking hour with you, sleep in the same bed as you, eat meals with you every day, and do with you everything a member of a couple would, is not at all physically intimate with you. It doesn’t add up. He’s either lying about being a sex addict or he’s not interested in women. There really is no other option. A sex addict is not going to spend as much time with you as he does and NOT try to have sex with you. If he’s such a sex addict, how does he even have all this time to spend with you in the first place? Wouldn’t he be off having sex with someone else? It doesn’t make sense.
The bottom line is that you, for whatever reason, are not his type and that isn’t going to change. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. You need some healthy distance from this guy who isn’t or can’t give you what you want. MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.