Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“His Son Saw My Text and Now I’ve Been Blocked!”

I met this wonderful guy online through a mutual friend and we immediately hit it off. We have much in common, from our family ideals to food preferences to most definitely our sexual preferences and ideals. Things were going wonderfully and we even met in person AND I met his children.

He and I had been texting and communicating every day. We established a great platonic relationship but both agreed that we wanted more. With that being said,sexting was involved with adult memes and gifs but no nudes on either end.

Last week was particularly stressful for both of us. I had sent him a meme that said something like — PG13 version for you — we needed to “eff the stress away for each other.” A few minutes later his 8-year-old son responded with “is this for my dad?” and replied with this is (blank)! I was mortified and told him to give the phone to his dad. I immediately texted and apologized profusely!

What followed was my being immediately blocked from all social media platforms that we were friends on and I also believe his phone as well! I tried to text and call but have not heard anything from him!

I understand protecting his children and respect that. However, this is something that we had been doing daily and I had no idea he would allow his son to have access to his phone. He doesn’t even allow his children to look at his social media accounts because he is always posting adult content! I’m hurt, disappointed, and upset. We actually had plans to do many things by ourselves and with the children.

What are your thoughts? — Blocked for Sexting

I think that if you have to qualify the quality of your relationship with “we even met in person,” then it’s probably not the match made in heaven that you think it is. And a father of young kids posting nonstop adult content on his social media accounts should be a huge red flag for you, as should regular sexting with a phone that — of course — his kids can see. Parents often just have their phones out – on the coffee table, on the kitchen counter, in their hands — where their kids can easily see messages that pop up, to say nothing of handing one’s phone to his or her kids to take pictures, watch a video, look up something on Google. That you had “no idea” this guy would “allow his son to have access to his phone” strikes me as naive and like someone who has very little exposure to kids. It’s normal for kids to see their parents’ phones and to often look at them for one reason or another. I’ll give you a pass for not knowing this, but the guy you were sexting? He should know better!

All this is to say: You were naive and inexperienced, but the fault here is really with the dude. He shouldn’t be so careless about the behavior he engages in that his kids could be exposed to. And blocking you is just a super lazy way of dealing with the fall-out of his kid seeing your sext, and it suggests, as does much of the rest of his behavior, that he wasn’t all that interested in you or a relationship in the first place. You were a fun, sexy distraction and that’s it. As soon as you became even the slightest bit inconvenient, he dropped you – without even so much as a discussion about it.

Consider this a bullet dodged, and in the future, if you get involved with someone who has kids, it’s a red flag if the dude engages in frequent sexts with you, wants to introduce you to the kids right away, and posts lots of adult content on his social media accounts. In fact, consider it a red flag, regardless of whether or not a guy has children, if he’s posting adult content on his social media. That’s just tacky and the sign of someone who needs to grow the fuck up.

I have a child with an ex and we are currently co-parenting. Today was visitation day for my ex. I noticed it was pouring rain and asked if he wanted me to drop him and our son off at the mall where he was going to spend time with him. I didn’t want our child to get sick. Then, when it was time to pick up my son, I asked his father if he wanted a ride part way since I was late. Also, I found it as an opportunity to discuss issues/visitation in regards to our child.

When I was driving home, I told my current boyfriend that I had dropped off my ex closer to home because I was late to pick-up, and my ex lost it. He told me I had to tell him before I did that stuff, and that I was being disrespectful and right now he didn’t know if he still wanted to be with me. Then he went on saying how I had feelings for my ex and that I still loved him when I don’t.

What I want to know is: Am I in the wrong? Was I being insensitive? I feel kind of hurt because I thought it was just being polite and co-parenting. — Just Being Polite

 
Nope, you weren’t wrong. Your boyfriend doesn’t understand or respect co-parenting. HE is the one being insensitive. Also, re-read your letter. You refer to your current boyfriend as your ex at one point (“I told my current boyfriend that I had dropped off my ex closer to home because I was late to pick-up and my ex lost it”). I think your subconscious is trying to tell you it’s time to let this man-child go. Your subconscious is right.

In the future, if someone you’re romantically involved with EVER demands you co-parent a certain way to accommodate his ego, his needs, his desire, and his jealousy, fucking RUN. That’s the sign of a controlling dickwad who will never, ever be a loving and supportive partner to you.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

11 comments… add one
  • avatar

    LisforLeslie July 1, 2019, 9:40 am

    LW#1 – are you sure he’s actually divorced?

    LW#2 – WWS – run. The manipulative statement is “I can’t see us being together if you don’t do things my way and put my needs first.” Run away now.

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    • avatar

      Poppy July 1, 2019, 11:42 am

      @lisforleslie LW1- that’s what I’m thinking too.

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      • GertietheDino

        GertietheDino July 1, 2019, 1:09 pm

        Dude is totally still married and probably has multiple social media accounts so he can post his adult stuff with impunity.

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      ele4phant July 1, 2019, 12:20 pm

      I mean, she was introduced to him through a mutual friend, hopefully they wouldn’t knowingly connect her with someone that is still very married. That one detail makes me think he’s single and available. Otherwise, I’d totally think this guy is still married.

      But maybe the friend didn’t introduce them thinking it’d be a romantic connection…

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant July 1, 2019, 1:17 pm

        Oh so I see they met online via a mutual friend, so it could’ve been him reaching out via “the people you may know” and mutual friend has no clue the creeping he’s doing.

        Still, LW could ask her friend what it’s deal is.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie July 1, 2019, 2:56 pm

        But he could totally be lying to that friend too – the friend could be an online/virtual friend, a softball league teammate, someone who sees this guy and has been told he’s single or separated.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros July 1, 2019, 7:44 pm

        She didn’t say they were set up. I was set up with a guy who actually still was with his girlfriend, who was pregnant. Her phrasing makes it sound like it could easily just be that it’s how she found him online, not that a friend purposely tried to get them together.

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  • avatar

    Buttery July 1, 2019, 2:47 pm

    LW #1, Like Wendy says, doesn’t really sounds like a loss if you lose this guy but here’s a tad bit of advice – the next time you’re going to start a steamy text session with someone send a feeler one first, like just saying Hi so that the person responds THEN get it going.
    LW 2 – Oh hell NO, any guy who thinks that its THEIR job to tell you what to do to run your life? Lose him quick because he thinks he’s in charge of you – and your kid by default.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros July 1, 2019, 7:48 pm

    LW1: Regardless of his opinion about you sexting him, someone who immediately blocks you on everything probably wasn’t going to stick around very long. He apparently is not really that interested in the relationship. I also wonder if he is in a relationship or married.

    LW2: Your boyfriend is paranoid and controlling. Not a good guy to keep around.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros July 1, 2019, 8:22 pm

      TBH, I’m kind of wondering if it was actually the son. Why would he ask if it was for his dad when it was his dad’s phone? Why wouldn’t he just tell his dad that he got a text or ignore it?

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  • avatar

    Redgirl July 9, 2019, 9:59 pm

    I have to disagree with Wendy on LW1. Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to relegate all texts and social media accounts to a G rating. You have to be more cautious, sure, but it’s not like, “No sexting ever until all kids turn 18.” I mean, we don’t tell parents, “You can’t have sex anymore because the kids might overhear or walk in.” You try to avoid it but let’s face it, it happens. Everyone’s mortified, and then the world continues on. You don’t tell parents, “You can never own any porn or sex toys because the kids might find them.” You do your best to keep them out of the kids’ reach but I bet a lot of us found our parents’ stashes of these when we were kids and weren’t permanently damaged from the experience. Sexy texts or social media is no different. You take reasonable precautions to keep them from your kids, but you don’t stop having a normal adult sex life just because you chose to procreate.

    However, the dude’s decision to completely block you after you sent the kind of text that you two had been sending all along? That’s definitely a sign that he’s not good relationship material, as it’s an immature way to handle the situation that puts blame on you for his own inability to keep his phone away from his kid. Or, as others have said, maybe he’s not as single as you thought.

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