I’m 30 and I started dating my 36-year-old boyfriend four years ago. We lived together for a year but I eventually moved out because I decided I didn’t want to cohabitate before being fully committed to someone. So we stayed together, but I got my own apartment. For the first few years of the relationship we never talked about getting married — neither of us are eager to have children and it didn’t seem important at the time. But after about three years I brought it up and it led to some very tense, awkward conversations where I got the impression he hadn’t thought about it at all. The discussions went nowhere, and soon after I decided that in spite of all the love we had, if we couldn’t talk about a long-term future we shouldn’t be together, so I broke up with him.
A few months later I really felt as though I’d let go before trying my best and being clear about what I wanted. So I called him up and we talked and I told him that getting married and making plans for our future was important to me, and while we still had things to work out and address, if he was willing to do that work with the goal of being married I’d be willing to give it another shot. I thought I would give it six more months and see if we could make progress.
We’re at six months, and things have generally been fantastic. We’re closer than ever before and working out issues effectively, but not once in this time has he initiated a conversation about our future or mentioned getting married. When I brought this up with him he said that he sees us being married “some day,” but he hasn’t felt ready to talk about it. Should I give him more time to think it over or has he had enough of a chance? — Tired of Waiting
It’s one thing not to feel ready to get married; it’s another to not feel ready to even TALK about it — and after four years together!! And you’re in your 30s! MOA. You said you were going to give it six months and you did and he’s still not ready to talk about the future. What do you think will change in another six months, or even six years? What more can he figure out that he hasn’t already figured out in the four years you’ve been together?
Look, if what you want is to get married, this is not the guy for you. He can’t even talk about it let alone start making solid plans. Unless you want to spend the next couple years of your life waffling on this issue, you have to be strong and move on. If you do decide to stay with him, you need to accept that he does not want to get married — at least not any time in the near-ish future and you’re wasting your energy and breath even trying to talk about it with him. It would be better to just decide you’re never going to get married and try to enjoy the relationship for what it is than to push something that doesn’t want to be pushed.
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