His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.
After sex, we’d cuddle and talk. Even before sex, we’d usually already be cuddling and talking on his bed while a movie would be on. I met his mom accidentally at home too, and he wasn’t the least bit bothered about it. He also often invites me to join him on certain trips, although they haven’t materialized yet, ass well as to meet his friends (which I’m kind of nervous about!). I’m not really sure what’s going on! I think I do like him a lot, but my question is whether or not he sees me as anything more than a FWB? Is there a possibility he’s considering me for something serious? — More Than a FWB?
Brian: At the risk of regurgitating the same advice my fellow His-es (Hisses?) are going to offer you, I’d simply like to say: I don’t see what the problem is. Perhaps this is because, as a guy, I am reading this story as if it were a fairytale. Look at it from the guy’s point of view: he shows up for a no-pressure (what a relief!) first date that’s not a date (wink, wink), he has what you call casual sex (no pressure on him to keep this going — another relief), he doesn’t have to call you because you’re texting up a storm about bullshit, and you guys meet up with friends and bump into parents and it’s not planned or awkward in any way. ‘Scuse me for two hours while I bang out the first draft of the bestselling male answer to Fifty Shades.
If I called this guy up on the phone right now and asked him how it was going with you, I bet you ten bucks he doesn’t refer to you as an FWB. I bet he even accidentally slips up and calls you his girlfriend. Twice.
In all seriousness, it’s just as likely that he considers this “FWB relationship” a “relationship relationship” already. And may have always intended it to be. After all, you say you met him online — how does one meet someone for a “platonic meet-up”? Everyone knows those have the potential to be anything and everything. Of course, there’s only one way to find out: communication!
No, not texting. Call him on the phone and feel him out. However, avoid confrontation; do not refer to him as an FWB. Refer to this thing as dating because that’s the middle ground between an FWB and a relationship. See which way he rolls the ball back to you. Then you’ll know and, although you only hint at your hopes for your relationship, it’s pretty obvious that you want something substantial. Don’t compromise.
Jarek: Being friends with benefits is sort of a broad concept. Some are just booty calls and that’s it, no other sort of interaction, connection, or interest. Others entail everything you described, which is being actual friends who also happen to have sex. You hang out and talk about stuff and then get it on. In reality, there is no difference between the early stages of dating someone and being in a FWB situation. This is where you are. You need to let this thing play out naturally. From the sound of it, you guys will get there. Your situation is pretty much how 80% of relationships start, they just organically morph into a girlfriend-boyfriend situation. The only thing that will change that is bringing up the “so what are we” talk before it needs to happen. If you enjoy spending time with him, then keep spending time with him. Get to know him and let him get to know you. Who knows where it will lead. If it ever feels one-sided or stagnant, however, you may want to re-evaluate your situation.
Guy Friday: *Shakes 8 Ball* “Reply hazy. Try again.” I knew I should have gotten this thing fixed..
I think we need a new acronym to go along with MOA, DTMFA, etc. On, I’ve got it: AHA! And by that, I mean Ask Him/Her Already! Don’t write Wendy, or Wendy’s Male Minions; just ask him. I mean, if you’re comfortable enough to get down and dirty with him physically, you may as well go for it emotionally. Honestly, the worst that happens is that he’s sending mixed signals and he doesn’t want more than what you started out as, but it’s not like it’d be the first time that casual sex became a meaningful relationship. Still, the only one who can truly answer that for you isn’t sitting at this computer screen. He might be outside your place right now with a boombox over his head, but that’s only if you live in Seattle.
If you’d like to ask the guys a question, email me at email@example.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.
lets_be_honest May 6, 2014, 2:38 pm
“If I called this guy up on the phone right now and asked him how it was going with you, I bet you ten bucks he doesn’t refer to you as an FWB. I bet he even accidentally slips up and calls you his girlfriend. Twice.”
I hope LW comments asking, “Wait, Brian, were you being serious? Did you get his number from Wendy somehow? How did he sound at first? When he said ‘girlfriend,’ was he quick to correct himself? Please write back soon Brian! I can’t tell if you were being serious and I’m just curious. Its cool if you can’t reply til tomorrow. I’ll keep it up on my screen to keep checking. K, W/B”
lets_be_honest May 6, 2014, 2:41 pm
Also, points to GF for the boombox reference.
Brian Fairbanks May 6, 2014, 4:08 pm
Damn it, now you’ve got ME refreshing the page over and over to see if LW actually says this.
lets_be_honest May 6, 2014, 4:16 pm
Brian, Sorry I can’t talk to you. Addie already called dibs. Girl code, ya know?
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 5:43 pm
Brian: whaa, haha i’m sooo not like that – i’m a cool girl – chat away!
lets: good move, I’ll continue to monitor your activity to make sure you remain in compliance with girl code.
rachel May 6, 2014, 4:03 pm
Yeah, LW, I’m with the guys, it sounds like you’re..you know..”dating”. Which is exactly the period of time in which you get to know each other and consider whether you might want the other person to be something more serious. If you want to be his girlfriend, just ask him, otherwise enjoy what you’ve got right now.
lemongrass May 6, 2014, 4:32 pm
Kate B. May 6, 2014, 4:54 pm
I love Guy Friday’s avatar. That is all.
Diablo May 6, 2014, 5:36 pm
Why are we always so obsessed with labelling? If you like spending time with someone and want to do it again, then do it. If you like having sex with someone, do it. Why does it need to be defined as any of “casual encounter,” “FWB,” “early stages, legit dating,” “seeing someone,” “relationship,” “serious relationship,” “long-term relationship,” etc. Probably only the last one matters at all, in the sense that you have committed a few years and deserve some respect for that. What does defining it do for you? Give you status? Certainty (no)? No communication necessary on this front. You like him. You are seeing him. If you like this, keep doing it. When you don’t, stop. Am I missing something here?
lemongrass May 6, 2014, 10:00 pm
I’m guessing she wants to know if he’s banging other women. Generally that is the only difference between casually dating and a relationship.
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 5:46 pm
YOU GUYZ I DID A BAD THING. A series of premeditated bad things: First I with intent unblocked my ex on Facebook; Second, I read every one of his (many) Facebook statuses from the date we first got together through today; and Last, I looked through every picture he has posted over the same time frame. I learned nothing interesting; I wasted valuable work time; and … and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.
MaterialsGirl May 6, 2014, 5:54 pm
oooh addy.. did you then go back and reblock him?
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 5:57 pm
I tried but failed. Facebook is making me wait 48 hours before I can re-block. It oddly feels like Facebook is imposing its own morals on me and my decisions…. If you were so upstanding, FB, why did you let me unblock him in the first place, huh?!
iwannatalktosampson May 6, 2014, 5:57 pm
At least you didn’t discover that he’s posting emo statuses about you and your lost love. That would have sucked more than wasting work time. Onward and upward.
Dear Wendy May 6, 2014, 5:55 pm
Forget about the ex. Focus on the handsome single dad who lives between floors 23-33 (?) in your bldg. Or Brian! Go stalk his FB page. No more ex-stalking!!
MaterialsGirl May 6, 2014, 5:57 pm
LET”S DO IT. let’s stalk the single dad in the elevator this weekend (i am inviting myself over for shenanigans and possibly to pass out on your gorgeous rug which moose has peed all over)
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 6:04 pm
Yes, come over!
Brian Fairbanks May 7, 2014, 11:19 am
I’m disappointed that Wendy just offered you carte blanche to stalk me and what do you do? Stalk some STRANGER in an elevator. OUCH.
Addie Pray May 7, 2014, 11:29 am
No no it’s only because I’ve already thoroughly stalked you, don’t fret!
Addie Pray May 7, 2014, 11:29 am
(or insert something less creepy but just as soothing to the soul)
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 6:06 pm
Ex stalking should be forbidden no matter how well you’re doing. And in particular if you’re not doing well. I’m somewhere in between I guess. But I’m looking forward to Operation Find That Single Dad!
Addie Pray May 6, 2014, 9:28 pm
I can’t stop stalking his profile. This is so stupid!!! I am hating myself right now!!
Diablo May 7, 2014, 1:02 am
Just stop. Don’t do anything until a trained professional gets there. They’re often tall, hunky, smartalecky, and it doesn’t hurt that they make a nice buck. Yer welcome.
MaterialsGirl May 7, 2014, 12:01 pm
NO MORE FB STALKING!!! you can do it AP!
So, we should plan a menu
brie, sharp cheddar, prolly some fruit, fancy ass crackers,
Addie Pray May 7, 2014, 12:13 pm
screw the fruit.
MaterialsGirl May 7, 2014, 12:26 pm
what about FERMENTED FRUIT
Lindsay May 6, 2014, 6:16 pm
I’m confused, did you establish that you’re officially FWB? Otherwise, why do you assume that it’s only FWB?
That said, if you did determine yourselves to be FWB, I think you’re mistaking FWB for something else (f buddy, booty call, whatever). You can be FWB and still do things that are unrelated to sex. That’s where the Friend part comes into the equation.
You’re only going to know what you are if you ask.
Bittergaymark May 6, 2014, 8:09 pm
NEWSFLASH: LW, you are so NOT dating. You are — wait for it! — Friends With Benefits. Honestly? You didn’t list a single thing that fell outside of usual FWB behavior. I mean — okay… He’s NICE to you. Wow. Really? C’mon! It’s not called Assholes With Benefits.
Diablo May 7, 2014, 1:07 am
Snort… AWB should be a category on DW, based on the many letter writers whose FWBs aren’t even nice to them! BGM for the win. I wanna know if the LW a) read and b) returned the book. I mean, who’s kidding who here, mutual-respectwise?
Tinywormhole May 6, 2014, 9:14 pm
Haha… at first glance I thought the “his take” graphic said “mistake” – and I was looking for a facepalm letter. But this wasn’t. Anyway…
I always sucked at dating, mainly because I am so bad at being casual about the beginning of a relationship. When my husband and I started “dating” it took seven – SEVEN – months for us to slap the BF/GF label on it. I obsessed over it but due to a deep-seated fear of rejection, I was too terrified to bring it up. Finally one day he just called me his girlfriend and that was that.
But in hindsight I am glad I didn’t press the issue (even if I am not glad that the reason was that I didn’t have the courage to do it.) My guy had some baggage entering the relationship and I think it would’ve freaked him out if I had pressed the issue too quickly. I certainly don’t think this applies to all guys though, so use your judgement as to whether now is the time to bring it up to your guy.
Bottom line is if you listen to your gut you already know what is (or isn’t) going on, so listen to it. If you both are treating each other with respect and enjoying the situation, then it’s all good.
KKZ May 7, 2014, 8:43 am
I am 100% in favor of AHA becoming a new DW acronym. Let’s make this happen.
And LW, I’m jealous, because this is pretty much the exact situation I’d like to fall into right now. And it sounds like it’s what you want, too. Relax and enjoy it. But for health & safety reasons, do find out if he’s sleeping with anyone else right now.
BlueButterfly October 1, 2014, 9:37 am
Wow I do hope the best for you and an outcome you wish/like 🙂
I myself, kind of have that relationship with a friend. Haha I didn’t know I liked him until a little while later. He knows I like/liked him, I told him when I realized, (that was 10 months ago, yes I still like him) he didn’t feel the same & that was before we got into that kind of relationship. I’ve never had a FWB before I myself can never have a “one night stand” or anything like that regardless I had a long term relationship prior – anyway. I need all the works to even do anything in “the bedroom” so to say. Sometimes I get a vibe he likes me more. I have met some of his family & have met some of his friends. Although he does have a young child. We usually hang out during the day we do all things like, lunch, movies dinners – even dinners with friends, even shopping. Do you think he could like me more than a friend? At the end of the day whatever happens, I don’t want to lose his friendship.