His Take: “Why Do Guys Rebound With Girls Who Are a Step Down?”

His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I dated a guy for a several months. He broke up with me out of the blue. I wasn’t too happy about our break-up. We had a lot in common, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I implemented the “no contact” rule. He has made attempts to get into contact with me, but only with text messaging. Like, we were in a bar at the same time the whole night and he acted flirty, but, after I went home, he sent me some rude text messages.

He called me “facetious,” saying I lied about “happenings” in our relationship. I asked him what I lied about, and got no response. So I blocked and deleted him from my phone, Facebook, and Snapchat. He has tried on other occasions to contact me, but he won’t talk me in person.

About a week after the bar incident, he got a new girlfriend. A mutual friend told me. We live in a small town, so everyone knows everyone. This girl comes from a very drama-filled family. She has a very low-paying job and a child from a previous relationship (she admits to getting pregnant to make the guy stay, but he didn’t). The girl is severely overweight (my ex is a petite guy), looks like a drag queen, doesn’t have any friends or a social life, yada yada.

My question is: why do men sometimes leave a woman and then go and date someone who is several steps down from the woman they left? I’m not trying to be conceited. I truly want to know. Because I know at least three or four of my girlfriends to whom this happened to recently.

I’m smart, I have a great, great job, I am athletic and adventurous, I volunteer, and I have a wide network of friends. And yet, my boyfriend dumps me and turns around two months later and is with another girl. He brings her knick-knacks, and he spends time with her family.

Can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down? Is it possible he is dating her to get back at me? Do men revenge-date? — A Few Steps Above

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Brian:What bothers me more than the utter nastiness of your attitude toward the new girlfriend, a total stranger, is the seeming contradictions in the two situations: your former relationship and his current one.

First, he seems to have broken up with you but the details you offered about that doomed relationship are about 1/100th as in-depth as the ones you gave us about the new girlfriend. Why did he break up with you? Why is he so frustrated? The most plausible explanation is that he wanted an FWB and you refused; good move on your part.

His current relationship reads loud and clear as a rebound attempt, even when we look at it from a neutral perspective (i.e. someone who doesn’t want to disparage a total strange for no reason). He’s rushing into it, they quickly went public with the relationship, he’s still seemingly interested in you, etc. — all of that sounds like a rebound, or at least a casual “relationship.” She’s probably totally in the dark and…

…you know what? I’m gonna stop right there because why do you even care about any of this? If this guy is as much of a shitbag as you present him to us, then don’t waste any more of your time wondering about his life. You already deleted his contact from your phone and his Snapchat dick pics and all that newfangled jazz; now you have to take the real plunge: willing yourself, cold turkey, to ignore his very existence.

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Diablo Your letter tells me more about you than your ex or his new girl. It would be hard work dating someone who thinks that she is “several steps above” other people. Just on principle, that is unattractive. We are all a mixture of qualities. We are all perfect for someone.

For a “superior” woman, you are quite mean and petty. You describe your ex’s new girl as “several steps below” you, “bat crap crazy,” “seriously overweight,” “looks like a drag queen.” You denigrate her because she has a child and a low paying job, like lots of single mothers deserving support and sympathy.

You need to do some work on you, starting with the unfortunate idea that you are better than anybody. The guys I’ve known don’t “revenge date.” However, they do sometimes date people for fun, just to have some companionship and maybe get laid, particularly on the rebound. Have you considered that he may actually like the girl, and enjoy her company? Maybe she doesn’t feel like “several steps down” to him.


Drew: Please do not repeat anything you said in this letter to another human being. You are better than this. I say that because, apparently, you’re smart, you have a great job and a wide network of friends. Whatever the fuck that means. So quit worrying about your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend. And if you ever want to move on and meet someone new, you might want to stop acting “several steps down” from the person you claim to be.


  1. TheRascal says:

    “But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down?”
    Who are you to determine that you are so much above this other person? Get over yourself, please. Does it make you feel better to harbor all this negativity? Are you trying to soothe your own hurt feelings by putting someone else down? Yes. Duh. It’s obvious. And bratty. And immature.
    I agree with what Diablo says: “Your letter tells me more about you than your ex or his new girl. It would be hard work dating someone who thinks that she is “several steps above” other people.”

    1. Let’s get real, men don’t have standards and they are desperate to get laid. He’s doing what most grown adult child-like men do, and is using a new vagina as a band aid to cry into. He saved this girl the time of finding out he’s a loser and is sticking it raw into a Wish version of her. She is delusional thinking the man has an ounce of decency and most women are so insecure they are brought up to think men are better than them. News flash ladies, guys barely wash their ass with a washcloth or wash their hands after they use the restroom.

  2. Sunshine Brite says:

    Wow, maybe people prefer divas over the wicked witches. Either way, it doesn’t affect you so why do you care so much?

    1. It’s like the musical Wicked!!!! Glinda always got the guy!!!! Well…almost always…

  3. Oh, honey. You may not be trying to be conceited…but you are.

    1. Let me try to give some advice here. Never refer to someone as “several steps down”. Eradicate that mindset, seriously. (Unless said person is a murderer or something, but I digress). People are complicated. You may have a better job but she may be more concerned with spending time with her child. Neither of these make either of you better than the other. Just different. So knock that shit off.
      As for why he’s dating her…who knows? Maybe he just is using her to get laid and will dump her in six weeks. Maybe they’ll get married. Regardless – it doesn’t matter. The relationship is over. You’ve been stung and you’re upset (I’m guessing you’re usually the dumper, not the dumpee). Be upset! Cry to your friends. Eat too much ice cream. Get a massage. Run. Do something – ANYTHING – but focus on him and his new girlfriend. Because if you don’t? That’ll just make you bitter. And nobody wants to date that.

      1. While I agree that no one is inherently better than anyone else (several steps down is the wrong choice of words) some people have more to offer than others. And I think we can all agree on that. What the author meant is she believes she has a lot to offer in a relationship, so she wants to know why her ex is with someone who appears to be the opposite of her. There are a few reasons why this happens, the most common ones I see are either wanting someone easy and low-stakes (I.e., rebound), genuinely not having time for a relationship so needing someone who is similar, not being able to get anyone else (maybe he tried and she’s the only one who will date him), or starting off with her for any of these reasons but eventually falling in love with her. I was in a similar position as the author – my ex actually said he regrets breaking up with me and that all of his friends warned him that he’d regret it because they think I am kind, intelligent, and beautiful. He tried to date women similar to me but he could only get someone who appears “low value”.

      2. Fortunately for daters of either sex, everyone has their own unique measuring stick for what constitutes a great match for themselves. Since he dumped LW, her many outstanding characteristics didn’t score high by his measure. He moved on after a couple months. New gf possibly ticks of more of his boxes.

  4. “But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down? ”

    LW, I think you and I (and most people) have a different definition of “great girl”. If you want to attract a great person, then BE a great person. Stop saying such ugly and hateful things about other people. Get a fucking hobby so you stop worrying about Facebook so much. I’d suggest charity work.

    1. TheRascal says:

      “If you want to attract a great person, then BE a great person. Stop saying such ugly and hateful things about other people.” SO spot on.

    2. So this has happened to me and most of my friends repeatedly. I have yet to see an ex so better than me and believe me I want them to. Bc showing up with less just makes me look like less for having dated them. So I think the women who can’t empathize with this are either “less” themselves or just being as ugly and catty as they are accusing the author. It sucks when this happens bc when you’ve worked hard to build a career, yourself as a person inside/out, and are generally considered “a catch” you don’t understand why the men choose women that most would not. Of course we all have our own positive qualities and it goes farther than looks. But when you check pretty much all the boxes it leaves you baffled and confused as to why they choose someone else who didn’t. And while what she’s saying may seem conceited what it really leaves you with is a feeling of “what is wrong with me” and “why am I not enough.” When it comes down to is he wanted something easier, and safer. Not everyone can ride to the challenge of leveling up to what you have to offer. Not everyone deserves what you have to offer. He didn’t. Be grateful he chose less… so you can find more. know your worth. Anyone who calls that conceited doesn’t know their own.

  5. Oy vey. What the dudes said.

  6. OK, I am going to take a different approach. Frankly, no one answered your question. Usually, if you see someone with a bunch of culturally bad baggage (low earning potential, weight issues, bad past relationships, ect) they make up for it with being really grateful to be in the relationship. They show how much they appreciate the guy. They fawn over him and make him feel needed. There isn’t the feeling that the guy should feel so lucky to be with her. Also, maybe she is crazy in the sack.

    1. RedroverRedrover says:

      Love this for “crazy in the sack”.

    2. Or, here’s a crazy thought…maybe she’s a nice person? There’s a bunch of qualities that people look for in a mate. The examples you list (low earning potential, weight issues, bad past relationships) are things that are 1) true of a lot of people and 2) not things that make people unlovable, so I don’t think people with those traits are just feeling soooo grateful for someone to be paying attention to them. I don’t give a shit what you look like or how much you make, if you find someone who loves you, you should be grateful.

      I just don’t think this LW’s ego needs any more stroking.

      1. Yeah I agree. This LW doesn’t seem to need any additional help judging other people.

      2. so here is the thing. She is over analyzing her breakup. She is looking at her replacement. This letter might sound rough but after getting dumped, I don’t know if I wouldn’t judge the heck out of my replacement.

      3. But what she’s doing isn’t helpful. And that’s what people are trying to remind her of. Judge away, but at the end of the day picking apart the person your ex is dating does nothing for you. It’s not going to give you an answer to why the person broke up with you. And honestly it sounds like she has terrible self esteem because she really wants to potentially date this guy again?

      4. So I agree unless this kind of search leads you to personal growth. When my SIL got divorced, she really looked at what she contributed to her breakup. Even though he cheated, she processed everything and is a better partner in her new relationship. She would have acted the same had she learned nothing from that.

      5. but judging someone else does nothing for personal growth. it just provides a way to avoid it.

      6. or maybe this is the lightbulb she needs. Maybe she will see a reflection in this past relationship that she wasn’t showing these things. She can’t see what this person is bringing to the table and everyone being mean doesn’t give her any real insight.

      7. I don’t think people are being mean. A bit harsh, sure, but not mean. I’m usually all about sympathy to the LWs but in this case, she’s talking so horribly about a girl who sounds like she’s had a pretty tough life. I think as far as the internet goes, DW commenters are pretty kind. Maybe the response she’s getting will help her to think twice before saying such nasty things about someone else.
        I just get super frustrated with a woman being nasty to another woman over a crappy guy.

      8. I just think that no one actually answered her question, they just judged her for the way she asked it. I know that there should be more female solidarity and I appreciate your anger. But just like a job that you were rejected for, there is a reason that they didn’t work out. Learning that reason can better help you the next go around.

      9. My question is: why do men sometimes leave a woman and then go and date someone who is several steps down from the woman they left?

        Nobody answered that question because it wasn’t a valid question. “Several steps down” aside from being rude is completely subjective. Nobody but the guy in question can answer that question for her. So instead, we focused on challenging her premise that she is “several steps” above another woman.
        I agree it’s helpful to know why your relationship didn’t work out but none of us can tell her that. Besides, she barely told us about her relationship with him.

  7. Does it matter why he chose her after you? Maybe instead of questioning why people date someone else after they date you, you should ask yourself why your relationship ended. Maybe work on judging other people less and honestly this guy is not a catch. He’s talking to you while ‘in a relationship’ with someone else. Do you really want to talk to him in a few months? Really? That’s what you want? Focus on yourself more and on other people less.

    1. Real Woman says:

      I think he may have felt you were out of his league. He may have felt “beautiful” women who have alot going for themselves can be taken away from him by other men. This woman sounds like she would be extremely happy if any man shows her attention so she probably showers him with love and appreciation. With her, he is a king and out of her league. With you, he feels like a servant or low class citizen. He probably didnt come around your family because he felt everyone would have this same view of him and it made him feel insecure. Same with facebook. If he post you on there, he felt insecure that men would begin contacting you and that you might leave him for someone in your league. Maybe you didnt make this guy feel he could trust you but that’s not your fault. He sounds very insecure with his self image. He should have communicated with you his insecurities but most men dont. They just move on to the next woman, leaving a million questions unanswered. What you dont want is an insecure man. When a man dates a “shrek” woman after you, it is embarrassing and you cant rationalize why it seems like some men dont like attractive women. Not saying she isn’t attractive in many other ways but as far as appearance she doesnt sound like shes a super model. While you are single, work on your own self improvement also. You aren’t perfect either and unless you want this same thing to happen to you again, you must change something about yourself. Good luck

      1. Y’all need to stop being so hateful about other women’s looks. Calling someone a “shrek woman” is hateful and rude. Beauty is subjective, and just because you don’t find someone attractive doesn’t mean everyone else will also think they’re hideous.

      2. Sue Jones says:

        Exactly. When I was young and dating and a medical student there were men who either supported my ambition and were secure enough in themselves … and there were men who were totally insecure and who tried to tear me down. Guess which guys always cheated on me? Yep, the Fuckwit losers. And they cheated on me with women who scrubbed toilets for a living, on welfare, food stamps, etc. Needy women. Because they were easy and gave these weak insecure men a self esteem boost. Now married for 27 years but man those early rejections still stung.

        I think y’all are harsh on the LW. It was actually very hard being a single successful professional woman out there dating. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met my husband.

      3. I don’t think I’ve read something this gross in a long time. There is nothing wrong with scrubbing toilets for a living. Someone has to do it so your pristine ass has somewhere to shit. And honestly, people who do this work and put up with assholes like you deserve a real, living wage.

        Attitudes like yours are what’s wrong with the world.

      4. Have we ever heard a woman (or man) say anything like “sorry my relationship ended, but s/he he definitely trade up”. The “why did the guy who dumped me date a woman who’s a step down from me” is just saving friends. And friends of the dumped who say that? They likely share the same values, opinions, approach to life as their friend and see that as perfect, while it wasn’t what the ex was seeking.

      5. You said “Shrek” Lol

      6. Green Eyed Lady says:

        You nailed it! I’m going through the same thing right now, and he’s actually admitted that he doesn’t have to worry about his coworkers and friends trying to hit on the less attractive woman like he did with me, even though I was always faithful, so he finds it’s easier to be with her.

  8. I’m sure if anyone lined up my ex boyfriends, rebounds, FWBs, etc, it would look all over the map. Height, weight, hair color, eye color, job status, social status, religion, and every other detail is all over the place. The only connecting thread is that these were all guys who I enjoyed spending time with and found easy to talk to. Attraction is obviously important to a relationship, but physical appearance is just one of many factors.

    Oh and drag queens are fucking fierce. I would kill to have their skills.

  9. I absolutely loved Diablo’s response. And Drew’s. As for Brian’s, maybe is a rebound relationship, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. There are tons of people who are in relationships, something isn’t working, break up and quickly move on and end up with the next person. I actually think that happens a lot. Or, I’ve seen it happen a lot. Then again, maybe this is a rebound. But as every single one of the guys said… who the fuck cares? It’s not the LW’s business or problem any more.

    1. Brian Fairbanks says:

      Then why is he still (clearly) interested in her? We only get LW’s side of the story anyway, but it sounds like he’s not over her necessarily.

      1. You’re being sarcastic right? Did I not get the sarcasm the first go?

  10. Ugh LW, I know you say you’re not trying to be “conceited” but there isn’t really a way to ask the question you are in a non-conceited way. People aren’t so simple they fit into convenient levels of acceptability, especially when it comes to something as complicated as relationship compatibility. You seem to know an awful lot about the inner workings of your ex’s relationship, given that you are supposedly ignoring him. Perhaps you are not on as high of a step as you seem to think.

  11. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    The guys are all wrong. LW: It’s because strong, beautiful, amazing women with the whole package like you are too intimidating to men. He recognized your beauty and strength but was too much of a coward and was not strong enough to be the man you deserve. That’s why.

    (Hahaha, you know all her tons and tons of friends are saying that RIGHT NOW AS AS WE SPEAK.)

  12. Why is he in a relationship with a new girl? I’d guess it’s because he was single, she was single and he likes her.
    But she’s not as pretty as me, or as thin as me, and she doesn’t have any money, and she has a kid! Oh, and her family is total trash! Why would he date someone like that? Superficial things like looks and money and pedigree aren’t the most important thing to a lot of people. Some people care more about qualities like kindness, genuineness, sincerity, and thoughtfulness, and I’d wager that the new girl outshines you in all of them.
    Seriously, LW, I hope the responses you are getting to this letter make you do some real soul-searching and self-improvement because your current attitude is just sad and unspeakably ugly.

  13. I think your self-confidence took a hit because of this break up and now you’re looking for some kind of reassurance that you’re higher up in the hierarchy than your ex’s new girlfriend. But you’re looking in the wrong place – putting another woman down won’t help you feel better. Honestly your ex probably just has a different taste than you. The fact that he broke up with you and is dating another woman now doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. It just means that for your ex things weren’t quite right. There are other people out there who will like you for who you are and you should try to build up some self-confidence that doesn’t rely on seeing other people as lesser than.

  14. See, now I feel sorry for the LW. We’re all being very sharp, including me, and I didn’t realize wen i wrote my bit how much more piling on would happen. She’s hurting. She sees herself as a great girl, and there’s nothing too wrong with that. She wants reasons. LW, sometimes there are no reasons. Things just don’t work out and there is no “math” you can do to calculate the “area under the curve” for why he did not want to be with you. You could be a nightmare of ego, or you could be a nice person who didn’t think hard enough about how this letter would sound. Focus on being a great person and you’ll find someone who wants to be with you. Sorry if my response was hurtful.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Ah man, now I feel bad too. But… I dunno, she has a lot of nasty nasty-nast for the new girl. That is making it hard to sympathize with her.

  15. My takeaway from this after my brain shut off from LW’s shallow attitude was about Snapchat. Lol.
    Last February my ex and I had this conversation:
    Him: Yeah, my friend lectures at high schools about social media: Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat-
    Me: What is Snapchat?
    Him: Blank stare
    Me: We’re old. Let’s call my little brother…

  16. Bittergaymark says:

    LW, she apparently looks as ugly as you sound.

  17. He’s dating this girl for the same reason anyone dates anyone: he likes her. Why does he like her? That’s not something you should concern yourself with. He just does. Granted, getting pregnant to make a guy stay is not a good reason, but that doesn’t make her a bad person. It makes her a person who made a bad decision, and who hasn’t done that? (Although, I must take anyone to task who calls herself a diva. Divas are tiresome. Isn’t that right, LW?) You need to just forget about it and move on with your life.

    1. Simonthegrey says:

      We also don’t know how old she was when she made that choice; I would think less badly of a 16 or 17 or even 20 year old doing it than I would a 25, 30, or 35 year old.

  18. I would also like to say that I love when Guy Friday answers things, not only because his answers tend to make sense to me, but also because I get to see his magnificent avatar.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      do you ever read things really fast – so fast you read things wrong the first time? – i do. always. in fact, if i just slowed down and read carefully the first time, i wouldn’t have to re-read things 4 times to understand them. anyway, i kept seeing your words as “Guy Friday’s magnificent vibrator” and i kept thinking “WHAT? WHERE? WHY?”

      1. HAHAHA!!! I can see where your mind is, today!

  19. findingtheearth says:

    Maybe he purposely sought out behaviors and characteristics that are different than you because he wanted a change. Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe it was neither of those reasons. I do feel bad for you LW, we are taught to hate the people that replace us, because if you were so wonderful he would never have left you, right? But relationships end. Use the time to find more hobbies, new people, and new places.

  20. I don’t know. I think a lot of people have asked this question. Maybe not out loud, but have thought, “why is he with her?” Yeah, you shouldn’t judge others like that, but people do. For example, I’ve asked for advice regarding a guy I wasted a lot of time on in the past and how he has this new girlfriend. And I think she’s a cute girl but with an ugly personality. For a while, it was hard to not compare myself to her and basically think I was better than her, but eventually I realized he’s with because he’s with her and he must love her and he must love certain things about her. And he doesn’t love me. But I would be a big fat liar if I told you that I didn’t judge her and thought, “this girl is crazy, why is he with her?” when she had a complete public meltdown about one of our mutual friends going on a trip with me, and also shoulder bumped me at another function we both were invited to (who does that though? Honestly?? Especially when I wasn’t doing anything but standing at the bar area with a gal pal). Obviously I didn’t say anything to her or even react at all when she shoulder bumped me, but I sure thought some not-so-nice things in my head about her as well as him. So idk. I guess I can get the LW’s thought process. Idk.

  21. Drew said it best. Short and sweet.

    Lw, You are stuck on this because you view this girl as beneath you and think the fact he is with her somehow reflects on you in a less than favorable way… It doesn’t…

    Also your standoffishness with making it official may have contributed to the break up because that mixed with a high opinion of one’s self can be misconstrued as arrogance (and maybe it is…?). It’s great you have a high self-image since many people suffer the opposite, but tempering the way your portray it outwardly might help a lot in your future romantic endeavors.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:


      budjy poo? is that you?

    2. I lurk from time to time… Work network blocked dw categorizing it as “adult content” Haha.

      Phone typing is a pain in the bum.

  22. I am a whisker away from busting out the c word on this LW. It will not take much to push me over the line. Just… WOW.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      (i heard the LW said a mean thing about your mom…)

  23. LW, I’ve been in a similar situation and I can see where you are coming from. My ex, who I was with for over a year, picked up with a girl (who I am 90% sure he was cheating with in the last few weeks of our relationship) after I ended things with him. This girl was the definition of white trash. They are apparently still together, over 3 years later, and the way I look at is trash begets trash. In your case, it sounds like the guy is decent, but its possible this girl has been after him for awhile, and he likes/needs the attention and drama that she supplies.

  24. Lily in NYC says:

    Wowza. Here’s the thing: the qualities you mention about yourself as being so great are things many women look for in a man, but not vice versa. The men I know don’t give a crap about if a woman they like volunteers or has lots of friends. Of course I am generalizing, but they just want a person who makes them feel good about themselves and accepts them for who they are. If I had a dime for every time one of my friends convinced herself some guy she liked wasn’t making a move because he was “so intimidated” by her amazing job, personality and looks. Total BS!!! Who know why he picked her? Maybe you were critical and tried to get him to change. Maybe you aren’t very nice (ahem). It doesn’t matter. He chose her. And you sound like a gossipy mean-girl.

    1. Skyblossom says:

      I think there’s a lot of merit to this idea. Men and women are often looking for different qualities in a partner.

      Maybe your friend group didn’t feel welcoming or he didn’t like the dynamic of it while she may be happy to spend more time with him doing what he likes to do or hanging out with his friends.

      Maybe she has more of the same interests as him so he doesn’t feel compelled to do things he finds boring.

      You said that he accused you of lying. Did you? Could he have found out something about you that made him feel you were dishonest? Your income and attractive body don’t compensate for lies.

      Maybe she makes him feel more needed and more valued than he felt with you.

      Maybe her family is more excited about him and likes him more than your family did.

      None of these things has anything to do with income or physical attractiveness but they can make or break a relationship

  25. I think this is a legitimate question, maybe just worded the wrong way. LW is seeing a pattern of ex-boyfriends of herself and her friends moving on with girls that are much different. It’s easy to think that yourself and your friends are a good catch, because you should have confidence in yourself, and if you think your friends are no good, then why would you be friends with them? Isn’t it pretty common that a person has the qualities that they value, and surrounds themselves with friends who also exhibit those qualities? It’s also easy to think of people that don’t have those same qualities as “inferior”. Of course, you’d never say that out loud, but who doesn’t think that? Or am I just a horrible person? I mean, seriously, who has never silently judged others? This girl just happened to write it down and send it in anonymously to an advice column, wanting to get some insight on her thoughts.

    1. Lily in NYC says:

      I think the difference is self-awareness. When I have silently judged someone, I always know it comes from a place of anger or insecurity. I wouldn’t dream of verbalizing it (even anonymously) because I know it’s awful and unfair and probably untrue. In addition, there’s judging and then there’s spiteful nastiness. This was the latter.

    2. So, I judge people. And I often think “wow, I’m way prettier/skinnier/smarter/insert whatever adjective here.” The thing is, if someone I’ve dated or I’m interested in chose somebody else and didn’t choose me, I would think, well, if he’s interested in that person no wonder he doesn’t like me. And it might not even be superficial. Maybe that person was sportier. I suck at sports and don’t pretend otherwise. Or maybe they just had more in common.
      I guess the older I get, the more I realize it’s pointless to dwell on this kind of stuff because people are who they are. They like who or what they like. If that’s not you, be happy that you’re fee to find the person who does like you.

  26. Oh man, I kinda don’t even want to admit this. But I’ve felt this way with every ex and his new girlfriend (which always happened right away). I mean, for the record I didn’t think the terrible things the LW has said, but I did think damn, I’m way prettier. And the first thing I thought is “what’s wrong with me?” I felt like the common denominator and it made me take a deep look at myself and why I wasn’t attracting what I wanted. For me, I was a pushover. I wouldn’t open up at all. It makes sense to me now, but at the time I was thinking about superficial things. And for me I know I’ve used my attractiveness as an advantage when I didn’t have much else to offer.
    And LW, I don’t think you have high self esteem. Your letter comes across as very insecure, and lacking awareness. Often times, it’s you who has to change.

  27. I’m not sure what to add to this discussion. I agree with pretty much every thing shared here. But I will say that I’ve also often been in the LW position – thinking being pretty, a great job and friends made me a perfect significant other. What I realized is in order for me to have a great relationship I had to both create the open time in my life for one and be open to having them contribute things to the relationship that I wasn’t doing on my own. Didn’t so much matter if that was checking out my car, chopping firewood or making dinner regularly but everyone wants to feel important in their relationship. So let go of what’s bugging you with this. And focus on not only becoming the person you would want to be with but make sure there’s space in your life for someone to be that person.

    1. This is a great answer! I hope the LW reads to the bottom of the thread.

  28. Sue Jones says:

    Sometimes a guy rebounds on the first easiest thing that comes along. Perhaps this girl was low hanging fruit. The old saying “women mourn, men replace” holds true. And then there is the “anyone but you” factor. I had a guy do this to me. I had just gotten my medical license, his life wasn’t going so well, so he had to cheat on me to bolster his insecurity. And all of the women he cheated on me with were overweight with low self-esteem and had nothing else going on in their lives… they all seemed to clean houses for a living. Glad to be married now to someone who isn’t insecure.

  29. Honestly, the stuff that you are listing as “step-down” qualities are pretty superficial. Maybe he has better chemistry with her? Maybe she has some inner qualities that he enjoys? I heard once that men cheat with women that aren’t necessarily more attractive than their partners, but tend to cheat with women that make them feel important and good about themselves. Maybe that is the case here?

  30. monkey's mommy says:

    OP, the former low earning single mom that married a great catch, my first instinct is to rip your ass apart; however the bread winning, calmer me is going to answer your question. She likely makes up for her short comings. She makes him feel appreciated; your smart, good looking, conceited ass probably didn’t. She is claiming him, integrating him into her family, etc, instead of expecting him to do all the work and make all the moves. He’s frustrated with you because you are too much about you to be about him. And that is why he chose her, dear.

    PS… The hottest chick can be ugly with an attitude like yours.

  31. What’s wrong with looking like a drag queen?

  32. Avatar photo something random says:

    I liked all the men’s advice but Drew’s was my favorite. Funny wins me over every time.

    LW, What stuck me about this letter was how gossipy it felt. How on earth do you know fact from fiction? Everything you mentioned except for the weight sounded like middle school rumors. I mean word gets around town but most adults take these things at face value. I think you need to spend less time on Facebook and more time getting to know people in person. This will prohibit you from spending all your time idly speculating about men that should no longer matter (you weren’t even couple, you just dated awhile). It will also help your judgments to be more credible as they will be based on your own firsthand experience. After a while you may even be able to critically review yourself enough to attain some personal growth. Try it and good luck.

  33. First, I hope this letter is just you venting and that, like Drew said, you have not shared your views with anyone else, because it will only be bad for you. I hope you realize the way you talk about someone else reflects so much on you and I hope this is just an exaggerated vent.
    Second, I think you need to stop stalking him on FB, seriously. It won’t do you any good and it’s no way to know how someone really feels any way.
    I used to be such a huge social media stalker, really disgusting. But I kinda learned not to look at stuff that I don’t want to see, or that I know will be bad for me. I have an ex that I had SUCH a hard time NOT stalking, but what kept me from doing it was to the fact that if I found out something that hurt me (i.e. that he had a new girlfriend a few months after we broke up) I would feel double shitty that I did that to myself.
    Third, who he is dating now is not a reflection on you, it has nothing to do with you really. After all, he broke up with you because it was not working. Does it really surprise you that he found someone so different? Maybe the timeframe is shady, but well, shit happens, people fall in love, whatever. He didn’t even leave you FOR her, he just met her afterwards.
    I don’t know, it just seems to me that if your life is so great and your friends so awesome, why are you fretting so much about this?

  34. I can’t believe no one’s said ‘he just wasn’t that into you’. Why he’s with this new girl is a question we could ponder for eternity but it sounds like she has something that he was looking for. It sucks to get dumped and it sucks more to see the next person that the dumper is with but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You weren’t right together and now you’re free to find someone else that is looking for what you’ve got to offer.

  35. Go Drew – great response!

  36. Is anybody going to get mad at me if I tell the real reason this happens? So basically a week after the bar incident, he was like man I need to get a new GF asap to make you jealous, and shove everything you wanted him to do, but didn’t in your face (this seems to be working). The way to get a GF like that so quickly is to go for a less attractive girl that you know has had a crush on you.

    1. Yep. My ex posts on Tumblr that she is the love of his life, because he knows I see it. They’ve been together for a month. We are adults.

  37. LW: see how negatively the men responded to your letter? That’s why your boyfriend moved on and likely why he’s with the new chick – you probably want to work on the attitude.
    My ex-husband is now married to someone that everyone tells me doesn’t measure up to me. I’ve met her a few times and we’ve talked and she’s definitely not me. BUT THAT’S WHAT HE WANTED. She’s easier to live with than I was… doesn’t challenge him mentally and thinks he walks on water. Great. He’s happy. So am I.
    Just MOA and let him date whomever he chooses. Not everyone wants an equal partner, some people want to coast. It’s their choice.

  38. I don’t understand all the soapboxing in response to this letter. We ALL have standards by which we JUDGE (yes, I said the J word) potential life partners (and friends, and acquaintances, etc. etc. etc.). You cannot make any decisions for yourself in life unless you have principals and standards and that necessitates making judgments and creating binaries.

    First of all, this guy doesn’t sound like much in the brains department, since he told the LW he didn’t want a girlfriend and then got a new one a week later in their very small town and an even smaller circle. He also sounds disgustingly inconsiderate–he knew he really hurt the LW’s feelings by breaking up with her out of the blue, and instead of respecting her no contact rule so that she could heal, he continued to bother her.

    That said, why are so many people on this thread so self-congratulatory about being non-judgmental? You know as well as I do that you’ve been asked the question “What do you think about so-and-so’s new bf/gf?” and at times, your opinion has not been favorable due to the person’s behavior/associations/status/appearance/whatever. I know everyone has read The Secret and everything, but the fact remains that prior to all this new age pretend positivity bullshit, we were all hardwired to have both positive AND negative feelings about everything in life, including other people. It is normal and okay to not like people, even if the reason makes others uncomfortable (perhaps because they have the same prejudices and don’t want to admit it). I’ve read people on these threads referring to LWs and the “characters” in their letters as assholes, d-bags, deadbeats, perverts, sluts, etc. Those are judgments, guys. I’m not saying any of them are right are wrong, but you (and I–I’m not excluding myself from this because I’m judgmental as fuck) are deciding the values of those people based on their behaviors, treatment of others, careers, choices, (including their choices of activity, clothing, fitness, etc). So when this LW says that the girl her ex is with now is several steps down from her, you know exactly what she means and there’s no point in playing coy and innocent–our society, and indeed many of us, looks at others and places a value on them based on what they contribute. Imagine your brother/sister/son/daughter/best friend bringing around a new SO who is really awful–tacky, tons of baggage, no career, drama llama–you can try to play the saint and say you wouldn’t at least be turned off to this person, but the majority of you know you would be thinking or saying something negative about it after the fact, whether just to your nearest and dearest or (less appropriately) on Facebook or Twitter. It sounds like this new gf does not compare to the LW on this basis, which has the LW feeling duped and upset at the unfairness of the situation. She needs to realize that life is unfair, immature people of all genders make decisions about their love lives based on other things besides their partners’ worthiness (which many commenters have already mentioned and detailed), and that while this girl may be several steps down, it’s not a reflection on the LW so she should move on and up in her own life.

    1. Blackwood says:

      maybe you should try to give LW a call, since it seems you two are meant for each other?
      After all, she feels she’s several steps above her ex’s new GF and you apparently feel the same kind of contempt towards most of the people who posted here.

      1. I dunno. Maybe I’m a horrible person or something but I totally agree with @Ali.

      2. I’m not mad at anyone who posted here. I just think a lot of posters are acting like they’ve never heard of this sentiment before, but it’s a totally normal thing for someone to say “oh she’s out of his league” or “he could do better than her.” Most of us, for example, hope that our kids will find partners who are responsible, motivated, stable and respectful. I think many would take issue if our sons or daughters showed up for Thanksgiving with a loud-mouth, unemployed bigot wearing dirty clothes instead–but as many commenters and Wendy herself said, it’s not the LW’s (or anyone else’s) problem. It’s a judgment–I’m just saying I don’t find it outlandish or evil that she is making it because many of us do the same.

    2. something random says:

      When one writes a letter to Wendy’s guys one is requesting judgement about a situation described, so one shouldn’t be surprised when the men pull out a couple of soapboxes.

      We know nothing about the new girlfriend except what letter writer describes. The question LW asks is for insight in why a guy would break up with a great girl and then go several steps down.
      LW isn’t being criticized for judging. Its because her judgement process sucks.

      First of all, I’m not sure that lw was ever even in a real relationship with “boyfriend”. I think they just dated for “several months” whatever that means. Its probably lw trying to make three or four months sound like more. He stopped dating letter writer because he just didn’t like her that much. That’s the only reason it stops “out of the blue” because “he didn’t want a relationship”. (WITH YOU LW!, HE DIDN’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU)

      At this point most lw’s would have figured they just weren’t right together. Super insecure people who can’t stop obsessing won’t be satisfied by that.

      So two months later they’re making eyes at a bar. But she won’t go home with him and he sends her some stupid drunk texts. Most people would NOT assume that he must be harboring confusing deep feelings and maybe there’s a chance. That was the vibe I got. That she was still interested at this point. That she didn’t see this guy as the ass who had tried for a bootycall and when rejected sent a bunch kiss my ass bullshit texts.

      And remember this is two months after they stopped dating after their “several month” non-relationship.

      So. She finds out he has a new girl. With whom he’s actually in a real relationship. Instead of judging what a creep she was dating before, its this new woman that she doesn’t even know who gets crapped all over. Because letter writer is “a few steps up”. She sounds like her ass is a few steps up from her head.

      LWs judging all the wrong stuff. She’s judging gossip and rumors, and Facebook photos and a bunch of other bullshit items because she’s still so insecure that clearly anyone her non-ex dates has everything to do with her. LW keeps inviting herself into a narrative that doesn’t even include her.
      “Is there such thing as revenge dating” Christ.

      As far as the description of the girlfriend go, I stand by my first post. You can tell someone is fat and wears heavy makeup. But the rest of that crap was just idle gossip and Facebook.

      This has nothing to do with the letter writer being better than anyone. Its like a man who thinks because he’s a nice guy, he’s owed a beautiful piece of ass. We all make judgments but we take it context. We don’t literally believe we know other human being’s values based on our small encounters and observations. Or who someone deserves. Most of us don’t anyway.

      I would have been nicer to this letter writer but attitude begets attitude. I haven’t read through a whole lot of the comments but the guys were more than fair.

      I hope I don’t sound too bitchy when I read this tomorrow. I’m pretty tired. Night all.

    3. This is an old post. But as I cane across it, I must say I agree too with those calling for non-judgement of the poster. She was obviously hurt tremendously, and let’s be real…ANY of us in the sane situation would have the same thoughts, whether we said them or not. Nasty? Yes of course. But we see that because WE ARE NOT IN IT. That’s the difference. If her attitude was conveyed regularly, then yes, that’s awful, so conceited, not good at all. But this person is hurt. Been replaced. Put yourself there if it’s happened to you, which many of you haven’t. To feel replaced is effing awful. And all you think about is why, trying to understand why your partner picked a person (rebound or not) that came with challenges or qualities not necessarily “perfect” in society. Give her a break. This is a thread, and she’s venting for crying out loud, because she can’t find comfort in close family/friends. It’s rough, it’s destroying to see someone you loved deeply move on m with another that appears to present more challenges than your relationship did. Not condoning the speech but if it was said in dark hours, we would all go there. It’s not right to act it out in real time, but this is the Internet, we can spill it all.

    4. No, he didn’t want her as a girlfriend. She just ignored that red flag.

  39. He is totally rebounding with the first person who gave him attention. It’s safe and she is probably affirming him and building his ego at a time when he is unsure of himself. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It happens often. It is the way she is making him feel. Unfortunately it is temporary and she will end up hurt by him when he leaves her. Very common scenario. Let it play out while you stay calm and cool.

    1. Yes, he will tire of the new girl also…

  40. I can see where the original poster is coming from… im going through something similar.
    You can all jump down off the high horse right now.. because if you care/cared for someone and then they do something that doesn’t make sense emotionally your gonna question yourself and compare to the new piece that your surprised they are into.
    in the end its all a learning curve and people shouldn’t be so quick to be self righteous… “ooo I wouldn’t do that”
    we all do.

    Time has passed since the person LW originally posted. I hope they are in a happier place and in general have moved on from this bloke. he seems like a bit of a time waster with his own issues…. the other lass can have him.

    I know that’s how I feel about my similar issue. .. I look to the person who hes chosen.. in my case. I don’t see why… but Im not meant to 🙂 good riddance.

    1. Bullshit! Being common and being beneficial aren’t the same thing.

      Also, it continues to amaze me how posters can jump all over calling 20-22 year old women girls and use the term piece or side-piece to refer to other women. You do know that this is short for piece-of-ass, don’t you. A rather demeaning way to refer to other women. Yep, she’s nothing but genitals and legs to move them around.

  41. Guys – Can none of you point to another person and say he/she is more attractive or more sophisticated or smarter than me? Sure you can, and so can OP. It might be noble to pretend we’re all equal, but it’s not true.
    Anyway, this happened to me recently. He broke up with me for a stupid reason and freaked out less than a day later. I had secretly been wanting out of the relationship, so I ran. He snagged the first girl that would go out with him in an attempt to make me jealous. Just get a good laugh out of it and move on.

  42. LanaInCali says:

    **First of all, you.re asking the WRONG people about this. It.s funny reading these guys’ response. It.s all negative and they.re bashing you. Obviously, these guys here are mediocre, average to below average in looks and NOT hot guys and i.m going to bet IF they have women, she.s unattractive, below average and over weight and that.s why these guys are so angry.

    Your question is a real question. Looks mean A LOT. Men judge women allll the time, who.s hot, who.s pretty, who.s not, who.s fat, and they salivate over models, Playboy, Victoria Secret, you name it. Nightclub wise, the unattractive fat friend is always left holding the purse while her pretty friends have all the fun.
    Your answer, some men need time to grow.. maybe he wasn.t ready when you were together..it wasn.t you, it was him. Also, some men can.t handle Pretty Women… they.re too insecure…they get girlfriends, wives who are ugly and fat because they know these girls aren.t going anywhere. They.ll stay and take ANYTHING as they.re afraid they.ll never get another decent looking guy. He can treat her how he wants she.s not going anywhere and he won.t be afraid that she.ll dump him for another guy. He.s secure with her, men are NOT secure with pretty females. They.re always afraid they.ll lose her and always wonder why she.s with him.

    1. Avatar photo Guy Friday says:

      *keeps saying to himself “Don’t feed the troll. Don’t feed the troll . . .” * 🙂

    2. You said “Ugly and fat” lol

  43. Anonymous says:

    Shes Paying Him…????

  44. Leslie Joan says:

    This whole thread is hilarious. Seriously. I mean, LW thinks that the New Woman is a drama queen who’s batpoop crazy, while she is going on and on at length and after having spent a lot of time about the New Woman, and about her interactions with someone she never really connected with. But instead it’s gotta be about anything other than connections and lack thereof, but HASSSS to be about relative standings on some arbitrary hotness and earnings scale, and HASSS to be about rebounding. Since LW has already demonstrated that she simply never connected with the guy, it just can’t POSSIBLY be that she isn’t what he wants, and this new one is. Lol. Because it’s really classy and mature to FB stalk your ex or his new squeeze. Because the only POSSIBLE attraction can be some arbitrary classification of hawtness. And Baskin Robbins only serves one flavor of ice cream.

    The original question can’t be answered because it assumes buy-in to a value system that just doesn’t operate in many people’s worlds. You two are dating on different planets. And you really need to ask what is says about you to be allllll up in your ex’s business when you simply weren’t right for each other.

  45. I guess that I am the only person who sympathises with the woman who wrote this letter – why do men go for inferior women? I’ve seen amazing girls breaking up with their boyfriends and these guys date and marry women who are unattractive, unintelligent and quite often horrible people.
    Do men have this on/off switch where they just give up and settle with whatever they can get?

    1. wobster109 says:

      I could sympathize with a different person, but not this LW.

      For example: “I’m in love with him; I surprise him with his favorite breakfast; I listen to him talk about work; I get along with his family; I make him dinner even though I work 80 hours weeks. He broke up with me and started dating a woman who publicly called him a cheapskate on Facebook. I don’t understand.” <– I could sympathize with that.

      "I'm so much better than this other girl because she makes less and has a kid. Also she's fat and ugly. LOL." <– I have no sympathy for that. A person who trashes someone's appearance is pretty low in my book. A person who thinks herself superior because she has time and energy for working out and a high-powered career, unlike an exhausted single mother? Low.

      In general, do people sometimes break up with one person and start dating someone else who seems a step down? Sure, and I get that it can be confusing to friends and family. So in that case, you ask them "hey what do you like about this person?" Not in an "ugh what do you even see in her" way, but with an open and curious tone, same way you'd say "why did you choose Paris for your vacation?" You go into the conversation trusting that your friend/relative is making a sensible choice, and your goal is to understand why it works for them, not to talk them out of it or change their mind.

  46. Yes, LW’s comments indicate that she is devoid of empathy and a bit nasty. Likely her ex noticed this and didn’t like it. A sense oft a great superiority is difficult to live with. She is condescending toward her ex: the impression is that he lacks good judgment, is not independent, and generally was her inferior whom, for some reason, she chose to date. Basically her pride is hurt, because she is the dumpee, rather than the dumper, when she thought she was dating a little below her league. This is just an extension of tying your personal, or at least dating, worth to how long your ex pines after a breakup, before getting on with life and seriously dating again. It is making the actions of someone who is no longer connected to you all about you.

  47. My partner I have beeb back together 2yrs now.He told me he didn’t want the relationship anymore but I found out he was seeing someone else.The only thing I can think of atm why is cause he had a drug addiction that I wasn’t willing to feed.Hes never admit he has a addiction but I no he does.Hes currently in prison as I speak.

  48. Anonymous says:

    She’s obviously only trashing her cuz she’s hurt? No excuse but I think she’s kind of venting here so y’all can stop judging. Also let’s be real, some girls just aren’t cute and don’t have their shit together. Maybe he knows he needs to apply more effort than he’s willing to in a relationship with you, so he’s just kicking it with this girl for now because he gets what he wants with zero effort put into it. Some guys are just lame. Move on

    1. Anonymous says:

      Doesn’t matter if the new gf is cute or not or of her life is a wreck. He chose her. Best to move on

  49. simply the best says:

    Im not sure how I stumbled across this post. I am wondering what I typed in to google…haha
    But now I feel the need to respond to this “few steps above person” because it seems she is being lectured by a bunch of self righteous critics on here, and she should not be so viciously attacked
    Dear few steps above, you probaly ARE socially and culturely above this other woman by societies standards. Know that this does not mean this other girl is unworthy in her own right; She has worth. It simply means that YOU are competitive. And that you have different standards than her.
    Thats okay.
    This is a something to be proud of in yourself, as this is your truth, but also know that it is fine if another person does not share those standards.

    So then, YOU have standards.
    You have alot to offer. And you liked this guy.
    But he did not like you.
    This hurts. It feels like he choose her OVER you, right?
    And you think, “Im a catch and he doesnt see it!” And it feels like a slap in the face because he picks someone that offers what you see as less than you.
    I will show you this isnt about her vs you. So read on.
    First, there are a coupled things to understand.
    1. Guys like to feel needed. They like to feel they can bring something to the relationship. It sounds like, with this new girl, he has something he feels he can offer.
    And everyone in her family adores him!
    2. Understand too that he is also wounded, and he is probably very comfortable and safe right now. He doesnt have to invest so much energy with her, and she is easy.
    And YOU, my dear, are NOT easy.
    haha Definitely not easy.
    This is not an insult.
    Its just time to learn it about yourself and own it.
    I get that you are crying inside.
    “How could he choose her over me?”, you cry secretly. This is how it feels, right?
    But he is not choosing her over you. He is choosing “him” over “not him”.
    Simply put, you do not make him feel like the “him” he wants to feel like.
    And you cant because its not who you are.
    And he may think you are pretty and talented and all that, but its not really about you. Are you starting to see?
    My guess is that you are 23-26….by the way you described your social life. I think you are very young and are learning just how different and unique people can be.
    My take is:
    You like(d) this guy. You probably see(saw) value in him, but understand that he likely doesnt see that value that you see in himself.
    And know that if he doesn’t see it, there is NOTHING you can do or say to make him see it.
    And most importantly, know that your “love” doesnt matter. This is a tough piece for young women to grasp.

    My guess is he probably DOES see all your successes, and he is looking at himself wondering what he can offer you. If HE decides he cant give you enough, he will leave you….and like most men, will find a woman he can bring value to and act “like a man” with.
    All guys do this.
    Its actually an honorable thing. So TRUST it. Trust a guy if he tells you he cant be the guy for you.
    And remember also: This is his decision. It happens all in his own head and probably somewhat unconsciously, so just respect it.
    Dont fight him on it. It is not a discussion to have with him. You may say, but he does this and this for me and it makes me feel this way!
    Doesnt matter.
    Its what HE feels he is providing, not what you say he is.

    Finally, know there is NOTHING you did wrong. In case I havent made that clear.
    You are being you.
    He is being him.
    Sometimes people really like and enjoy each other but simply dont fit.

    And so learn.
    Learn that you need a man that shares your same chosen standards. A man who will push your boundaries. A man who can lead you upward.
    Let the ex go.
    And additionally, practice grace and kindness with the new girlfriend.
    I hear the woundedness and the hurt covered by anger in your words, but do try to be kind.
    Bitterness only hurts the quality of YOUR heart, not hers, and it hinders your movement forward toward finding the “fit” thats meant for you!
    All the best~

  50. I think everyone needs to cut her some slack. I’m sure every single one of you have had a relationship end and then you found yourself wondering similar thoughts after finding out who your ex was seeing. How did you even see this post in the first place if you weren’t researching a similar topic. I think that for whatever reason you guys broke up, and since it’s so sudden, yes it is definitely a rebound. Everyone on here is being rude to you for being honest, when I have sat and listened to men’s ” honest” opinions on matters that are pretty shallow. Bottom line is men want attractive women, and being independent is another very attractive feature. I’m sure you are a beautiful girl, and many people don’t understand what pretty girls actually go through and how they are treated out of jealousy. I say, move on girl, he dumped you. He dated an uglier girl, maybe she’s nice, maybe she’s not, but as far as you two, you win. Don’t let anyone bring you down and someone will appreciate your qualities. Also, all of these bitter people need to be more compassionate. Imagine if you had a daughter wondering these questions, is this how you would respond? These seem like some deep feelings from angry men, and women, like it affected you guys on a personal level? Just sayinnnn.
    Girl be happy and healthy and screw this guy. You have more opportunities and don’t let people bring you down because you voiced that you feel your more attractive than someone else. It’s a normal thing everyone does even men lol! I find my men friends actually do it more. Empower people! Don’t criticize. Have a great day!

  51. I totally get it. I have had the same experience and am struggling with it. My ex, who I loved, broke up with me to start seeing another woman. I saw her recently. She is not as pretty as I am by conventional standards. He has told me himself that she does not satisfy him sexually. (He pursues me for sex – and I have given in in the past, but no longer). This weekend he told me she is not a good person. So why did he dump me for her????? I am not saying that I am necessarily better than her, but come on. I am a nice person. I take great care of my body, have a successful career, good friends, adventurous, all that stuff. Every time I have seen him with her they are arguing. I don’t get it.
    I don’t think you are a bad person for saying you think you are steps above this person. I totally get what you are saying. I wanted his new gf to be awesome and beautiful. At least then I could understand why he broke up with me for her. And yes, I am still struggling with the break up. He broke my heart – over her?????

    1. Is she skinnier than you?

    2. Avatar photo Skyblossom says:

      There was probably something missing for him in your relationship. Who knows what but she filled that gap in his life. That something might be as simple as the excitement of the chase. The rest of what he had with you he took for granted. Then he dumped you for her and suddenly that little bit she did for him wasn’t nearly the same as what he got out of your relationship but that’s where he is now.

      Don’t take him back. If it helps, take satisfaction in the fact that he is learning the very hard way that the grass isn’t usually greener on the other side of the fence.

      Whatever you do, don’t have sex with him. Don’t be his mistress. Don’t let him run to you whining about her. Don’t go there. It does nothing to build you up and lets him have that relationship and keep you there enmeshed on the side. Don’t let him do that to you. Tell him to go have sex with his girlfriend. Tell him to find someone else if he needs to whine. Leave him to the full ramifications of his decision. Let that relationship implode on it’s own.

      Don’t consider taking him back. No matter how much he says he knows he made a mistake. He dumped you once because something about the relationship didn’t satisfy him. That problem, whatever it is which could easily just be him, isn’t going to be fixed by you taking him back. You deserve a guy who sees only you and wants only you.

    3. Avatar photo Skyblossom says:

      You know that he cheats. He’s cheated on her with you. It may be as simple as she refused to have sex with him while he was in a relationship. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. You deserve better. Your ex blew it. He proved himself unworthy of your love, attention and time. You can and will do better but you need to be emotionally available for another relationship. That means don’t see him anymore. That means give yourself time to get over him and heal. That means that when you are ready you have the opportunity for a relationship with a better guy.

      1. Well, really he didn’t if they were just dating. Now if they had a talk and moved to exclusively dating that’s another story. But it sounds like they never made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend territory.

        Whenever a guy tells you they don’t want a relationship, girlfriend etc run fast. He’s telling you he doesn’t want one with you. He’s not being vague like many women like the claim. We tend to put meanings behind things that are clear. Especially if we like him. Think we can change his mind.

  52. I hate to see validation for posters who believe a new gf is a step down. They always lead with “she’s not as beautiful as I am.” Well, beauty is relative. It has a lot to do with what a specific guy finds very attractive. There is no conventional beauty which appeals to all. Plus, beauty may not be #1 on the list of characteristics being sought out. You can be absolutely stunning, tick off several of what YOU regard as the most significant boxes, and also be flying what he regards as half a dozen red flags. You had a relationship. It didn’t work out. It shouldn’t matter to your self-esteem whether his new gf is someone you regard as the most beautiful woman you have ever seen or someone far removed from your personal beauty ideal. All that matters is he is no longer your bf, she is the gf (and not necessarily a rebound) he chose. He sees something in her he didn’t see in you. You don’t have to agree or even no what that something is, anymore than a guy you dump really deserves your help in finding out what you see in this minimum wage short dude, who is 3 leagues beneath him on his personal measuring step. You prefer the minimum wage, short dude because your measuring stick isn’t the same as your ex’s.

    1. I agree. I hate that validation. Some men find me insanely attracrive, a 10!, some don’t even notice me. Everyone has their own ideas of beauty. The reality is at the end of the day, personality and shared goals and values are what matters most. Along with love, caring, compassion, etc.

  53. LadyPants says:

    Hmmm. Since when is looking “like a drag queen” a bad thing?

  54. LadyPants says:

    Is she… DOLLY PARTON? (Heart throbs)

  55. Allornone says:

    I know this is an old thread, but it was before my time. After reading through all of it (very entertaining!), I remember a time I was dumped for another girl and couldn’t understand what he saw in her. She was hot, way hotter than me, true, but was conceited, controlling, cheated him since day one, and didn’t like any of his friends, especially me (he and I only dated a couple of months and had been friends for years, so after my bruised ego healed, we were able to revert back ). But yeah, I guess you could say I judged it in the beginning. Eventually, I figured “Eh, it’s his life” and stopped thinking about it altogether (except for the time I got in a fight with HIM and SHE called cursing me out, but whatever). Fortunately, five years later, after she cheated on him for the sixth time, he broke up with her, found a chick that rocks, I (finally) found a guy that rocks, and we all hang out together now and then. All in all, she did me a favor, though. He’s a good guy and we might have worked out, but the relationship would not have been healthy. Two depressive introverts with alcoholic tendencies is not a good mix.

    P.S. Sorry for the ramble, folks. MY point, I guess; Some judging is natural, but judging the superficial, especially so nastily, is not a healthy appraoch and will just get a bunch of internet people thinking you’re conceited.

  56. Chakra Time says:

    Late to the party, but just wanted to say that you can tell a lot about a man’s character from their choice of woman. In my experience, men who cheat or who dump and seammlessly go onto other relationships, are way more likely to move onto women who have lower job status than them or who are less attractive. They seek out vulnerability, neediness, gratitude, to provide security for their next move. Some of them seem to specifically seek out single mothers.

    Men who can attract and hold onto clever, attractive, interesting women are far less likely to be controlling or sneaky,. They are also far less likely to be male chauvanists.

    All the criticism here of the OP overlooks the fact that she was hurting and having a perfectly normal response to a relationship break up where she was treated badly – she was trying to rationalise it. Twist it how you will – many women do quite rightly judge men on their choice of gorlfriend. I would
    probably not date a man whom I’d known to have recently dated the woman the OP described – unless she had a truly scintillating personality which outshone everything else. The ex boyfriend shows all the signs of being a player and a car crash in the making.

  57. i think my ex is seeing someone new. He still sees me to I’m guessing just get laid and as soon as he found someone else to do that with he started being mean to me again. He used to call me fat or make me feel bad about my weight and this broad i think he’s seeing now is way bigger than me. Not that its bad to be bigger I just don’t understand why my ex would call me down about my weight and then start seeing someone way bigger than me. I don’t like saying mean things about someone I’ve never met or having these negative feelings but I can’t help it…. He was mean and abusive to me but I still love him and don’t want him to fall in love with someone else. its tears me up that he’s not going to be mean to her and he was mean to me.Its probably way easier for me rn because in my eyes I’m better looking idk its shitty but that’s how i feel.

    1. You absolutely can “help it.” Stop saying you can’t help it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pining after losers like your ex? Stop focusing on him (and her) and focus on getting some self-worth.

      1. Amen!!!

  58. Bittergaymark says:

    Trust me, they’re always just as mean, And he picked a larger girl so he can be even more vicious about her weight. How so many people like you fail to see this simply baffles me.

    1. He could also actually be attracted to larger girls but hate himself for it, and take it out on them. Because society tells him women in thin bodies are where it’s at.

      Look, he’s an asshole. He’s abusive. I’m sure he’s being an asshole to her too, or soon will be. You need to stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. Block him everywhere and delete his number. That’s literally the only thing you can and should do, and will help you move on.

  59. Bittergaymark says:

    Why do so many always want the asshole back? Honestly? I don’t get it. How can so many people be so fucked in the head? “Wahhh, he treated me like garbage! Now it kills me to know he has somebody else to treat like garbage!! Why beat her when he can beat me?”

    For fuck’s sake — get a grip.

  60. You DO realise that this happens with women who dumb men on EXACTLY same grounds also ??? Exactly like u said but with vice versa words for woman and man.
    So you should ask, why HE SPECIFICALLY did this. Not why men. Because I GUARANTEE you this happens also.

  61. Men do this because its easy and they can control the rebound girlfriend. And because they don’t have high standards or good boundaries. And because they know that any girl will get a reaction out of their ex. It literally does not matter what she looks like, as long as she’s available, and willing.

    This is also how men get trapped in dysfunctional relationships and/or with unplanned pregnancies.

    Men love to blame this all on women. Honestly, not reacting to this in a normal human way would either by sociopathic or dishonest.

    The best thing is that once you process the awfulness of it all (and moving on that quickly after the bar incident is awful too) it really downgrades the ex in your eyes and you get over him. He is no longer a valid option. He has settled at his true level, probably he has behavioural problems or something that only a woman with less options would put up with in the long term, and he knows it.

    Men who do this don’t change because they don’t have anyone left in their lives who challenge them. So they get worse. If you want to be a successful man, get a girlfriend who challenges you in a good way to raise your game and be a better person, not a woman who you can downgrade with.

  62. So I literally just googled the same thing and found this….

    To the original poster, hi, I’m Jess. All these people on here focusing on you calling trash trash really doesn’t answer your actual question so hopefully my response will….

    I have just seen a pic on social media of a guy I dated seemingly all loved up with a new woman. In a general sense she is not pretty, doesn’t dress well and yeah ok I googled her…. She also doesn’t have a great job. She has 2 young kids from a previous relationship so no doubt her free time is in some way hampered and basically just not his (or my) type at all.

    Similar story he never wanted to be official with me/ never posted pictures of us in his social media/ never planned nice trips for us like it seems he has done for his new lady.

    Side note: he had also gone into great detail about what he finds attractive in women and I promise you this new bird is NONE of these things.

    A bit of back history, I grew up feeling ugly, I’m rather dyslexic, my father was a gambler and never really there and my family always had money issues….. flip forward I’m 31, great career, x 2 sideline companies with growth potential and a new project about to launch, I own one property already, am highly employable (got a first in my degree) and also now training up in fitness and hairdresssing just because I feel like it…

    I’m often told I’m pretty by men and women and love spending time at the gym, so yeah I’m quite fit too.

    My point is, by most people I know’s metric, all of the above = quite a catch (ok ok I know what some might say, all of the above but then crappy personality means not such a catch…. This simply isn’t the case, I’m never short of decent people who want to spend time with me/ find me funny/ inspiring (their words not mine) ).

    So anyhow, I date this guy during lockdown and he seemed like everything I’d hoped for, open minded, a little older than me (40 when I was 29) entrepreneurial, Whitty, fairly good looking, initially great in bed and adventurous. I should also probably mention he’s in sales…..

    He told me all about how I’m his type/ how he doesn’t want to date single mums as he has his own kids and it’s a nightmare trying to arrange things/ he feels guilty if he spends more time with their kids than his own bla bla bla single parent drama I digress.

    So anyway we get deeper into it and he’s using coke at a party, binge drinking, not holding a job down, accusing me of cheating, becoming controlling, illogical, insecure, weak (literally the opposite to the person I thought he was/ what he sold to me at the beginning). Despite all that I’m a big believer in love and tried; and I really did TRY to lead a horse to water, brought him nice Ralph Lauren shirts, paid for pretty much everything we did, even spent hours driving him and his kids to camber sands (prior to driving he said he would pay petrol….. never did) and when he was getting food got agitated when I asked if I could have something too…..as if I was asking for a wad of cash, never mind my 5 odd hour round trip/ diesel money and grubby little mitts of his kids all over my m sport ughhh yeah…. Like I’m clearly the A-hole here 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

    As the relationship progressed I started to see him in a totally different light: liar: looser: letdown: embarrassment!

    And he was all those things but he wasn’t totally stupid, and I think he sensed how I saw all this. The more he couldn’t live up to his initial sales pitch to me the more his masked slipped, this embarrassed him. He didn’t like himself and felt more comfortable pretending to be some Tom Hardy East London bit of a lad…. Which he is farrrrr from.

    The point I’m getting to is when you’re higher calibre than usual you are basically a mirror to other people’s deficiencies, the prettiest girls are envied by less confident ones that don’t believe they are as pretty, people envy people that have more money then them, a lot of people go through life thinking it isn’t fair….. I’m kind of proof that that doesn’t have to be the case.

    I fought hard to achieve all I have today and it may never feel like enough for me even though it’s a lot more than what I see most people have/manage but it’s all subjective. A lot of people don’t challenge them self. A lot of people prefer to lie to them self. Tell them self it ain’t fair and the hand their dealt wasn’t good so that explains them being a waster. It’s not THEIR fault it’s Their mums fault or their dads fault or their dogs fault or gods fault or the post mans fault or their bosses fault….

    These people never do an internal stock check and say wow! I’m seriously out of anything worthwhile I better fix this, because it’s easier to continue being rubbish and blame everything else. These type of people are angry and lost but too ignorant to change, your resource will only ever be wasted on them.

    If you are an overachiever, underachievers that want to lie to them self that they’re entrepreneur of the year will not like being around you (unless their ready to evolve). Like my ex Chris, initially he liked it because he thought he could keep up, he probably even believed somewhere in his deluded mind that because I’m doing well the two of us could do a project then by proxy he’d also be doing well….

    In a nut shell (and I don’t mean it nasty but I’ll say it as I think it) some overweight trash bag single mum that can’t even look after herself is TEXTBOOK the type of woman that my ex Chris or your ex would love to be with…..

    These types of women are so stupid that they’ll believe what their told

    So Desperate that even if they suspect something they wouldn’t have the balls to confront of leave him

    So the severely lacking bloke gets to continue talking rubbish, doing nothing and have a silly woman there in awe of him because her intelligence or self worth means she lets him lead her and boosts his ego.

    Whereas someone like me will punch holes in inefficiencies, he used to talk business and I’d call him out on areas I could see wouldn’t be viable…. He wanted to dream big but (unintentionally) I pissed all over it because I’m intelligent and honest. What he really wanted was me to say “wow babe that’s a great idea I’m really impressed, your such a great man”….

    So this type of woman, for an underachieving man, is holistically a much more attractive prospect than an actually achieving female.

    It takes a VERY strong stable man to be partnered with a successful attractive woman.

    Look at it like a financial deal, the more risk the more rearward right? But what if the investor is too scared to invest or straight up just doesn’t have the fun coupons to play with.

    My ex Chris isn’t just a looser he’s literally not right in the head and I see that now but at the time I was confused as to why/ how/ what….. he used to make me feel like I wasn’t physically good enough/ my job wasn’t good enough/ I wasn’t open minded because I didn’t want to take drugs with him…..he was just projecting onto me but I loved him so much I lied to myself for a while because I wanted to believe he was the first version of Chris that I meant, not the twisted damaged one that he is.

    He never posted pics of us or made if official and that used to upset me, I used to wonder if I wasn’t up to HIS standard…. What I now see looking back is he wasn’t up to mine, not that I felt that while I was in love with him, I was happy to try and help him out and be a team but he’s not thick and I think he knew once the honeymoon phase passed I would walk away from him as he’s just not got anything worth staying for. He’s great at sales and had me duped but he knew all along that what he sells is a lie, he could never come up with the goods so his days with a girl like me would be numbered.

    Only advice I would give is know your worth, not arrogantly but just know it and don’t settle for a looser, sadly most humans in comparison seem to be scared/ lazy or a combo of the two.

    If you are not:

    That makes you a minority

    Quality over quantity any day I say

    Hope that’s of some use

    Jess x

    1. You’re definitely onto something: Many men don’t see your high-achieving job as a plus. They’d prefer to be with someone who makes them feel good. You need to find someone who’s more on your professional level and wavelength. Even then, your value to them is going to be largely about how you make them feel and how fun you are, not really your job and car. Like sure, it’s great that you can support yourself, but it’s not like the more successful you are and the more money you make, the more of a catch you are. I say this as a professional woman and high earner. Men don’t really care. When I was single and dating, I figured out I had to downplay that stuff, not promote it on my profile. I mean, yeah, look for a higher caliber guy who’s not a hot mess like your ex, but also understand that your success in business isn’t that valuable of a currency in the dating market.

      1. I wouldn’t date someone who calls poorer and less successful people “trash.” Maybe she ends up with bad guys because she’s not a nice person.

      2. She took a swipe at bigger people too. Yeah, maybe come down off your high horse. Not being a jerk is worth a lot.

      3. Makes them “feel good” how?

  63. Repeat to yourself: “whom he chooses for his next relationship is not at all related to my worth”

  64. I contacted and he told me all will be well again! but I was skeptical about it, to my surprise it did worked and he came back the exact days that the Priest told me. may the most high God bless you for bring smile to my heart again. +1646- 9805-

  65. The inquiring woman shouldn’t be burned at the stake. What the guys responding don’t know is that this is commonly how women talk to each other about these situations.
    If the writer sees this, I understand and next time save the candor and girl talk for US 🙂 I wish you well sweetheart.

  66. Did anyone think about the fact that unfortunately she just typed out what most people THINK? Everyone on here is being holier than thou. We have no clue how she conducts herself in reality. She could be an incredibly giving, kind human. We all have thoughts and they do not define us.

  67. Regarding the no kissing thing – this concept was recently featured in a book and on Christian radio. The difference was that the author and his now wife agreed to this approach and could articulate their why. Proceed with caution. I feel like there’s more going on with your boyfriend. If you two are serious, then you need to learn how to talk openly, and you may want support from a pastor or premarital counselor to help you.

  68. I totally understand where the LW is coming from. I’ve seen it played out a lot. Guy loses a gf for whatever reason, and chooses someone that is not of the same level. Let’s be honest, humans view other humans comparatively. In high school, people always talk about how the 10s always want to date each other, but the people who rank lower than that (by their peers measure) ALSO want the 10s. Illustrating that this is human nature. If it was NOT the case, then online dating would have no photos.

    The LW is not being conceited. And I find many of the answers to be the typical “how DARE you think you’re attractive?” fodder. Yes, people are of different qualities, some look better than others. Some are smarter or dumber, some take care of themselves. Some do nothing but sponge off others, and others work hard. It’s not conceited, it’s just acknowledging the differences. She could have worded it more artfully, but my friends and I talk about the same thing.

    As for her question, I find that many guys do go for someone less-challenging after a break up. And one reply here sort of nailed it: When they go for a person that easier to get, it is comforting and ego-boosting — they don’t have to try as hard. Try not to throw your bias against attractive women into your replies to the LW.

  69. Yes, let’s be honest. Not everyone judges potential dating partners by your yardstick, or the yardstick of their ex. When a relationship ends, at least one of the partners has found a lot of flaws in the other and decided they are better off trying a different relationship. ‘Different’ often actually means a different sort of person.

    You say that when a guy loses a gf, he often takes a step down in picking his next gf. But… if you actually read the OP, you would see that this guy didn’t ‘lose’ a gf. He actively decided to stop dating her. She wasn’t what he was looking for. Fortunately for both, he discovered this very quickly, so neither of them should be particularly hurt, after just several months of dating.

    Nor should she interpret the break-up as a denigration of her value. She likely is probably what many men are seeking and considered a prize within her friend circle. She just isn’t what this ex was looking for. He isn’t looking for what you consider lower quality in his new gf. He is looking for what he thinks meets his criteria. We are all different. Sooner or later, many of us realize that our true attraction is for a type, a type which is a very small subset of available members of the opposite sex.

    It is poor form to demean his new gf.

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