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Unfortunately, I have noticed that I cannot get over the fact that he is way too skinny and also way too short for my liking. I dream of a future with a man with his personality, his mind, and his intellect, but in a different body. I am, however, attracted to him enough to desire and have sex with him, which confuses me. Well, I am most of the time, at least. On rare occasions, I almost feel like he is a school boy and I am a pedophile.
I cannot for the life of me figure out what to do in this situation. What should I do? — His Personality, Different Body, Please
MOA. What you’ve described isn’t love. You might love the way he makes you feel, sure, but you don’t love him. Love doesn’t care how tall someone is. Love doesn’t yearn for a different body, unless it’s to limit pain and illness or extend life. And love sure as shit never feels like a pedophile. Please break up with this guy and give him the freedom to find someone who can truly love him in the way you cannot. In time, you will mature, and whether or not you find your perfect man in the perfect package, you will hopefully learn that what someone looks like is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When your needs are met and you feel like your best self with your partner and he understands you and you enjoy each other’s company and want to make one another feel good and you laugh louder with him and feel happier with him and feel your life is more worth living with him in it — THAT’S love, and, when you find it, the way it comes packaged just doesn’t that matter. You haven’t found it yet, so let this guy go and keep looking.
I’m 21 and my boyfriend, Paul, and I started dated nine months ago. His mom hated me from the very beginning. She would convince Paul that I am cheating on him and call me horrible names. It got worse when I was raped. She didn’t believe me and told the both of us that she was raped too. I felt like she was trying to just “one up” me. She told him I was lying and called me a “manipulative spoiled brat brainwashing slut who’s just using” him. THAT is rude.
On top of that, my boyfriend always defended her. On top of THAT, my boyfriend tells her about his sex life with me and when he is masturbating. That’s none of her goddamn business if you ask me. We finally talked things through and she grew to “like” me again. But every time I was around them both she would be all over him — flirting, touching, giggling, you name it. I didn’t mind that too much, but she really hypes it up around me.
I asked him when his birthday is and she told him not to tell me because I’d steal his identity. Ohhkay, then. She got high off his his seizure pills claiming she thought they were “her” prescription pills (my ass) to get his attention. I confronted him about that and he just told me that he had already gotten high with his mom before. He defended it by saying she had lupus and was too embarrassed to ask the doctor for a weed prescription for the pain, so he got his drug dealer to make them cookies. I told him that’s unfit of a parent to do and just weird. In pain? Go to a goddamn doctor bot not your son’s drug dealer. She also takes way more than the prescribed amount of codeine and acts all high so people — especially my boyfriend — will feel bad for her.
Every time I tell my boyfriend how I feel about her he tells me that I’m being immature for judging his mother and that he doesn’t appreciate me disrespecting her. We had a huge argument about it and I did not give up. I am right, after all!! Finally, he confronted his mother and he feels awful for having been so blind. But I still hate his mom and I feel almost jealous of her, for he loves her, too. What on earth do I do?!?! I want him to hate her! — Jealous of His Mom
Honestly, you sound just about as nuts as the mother, and, similar to the first letter today, I don’t sense any real love here in your relationship. Love doesn’t want hate between a mother and son. That’s just insane. You obviously can’t handle their (admittedly strange) relationship. Fine. Rather than try to break it up or turn your boyfriend against his mother, perhaps you should: 1) work on understanding the mom and forming a better relationship with her yourself so she doesn’t feel such a strong need to defend herself against you; 2) MOA, and find a guy who doesn’t have such a complicated mother and bizarre and complicated relationship with his mother. Really, if you’re having as many issues as you’ve described after only nine months together, you should probably just cut your losses and move on. You’re 21 — why waste your precious youth feeling so out of your mind over a guy who clearly has no boundaries with his overbearing mother?
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something random March 26, 2015, 8:14 am
LW1 Do him a favor and move on.
LW2 Good God. Run for the hills!
Juliecatharine March 26, 2015, 8:16 am
Jeez Louise LW2, WWS. This level of drama after 9 months is a deal breaker. MOA and think about why on earth you would engage (and contribute to) such a total cluster. Also, you throw out a rape as merely an example of your boyfriend’s mother being a nutbag…I gotta say that throws up some red flags for me. Have you dealt with what happened? I wonder if it’s contributing to your desire to cling to a relationship that clearly has major issues. Wanting the security of what’s familiar is totally understandable but it’s not going to lead anywhere good in this case.
Stonegypsy March 26, 2015, 10:39 am
That is a really excellent point – it would make sense that she’s clinging to this relationship as an alternative to coping with the rape.
Lianne March 26, 2015, 8:25 am
What the actual fuck? This is just way too much before my coffee is finished. LW1, your relationship sounds awesome compared to LW2, so don’t read LW2’s story. Just MOA.
LW2 – don’t walk, RUN away from this codependent mother/son duo. This situation will not end well. I can’t believe you’ve hung around this long, to be honest.
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 8:37 am
LW1, Wendy’s right that you should MOA. I had a similar situation with a guy I dated in university. I didn’t like his chest, it kind of “sank” in at the breastbone, and it really bothered me for some reason. Well, my husband has that exact same chest, and I couldn’t care less. I don’t think it’s about maturity necessarily, and I don’t think it’s shallow to not like certain physical attributes. After all, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, and you can’t change that. But if that overrides the things that you ARE attracted to, then it’s a sign that this guy isn’t for you. By the time I broke up with the university boyfriend, I disliked his mouth, his legs, the way he slouched when he stood, his laugh, etc. Lol. All things that I didn’t mind (or didn’t even notice!) in the beginning. As the relationship worked less and less, my non-attraction to all these things increased. I doubt very much if it’s going to decrease for you if it’s already bugging you this much. So you might as well make the break now and find someone who you’re completely attracted to.
LW2, congratulations, you’re the first one to actually make me say this: I can’t even.
Lyra March 26, 2015, 11:13 am
My brother has that same thing, and actually had surgery and wore a brace for a few months in high school to raise his sternum The brace basically held onto a wire that raised th sternum farther away from vital organs. It’s called pectus excavatum.
othy March 26, 2015, 11:46 am
My SIL is a surgical tech, and has actually been in the operating room for a few of those surgeries. She says it’s the strangest thing, because when they ‘pop’ it out, it actually makes a very audible noise, and then it looks perfectly normal as soon as they pop it. Of course, the kids wear a brace to protect it while it’s healing. Just cool to learn about!
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 12:01 pm
Wow! I never knew about that! Neither the guy I dated or my husband have it so badly that surgery would make sense. I just googled it and some of the images are pretty severe. The ones I’ve seen are well within the “normal” range for a male chest.
I also dated a guy once whose ribs turned out slightly at the ends of the bones. You could see them as bumps down the front of his chest. Didn’t bug me at all, but that’s because I was totally into that guy. And that guy was right after the university sunken-chest guy, so it definitely wasn’t because I was more mature. 🙂
Lyra March 26, 2015, 6:50 pm
Yeah, it was actually more of a preventative measure to make sure he had plenty of space in his chest for vital organs since he was still growing at the time. When he woke up they did a test of his lung capacity on this cool little doodad that measures how much air your lungs are taking in. “Normal” is like 2 liters, and they would have been happy with 1 liter right after surgery, but he tested at 4 liters, the highest it could go haha. They credited the fact that he played alto saxophone for his crazy lung capacity. 🙂
TaraMonster March 26, 2015, 11:13 am
I can relate to what you went through with your Uni bf, and I’d guess that’s a pretty universal experience. It’s not only limited to looks, either. I think in some relationships, when it’s clear things are going down the tubes, all the minor stuff that you shrugged off at the beginning becomes majorly annoying. My most recent ex was CONSTANTLY singing, whistling (badly), pacing, shaking his leg, and cracking his joints- even his knees. We’d be lying in beg and he’d kick his leg straight up in the air out of nowhere to pop it. He’d repeat this all evening. Used to scare the crap out of me. I’m pretty sure he didn’t do that stuff so much when we were first dating, but even so, by the end every tiny little thing he did made it so I could hardly stand him anymore. Or maybe I’m just easily annoyed! That’s also a possibility!
Diablo March 26, 2015, 8:49 am
Wendy, do you think you’re being just a tad disingenuous when you say love doesn’t do this, love doesn’t do that? I think you mean sensible self-aware grownups don’t do those things. Your site proves that LOVE does it all. It reduces the best of us to the level of 14 year olds drunk on daddy’s beer. Love is a stalker who dots his I’s with hearts. Love fixates on whomever it pleases, destroying jobs, marriages, families, even nations in some cases. Love hold grudges that last a lifetime. Love acts out of revenge, spite, jealousy and self-loathing. It clings and cries and bites and wears altogether too much makeup. It blots out the light of the sun. Love is a rabid wolverine made out of cotton candy and moldy cheese. So don’t let me hear you being reductive about love anymore. Just kidding/ranting. I’ve been working too hard, and my lover is out of town for 3 days. Carry on.
Stonegypsy March 26, 2015, 9:00 am
They should start reading your comment at weddings instead of that Corinthians passage.
Stonegypsy March 26, 2015, 10:51 am
Seriously, though. I can’t get over this. “Love is a rabid wolverine made out of cotton candy and moldy cheese. ” might be the greatest sentence ever written.
Diablo March 26, 2015, 11:02 am
Thanks, you are too kind. I suspect there just might be one or two better sentences out there somewhere.
Stonegypsy March 26, 2015, 11:55 am
That’s fair. I’m told that I tend to be somewhat hyperbolic (except when I’m referencing my own tendency to hyperbolize).
Raccoon eyes March 26, 2015, 9:14 am
Hmmm…New DWism: If it feels like pedophilia, it isnt love! hehe
Anna March 26, 2015, 9:25 am
I agree about the first letter not being true love but I don’t think that having certain physical preferences in a partner is an indication of immaturity or something that people “grow out of.” I’ve always been wildly attracted to tall men who are a little on the chunky side. If I met someone who was “perfect ” personality-wise but was really short and/or skinny, it would be a problem for me because I would struggle to have some kind of physical attraction to them. It’s probably because I’m a curvy girl and I like feeling like a man can physically dominate me when I want him to. I’m never going to feel that way if his waist is as big around as one of my thighs. I’m pretty sure that’s just primal sexual attraction and not something that should be shamed or called immature.
muchachaenlaventana March 26, 2015, 11:37 am
but the thing is, if you really like someone and are super in to them- this won’t matter. Honestly I used to swear up and down the one thing I could *never* do was date a guy who was bald or would be bald. My whole family all the men have glorious heads of hair and baldness is just gross to me. Well enter current boyfriend, who will definitely be bald and is balding and I could not care less. I love him so much it doesn’t matter. Even in the beginning when I was like eh this should be a deal-breaker but its really not.
Portia March 26, 2015, 11:40 am
Right, but it’s possible to be attracted to someone who isn’t your type, and at the same time it’s possible to not be attracted to someone who is your type. Maybe it’s just me, but I definitely have a type and it doesn’t 100% determine who I’m attracted to.
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 12:06 pm
Yeah, I don’t like blue eyes generally, but my husband is blue-eyed. It seems like whatever mechanism controls our attraction uses our “type” as a rough guideline, but is also fine with throwing it out the window sometimes. 🙂
othy March 26, 2015, 11:48 am
I had a friend who for years only dated really short women. Which was funny because he was really tall. Then he met his now-wife, who is about 5’9. His attraction to short women went right out the window!
TaraMonster March 26, 2015, 10:12 am
The crazy is strong in these letters.
judge sheryl March 26, 2015, 10:35 am
I actually think the advice for LW1 is a little harsh. She is a bit shallow, but recognizes it, and doesn’t seem to indicate that she expects her boyfriend to change these unchangeable things. She is looking for a way to get over it! I can’t believe none of you who have been in love have never though, man I really wish my hubby had a 6-pack.. Man that would be hot! Maybe Lw 1 is a little more extrem, but I think the pedofile comment is being overblown. She is 20, and at 20 people are usually a little more shallow.
I think the LW should focus on good qualities, and if she really is happy (as it seems Like she is), forgive herself for being a little shallow for wishing her bf was a little different in the looks department. If she does start to develop true resentment (like, ‘I should really be with someone hotter’), then I think she should moa and let him go. But if this is just guilt for feeling a little shallow, I think we have all been there, and she shouldn’t feel bad about that.
Lw2- wws. Situation sounds nuts all around.
something random March 26, 2015, 11:12 am
If I made a boyfriend feel like a pedophile and they characterized their attraction as “enough” to be able to have sex with me, when I was at the prime of my life in my early 20’s, I’d want them to break up with me.
jlyfsh March 26, 2015, 11:18 am
I don’t think I’ve ever though hmm I wish my husband looked like x. I’m attracted to him like he is. If she’s not attracted to him physically she should leave so they can both find people they are attracted to and are attracted to them. People can’t help who they are and aren’t attracted to but why stay if you’re not physically attracted to them? Especially at such a young age?
judge sheryl March 26, 2015, 11:30 am
Well, consider yourself lucky then.
As a very tall woman, I can understand still being attracted to someone, but at the same time feeling insecure because someone was shorter than me, and wish he was taller. Even if he was perfect in every other way, I’d still wish he was taller and it would be hard for me to get over. That is shallow of me, and I know that, and I’d want to try to get over it. You can also love someone with flaws… Even if the flaws are against your own shallow standards.
something random March 26, 2015, 11:47 am
I’m really tall. I was lucky enough to find someone who absolutely loved my “killer legs”. I’m taller than my husband if I wear high heels. Some days I’m okay with it and other days I wish I felt more petite in heels. But I’ve never wished my husband had a different body. (Maybe I wish his body was healthier sometimes).
Nor do I have any guilt from getting turned on myJoe Manganiello or the Property Brothers. Having a healthy admiration for a six pack doesn’t negate my strong attraction towards my husband.
I think if this letter writer were saying things like “I feel so fat when I’m with him” I would see it more of an issue of insecurity.
But I think even if she is attracted enough, she isn’t head over heels for her boyfriend. If she isn’t feeling it this early on, it isn’t going to happen. Why settle so young?
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 11:56 am
The Property Brothers’ eyes are too close together. It’s a thing I have. 🙂
something random March 26, 2015, 11:58 am
It’s not their eyes I’m staring at.
something random March 26, 2015, 11:59 am
I’m more attracted to Drew’s face (looks better in a suit). But I love watching Jonathan work.
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 12:04 pm
Hahahaha. I also dislike the pattern of their facial hair, and I think their faces are too skinny. They look like cartoons. Clearly I’m not in love with them! 🙂 But I do love their show!
something random March 26, 2015, 12:07 pm
I actually didn’t start off attracted to either one of them. I agree their faces and animations can be a little cheesy. But when I saw what they could do to a house…. Swoon.
RedroverRedrover March 26, 2015, 12:12 pm
Portia March 26, 2015, 11:31 am
Agreed. When I started dating Bassanio, I had some acquaintances say something about how they weren’t attached to him. My response was something like, Good because I think he’s the hottest thing on two legs! Why would you go through your whole relationship wishing the person were with was different/better?
Portia March 26, 2015, 11:32 am
*attracted, not attached.
TaraMonster March 26, 2015, 11:32 am
I’m actually half with you on this. I think we are being a tad harsh on LW1, but I also don’t think her shallowness is something she really needs to forgive herself for. I think her problem is that she thinks she’s a bad person for not being satisfied with his personality alone, and I just don’t agree with that. Attraction is important. She’s only 20; she has plenty of time to meet men who tick most or all of her boxes. She might even find that there’s a guy out there whose personality she likes even more, and who she’s also extremely attracted to. IMO, attraction can’t be forced. It can grow, but if it hasn’t grown by now I think that’s a pretty big sign that she should MOA.
And last, but no less important a point, is what something random is saying: how shitty would you feel if you knew that the person you loved had all these weird hangups about your looks? I have only been in one relationship where I suspected this was going on with my boyfriend and let me tell you, it eroded my self esteem and I’ve never, ever felt that way in a relationship. On the flip side, I tried to force attraction with my HS into college boyfriend and that did not end well AT ALL.
I think what we have here is a classic case of applying the law of Fuck Yes. If LW is not saying “Fuck Yes” about being with her bf, then it’s time to own that and MOA. (“Fuck Yes or No” is always a good read: https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)
jlyfsh March 26, 2015, 11:38 am
Yeah I don’t think she’s a bad person for not being attracted to him. But, I don’t think she should force this because of your second paragraph. If I knew someone was with me and was ‘attracted enough’ to have sex with me, it would definitely make me feel crappy. I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me in that case. And why force yourself if you’re the one not attracted to the person to stay either. Feelings of love and the person being a good person aren’t enough to make a good relationship, you have to be attracted to them.
Lyra March 26, 2015, 7:09 pm
If you look at her forum that she wrote last night, she updated it ), indicating that she wasn’t completely honest and that she was realizing that she wasn’t as completely head-over-heels in love with him as she had once thought. For that reason I say move on because the poor guy doesn’t deserve this.
something random March 26, 2015, 10:28 pm
Thanks for the recap. I’m feeling ridiculously peacock proud that I called it. (You know, after Wendy and everyone else did).
MsMisery March 26, 2015, 12:19 pm
LW1, it’s fine if you’re not attracted to certain aspects of him. We cannot control what turns us on or what we like in others. Just…. don’t say any of this out loud, especially to him. It would probably be a crushing blow to his ego, esp since they are things he can’t even change. But imagine if a guy were to say “I loved everything about her, but her hair was too curly and her boobs were too small”? He’d. Be. Crucified. So, yeah. It’s probably indicative of the relationship not being truly right anyway. Seek out the things in him you dig in people you think are attractive.
MsMisery March 26, 2015, 12:21 pm
I don’t think LW2 is “nuts” (definitely not as nuts as the mother). Maybe nuts for sticking around, putting up with this behavior, and trying to change it/interfere with it, but otherwise, she just sounds like a person in a relationship dealing with family dramz… dramz that happen to be a little more off the chart than usual. There is nothing worth saving here. Collect your belongings and remaining humanity and GTFO.
crazyayeaye March 26, 2015, 12:50 pm
LW2, there can be a link between lupus and psychosis….sounds like there may be some of this going on with his mom. http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=21147 Either way, a pretty fucked up situation, WWS.
Diablo March 26, 2015, 2:54 pm
He’s bitter, he’s gay
But he seems to have gone away
He usually has something to say
But apparently not today
Why oh why, as I shudder and cry, do my eyes not spy a sharp reply
As I sit in the dark with no words to mark, no sneer and no snark from our ol’ pal bittergaymark?
Dear Wendy March 26, 2015, 3:16 pm
Just Max March 26, 2015, 3:20 pm
Looove this. 🙂
othy March 26, 2015, 6:24 pm
Please never go away, mostly because none of us could write as awesome of a poem.
Diablo March 27, 2015, 8:44 am
I know for a fact that there are other lapsed english majors on DW. So I declare a poem war. It’s on!
othy March 27, 2015, 10:53 am
Sadly, my English major husband hates poetry, so I can’t use his talents for awesome.
Addie Pray March 27, 2015, 6:08 am
That was the best!
something random March 26, 2015, 10:35 pm
BGM- If you let us know you’re around, I’ll sleep better. Watch ya say?
bittergaymark March 27, 2015, 12:05 am
I am on vacation in Arizona. So I am far too busy buying vintage turquoise keychains in Scottsdale to comment on fools like these two whacked out letter writers…
Nice poem though, Diablo. All that was missing was a reference to Madonna. Such as…
Is he off somewhere getting high on marijuana?
Or simply too busy listening to new Madonna?
Hearing from him would be just super.
Perhaps he’s finally absconded with Bradley Cooper?
Diablo March 27, 2015, 8:39 am
His devotion to Madge he wears like a badge
Though he’s clearly not into the vag
But he suffers so badly, his fevered mind madly
Composes terse rhymes but he can’t buy face time
With his sweetly raccoonish yet always unshaven crush Bradley.
Diablo March 27, 2015, 8:57 am
I may be ready to turn pro with this shit.
Alexandria April 15, 2017, 10:21 am
As someone who anon replies to peoples questions and concerns objectively on a regular basis, I was turned off by Wendy (?) Condescending as fuck. Pardon (or don’t) my language.
This is not someone to seek advice from. They clearly don’t know how to be constructive. The party asking questions and seeking solace in your answers is not one to blame. I felt like shit just reading “Wendy’s” answer and I wasn’t even the one asking.
Dear Submission #1,
You are not less of a good person, and you are no different from any other party (male or female) who has been put off by physical doubt . I feel your doubt is less about him and more about you as you are clearly (though you didn’t state it) comparing body ratios. And while that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things…you are entitled to love what you desire. If you want someone bigger, go for it. If you want someone more dangerous, you go girl. If you find security in masculinity, that is your prerogative.
But leave him. Be honest. And realize that its a lot harding to find what is “on the inside.”
You may not find perfect where you find strong.
But, you may. Hell, if you dead set on this guy..have an open discussion about your insecurities. Maybe you can start a workout regime. He can bulk and you can tone. I don’t know the whole of your complex situation. But I am not going to assume you are vain and vex you. Men feel this way all the time. “I love everything about her, but she could lose 15 pounds…”
And they are right. She could.
The question is, “Will you love her if she doesn’t?”
So I ask you to seek open communication and content in all relationship scenarios. You’d be surprised.