Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

His Take: “Is He Only Interested in Me for Sex?”

New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice.

About five weeks ago, I met a guy at a bar. We drank a lot and I ended up bringing him home. He was nice, good looking and it has been a really long while since I’ve had sex. He stayed the night and left around 11:00 the next day. I really didn’t expect anything to happen, but I got a text a few hours later and then a couple days after that. He took me on our first date the following Friday. He picked me up, brought beer (the kind we were drinking at the bar) instead of flowers and we went to a restaurant of my choice. Then, I got another text a couple days later and he ended up cooking me dinner. He asked me out a few days after that, and we went out the next couple of weekends. Also, he told me I was a cool girl, that he really liked my laugh, and that he knew he really liked me when I told him I sliced my thumb and he felt concern. Also, he held my hand and during one of our dinners out, leaned across the table and kissed me.

The problem is, he went several days this week without texting me. I’m a firm believer that if he’s interested, he would want to get a hold of me. Even if he was busy, he could have texted to say hello. Frankly, I’m deciding if I should MOA. But, am I being too hard on him and should I cut him some slack? Am I being a typical girl and over-analyzing everything? Is he only interested in sex? — Girl from the Bar

ART: Oh dear lord. Come on, now. “Over-analyzing?” Please. You are putting exactly zero analysis into this. First of all, he has a life that isn’t you. He has gotten a hold of you about a million times already. You are not some fucking Caesar who sits in her alabaster bathing vessel taking a treasure bath waiting for your boyfriend to text you every two seconds. You are allowed to text him. If he doesn’t text, it’s because he’s busy. Secondly, if it’s urgent, you can also CALL HIM. Come on. I have a feeling if this dude texted you as often as you think he should, most ladies would send him packing due to a high level of clinginess. You should initiate texting, you should CALL HIM ON THE PHONE USING YOUR ACTUAL VOICE, and you should realize that seeing a person every day is not how dating works. Come on!

JOE: Yes, you are over-analyzing the situation. No, he’s likely not interested in just sex. It sounds like you’ve had a number of dates, that the dates weren’t merely excuses to have sex with you, and that he’s acted “date-like” on them. Is it possible that he’s lost interest? Sure. Is it possible that he’s found someone else? Sure. These things happen. However, it’s also possible that he just didn’t get around to texting – you two have only dated for a few weeks, so it’s not like you’re deep into something serious where he’d expect to be in contact all the time.

There’s no law that says you can’t text him. Often, during the early stages, people will easily misperceive a lack of contact as meaning a lack of interest (admittedly, because it many times does mean that) and will simply mutually fade away because they’re too worried that the other person doesn’t want to contact them. Instead, just text him. Worst case, you’re out 10 seconds of your life. Best case, it reignites contact. It frightens me that so many people are so worried about whether or not they should just talk to the other person (or, I guess, text them, since no one talks anymore). It’s a lot easier to know what someone’s thinking when you’re not relying solely on your own interpretations of their actions.

BITTER GAY MARK: Question 1) Really? The only problem you have with this guy is that he (just this week) failed to text you daily? I mean, hey, remember now, you’re just DATING… You are not married. Heck, you aren’t even in a quote unquote serious relationship yet. Maybe he is merely playing it cool. Frankly, I know plenty of women who would declare that any new guy demanding texts each and every day was smothering them. That said, you do make some curious statements about this relationship. “He knew he really liked me when I told him I sliced my thumb and he felt concern…” Really? How old are you two? I mean, hey, I feel concern if a stranger trips slightly, but that certainly doesn’t mean I care for them. Oh, and hands holding hands coupled with kisses over a cafe table are all very good, but could simply mean…pretty much, well…anything. Look, at this point, the relationship is still very new. Stop trying to rush things. If you and the guy always seem to have fun together, see where this goes. I wouldn’t end it simply because he didn’t text you daily. That wouldn’t be a MOA situation. Instead, that would be a MOBIEB. Move On Before It Even Begins. Don’t go there.

JAREK: Wait, wait, wait. Back this train up. You took this guy home the first night you met him just for sex and now you are worried that is all he is interested in? Seems a tad mix-messaged don’t you think? Based on what you told us, it really does not appear he is in this only for the sex. He knows (or assumes) he can get sex when he wants (based on your first encounter). Why would he also be taking you out, complimenting you, and treating you well? It could be – and this is just speculation – that maybe he actually likes you. If you want to throw that away because he hasn’t given you constant validation that he was thinking of you in a few days, even though those few days followed what sounds like a great couple of weeks, then that is your thing. But if your mindset has changed from “this guy is cute and I haven’t been laid in a while, let’s just have fun” to “I’m worried this guy is leading me on because I may want a relationship with him,” then you need to bring that to his attention. Because otherwise he is operating under the assumption that you signed up for the same thing you did the night you two met. Also, I would suggest upgrading your plan with your cell phone carrier. Those “receive only” text plans are pretty bad, they can lead to lost opportunities.

MATT: Yes, you are being too hard on him. Yes, you are over-analyzing. And yes, he might only be interested in sex (until he realizes there other parts of him beyond his crotch that find you enjoyable). Confused? Me too. I think it is all about expectations. You said yourself in the first few lines of your note that you didn’t expect anything to happen. Then a few things happened, and now — look at that — you’re filled with expectations.

It is so hard to find that comfortable space between just being happy-go-lucky and accounting for all the ideals that constitute a lasting, deeper interest, isn’t it? You didn’t say whether you texted him or not — that would be my first suggestion. If he doesn’t respond in a way that makes you feel he’s got an interest, then you’ve got something to think about, or maybe he’s looking for as much reassurance as you are.

* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at [email protected] with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

42 comments… add one
  • silver_dragon_girl July 28, 2011, 12:06 pm

    I’m with Joe. Just text him, or call him, or something.
    Word of warning, however…do NOT send him a text saying “Hi! Just thought I’d say hi since you haven’t texted me in a couple days. Wondering if everything’s ok.”
    No. No no no no no.
    Ask him out, if you want another date. Sounds like it’s your turn to plan/initiate a date, anyway, so here is your golden opportunity.

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    • Maracuya July 28, 2011, 12:58 pm

      Yeah, something cuter like, “Hey, wanna catch a movie? I’ll bring the beer this time. We can smuggle it in my purse.”

      Or I guess you guys could go to a Movie Tavern or something but that’s no fun.

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      • Dennis Hong July 29, 2011, 12:56 pm

        Can I hire you to come up with pickup lines for me in the future?

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    Heather July 28, 2011, 12:11 pm

    I was thinking the same thing as all the guys. If you already slept with him, and he’s still being good to you, you’re WAY over analyzing.

    Yeah, if he never makes an effort to talk to you ever and trying to contact him is like pulling out teeth, then he’s not interested. But just because he had a busy couple days doesn’t mean anything out of the ordinary. For pete’s sake, this all sounds so relatively normal to me I can’t believe you actually wrote in about it.

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  • Quakergirl July 28, 2011, 12:16 pm

    Totally agree with Jarek on this one. Also, silver_dragon_girl is right– no passive aggressive texting, please. Just shoot him a text or call him and say hey, do you want to meet up for (insert fun date activity here) later this week or this weekend? And then take it from there. Deep breaths, LW, deeeeeep breaths. As long as you don’t freak out about every perceived issue and project nonexistent feelings onto him, this seems like a hard thing to screw up.

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  • Bethany July 28, 2011, 12:19 pm

    To me it sounds like you’re expecting for him to be the only one making an effort here! HE took you out on a date, HE made you dinner, HE asked you out. It seems like you’ve already been out 3-4 times, why don’t YOU put forth a little effort too??

    You know how we always say “if a guy likes you he makes a way to see you and have time for you”?? Well the same goes for you! If you actually like him, you need to make sure he knows it, not just wait around for him! If you always wait for him to initiate dates/texting/whatever, you are putting out the vibe that you are NOT interested!

    Pick up the phone and call him! Ask him if he’s busy tonight/tomorrow/the next day, because you’d really like to see him/grab dinner/see a movie.

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  • neuroticbeagle July 28, 2011, 12:21 pm

    This seems like a perfect question for Miles to answer.

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  • Rei July 28, 2011, 12:21 pm

    This is about as unreasonable as a guy writing in saying, “My date likes playing with her baby nephew. Does she want to trap me into marriage and kids immediately?” The guy’s probably just busy with work or friends or a debaucherous orgy. I mean, seriously.
    Of course, I have a noticed a strange problem among people (mostly women, in my experience) who think that the other person must initiate conversation at all time. So I will say this as loudly as I can over the internet: IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE, START TALKING TO THEM. One text isn’t clingly. 500 texts is.

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  • savannah July 28, 2011, 12:23 pm

    Jarek needs to reel it back a bit, and realize the judgment coming from his advice. It reeks of some barley concealed sex-on-the-first-day shaming. Just because she slept with him on the first date does not mean she’s open for business whenever he’s down, nor does it mean she doesn’t want a relationship out of it.

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    • Mainer July 28, 2011, 1:24 pm

      Oh, I didn’t mean to have that come off as “shaming.” I don’t see anything wrong with sex on the first date (if you count meeting a guy at a bar, getting drunk with him, and taking him home as a “date”). My point was that her behavior was likely a reflection of her mindset. Her mindset being “he’s nice, good looking, and it has been a really long while since I’ve had sex.” Followed with “I didn’t really expect anything to happen.” Now call me crazy, but that mindset – and the subsequent behaviors reflecting that mindset – suggests “casual sexual encounter(s).” There is 100% nothing wrong with that whole scenario, by the way.

      Now, when your mindset goes from that to “eh, I kinda like this guy, maybe I want more” then your behavior is going to change to reflect your mindset (hence, being upset when he hasn’t texted in a few days). But when you do not make your change in mindset clear to this guy, he just sees a change in behavior and gets confused (i.e. her all of a sudden getting upset because they haven’t spoken in a few days).

      SO, my point was that if she changed her mind on how she wanted to approach things with this guy, she should *tell* him. I know it’s silly because guys are suppose to have this amazing mind-reading capability, but – and some studies suggest this is due to global warming – we no longer obtain that skill. An unfortunately de-evolution, if you will, but nonetheless true. This is where the benefit of Outgoing Texts/Calls comes in handy.

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      • PFG-SCR July 28, 2011, 1:34 pm

        I agree with you, mainer – I thought it was odd that she seemed bummed that he didn’t bring her flowers on their first date later that week.

      • SaraiLuv July 29, 2011, 2:19 pm

        Yes! And at least he was paying attention by bringing her a beer he knew she liked. Imagine what she would have said if he brought her flowers she didn’t like. I would have thought it was cute if he brough the beer to me. *shrug*

    • robottapocalypse July 28, 2011, 1:30 pm

      If that’s not what it means, then she totally lied to him by having sex on the first date. I’m pretty sure he’s not shaming her, he’s letting her know that she opened that floodgate with the guy. If she didn’t want to worry about this stuff, she could have chosen not to sleep with him. Encouraging the taking of responsibility for actions and outcomes does not equal shaming unless the action described is something a person should feel shame for doing. At no point did he say “SHAME BE UPON YOU!”

      For men, sexual exploits are generally seen as conquests. After you take fort vagina, it is implied that you can station troops there at will provided it is not flooded. There’s no shame in it, nor does there need to be; but having sex on the first date is a communication of an idea, personality, and sentiment that you can’t really take back without letting a guy know you’re a total psycho.

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      • savannah July 28, 2011, 3:13 pm

        i’m procrastinating writing this article so here goes:
        Shaming by its very nature, the kind I’m talking about, is no where near as explicit as saying “SHAME BE UPON YOU’. You’ve called her a ‘liar’ and a ‘total psycho’ because she slept with him on the first date and doesn’t follow the prescribed ‘idea, personality, and sentiment’ you seem to think goes with that action. That’s a type of the shaming I’m talking about. Name-calling women because they fall out of prescribed notions, which exist even in the age of bootycalls and causal sex.
        Also as much fun as it is to talk about conquests and ‘fort vagina’ what you are saying not seem to jive with the opinions of many women that I know. The idea that once you get in, its some sort of all access free pass to ‘fort vagina’ is frankly alarming.

    • Dennis Hong July 29, 2011, 1:00 pm

      But barley concealment is how you make beer!

      Mmmm… beer….

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      • Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich July 29, 2011, 1:05 pm

        tee hee.

  • artsygirl July 28, 2011, 12:25 pm

    I’M GETTING A TREASURE BATH!!! (History of the World Part I)

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  • Foots July 28, 2011, 12:51 pm

    ” Also, he told me I was a cool girl, that he really liked my laugh, and that he knew he really liked me when I told him I sliced my thumb and he felt concern.” This comment struck me as a bit odd. Could he be saying this to convince himself that he liked you? I mean, why would he even say that to you? Does that mean he shouldn’t feel concern otherwise?

    But the only way to know why he hadn’t contacted you is to contact him…like nothing has happened. Do it once only. If he doesn’t answer, MOA.

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  • SGMcG July 28, 2011, 1:18 pm

    Whenever I heard the phrase “cool girl”, I think that the guy has placed me in casual dating territory. It’s all the enjoyment of dating without the relationship moniker of “boyfriend” and/or “girlfriend” attached. To me, casual dating does not require a text-everyday-obligation as a committed relationship. Casual dating also means that you can also call him and make plans too.

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    • robottapocalypse July 28, 2011, 1:22 pm

      How needy do you have to be to have a text-per-diem requirement? Your grandma got by without daily texts from your grandpa just fine….

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      • silver_dragon_girl July 28, 2011, 1:48 pm

        For me it’s a matter of what I’m used to. If a guy starts out dating me by texting or calling every day, and then suddenly stops, I’ll notice it and assume something is wrong. If he starts out texting/calling every couple days, then it doesn’t matter. But I tend to notice any changes in his habits pretty quickly, and to me, it’s usually a sign that it’s not going to work out/he’s losing interest.

      • SGMcG July 28, 2011, 2:55 pm

        Maybe the LW has a text-per-day requirement for her committed relationships? Different women have different ideals of what a committed relationship entails. I personally don’t have a text-per-day requirement with my husband and we get along just fine.

        Although assessing her validity regarding what she feels are ideal texting times with this guy is kind of futile, when you consider that they didn’t even have the “What are we to each other?” conversation yet. Heck, they have yet to even go on a date that’s initiated by her first! The LW needs to get that in check first before she goes into these wild speculations.

  • robottapocalypse July 28, 2011, 1:20 pm

    BGM is a winner.

    I just wonder why women like the LW assume it is the man’s job to do all reaching out, and all coordination. She’s being lazy and oversensitive.

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  • Riefer July 28, 2011, 1:42 pm

    Hahahahaha. I love how all the guys gave basically the same answer: “Uhhh… why don’t you just text/call him?”

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  • LTC039 July 28, 2011, 12:58 pm

    I agree with most of the panel. I think enough initiation on his part has taken place & it’s time for you do move it along! He’s probably waiting to see if you initiate something. When I first started dating my boyfriend he would text/call once every 2 two days. I was totally ok with that because I would’ve been sooo turned off had he been obsessively texting me everyday. In fact, just before him I went on one date with this guy & he was a stage five clinger! He would text me all friken day & demand to see me everyday. Well, I was so grossed out by him almost immediately.
    Call him & initiate plans. If he really is only interested in the cookie, well that will eventually come to light. Play it cool girl!

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  • mcj2011 July 28, 2011, 2:26 pm

    I didn’t even read all the guy responses but this woman is infuriating. You are dating him, he’s taken you out, bought you things, called you, texted you..all these things should be considered dating!!!! You are very capable of picking up the phone to call him if perhaps he’s had a busy week. I’m pretty sure he already called you by the time the letter was submitted & you are feeling sort of bad for sending it in the first place!

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    Budjer July 28, 2011, 2:27 pm

    He is waiting for you to initiate some contact. Your lack of initiating contact is either making him feel clingy or doubt your interest at all….and flowers on the first date?! Several girls have told me that scares them or implies something more serious than a casual date when guys do that, so yea, you are definitely reading into that one…unless a guy knows a girl fairly well ahead of the date flowers is a risky venture. I’d go as far as saying that buying the same beer the second rendez-vous was probably more of a clever ploy to show you he “remembered” things about your previous hang out so that you didn’t get the impression he was only interested in JUST the ol’ “in-out.” freaking text him or something.

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    Elizabeth July 28, 2011, 2:29 pm

    Step away from your phone.
    Take a deep breath
    Eat a piece of chocolate.
    Relish the warm flavor.
    AND BE HAPPY THAT THIS GUY IS TOTALLY AWESOME ABOUT PLANNING DATES! beer instead of flowers? great and funny way to cut the awkward ‘we’ve done it, but haven’t gone on a date yet, date.’ AND he made you dinner: effort! thoughtfulness!
    It’s your turn to plan the next date. Go groupon some cool experience like jetskiing or paddleboating or underwater basketweaving and CALL his a$$ up!

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  • AKchic July 28, 2011, 5:13 pm

    Art – I give you major bonus points for the Mel Brooks reference. Totally awesome. You are a hero among nerds, my friend 🙂

    Honey – you are overthinking this and honestly, it’s not all up to the guy to keep a relationship (however tenuous) going. Call him for once. Maybe he’s seeing if YOU are into HIM since he initiates all the damned contact (or, at least that’s how it seems from this letter). Call him, not text him. Voice contact is better than text.

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  • HmC July 28, 2011, 7:04 pm

    LW- You are overreacting. Calm down girl. I understand that when you’re dating, it’s natural to glom onto any tiny signs that he is or isn’t into you in order to gauge interest and possibly avoid heartbreak. But it’s only been a few days! Would you really want someone you just met to contact you constantly? Don’t you have things to do?

    I think your solution here is to ask him out, since it seems to be your turn. If he acts weird at that point, or disappears, then you have your answer. If things continue in a happy momentum, then great. There’s no answer to be had right now. With dating, sometimes you just have to wait and see. Occupy your mind with something else if you have to- work, hobbies, friends. Remember those? Don’t neglect them just because you met a guy.

    Bottom line- if you guys like each other and the timing is right, it will work out. If he changes his mind or it turns out he never really liked you, there’s nothing you can do about that anyway. There’s so much about dating that you can’t control, so don’t get all tied up in knots trying to control it or understand something that still needs time to form.

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    Heather July 28, 2011, 10:53 pm

    This entire letter just screams first world problems to me.

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  • Red_Lady July 28, 2011, 11:37 pm

    I love Art’s response!
    Seriously girl, call him! He’s probably thinking you aren’t that interested if he’s the one putting in all the effort. (And btw, I think that’s pretty amazing that he has already put some major effort into planning all those dates. Sounds like a great guy!)

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  • Neil July 29, 2011, 11:20 am

    “Here… wash this!”

    Anyway, sounds to me like maybe he’s feeling like some reciprocity is due. From what I can tell he’s taken her on a handful of dates, he’s initiated almost all of the contact and he’s the one that’s put forth almost all of the effort. If he’s backing off chances are he’s waiting to see if she’s willing to put forth any effort of her own. It’s about give and take and so far he’s done pretty much all of the giving and she’s been doing all of the taking.

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  • moron July 30, 2011, 1:48 pm

    You took him home to your place. Was his wife home with the kids at his place?

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  • El Jefe July 30, 2011, 1:59 pm

    “I’m a firm believer that if he’s interested, he would want to get a hold of me. Even if he was busy, he could have texted to say hello.” What if he believes the same about you? What’s your excuse for not contacting him?

    Maybe he got hit by a car and is laid up in the hospital, but it’s all about me-me-me-me-me. You could have called him in less time than it took to email Dear Wendy.

    Go make it happen.

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  • George B July 30, 2011, 2:00 pm

    Maybe he just isn’t trying to be pushy. You say that he mentioned that he liked your laugh and that he generally enjoyed being around you and that you were fun. Have you told him that there is anything you really like about him? If you are waiting for everything to come from him to you but aren’t giving him any positive feedback, he might have the notion that you just aren’t that interested. If he “drifts away” a bit and you don’t contact him at all, he could well get the notion that he just doesn’t “do it” for you and he is being polite by not hounding you.

    On the other hand, you shouldn’t get too clingy or smothering. Just a single “hey, thinking about you, want to get together soon?” might be enough to signal to him that you are generally interested. Several text messages per day might send him running away, though.

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  • Joshua R. Poulson July 30, 2011, 2:18 pm

    Isn’t it interesting that this post was all about his behavior and not about hers after she brought him home that first night?

    What is the reason he would continue being interested if, after that night of sex, you did nothing interesting?

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  • Howard Roark July 30, 2011, 4:01 pm

    Do many women NOT know that many, many young men primarily want sex. Many, many young women want intimacy. Therefore many, many young men will mimick intimacy for as long as it takes to have sex.

    Intimacy is developed through time, proximity, and deferred sex. If either party takes a shortcut you will stay in the prolonged mimicry stage.

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  • Comment Monster July 30, 2011, 8:54 pm

    This girl is a hot neurotic mess. I hope the guy’s spidey sense is tingling.

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  • ErikZ July 30, 2011, 11:32 pm

    Seek therapy. You’ve been given a great guy on a silver platter and you’re already sabotaging the relationship.

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  • Gans December 31, 2011, 11:38 am

    Hello to you all!
    I need an honest answer from anyone if this guy really like me? I walk in to a bank as a normal customer, I saw this guy who works in the bank,i catch him looking at me I looked back at he looked at me again. From there I liked him straight away.i came back another few times into the bank as a normal customer again I looked at him he then looked at me.there was a that I know who work in the soame bank as a security gard, I went up to him talking to him the other day,while talking to the security gard the guy I had a crush on walked passe us and said be care that guy he like talking to women in a joke! I laught. He again smiled at me the other day I to the bank talking to the security gard

    I then ask the security gard the guy that I had a crush on if he is married or in a relationship be I like him and I don’t know how to tell him. The security guy told he can tell that I like him if want. Then I told him to go ahead and tell him and he finally told him that I like him then the guy that I had a crush on told the security that he made his day after telling that someone like him after having a bad day at work. I thencame back in to the bank to ask the secrity gard about what he said after telling him that I like him. The security gard offer to call him to day hello to him we daked hands and talked for a minute and askef him if got my message he told me yes I told him thats Iii whennt.he told me he is going for chrismas to his mum and he hope to see me when he get back fifm chrismas. I went back in to the bank as a normal customer with my friend did while he was going out for his launche break I asked him how was his chrismas he told me it great and he asked me too.i went back into the bank as a normal customer the next day I joined da que he wad serving another customer I looked at me and said hi in a low voice igot served and went back home home I tell the security gard that he still did not ask for my number . I told the security to asked him iif he like me or not because I fancied him and a date with him,he told the security guy that he think that I am a nice looking girl then he took my number from the security gard yesterday now I am still waiting for his call. Do you know if he is interested or not am cnfused


    I then asked the security gard

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  • G May 23, 2012, 5:56 pm

    I can relate a bit with your dilemma but I suggest texting him first to gauge his interest.

    My situation is a bit different didnt have sex with the guy I was dating till almost 2 years. Started out as a date, friendship, and now we are kinda in a fwb situation without the consistency of sex because I realize that I want more a relationship than something just sexual.

    So, now I am trying to come up with the right words to say and the way to go about bringing up my change of mind and moving us back to square one in the intimacy department.

    Any suggestions???

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