His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.
After sex, we’d cuddle and talk. Even before sex, we’d usually already be cuddling and talking on his bed while a movie would be on. I met his mom accidentally at home too, and he wasn’t the least bit bothered about it. He also often invites me to join him on certain trips, although they haven’t materialized yet, ass well as to meet his friends (which I’m kind of nervous about!). I’m not really sure what’s going on! I think I do like him a lot, but my question is whether or not he sees me as anything more than a FWB? Is there a possibility he’s considering me for something serious? — More Than a FWB?
Brian: At the risk of regurgitating the same advice my fellow His-es (Hisses?) are going to offer you, I’d simply like to say: I don’t see what the problem is. Perhaps this is because, as a guy, I am reading this story as if it were a fairytale. Look at it from the guy’s point of view: he shows up for a no-pressure (what a relief!) first date that’s not a date (wink, wink), he has what you call casual sex (no pressure on him to keep this going — another relief), he doesn’t have to call you because you’re texting up a storm about bullshit, and you guys meet up with friends and bump into parents and it’s not planned or awkward in any way. ‘Scuse me for two hours while I bang out the first draft of the bestselling male answer to Fifty Shades.
If I called this guy up on the phone right now and asked him how it was going with you, I bet you ten bucks he doesn’t refer to you as an FWB. I bet he even accidentally slips up and calls you his girlfriend. Twice.
In all seriousness, it’s just as likely that he considers this “FWB relationship” a “relationship relationship” already. And may have always intended it to be. After all, you say you met him online — how does one meet someone for a “platonic meet-up”? Everyone knows those have the potential to be anything and everything. Of course, there’s only one way to find out: communication!
No, not texting. Call him on the phone and feel him out. However, avoid confrontation; do not refer to him as an FWB. Refer to this thing as dating because that’s the middle ground between an FWB and a relationship. See which way he rolls the ball back to you. Then you’ll know and, although you only hint at your hopes for your relationship, it’s pretty obvious that you want something substantial. Don’t compromise.
Jarek: Being friends with benefits is sort of a broad concept. Some are just booty calls and that’s it, no other sort of interaction, connection, or interest. Others entail everything you described, which is being actual friends who also happen to have sex. You hang out and talk about stuff and then get it on. In reality, there is no difference between the early stages of dating someone and being in a FWB situation. This is where you are. You need to let this thing play out naturally. From the sound of it, you guys will get there. Your situation is pretty much how 80% of relationships start, they just organically morph into a girlfriend-boyfriend situation. The only thing that will change that is bringing up the “so what are we” talk before it needs to happen. If you enjoy spending time with him, then keep spending time with him. Get to know him and let him get to know you. Who knows where it will lead. If it ever feels one-sided or stagnant, however, you may want to re-evaluate your situation.
I think we need a new acronym to go along with MOA, DTMFA, etc. On, I’ve got it: AHA! And by that, I mean Ask Him/Her Already! Don’t write Wendy, or Wendy’s Male Minions; just ask him. I mean, if you’re comfortable enough to get down and dirty with him physically, you may as well go for it emotionally. Honestly, the worst that happens is that he’s sending mixed signals and he doesn’t want more than what you started out as, but it’s not like it’d be the first time that casual sex became a meaningful relationship. Still, the only one who can truly answer that for you isn’t sitting at this computer screen. He might be outside your place right now with a boombox over his head, but that’s only if you live in Seattle.
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