New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.
First of all, props to you, hot stuff, for getting back out there in the big, bad world of dating. I wouldn’t wish dating-after-becoming-a-widowed-parent on anyone, and that includes several former employers and the Republican presidential field. Your positive outlook and readiness for a relationship are strong indicators that you will find the latter and probably forthwith.
Of course, there is a caveat, which is that the issue you’re facing is a larger problem with dating in the ’10s (or whatever the media calls it), although ultimately beneficial. First, allow me to update you on dating since your last go-around. In 2015, men who receive your nudie pics before the first date are either a) planning on staying home to touch themselves instead of going out with you anyway or b) going to take the photos as a sign that they are 100% definitely going to get laid and will be furious if they feel tricked. Men who are likely to be serious about you will put on a clean shirt and pick you up at 8, not meet you at a bar at 11:30 p.m. and say, “Hmm. I see why you sent me photos from the neck down.” (Not kidding — prepare for the worst). Men who are likely to be serious will not risk sabotaging a relationship by asking for a nude photo; they will, as you hope, ask for your phone number and make real plans.
As mentioned, there is a benefit to this. A nude photo solicitor is helping you see that you can immediately ignore him. Even more good news: In the past, it might have taken several dates to determine who is being a creep; nowadays, you can easily detect unworthiness in a suitor in just a few “words”: “What r u wearing?”
“A Friend Groped My Wife At a New Year’s Party”
I’ve been with Wendy for ten years and don’t know anything about dating these days. (I barely knew anything about dating before I met her). Is this really how people meet now? Does everyone just send each other naked pictures of themselves? Aren’t they worried they’ll end up on the internet? Maybe nobody cares? Maybe there’re just naked pictures of everybody all over the internet and it’s not a big deal anymore? I don’t know. It all sounds a little crazy to me. Anyway, I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time and I guess my advice is: Try not to let your loneliness drive you to do things you’re not comfortable doing. And, for the record, I don’t think you’re the one who’s forgotten how to “flirt and date.” If these guys want to see you with your clothes off, they need to buy you dinner and take you to the movies first — you know, date the analog way.
Men want sex. Also, water is wet.
No, but seriously, I think you’ve overthinking this. Much in the same way that ancient cavemen probably wanted cavewomen to draw naked pictures of themselves on the walls, men are by and large a visual lot, and they like to see naked women. I don’t think GUYS are different; I think the MEDIUM is different. Online dating has made it easy to connect from the comfort of your own home, but it’s also made it easier to do very little work to get lots of fun. If a guy sends out the same “got naked pics?” message to one hundred women, it probably takes him ten minutes, tops, to cut and paste that. If even three respond with pictures, that’s a solid return for him for ten minutes worth of work. And I think the “newness”, so to speak, that people see this as is really just because the World Wide Web as we know it now is only about thirty years old, and it’s only been about ten to fifteen years at most that it was really publicly used because of the uptick in personal computing. If they had had text messaging and online chatting in past generations, I suspect you’d have seen the same percentage of picture requests.
I like to tell people who are new to online dating that it’s a lot like meeting someone at a bar: You see the perfected image they want you to see, but it’s superficial, and you can’t judge the merits and compatibility of another person in either environment. So no one trusts one another, and it’s easy to be fooled by the right camera angle and filter. If you like the guy, and you trust the guy, and you want to show him a little skin, go for it, but do so with the understanding that you might not hear from him again and you lose control over the dissemination of the picture. With how lonely you sound, I might exercise caution on the naked pictures until you know the guy well enough to feel safe that he won’t show them around.
Related posts: “My Wife Keeps The Other Woman’s Sexy Photos on Her Phone” and “What Do Men Think of Boudoir Photos?”
If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.
SasLinna September 30, 2015, 8:05 am
A guy who really wants to date you won’t need sexy pics to do so.
Cherlyn September 30, 2015, 8:18 am
I came here JUST to say that I love Brian’s answer. I got a good laugh when I read “a) planning on staying home to touch themselves”.
Reading all the guys’ answers just make me happy to know that there are just as many good men as there are jerks out there.
Anonymous January 13, 2020, 10:13 pm
I am a widow of many years.
I look much younger than my age.
On line dating is horrible.
Men treat women as hookups.
Women compete by dressing for sex.
I am looking to meet a nice decent guy.
No matter how nice these men’s profiles sound.
It is so frustrating, they always bring up sex.
Right away, texting, phone.
Within a short time.
Or if I do meet a guy for coffee.
Invariably they just seem to expect something by second date.
Very frustrating process.
I want to make sure a guy likes me.
He wants to see me again for me.
I have had men lie to me.
A couple were still married.
No intention of being involved.
Just out there playing around.
To me, on line dating has changed so much for the worse.
People use people, they don’t trust, they lie, misrepresent, opportunists, scammers.
Maybe 1% to 3% are legitimate.
Really want a genuine relationship.
Most on sites for ego, games, hookups.
Very irritating for those of us who are sincere.
Huge waste of time, energy.
Brittnee October 13, 2021, 11:34 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with the anonymous comment. It is incredibly frustrating when you do have intentions on meeting someone new and or seeking a mate. I have trouble especially in the beginning knowing if someone is communicating with me because they like me for me or if they just keep it going because they want to get laid. I’m tired of being played and I’m tired of guys making assumptions based on my looks. I feel that it is maddening that online dating has come to this.
Nookie September 30, 2015, 8:19 am
Brian’s got it in one, a guy who asks you for a nude before you’ve even met them (or even after) tells you a lot more about themselves and how they respect women than you would’ve known 10-15 years ago. Count it as a win and find someone who’s not looking for pics for his wank bank. Good luck!!
mrmidtwenties September 30, 2015, 8:38 am
As a guy who has done a lot of online dating with mixed intentions the past five years (except for the past year, yay for relationships), chances are if they are asking for sexy pics, they’re looking for spank bank material or a woman they can hook up with. Now I have been various situations, where I have had normal conversations with someone I’m really interested in that begin to turn sexual and where maybe some pics have been exchanged. And I have still gone out with those women, and been on the road to a relationship with some of them and it didn’t work out for one reason or another.
Moe P September 30, 2015, 8:47 am
I would never send nude pictures to anyone before I met them, or even after being married, because once they go through your phone, they are permanently in a public sphere and can be shared now or in the future. A man who has any sense of being interested in any sort of relationship would focus on asking you out on a date and not on asking for nude photos. If it’s a relationship you want, don;t be suckered into this by immature fools.
Fyodor September 30, 2015, 8:55 am
I wouldn’t rule out someone just because they want those types of pictures, but no, do not send naked or revealing pictures of yourself to someone you barely know.
You have no way of knowing if it’s going to be forwarded to to 50 of his closest friends and 1000 of their closest friends. Or uploaded to some site and tagged with your name. Most men probably won’t do this, but you have no way of differentiating those that would from those who wouldn’t.
SpaceySteph September 30, 2015, 12:14 pm
Definitely true about forwarding! One of my husband’s friends friends is recently separated from his wife and online dating now. When a girl sends him a nude pic (or even a sexy, not nude pic) he definitely forwards it to my husband’s friend (and goodness knows who else), who occasionally forwards them to my husband.
Once you send the pic, you have no control over where it goes next. I wouldn’t say never send one, but only send once you know them and trust the person to keep it private.
bagge72 September 30, 2015, 9:14 am
No a guy isn’t serious about you if he is just coming out and asking for naked pics of you right off the bat. If you are getting a ton of those requests you need to find new guys to meet, and new places to meet them.
KMJ September 30, 2015, 9:16 am
Great answers. Drew’s really made me laugh. 😀
No, do not send nude pics to someone with whom you are not in a serious relationship. (Even then, use caution.) Doing so is not the norm for people who are looking for a relationship.
There are tons of good men who want exactly what you do and to do it “the old fashioned way.” You may have to hold out a little and invest some time before finding someone you really want a relationship with and that’s fine. Number one rule, I’d say, is to not rush things.
Raccoon eyes September 30, 2015, 9:51 am
Yes, agree with everyone that sexy pictures/sexy talk are to be saved for an actual relationship. Now, I have not done the online dating thing/been out there in the wide world of singlehood for about 3 years now (Im 35), but even back in the dark ages of undergrad in the early 2000s, if a guy got too sexual or whatever before we even were actually dating, I dropped him like the proverbial hot potato. When I was online dating, if the 1st message I got was sexual in nature, I just didnt respond or if it started up before we met up, I did the same. Sure, I had my share of one nighters, or occaisional-hookup-buddy, but that was different. Hold out for what you believe in, and dont compromise on it! Good guys are out there.
Also, beware of the (strange) heady euphoria of the rush of messages when you first sign up on a dating site. MOst of them (I think, they did a few years ago) have a way to see who the new “meat” on the site is. Omg, I thought I was so popular when I first signed up. Ahaha, ohh , I can joke about it now! But it is a strange letdown- like, you get all these messages! Some of them are so witty and charming!! And then nothing really comes of most of them. But as they say, online dating is a numbers game, so keep at it!
Diablo September 30, 2015, 10:04 am
There is only one use for a nekkid pic of a woman. If you are in a relationship with a woman or hope to be, there is really no need to have a photo – you’ve got a live girl in front of you. I’m assuming that the majority of the men you might date will be in your age range, more or less. If so, they grew up with the same standards for things. I am 49. I have never seen a naked photo of any woman I have personally known in real life. Or needed to. Then again, i have not been single for a long time, just like you. This is my point – the guys you seek should have similar standards to yours, not only because of similar history, but because these are the people who might be suitable for you to have a relationship with. Why would you WANT to date some squicky fapping 26 yo (or 49 yo) gamer dork who asked to see you naked before he even met you in person? Why would anybody?
Nookie October 2, 2015, 7:25 am
Wait, are you saying that you’ve never looked at pornographic images?
norabb September 30, 2015, 11:01 am
IF/WHEN you send pics, to anyone, don’t show your face or anything that proves it’s you. I am all about sexy pics, being of the younger generation, but beeee careful, don’t send them out willy nilly, and never show your face.
ktfran September 30, 2015, 11:17 am
Agreed! Even in a committed or exclusive relationship, DO NOT SHOW YOUR FACE. There’s too many outside variables and a holes. You just don’t know what someone would do with that photo and personally, I wouldn’t want to risk it.
I have sent a couple naked pics to a guy I was in a relationship with who very I much trusted with said photos… however, as much as I trusted him, I still wasn’t comfortable sending my face in the naked photos because again, you honestly just don’t know what someone will do or what the future holds.
RedRoverRedRover September 30, 2015, 11:42 am
Not to mention if someone’s looking through his phone or whatever. He can be as trustworthy as possible, but his phone could still be hacked, could be stolen, or he could just leave it unlocked one time and his best friend or brother or someone goes through it and sends the photo to himself. You never know!
ktfran September 30, 2015, 12:28 pm
Oh yes! I didn’t even mention if someone was looking through the phone.
Moneypenny September 30, 2015, 11:53 am
These answers are great!! I have nothing to add other than, I’m glad His Take is back!
MaterialsGirl September 30, 2015, 1:57 pm
Also… know that “netflix and chill” doesn’t meant what it used to!
ktfran September 30, 2015, 2:52 pm
Oh my god, I just learned that today too. What the fuck?
However, the guy and I did the old meeting Friday because I literally fell asleep on the couch 15 minutes into a movie. #lame
laurahope September 30, 2015, 2:57 pm
Just today, I was at Toys-R-Us and got in to a conversation with this man about board games and when we bumped into each other again at the grocery store (it was quite by accident–he wasn’t stalking me), he asked me out for a cup of coffee. He did not ask for naked pics. He just wanted to get to know me. So I’m thinking there are still gentlemen out there.
RedBlue September 30, 2015, 2:59 pm
Try this rule of thumb:
Send nothing to someone else that you won’t mind being posted on the Internet later. Even in a dating situation, the relationship can sour resulting a formerly trusted boyfriend to post your photos in bitterness. There are whole websites dedicated to revenge porn and some have been known to post the information about the person in the photo.
Basically, if the request makes you uncomfortable don’t do it.
Jessica September 26, 2022, 1:39 am
AGREED! I dated a guy for 7 years and a few YEARS after we broke up I was contacted by the admin of a fb group for posting your own nudes. Apparently my ex was posting my nudes as well as another girls and they finally caught on and tracked me down to make me aware of it what he was doing.
That forever changed my views on sending nudes. If I did, it was a rare situation and the pic had no identifying features. Even then I was kind of uncomfortable doing it.
It’s also weird knowing that your nude is potential next to some other chicks nude in their phone.
Nudes are a privilege from me nowadays.
Michelle October 6, 2015, 11:44 am
OK, I’m Michelle aka…”Lonely in Alabama” and I feel safe enough to share my name now that I have read y’all’s advice and my fear of feeling stupid..never happened, lol
Firstly, I want to thank all three of you kind gentleman for taking the time out to help me better understand, I am 34, and I was with my late husband for 2 years dating & 10 years of marriage. Flip phones had just came out when he died, and texting became “the thing”, what I loved about the years 2000-2007 was that we had to physically get up and leave our homes to meet people, yet, I agree that then and now are basically the same when comparing the Bar with Online dating. But, I spent the past 8 years focusing on work & my 2 children, keeping myself buried in them, I see now that it was a security blanket to shield myself from the “scary,huge, big, & bad” world. See, ever since my husband died (I was first on the scene 4 miles from our home to find the love of my life & the man who hit him, dead in their vehicles, and BOOM..just like that, I’m alone with children in Alabama and all our family living in other states. So, until now I guess I feared not being good enough & failing. Now however, thanks to my “Trusty 3”, I know its ok to be picky & cautious when it comes to meeting the right man while sticking to my good ol’ fashioned values 🙂
I am so grateful for your advice because to be honest, I had started allowing my mind to doubt my beliefs & expectations on Dating, and often thought of how, “times have changed the past 10 years, what if I’m wrong on expecting a man to be a gentleman and ask me for my number and a date” lol. It’s a huge sigh of relief to know that (like the 3 of you) there ARE still good men left on this Earth, my question is…How many of the good, single ones are IN North Alabama, HAHA!
Thanks so much for your kind & straight up advice & for not ripping me to shreds when you realized that I’m a 34 yr old asking advice on what most folks see as common sense questions. Men ask me all the time..”why is a beautiful woman like you single”, yet, if I find them attractive and talk to them, they want to almost immediately ask for pics. It’s nauseating at times but I’m glad it’s not me that is the problem, and I reckon I’ll be patient and wait as long as it takes for a good man to come along, BUT, if I’m still single by 40..I’ll give up and become a Nun lol 😉
Brian Fairbanks October 6, 2015, 12:14 pm
“How many of the good, single ones are IN North Alabama…”
Glad we could help… and, uh… well, good luck with that!
Guy Friday October 6, 2015, 5:51 pm
Thanks so much for your kind & straight up advice & for not ripping me to shreds when you realized that I’m a 34 yr old asking advice on what most folks see as common sense questions.
You’re welcome, and I’m glad I could help, but I didn’t view it as a “common sense question” in the sense that you shouldn’t be asking it. The availability of online dating and the internet in general has dramatically altered the way society interacts with one another, and so we revisit the “etiquette,” for lack of a better term, with each improvement. Plus, if there’s one thing law school taught me, it’s that for every person who asks a question there’s 10 other people who wanted to ask the same question but were too scared to ask it. So, on behalf of the ten other people whose names we don’t know, thank YOU 🙂
Mina March 6, 2018, 6:22 am
Now it’a crazier.. he asks you to get naked in video call and also shows you his ‘thing’ and he was naked too. Is there any name for this kind of behavior? Is it considered a disorder or ‘normal’? Help me understand.
Rachel March 20, 2018, 9:06 am
I love these answers and it underpins my feelings on this subject. Recently I had a guy messaging me and asking for pics. So I played him – every pic he asked for I found on the good old www – a bit of crppping and bingo! He never realised that they weren’t of me. As he always suggested we meet but then always talked about sex he made it very, very easy for me to block him!! It’s a good point that at least it makes it a lot easier to spot the slime balls!! ?
Lily August 27, 2018, 10:13 am
Recently I also met this kind guy. We already talked on online dating website for one month. Because he is in another country right now, he said he will move to my current city soon. I felt very good to talk with him before, he said he wants to settle down, and he is serious to me,and he is also very excellent guy. Then after one week talking,he start only talk about sexual things,also send his nude body photos to me without his face. And I asked him to talk more about his habits, he said after meet.
Then he starts to ask me the nude photo under waist. I feel so uncomfortable. I didn’t meet with him yet, I just talked with him for one month. And I am waiting him to move to my city and to have a meet. So I refused him, he start to be very negative attitude to talk with me, and he said he wondering our compatibility.
I already talked with him for one month, and I had strong interesting in him. But I start to doubt he is real or fraud. On online website,are there lots of fraud only talk with girls , send their nude photos and ask nude photos from girls? How can they have so much time to waste? I talked with that guy for one month already. How a fraud can spend one month to just talk with a girl?
Sue September 20, 2018, 2:43 pm
I have a question: I started talking to a young guy ( online)(38), I am 63. We live 20 minutes from each, been texting for over 2 months. Have never met, my experience in meeting someone online, text for a few weeks then meet up. Well, he now had to leave out of state for a few months. Every conversation has now become sexual, wanting very explicit video/pics. I have told him I do not feel comfortable at all taking pics/videos that he is wanting, and have told him so. Have told him, if he wants to see such things then come and meet up with me. I also told him I do not want a texting relationship. My question is: is it the age difference, or is something seriously not right here?
Neg April 6, 2019, 8:02 am
Hi guys, I’m so happy I could find this website to read comments realising I’m not the only one facing such problems in this weird new era; even tho I’m young and 29 year old but unfortunately can’t keep up with such asshole guys asking only for nudes before they even put any effort to prove they deserve to be trusted and take you on real dates as a gentleman, I’m wondering why the same generation as me have changed abnormally in just 10 years or even less than that even tho this same generation where quite nice, caring and had respect for women before knowing more how to treat women with respect to gain her attention but these same exact people are changed drastically that is scaring me to my guts and makes me more confused as to what should I do?, is that my fault?, am i gonna find my ideal partner?, or should I go with their silly requests even tho I believe a man who wants serious relationship won’t ask for nudes if a relationship is not formed yet and when they can easily have sexual relationship up close when meeting you, so why bothering for nude pics or video calls when we can get the more passionate more realistic and with more respect more enjoyable real sex?!; the only conclusion I came to find is definitely such men are not fully grown yet mentally or are sex addicts and just want have fun and run game/relationship and or the men who don’t wanna commit to a woman because they conflicted and not ready for committing to just one person and get used to get laid and finish it off after that like there was nothing existed before between them and us; definitely I’m not gonna lower my values and worth by accepting their offers but still that’s pretty hard to stay single for a very long time now as for it was almost 6 years and I’m already tired finding and investing a guy who only is thinking of their wank bank and thinking of me as a sexual object to be used and forgotten and moving to next girl they find! That’s pretty gross actually!
anonymousse April 6, 2019, 9:22 am
I don’t think they’ve changed, it’s just easier to ask for nudes, and with apps everyone is more anonymous and interchangeable. Creeps used to ask every single women they saw in person if they’d sleep with them, or show them their tits. Let’s say 1 in 50 would do it. For someone with no shame, those were pretty good odds.
If you have a profile that you’re getting these messages from maybe you should include a line like, “Please don’t even ask me for nudes.” If you’re totally striking out online, deactivate and take a break.
mellanthe February 19, 2020, 8:45 pm
I know this is a bit late, but I figure it’s always relevant.
This isn’t just about age: I’m in my 30s, as are my single friends. We all started online dating around the same time (with some friends joining us after), All of us managed to find men who didn’t solicit us for nude photos.
None of the men (in their 30s) that I met asked me for nude photos; but I only entertained men who made decent conversation and cut things off if they got sexual before we’d even met. Some of my friends are more sexually adventurous than I am, but they managed to find guys who didn’t pressure them for nudes.
It’s possible, but you absolutely have to stand firm and not be pressured into it. If a guy wants a relationship, he would still be hoping to see you nude one day, in the flesh – and that should be more than good enough. But more than that, he should be hoping to get to know you as a person too.
In this day and age, its risky to send any photo with your face on it.
jules April 27, 2019, 10:04 pm
i feel the same neg . no real dates, no foundation, bond, and wanting nudes and started wondering if its a stepping stone into a relationship. im 29 too. its hard for me too.
anonymousse April 28, 2019, 11:58 am
Block the dudes asking for nudes. Get off apps completely if it’s exhausting you and join a gym, class or meetup group that looks interesting. Ask friends if they know any good guys worth dating.
ron April 28, 2019, 10:03 am
I think these guys seem more numerous than they actually are because they are repeatedly hitting up random women for nudes, after minimal internet/dating site chatting up. For some it’s even a business and if you send nudes they will be sold, traded with friends, or you will be blackmailed.
J September 5, 2019, 1:41 pm
I met a random man when I was at work he introduced himself and he asked to take me out I was flattered and said yes he was older established and seemed to be a gentleman we spoke on the phone the next day and texted the following day as well and then it came a picture of him in bed with a sheet naked underneath and I didn’t appreciate that at all it was more a sexy pose and I stated I need need a visual .. a 58 year old man to me I felt it wasn’t in good taste he said I was uptight and I disappointed him .. I didn’t ever reply
I was disappointed and I can’t explain but I felt rather embarrassed and I am unsure what a man is thinking when he does such a thing am I being to uptight I have been single for a very long time and I seem to run into the same types of men .. realizing they have no class
Brittany November 5, 2019, 5:38 pm
Girl no, he was corny as hell for that. You dodged a bullet
Avi December 9, 2019, 10:42 pm
Brian is very funny. What r u wearing? is creepy? It’s not a nude!