Then, in May, I dated a guy who was closer to where I lived. I was skeptical and still hurt from my ex, but this guy seemed promising. We were both open and honest about a lot of things; I even met his parents after a few weeks of talking (and they fell in love with me instantly). We dated from May until the end of July when he confessed (via a text message) that he wanted to break up with me (he has Asperger’s Syndrome and he says he couldn’t give me the love I deserved) and, so, another heartbreak started to take the form of bitterness and depression. I’m a great girlfriend, but I seem to attract guys who aren’t serious about commitment, at least with me.
In mid-September, there was a guy on Facebook (he’s 34) who reached out to me about a comment I made on a post, saying he liked my style. He even sent me a friend request, mentioning he’s an artist, and he showed me some of his work. After a while, we started talking about art, video games (even playing a lot together), our lives, and that we have a lot in common. He told that he loved my company and loves our common interests, but he’s not looking to date, only looking for friends and that he can’t do LDR again (he met his ex-wife online). I told him the feeling was mutual.
Then in October, he tells me how he felt bad because he started to really like me. Now we’re texting and calling each other, and he even calls me “babe,” “beautiful” and other similar things. It’s really sweet, but I still have shields up from the previous relationships that went south. He understands, but tells me he’ll be patient and will show me in time that he’s different.
Wendy, I do really like him, but I’ve heard that line too much this year, and I’m afraid to open up again. Your thoughts? — Terrified to Love Again
Have you met the 34-year-old guy from Facebook or have you just interacted online?
Ok, no. Just, no. Only weeks before you connected with this guy on Facebook, you report feeling bitter and depressed. You claimed to not want an LDR. The guy claimed to not want an LDR. You’ve never met each other and have no plans to meet each other for, like, seven more months. You have a bad track record with LDRs/guys you’ve met online. And yet — and YET! — you seem willing — eager, even — to see where this relationship goes? I’ll tell you where it goes: it goes nowhere. It goes nowhere because neither of you actually wants a real relationship. You seem content with online flirting and so does he. You’ve both said as much to each other.
You want to know why you keep ending up with these guys who don’t want a commitment? Because you keep giving them your time! Even despite their telling you point-blank they don’t want a relationship, you still give them your time and attention and then wonder why things don’t work out. And, honestly, it seems like maybe it’s not just the guys who don’t want commitments. I think maybe you don’t really want one either. Why else do you keep pursuing guys who don’t live near you? Why else are you still on the prowl when you say yourself that you’re bitter, depressed, and skeptical? Does that seem like someone who is open to a happy and committed relationship? Or does it sound like someone who’s sabotaging herself before even getting out of the gate?
Listen, take some time off. Maybe delete your social media accounts and spend more time offline. Be single for a while. It’s really not that bad. Clean your dating palate before you set out to date again. How will you know when you’re dating palate is clean? When you no longer feel skeptical and depressed and bitter. Until then, focus your energy elsewhere, cause ain’t nothing good grows on the foundation of depression and bitterness. At least, not when it comes to relationships.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.