A couple months ago my boyfriend got into some more trouble and is now being held in jail until court. I was aware that he had some involvement in illegal activities, but he didn’t want me to know much so I wouldn’t get in trouble. It looks like he’s going to be in jail for a couple years if convicted, and I don’t know if I should wait for him. He says he loves me, and I am sure that I love him. We were even talking about getting engaged. A lot of what he did was because he has a drug addiction that he finally admitted to. He says he wants to go to rehab and get help and that he wants to change so we can be a happy family again. I want to believe him, but I don’t know if that would be false hope. And I want to be there to help support him become clean because I’ve heard that if you don’t have a good support team, you likely fail and I don’t want to be the reason he would fail.
We talk on the phone throughout the week and I get to have two 25-minute visits each week (which isn’t in person — it’s on camera). Do I wait for him and let him go to rehab to try to prove himself since it was a drug that was getting him to do what he was doing? Or do I just let everything go because of a few mistakes he made? I love him and want to be with him, but how do you know if a drug addict is telling the truth when he says he wants help or if he’s just saying what he knows I want to hear? And what do I tell my parents who don’t want me to be with him because he has drug trouble? Please help me!! — Waiting for Him
Woman, you have a four-year-old son whose father is a drug addicted criminal and who just lost the two siblings he’s lived with his whole life and you’re worried about whether your boyfriend is telling the truth about wanting to get clean? Worry less about him and focus on providing the best home possible for your kid. That means staying away from your boyfriend until he’s been clean for at least six months (outside of jail). You’re worried about him failing without your undying support? Tough. He doesn’t want it enough then if he can’t do it without your support. And he has to want it. He has to want a clean and sober life and to be a positive influence on his son bad enough to make some sacrifices for once. And if he can’t do that without your day-to-day support, he doesn’t want it enough. End of story.
And don’t fool yourself with this idea that “it was a drug” that made him commit his crimes. It wasn’t a drug. It was HIM. We are all responsible for our actions. He made the decision to take drugs and he made the decision to commit crimes. You made the decision to turn a blind eye and continue living with your son in a house with a drug addicted criminal. You need to own that. And then you need to change it. Your son deserves better than that. Step up and start making better decisions on his behalf. He needs a safe and nurturing home, so do whatever you can to provide that for him. Worry less about the grown man child sitting in jail who has screwed up his life, and worry more about not screwing up the life of your own son forever.
P.S. Be sure to read “My Life as a Prison Wife” for a detailed, realistic account of what life is like waiting for a man behind bars.
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