His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.
My mom and I are both Facebook friends with him. I sent him one message and my mom sent him a message. He answered my mom’s messages three times and still hasn’t bothered with mine. He will text me instead of call. I had to beg him to call me. Since he left three weeks ago, I have only talked to him once and he texted me for about ten minutes two nights ago. That’s it. I notice him getting online and commenting to people and posting photos and he still hasn’t answered my Facebook message. Does this mean that he has met someone? Does he no longer want to date? I don’t feel like I am being dramatic because others are noticing his distance too. Should I be doing something? — Still Waiting for a Facebook Reply
Drew: That is too funny! I was just Facebook chatting with your mom and she was saying the same thing! (She, among others, has noticed his distance). Geez, those army guys, they’re all alike. One minute you think they’re obsessed you, then three weeks later they’re completely pre-occupied with fighting the Taliban. Maybe it’s time to walk away and start over while you still can. Otherwise you’re going to wake up one morning and realize you just wasted another three whole weeks of your life.
Sorry, gotta run. Your Mom is messaging me back and I don’t want to leave her hanging. Good luck with all your stuff!
In less than a month, you pressed the negotiations with your long-time friend to get him to “agree to date.” You latch onto his family’s comments that you think prove he likes you, maybe even is obsessed with you. You keep count of how many times he responded to or commented to other people and how many minutes he spent texting you. You beg him to call you. You talk to other people about how he is distant. Uhh, this is drama and you need to be cool.
This guy is an old friend, right? If you can be cool, there are two possible outcomes. One, he wants to date you, in which case, he’ll make that happen. Two, he doesn’t want to date you, but if you are cool, you won’t make him feel weird or lose him as a friend. The third option is you could choose not to be cool (see first paragraph above). If he doesn’t want to date you, the dramatics won’t change that, but you could lose the friendship. If he is interested, your chances of freaking him out and making the friendship awkward are much higher.
Just… be cool. Have yourself a cocktail. Be a bit above it all. Don’t develop strong feelings way in advance of your intended, because that’s a recipe for being out of synch.
Tax Geek I’m afraid I have some bad news. It sounds like this guy may have been obsessed with you, or had a fantasy version of you in his head, but it’s possible — maybe even likely — that the fantasy wore out and reality set in. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong — just that reality did not measure up to fantasy. But then reality almost never lives up to fantasy, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Another possibility is that he doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship right now. Again, reality may have gotten in the way. Should he have discussed his feelings? Absolutely. But that’s on him, not you.
My advice: Try to let this guy go and MOA. Yes, the fact that he won’t respond to you stinks. Whether you want to see him if he comes back into town is up to you. Maybe he will want to see you then. But then again, maybe by moving on you will have given yourself a chance to find someone else. And that would be good news.
Art Allen: Yeah. You should be dating anyone else. The fact that he hasn’t messaged you back means he’s more than likely doing a phase out. Maybe he’s nervous and doesn’t know what to say, maybe he thinks talking to your mom is the same as talking to you. But honestly, he’s probably not interested anymore. I can’t say why — maybe it’s another lady, maybe it’s ten other ladies, maybe it’s you, maybe it’s the distance thing, no one knows! — but I can say he’s not interested right now.
You are, I’d guess, between 21 and 23. That is prime dating age. This guy may be great, but he’s not magical. There are literally 3.4 billion other men out there. Pick another one.
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