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About a week after the bar incident, he got a new girlfriend. A mutual friend told me. We live in a small town, so everyone knows everyone. This girl comes from a very drama-filled family (“bat crap crazy” is how people refer to her and her mom). She calls herself a diva. She has a very low-paying job and a child from a previous relationship (she admits to getting pregnant to make the guy stay, but he didn’t). The girl is severely overweight (my ex is a petite guy), looks like a drag queen, doesn’t have any friends or a social life, yada yada.
My question is: why do men sometimes leave a woman and then go and date someone who is several steps down from the woman they left? I’m not trying to be conceited. I truly want to know. Because I know at least three or four of my girlfriends to whom this happened to recently. I’m smart, I have a great, great job, I am athletic and adventurous, I volunteer, and I have a wide network of friends. And yet, my boyfriend dumps me and turns around two months later and is Facebook-official with another girl. He brings her knick-knacks, and he spends time with her family. When he and I dated, he never made the relationship official, but I never pushed it because I wanted him to come to make that move. Now with his new girlfriend, he’s made their relationship official, and her family constantly posts on FB how great he is. (Not that he’s hugely into Facebook though…).
But seriously, can I get insight on why men will breakup with a great girl, and then turn around and date someone who is several steps down? Is it possible he is dating her to get back at me? Do men revenge-date? I don’t really want to date him, but I would like to talk to him again in the future. Maybe in a few months. Also, he just recently hid the fact on Facebook that he was in a relationship with her. I can see it on her page but not on his. Any insight into what this all means? — A Few Steps Above
Brian:What bothers me more than the utter nastiness of your attitude toward the new girlfriend, a total stranger, is the seeming contradictions in the two situations: your former relationship and his current one.
First, he seems to have broken up with you but the details you offered about that doomed relationship are about 1/100th as in-depth as the ones you gave us about the new girlfriend. Why did he break up with you? Why is he so frustrated? The most plausible explanation is that he wanted an FWB and you refused; good move on your part.
His current relationship reads loud and clear as a rebound attempt, even when we look at it from a neutral perspective (i.e. someone who doesn’t want to disparage a total strange for no reason). He’s rushing into it, they quickly went public with the relationship, he’s still seemingly interested in you, etc. — all of that sounds like a rebound, or at least a casual “relationship.” She’s probably totally in the dark and…
…you know what? I’m gonna stop right there because why do you even care about any of this? If this guy is as much of a shitbag as you present him to us, then don’t waste any more of your time wondering about his life. You already deleted his contact from your phone and his Snapchat dick pics and all that newfangled jazz; now you have to take the real plunge: willing yourself, cold turkey, to ignore his very existence.
Diablo Your letter tells me more about you than your ex or his new girl. It would be hard work dating someone who thinks that she is “several steps above” other people. Just on principle, that is unattractive. We are all a mixture of qualities. We are all perfect for someone.
For a “superior” woman, you are quite mean and petty. You describe your ex’s new girl as “several steps below” you, “bat crap crazy,” “seriously overweight,” “looks like a drag queen.” You denigrate her because she has a child and a low paying job, like lots of single mothers deserving support and sympathy.
You need to do some work on you, starting with the unfortunate idea that you are better than anybody.
The guys I’ve known don’t “revenge date.” However, they do sometimes date people for fun, just to have some companionship and maybe get laid, particularly on the rebound. Have you considered that he may actually like the girl, and enjoy her company? Maybe she doesn’t feel like “several steps down” to him.
Drew: Please do not repeat anything you said in this letter to another human being. You are better than this. I say that because, apparently, you’re smart, you have a great job and a wide network of friends. Whatever the fuck that means. So quit worrying about your ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend. And if you ever want to move on and meet someone new, you might want to stop acting “several steps down” from the person you claim to be.
Guy Friday: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. You talk about how amazing you are, so you should have guys lining up around the block, right? Why the laser focus on this guy? I think what’s really bothering you is that you’re afraid since your ex has dated both you and a woman who has made several life choices you don’t agree with, you must have more in common with her than you think (because obviously he liked both of you!), but I wouldn’t worry about that though, because I suspect your judgmental behavior here — even if it’s unintentional — was present in the relationship, and that is what caused the break-up. I mean, you block him, but then you complain he “hid” the relationship from you? Maybe his privacy settings on Facebook are different than hers. Or maybe, you know, he didn’t feel obligated to tell his ex when he started dating someone new, because what good would that do?
I get that you’re obviously still hurting from the break-up, no matter what you say here to the contrary, but you’re not going to move forward by assuming he’s somehow “settling” for her. Men don’t “revenge date” any more than women do; it’s a waste of our time. If he’s with her, and he’s as happy with her as you claim he is, there is probably something in her that he sees as worthy of his time and effort. But instead of trying to figure out what that is, I’d suggest looking inward and using your experiences in this relationship to help you discover what you do and don’t want in your next one. Or don’t do that, but accept that it’ll mean you’re going to be lonely for a lot longer than you have to be.
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